Mistletoe Misses

Chapter 18

Carmen

A fter an hour of line dancing to Christmas songs sung by popular country artists at the third pub and another of holiday-themed trivia at the fourth, Maddox and I find ourselves in a corner booth at the fifth, passing the time with altered board games. I watch him concentrate on picking the right piece from the customized tower of Jenga, tailored to keep the conversation and festive fun flowing. His brow lowers, and his tongue curls at the corner of his mouth as he removes the little wooden block.

It’s an adorable view, but I’m over being separated from him by a table, room, or dance floor. I want to hold him, kiss him, and bring him to his knees. I want to show him my love and feel his surrender without an audience in the way. He has only two weeks before he must return to work, meaning we don’t have the luxury of time to play games—board games or other.

“Interested in walking me home?” I ask, leaning on the table to talk over the noise of the lively bar.

“Are you tired?”

“No. Quite the opposite.”

He stares at me, hopefully reading my intent correctly.

To spell it out for him, I add, “I’d like to have you all to myself.”

“Really?” His voice has a sudden huskiness to it, his sex appeal showing through his emotional window. That will come in handy when I seduce him later.

“How do you feel about that?”

On the way to mine across the table, his hand sideswipes the tower, sending the red and green blocks crashing to the table and sliding in every direction. “Damn. Guess the game is over. You win.”

“If that’s your way of saying yes, I’m a winner in more ways than one.” Rising out of my side of the booth, I join him and bend my legs over his. Dark, mossy eyes watch my every move. That tender way he soaks me in with adoration and bewilderment will never get old. I hope he always looks at me like that.

Running a hand up his shoulder, I cup the back of his neck and bring his forehead to mine. “Stay with me tonight, Maddox.”

His answer takes longer to emerge than I like, putting me on alert.

I straighten. “Whatever you can give me, I’ll take it happily. Just stay with me.”

“Okay.”

That one little word activates something inside me, and I can’t wait to show this stunning man what I’m willing to do to make him happy. He deserves that tonight and every day for the rest of our lives … if my good luck holds and I’m gifted a lifetime with him.

On our way out, no one tries to talk to us beyond saying goodbye, and we’re dashing down the sidewalk toward my apartment with minimal effort. For all the times the people in this town rummage through our business, at least they know when to leave us be. It’s their way of cheering us on, and I love them for it.

In a matter of minutes, we’re standing outside my apartment, shivering and breathless, but it isn’t from the frigid jog to the store or climbing the stairs. I’m happy to report that my seduction plans weren’t needed, and we’re too consumed in each other to unlock the door. His hands are everywhere I need them to be, and for once, he’s not holding back.

I’m on the verge of luring him to the floor in the hallway when he asks, “Where’s the key?” His lips trail kisses up my neck, and I can’t think. I need this—need him—and I don’t care where my keys are.

“I … God … In my …” As his mouth consumes mine, he somehow removes the keychain from my purse. The man has many talents, and I plan to explore and exploit every one of them over the next several hours.

“Don’t move,” he rasps, like I could if I wanted to. With one hand on my hip, he unlocks and pushes open the door, tossing the keys inside with a clatter.

His eyes come back to me, drinking me in as he does while the pad of his thumb traces my cheekbone. I’m drunk with love and giddy to get everything I’ve longed for when something changes in his eyes. The past and his fears are creeping back in.

“If we do this,” he begins. “We can’t go back to the way things were.”

“Good. I don’t want to live without you again, Maddox. Ever.”

He sounds like he wants to trust me but can’t fully yet, even after how far we’ve come this week. I did that to him. To us.

“Whatever happens after this, we’ll figure it out together. Come inside.”

“I want to. More than anything.”

Tingles of hope radiate under my skin, and I take his hand, gently urging him not to let doubt separate us. “Give me a chance to show you how much you mean to me.”

I take a tentative step back toward the open door. Another step, and he follows. Several more take us inside, and I shut the door. Finding his gaze, I see competing emotions holding him captive. He wants me, but he’s afraid I’ll hurt him again. I get it. This is a monumental step for us so soon after reconnecting. Yet, at the same time, it feels like no time has passed at all. We understand each other, always have, and no amount of time apart will ever take that away.

I don’t know what he’ll decide to do, but whatever memories he allows us to make, I’ll cherish each one. This night marks the start of our forever—a forever I should have claimed long before now and will never stop fighting for.

◆◆◆

Maddox

The sun is starting to peek through the evergreens behind our house and cast interesting shadows through the sunroom. I’ve lost count of how many hours I’ve been sitting here, overthinking and reanalyzing my decision not to stay with Carmen last night.

Everything in me wanted to let go as she asked. I heard her words of affirmation. I felt the love pouring from her touch. I know she’s put down roots for Sadie. Yet, I’m too damaged to accept that she won’t give all that away without warning.

