Monster in Disguise

2. Marcello

Marcello

AGE FIVE

" I can keep it, can't I?" I look up at Mother's disinterested expression, silently begging her to say yes. With Mother, you never know what you're going to get.

Sometimes I think she's in a good mood, but just asking for a hug might set her off. Last time it wasn't pretty. I'd bruised my knee and wanted some comfort... I don't know why. Sometimes I just want some human contact. She'd said yes, initially, but a second later she'd shoved me off her and thrown me to the floor, saying it's a sin for a son to touch his mother.

She is unpredictable like that. But I've learned to keep myself out of her presence, mostly because I don't want to be berated for sinning all the time. I don't even understand exactly what sin is, but Mother says I do it. And considering her reaction, it must be really bad.

Maybe I do sin... but why can't she teach me how not to do it anymore? If not her, then I don't know who else. My brother is twenty... I think that's a lot. But he doesn't like to talk to me. He usually just nods at me and leaves.

And my father... I'm simply happy when he doesn't notice me. Honestly, I've wanted to learn how not to sin for a long time. My mother says that if I don't stop now, I'll sin even more when I grow up.

I don't want to sin when I grow up. I want to be normal... And maybe if I don't sin, then Mother will like me too.

"Sure." She takes one look at the puppy in my arms and shrugs. We'd just returned from a parent-teacher meeting at my kindergarten when I saw a tiny ball of fur outside my school. I'd nestled it in my jacket and given it something to eat. All this time I'd been waiting with worry, thinking she'd say no. But she agreed. I can't help but beam at the thought, hugging the little furred body closer to my chest.

I think the puppy likes me. And now, since Mother says I can keep it, I won't be alone anymore. I'll have a friend.

I've always wanted a friend. Other kids at kindergarten have friends, but they never talk to me. They told me their parents warned them not to become too friendly with me because my father is an evil man. I know my father is bad, but I'm not. I'd tried to tell them that. I do sin sometimes, but I try to be a good boy. At least not to anger Mother. But they ignored me.

Mother rolls her eyes at me and leads me towards our car, where the driver is waiting for us.

The drive home doesn't take too long, but Mother keeps clutching her cross necklace in her hand and whispering something. I try not to think about that since she's scary when she's whispering things.

When we get to the house, I hurry out of the car, taking the puppy with me. I don't want to wait around in case Mother changes her mind, or worse, she has one of her fits. I immediately dash to my room and close the door.

Our house is enormous. I sometimes get lost in it, but I try not to wander too much. Father's already told me off for going where I'm not supposed to. My room is on the third floor, but I'm the only one living there and it's a little scary.

My brother, Tino, used to live here too. Now, he rarely comes home. But he always brings me a chocolate bar when he comes. I like that... even though he doesn't speak to me, at least he remembers I exist.

I tried once to go downstairs, but some areas are forbidden, especially the basement. I'm really curious though. I've been curious ever since I heard some maids talk about it. They're not allowed there either. I once tried to go to the basement, but my father's men stopped me.

Father has a lot of men obeying his orders, and they are always around the house. He told me there are monsters in the basement and that they could hurt me. I don't know why, but I don't believe that. If there are monsters there, then why are they allowed to go? Do the monsters not harm them too? Or maybe the monsters prefer kids... I don't know, but I don't think I want to risk it.

And it's not only the basement. I'm not allowed on the first floor either. That's where Father and Mother live. Mother told me she never wants to catch me there, or I'd regret it. She said nothing about monsters, though.

But it would be weird if they lived with monsters, wouldn't it? How could they survive that? Unless they're monsters, too. But I know they aren't. Because if they were monsters, I'd be a monster too. And I'm not... At least I don't think so. I know my mother says I sin a lot, but I don't think I'm that different from other kids. I just don't have any friends.

I unbutton my jacket and carefully take out the puppy to place it on the floor. He looks at me with wide eyes, and I can't help but smile at him. He gives a small yapping sound and then runs around the room, inspecting every corner. His body is so small, his fur a warm shade of brown. As I watch him energetically running around my chair, I think of a name.

He should have a name.

He barks a few times at me, and I assume he wants attention. I scoop him up again and nuzzle him with my cheek. That's when I catch a sniff of something bad. I don't know what this smell is, but the puppy reeks of it. Probably because he's been living on the streets.

"Let's get you cleaned!" I tell him. He shakes his head and nuzzles his nose against my foot, as if he understands me. Maybe he does.

