Monster in Disguise

15. Marcello

Marcello

I n that moment, it felt as if every nerve in my body had suddenly become a razor-sharp needle, each piercing into my skin with relentless force. Sarah's hand on my arm was barely a touch, but it sent me spiraling into a state of agony. It was the familiar feeling of being trapped and helpless, like I was drowning in a sea of pain that threatened to swallow me whole.

But then, just as quickly as it came, I retreated into my own mind. It was a place I had created long ago, a sanctuary from the outside world and all its horrors. It was a white room with no windows or doors, just an endless expanse of emptiness and silence. A place where the monsters couldn't reach me, where I could be alone... but at least I was safe.

Yet even here, in the safety of my own mind, the monsters sometimes found their way in. The room would suddenly feel too big, too vast for me to control.

That's when I would downsize. Imagining myself as small and insignificant, I would squeeze myself into a tiny box that held only me inside. It was a coping mechanism that helped me feel like I had some sense of control over my own mind.

But this time was different. As I sat in my small box, humming a quiet prayer to myself, I could sense something shifting. The air around me grew heavy and oppressive, like there were countless unseen eyes watching my every move. And for the first time, instead of waiting for the false sense of safety to come, I knew I needed to fight back. This time, I wouldn't let the monsters win.

As I retreated deeper into myself, a persistent voice from the outside world grew louder. It was gentle and soothing, speaking of simple things like taking measurements for a dress.

The melody of her voice washed over me, calming my nerves and providing a sense of security. She said a name... Claudia, and my heart tightened with a foreign feeling. Then she began to tell me about this young girl, her adventures, her journey through life.

Inexplicably, my walls started to crumble. The box that I had locked myself in started to expand beyond my control. I wanted to cling onto it and keep it contained, but it unraveled before my eyes until I was once again back in the room.

Only now, I was not alone. In my white room, there was a beautiful angel whispering comforting words. The more I listened, the more captivated I became by the sound.

But then a door appeared.

No!

I did not want to face the demons that lurked beyond that door. They would take me away from this safe haven.

Desperately, I tried to hide, but her lovely voice refused to let me. It permeated every atom of the room and reverberated through my entire being. She extended her hand towards me, but I could not bring myself to touch her. She was too pure... too good for someone like me.

"I'll protect you," the angel reassures me with a gentle smile, and I lift my head to meet her gaze with tear-filled eyes.

A blinding white light suddenly engulfs me, and in my panic, I reach out and clasped onto her hand for comfort and security.

"Catalina?" My eyes struggle to adjust to the brightness of daylight. Catalina crouches down in front of me, her face etched with concern.

"Are you alright?" she asks softly, inching towards me.

"I am now," I manage to say through my trembling voice. "Thank you."

She has no idea just how much she saved me.

"What for?" Her brow furrows in confusion.

"You made them go away..." The words falter as I try to explain. "The demons. You made the demons go away."

It wasn't the first time either.

For the past decade, her face had been my only anchor to reality. The only thing that could break through the darkness that consumed me.

I don't know if it was the love and gratitude that overwhelmed me or some other force, but before I know it, my hand is reaching out to caress her cheek.

I brace myself for the inevitable pain, but to my surprise, there is none.

"You always chase the demons away." My tears flow freely now as I looked into her eyes.

Despite my internal doubts and fears, I am unafraid to show any perceived weakness in front of her. Just being in her presence fills me with a sense of strength.

"Marcello, you..." Her eyes hold an expression of awe as she gazed at me. Bolstered by an unknown bravado, I take her hand in mine and let out a loud groan at the sensation. Tentatively, I wrap my fingers around hers and have to pause to regulate my breathing. It has been over a decade since I felt human contact that was not accompanied by pain. This is a new experience for me.

"Lina," I rasp, attempting to convey the overwhelming emotions coursing through me, yet unable to find the words.

"Shh, it's okay," she coos, intertwining our fingers. The warmth and gentleness of her touch soothes me.

I stare at our joined hands, as if trying to commit this moment to memory forever.

"I can touch you," I murmur incredulously, mostly to myself.

Am I still trapped in my own mind? The thought brought on a wave of disappointment. It wouldn't be the first time... Every night, thoughts of her consumed me. In my dreams, I reached out and touched her, kissed her.

"Is this real?" I whisper, lifting my gaze to meet hers and silently pleading for confirmation.

"It's real. I'm real." Her body inches closer until our knees almost touched.

I want to say something profound or meaningful, but all that came out was a jumbled mess. She is dazzling. That inner beauty radiating from deep within her takes my breath away. Unable to express my feelings adequately through words, I squeeze her hand instead. If only she knew how much she means to me.

But she doesn’t need to know.

I don’t deserve her compassion or comfort. Yet here I am, weak and unable to resist her pull.

Her gentle voice breaks through the silence, pulling me out of my thoughts.

"Are you okay?" she asks, her voice full of softness and concern.

For me .

A monster who doesn’t deserve an iota of compassion.

I can only nod in response, unable to find the words to express the turmoil inside me.

I bring her hand to my lips and press a tender kiss against her skin, grateful for the small comfort she offers.

"Thank you," I whisper, my voice heavy with emotion.

She smiles softly, shaking her head. "There's no need to thank me. We're family."

The word catches in my throat, foreign and unfamiliar. Our definitions of family are worlds apart—for me, it has always been synonymous with pain and suffering. But for her, it seems to hold so much more meaning.

As she continues to hold my hand, she moves closer until we are both leaning against a bookcase. She stretches out her legs in a relaxed pose, and I follow suit, mirroring her movements.