And it’s not just her I’d lose this time. Her daughter has stolen a piece of my heart I never want returned.

“This is a nice surprise,” Mom says, finding me in the sunroom before dawn the next day. She checks the stove on her way to sit beside me on the swing. “But I didn’t expect to see you back until later. Did something happen with Carmen last night?”

“Yesterday was a big day.”

“Yes, it was. I’m proud of you for letting your heart guide you for once.”

Frustration leaks from me with a long exhale, and my body shudders. “It didn’t last once we were alone.”

“What’s holding you back?”

I pick at the hem of my sweatshirt sleeve, wondering the same thing. “Probably a host of things, but most of all, I think I’m scared to lose her again.”

“Maddox, you can’t live your life in fear based on something that happened when you were kids. You’re both different people now.”

“I know.”

She twists to face me and takes my hand. “I’m glad you didn’t give your body to her before you are ready.”

My head whips to her, and she smirks. I will NOT talk about sex with my mother. Kendall was bad enough.

“But …” she barrels on to make her point, noticing my sturdy reluctance to continue. “It was nice seeing you smile again and witnessing your big, mushy heart open up. Can I give you one last piece of advice?”

“You’ve been gearing up for it. Why stop now?”

“Such a smart boy. Here it is.” Her delicate hands, holding one of mine, tightens in a supportive embrace. She thinks I won’t like what she’s about to say. “You’ll never find forgiveness or happiness unless you reconnect with your true self. You were put on this earth to love, Maddox. You’re a teddy bear. Own it, and let people love you in return.”

With a kiss on the cheek, she disappears inside, leaving me with only my thoughts for company. Normally, that would be a concern, but the last two weeks have changed me. Carmen had been right all those years ago when she said Ember Falls was a part of me. When my self-sabotaging stopped, this place was waiting, ready to save the day and my life. I never thought healing would find me, yet here I am, thriving in the one place I thought would break me. Instead of hurting more, my heart has been pieced back together like a patchwork quilt.

For the first time in a long while, I’m free from the steel grips of pain and anger, allowing me to review all the advice and helpful pushes I’ve received with more clarity. I’m grateful for my sweet mother and her poignant words, Captain forcing me to take a hard look at myself in the mirror, Ember Falls breathing life into me, my siblings reminding me about the importance of family, and Sadie and Carmen providing a future I’m excited about.

I’ll figure out what to do about the life waiting for me in Boston later. Today, I want to watch the sun come up and bask in what it represents—a new day, a new future, a new me.

◆◆◆

“There’s my girl.” I’m greeted by a wiggly and excited Trixie when I step into the bookshop later that morning. She covers my face in tiny dog kisses until I tuck her into my coat.

“Did you have fun last night?” Nana asks, catching my gaze over her readers and ancient notebook sitting open on the counter.

“I did. You ready for the pie contest on Monday?”

“Yep.” She keeps staring like there’s more she wants to say.

“What?”

“Nothing.” She goes back to her notebook as if that nothing wasn’t laced with a whole lot of something .

“Out with it.”

Setting down her pen, she straightens and crosses her arms, taking me in over the glasses tipped low on her nose. “You look different this morning.”

Playing the game, I peek down at my open coat, flannel, and jeans. “Same old clothes I always wear.”

“Nope. That’s not it. You look … more rested.”

“That can’t be it. I spent half the night on Mom’s swing then watched the sunrise. Quite the view.”

“You didn’t do anything else last night? Nothing that would wear you out for a good night’s sleep?”

My hand stops petting Trixie in faux shock. “Nana, are you asking what I think you’re asking?” Sadie would make fun of me for days if she’d witnessed this horrific acting display.

“Oh, for Pete’s sake. Did you spend the night with Carmen or not?”

A satisfied grin takes over my face. Funny how she doesn’t like having her usual manipulation used on her.

“I am not talking about that with you.”

“Why not?” she complains, moving out from behind the counter to prevent me from escaping this ridiculous ambush. “We tell each other everything.”

“You weren’t exactly upfront with your scheming to bring us together all this time. I wouldn’t be surprised if you recruited Sadie to help you.”

Taking her time, she removes her glasses, setting her eyes on me with finality. “It worked, didn’t it? My scheming fixed everything to where you’re happy, she’s happy, and your mother isn’t having stomach pains anymore.”

“Wait. What?”

“Yeah, you big idiot. You’ve given your poor mother ulcers with all your moping and throwing yourself into every hazardous situation you could find. Are you done with that now?”

“Shit.” My fingers comb through my hair. Just when I thought I’d hit my stride, I’m knocked backward with the force of a bungee cord off a skyscraper. “When was her last attack?”