"You'll feel better clean. I always do." I open the bathroom door, and since I can't reach the sink, I drop the puppy in the bathtub. I take off my own clothes, folding them aside so they don't get wet before joining him inside.

Setting the water temperature to warm, I scrub the puppy clean, lathering a good amount of shampoo on the fur, and rinsing it well. The puppy doesn't seem too happy, and he tries to jump out of the tub a couple of times. I frown at him and try to tell him in a stern tone that he can't do that.

Somehow, he stops being that restless, and that earns a smile from me. I think I got myself a friendly puppy.

Back to the name... I keep thinking about it as I clean him, and only one thing comes to mind. He will be my first friend... my first amico . That's why his name should be Amico.

Satisfied, I take a towel and try to dry him before doing the same for myself. Amico runs out of the room before I'm finished, though.

I try to hurry as much as I can, and when I catch up with him, I take him in my arms.

"From now on, your name is Amico."

I don't think Father would approve of him.

I'm not worried that Mother will tell him though, since she probably forgot about it already. In the days after I adopt Amico, I see Mother only a few times around the house, but she doesn't take notice of me. It's okay though. It's usually like that. And since she takes most of her meals in her room, there's really no reason for us to meet.

The maids like Amico too, and they sometimes sneak food for him. One of them even got him dog treats. I feel bad, since I can't afford to buy Amico actual dog food, and he usually gets my leftovers. But he hasn't complained yet.

It's been three days now that I've had Amico, and I don't know how I managed before. It's so different having someone to talk to, even if Amico can't talk back. And he's so playful... he's always in the mood to run around.

"Signorino Marcello," Amelia, a maid, calls me over from the hallway. She's one of the few ones who asks me how I'm doing. I know it's her job, but it feels nice.

"Melia." I go to her and look up, curious why she'd want to talk to me. Amico is nestling in my arms, and he makes a small noise. She looks at the puppy with an almost sad expression.

"The Signor is home. Be careful," she says in a hushed tone, before heading for the stairs and going back to work.

I sigh deeply, already uncomfortable at the thought. I'd imagined Father would be gone for much longer. He rarely comes home.

I go back to my room to drop Amico off, hoping Father would quickly return to his business as usual. I don't know what will happen if he finds out I brought a dog home. He has strict rules...

I open the door and stoop low to put Amico down. He's barely out of my hands when he dashes back into the hallway and down the stairs.

"No..." My eyes go wide with horror, and I run after him. I see him hopping down a few stairs, and I do the same, trying to catch up. But he's smaller and faster than me. He rushes down to the second story, and I'm horrified.

No... it's the first floor. I run even faster after him, needing to catch him before... before...

Amico yelps in pain. I stop, my eyes traveling up, taking in Father's form as he's holding Amico by the nape in a distasteful manner. He scoffs at him before finally zoning in on me.

I try to mask my feelings, having learned that Father despises weakness above all. His mouth curls up in half a twisted smile, smirking at me.

"This yours, boy?" he asks me in his usual leisurely way. I can only nod.

"Words, boy, words." His tone is clipped this time, and I'm almost afraid I angered him.

"Yes, sir. It's mine," I answer. He chuckles for a second before his features go blank. He turns his back to me and goes towards the end of the corridor, Amico still in his hold.

I'm not supposed to be on this floor...

"Sir?" I muster the courage to ask, hesitantly taking a step forward.

"Follow me." His voice booms in the empty hall, and I steel myself. I continue to walk after him, trying to control my trembling limbs so he doesn't realize how scared I am. Amico is all that matters now.

Father goes deeper into the wing, and it's an area I've never seen before. He finally stops in front of a door, and opens it carelessly, stepping in. I do the same.

It's a dark room, only lit by the million candles surrounding the walls. There is a wall full of crosses. In front of it is a table housing a case of some sort. Mother is on the floor kneeling, her front bent towards the table, a black scarf covering her face. She's whispering something.

I don't like it when she's whispering.

"Liliana." The moment Mother hears Father's voice, she scurries back, hitting the table.

"Giovanni... What are you doing here?" She valiantly tries to put on a smile, but she's just as afraid as I am.

Father lifts the hand holding Amico and shakes him in her face.

"Want to tell me what this is?"

"I..." She starts but frowns, her eyes moving from Father before settling on me. Her face is set in a deep scowl as she addresses me. "Didn't I tell you no?"

"But..." She said yes... she did.

"So you disobeyed your mother?" Father immediately takes over, looking at me.

"No..." I whisper, keeping my gaze down, not knowing how to reply. What is even the correct answer? If I say Mother let me keep it, I'll get her in trouble. But if I say I disobeyed... What will happen to me?