"Can I ask why you hate being touched?" Her voice is gentle and understanding, like a soothing balm for my troubled soul.

I take a deep breath before answering honestly, "My childhood was... difficult. There were things that happened..." I trail off, unable to reveal the full extent of my past trauma.

"It's okay," she whispers, placing a comforting hand on my shoulder. "You don't have to tell me now. But just know that I'm here for you, if you ever need anything."

Her words bring tears to my eyes, and I clasp her hand tightly in mine. "Thank you," I choke out.

We sit in a comfortable silence for some time, and I realize that in this moment with her by my side, I feel more at peace than I ever have before.

Catalina shifts nervously, her cheeks flushed with embarrassment as she looks down at the ground. "I have a confession to make," she begins, struggling to find the right words.

My heart races with worry. What could she possibly have to say that would make her so flustered?

"There's nothing you could say that would make me mad, Lina," I assure her, trying to ease her nerves. A small smile eventually tugs at the corners of her lips.

"I like it when you call me Lina," she whispers almost sheepishly.

"Then Lina it is," I reply with a warm smile.

She takes a deep breath before continuing, "A week or so ago, I was in the kitchen late at night and... I heard you."

Those words send a chill down my spine. She heard me? She knows about my nightmares?

"You heard me," I manage to choke out, feeling vulnerable and exposed.

"You were having a nightmare," she explains softly, and I close my eyes in shame.

It's true. I've suffered from horrific night terrors for as long as I can remember. Most nights, strong medication helps me fall into a dreamless sleep, but even then... The thought that Catalina would have heard me at my worst makes me feel sick to my stomach.

"I didn't mean to intrude, but I was worried about you. So I entered your room. I'm sorry," she adds earnestly.

My mind races with fear and guilt. Did I hurt her? Did I do something unforgivable while lost in the grips of terror?

"Did I... Did I do anything?" I ask, desperate for answers. My lack of control during these episodes haunts me.

"You..." Catalina hesitates before finally confessing, "You kissed me." Her voice is barely above a whisper.

"I kissed you?" The words leave my mouth in disbelief. I kissed her... and I don't remember a single thing about it.

I let out a muffled curse.

"I'm so sorry," she quickly tries to placate me, her voice gentle and soothing.

"Don't... I'm not angry because it happened. I'm mad because I don't remember it," I explain, taking a deep breath to calm myself. It's frustrating to have dreamed about this moment for so long, only for it to happen and for me to have no memory of it. "Was it good?" I ask, almost afraid of the answer.

"Yes," she nods, a small smile playing on her lips. "I think so. It was my first kiss," she confesses, and my eyes widen in surprise.

Catalina seems ashamed of this fact, so I try to comfort her by sharing a secret of my own.

"Mine too, even though I don't remember it."

"You're kidding." She turns to face me, her expression incredulous. "You mean you've never kissed anyone before? But how?" She furrows her brow in confusion.

"I've never wanted to." I shrug, but don't elaborate. It's better that she doesn't know about my troubled past, the things I did just to survive under my father's watchful eye. But even then, I drew the line at something as intimate as kissing. It had never felt right.

"Oh," she seems unsure of herself now. "We can do it again, if you want. Since you don't remember it..." Her words trail off, and for a moment I say nothing, too shocked by what she just suggested.

"If you're willing... and want to," she quickly amends, turning towards me with uncertainty in her eyes. I turn my head towards her and meet her gaze.

"I'd like to try."

Reluctantly, I release her hand and tentatively cup her cheeks. She trembles slightly under my touch, her breathing becoming harsher. My thumb lightly traces the soft curve of her lips, savoring the feel of her skin against mine. No amount of dreaming or fantasizing could have prepared me for this moment... For the rawness of her naked flesh under mine.

Despite my initial fear, there is no pain. Only a growing sense of comfort and belonging as I explore every inch of her breathtaking face.

I feel... at home.

My fingers trace over her cheek, memorizing every contour and detail of her face. "You're exquisite," I manage to say, though my throat feels thick with emotion. "So beautiful."

Lina's eyelashes flutter down at my praise, a delicate blush staining her cheeks. "I didn't think you liked me," she admits in a low voice. "You always seemed to avoid me."

"Only because I like you too much," I confess, unable to hide my feelings any longer. "To be near you and not be able to touch you..." I groan in frustration. "It's pure torture."

A shy smile plays on Lina's lips as she meets my gaze. "I like you too," she murmurs, and my heart swells with joy. The words I'd always longed to hear...

As I lean closer to her, our breaths mingle together in a warm embrace. Her eyes are wide open, and she bites her lip, sending a shiver down my spine. She may not realize it, but every move she makes sets me on fire. I hover over her lips, hesitant but unable to resist any longer.

And then I do it.

My lips gently cover hers, like the soft touch of a feather. I take in her essence, savoring the taste and feel of her. She opens her mouth eagerly, inviting me in. I can't help but pull her closer, turning our sweet kiss into one filled with urgent desire. Her hands remain stiff at her sides, a clear sign that she's trying hard not to touch me. My heart swells at her thoughtfulness.

We kiss for what feels like hours, losing ourselves in each other's embrace. And when we finally break apart, we are both left breathless and wanting more.

"Where does this leave us?" Lina asks, hope lacing her voice.

"Wherever you want." With her, I have no boundaries or limits. She's breaking down even the walls I thought were impenetrable.

"Can we take it slow? Have a proper marriage?"

"Slow... I think I can do slow," I answer honestly.

Maybe all is not lost.

Maybe there is still hope for me after all.