“Just over two weeks ago. It’s another reason she reduced her hours at work.” She steps closer, her hands gripping my biceps. “All that’s in the past, Maddy.” Her voice is gentler now, sympathetic like she’s talking to an injured child. Maybe that’s how she sees me. Poor pathetic Maddox. “There’s nothing you can do about it. All you can do is strive to be better than you were the day before.”

I swallow down the emotion clogging my throat, but my voice breaks anyway, showing her I’m as weak as she thinks I am. “I’m trying, Nana.”

“I know you are, sweet boy.”

Holding me as she did after Carmen left, I let a new round of fear, sorrow, and regret seep out of me in sobs.

“Come.” She takes me into the lounge and sits me down, soon handing me a cup of tea like I’m one of her guests. “What’s bothering you, Maddy?”

“Everything. I’ve missed so much—the twins growing up, Izzie’s situation, Mom being sick, Sadie …”

“And time with Carmen.”

“Of course. I’ve been so selfish and stupid.”

“You were hurting. It’s hard to see past that in the moment.”

I set the cup on the table, not trusting my unsteady hands. “It was more than a moment, Nana. Nine years.”

“Yes, but what did I say?”

“It’s in the past and can’t be changed.” A sigh rattles through me because I can do nothing else with my mounting annoyance. “Every time I think I’ve turned a corner something slaps me backward. I can’t help but wonder if I’ll ever be whole again.”

“You may never be, and that’s okay.” She pats my hand, drawing my attention back to her. “The good news is you’re not alone in that damaged place. I live there, too. I’ve lost three husbands, and each one has taken a piece of me with them.”

“How does it not get to you?”

“Because in the short time we had together, we loved enough to last a lifetime. You and Carmen did that as kids. Don’t you know what you two reconnecting as adults means?”

Soaking in every word, I shake my head.

“You’re lucky. You can have a second amazing lifetime of loving her if that’s what you want. She’s already offered. All you have to do is accept that she’s your future.”

“What if it doesn’t work out? What if she walks away again?”

She gives me that all-knowing grin she keeps at the ready. “There are no guarantees in love, sweetheart. That ambiguity is part of the allure.”

This woman never ceases to amaze me. An unexpected chuckle casts out most of my anxious energy. She may drive me crazy most days, but she’s my Nana and there’s no one else like her. “No wonder everyone comes to you for advice. That was beautiful.”

With a proud smile, she points to something behind me. “See all those people?”

I twist to browse the fifty or more photos tacked to a bulletin board.

“I’ve helped each one find their happily ever after,” she says.

“How?”

“They come to me lonely or hurting, and I set them on a path to find what they need to heal. Like I did with you.”

I give her a slow eye roll, ensuring she knows exactly how I feel about that comment. It’s dangerous to leave anything to interpretation with her. “You’re taking credit for me and Carmen?”

“We already discussed this.” Her eyes repeat my gesture but with more sarcasm as she rests an arm over the back of the chair all smug and proud of herself. “Who do you think pushed her to talk to you that first Sunday gathering? Who kept forcing you two into close proximity situations? Who found reasons to babysit so you could have uninterrupted love making time?”

“Nana!”

“Which you wasted. Stupid boy.”

“Good lord. If I give you some credit, will you shut up?” I beg. She may have meddled unnecessarily, but I would’ve gotten the same result in my own time … probably. Either way, I’m grateful. She just doesn’t need to know that. Her ego is big enough for the two of us.

“That’s plenty for today,” she concedes.

“Thank you, but for the record, I had to do the work. That counts for something.”

“Yes, it does, and speaking of that.” She shifts to the edge of the chair and clasps her hands together. Here we go again. “I have another job for you.”

“What is it?”

“Wow.” She pauses, seemingly waiting on something. “No complaining? No whining or melodramatic sighs?”

“You said I couldn’t do that anymore.” And her jobs aren’t as bad as I make them out to be. It’s just more fun to give her grief.

“Such a good boy.” Her soft palm taps my cheek sarcastically. “I volunteered you to install some Christmas decorations today.”

“Where?”

Ignoring me, she removes a folded piece of paper from her pocket and hands it to me. “This is the address.”

“You’re not going to give me any information?” I shouldn’t be surprised at this point.

“Nope. Consider it community service. Do you need me to watch Trixie?” At the mention of her name, her little snowball head pops out of my coat.

“Thanks, but she can stay with me.” I’ve missed her snuggles and cute little quirks. “I’m guessing I need to go now.”

“That’s usually how this works.”

“Fine.” Setting Trixie on the couch, I rise and help Nana to her feet to get my fill of her embrace. She may be a lot to handle at times, but her love is felt down to every cell that makes up who I am. “Thank you.”

“I love you, Maddy. Don’t forget, you’re doing the best you can. It’s all any of us can do.”

With a nod, I collect Trixie and head out, stopping in the doorframe to admire the matriarch of all the amazing women in my life. “Love you, too.”