"Speak!" Father commands.

"I... I wanted a friend," I admit, hoping this answer would be a good one.

It's not.

"You wanted a friend?" Father's voice takes a sinister tone as he laughs at me. I keep my head down. I can still see from the corner of my eye Amico struggling within Father's hold. He must be hurting.

"Amico..." I look up as Father suddenly flings the puppy to my feet. Amico! I immediately scramble, lifting Amico in my arms and trying to comfort him to the best of my ability.

"He wanted a friend... He even named him Amico ..." Father shakes his head, looking towards Mother this time. Her face is blank as she stares at the puppy.

"Wrong answer, boy." Father takes a step towards me, his hand going straight to my shirt's neckline. He wrenches me closer so that his face is right in front of mine.

"There are only two answers. Either your mother told you no, and you disobeyed. Or your mother told you yes, and she's lying. Which one is it?" Mother has a look of horror on her face as she hears Father speak, and I think she fears what awaits her if I choose the second option. So I don't. I choose the first.

"I disobeyed," I whisper.

"Good. We are getting somewhere. You disobeyed because you wanted a friend." He doesn't let go of my shirt, and his serious gaze settles on me. "You need to be punished, boy."

I nod, because what else can I do? I knew what I was getting into... I knew and yet, I risked it.

He moves suddenly and I flinch, closing my eyes. I expected him to hit me.

He doesn't.

I slowly open one eye to see Father regard me pensively.

"I have just the punishment for you, boy. One that will remind you to never disobey again."

He casually saunters to the table behind my mother, picking up a cross... or what looks like a cross, because one end is sharp. Father tests the sharpness of the blade, and I'm shaking with fear. Is he going to cut me?

I instinctively curl into a ball, hugging my knees and holding Amico to my chest.

"So, boy. You have a choice. You either take your punishment, or I must believe your mother lied. And if she lied..." His gaze strays to her, and she's petrified.

I slowly loosen up.

"I'll take my punishment, sir," I say slowly and wait for my punishment.

"Not that easy. Your punishment will be to get rid of that pest you're carrying." He motions towards Amico, and my eyes widen in understanding.

"No..." I whisper, and I try to crawl away from him.

"No?" he asks, amused. "Fine." He shrugs, gets up, and turns to my mother. Even though she is terrified, she doesn't move from her spot. She calmly turns her back towards my father and unfastens her gown so it falls to her midriff.

I don't even see Father move around to grab a piece of rope. My gaze is stuck on Mother's back. Even in the poor lighting of the room, I can see that her skin is mangled, barely any inch of skin unblemished. She's already resigned to this.

Just as Father is about to hit her bare back, I yell.

"I'll do it." My voice is trembling. I don't know what made me choose to spare Mother, when I know she would have never done the same for me. But I did. My eyes go to Amico, who is looking at me with his big puppy eyes. I can feel the tears in my eyes as I realize what I've chosen.

Father comes next to me again, and puts the knife in my hand, wrapping my fingers around it.

"For a quick death, you always go for the jugular," he mentions.

I keep staring at Amico, trying to talk myself into this. I know I'm hesitating when I'd said I'd do it, but I don't know if I can.

"Liliana, don't dress yet," Father says with a hint of warning in his voice.

My hand is shaking uncontrollably as I bring the knife to Amico's throat. Father covers my hand with his own.

"Do it!" he commands, his grip tightening to a painful degree. He guides my hand and with one swipe of the knife, blood gushes out of Amico's throat, flowing down my hand and covering my clothes.

I can't move. I just stand there, watching Amico struggle for a second, before dying—by my hands.

Father chuckles at this.

"Maybe I can still make something of you," he adds before leaving and closing the door behind him.

I'm cradling Amico's dead body in my arms, finally letting the tears flow. In my head, I keep asking for forgiveness, knowing there is no one to grant it.

I must have stayed like that for a while, rocking back and forth with Amico's body, silently begging him to forgive me, when Mother suddenly pushes me to the ground.

I fall on my back and my attention finally snaps to her. She has a crazed look as she's holding a bottle in one hand and a cross in the other.

"Cleanse... must cleanse the sin," she keeps repeating as she sprays me with the water and hits me with the cross. I take a defensive stance, and she mostly hits my arms and legs.

I don't know when she stops doing it, or how I end up in the backyard, covered in blood and bruises and trying to give Amico a proper burial.

But there is one thing I learned that day.

I am a monster.

I am a sinner.

And there is no redemption.