Monster in Disguise

34. Marcello

Marcello

TWO MONTHS LATER

" L ina." I practice in front of the mirror, still not accustomed to my new voice. I clear my throat and try again. "Lina." I purse my lips. The knife had damaged my vocal cords, and while the doctors had hoped that they would heal completely, my voice now has a husky quality to it. It's not unpleasant, but it feels very foreign.

Like I'd smoked one hundred cigarettes a day for the last twenty years.

The scar healed nicely, though. Nicer than I would have expected. A reddish-pink line now mars my neck. Unfortunately, I don't think I'll be able to hide it even with a turtleneck.

After I'd received that letter from Lina, I hadn't heard from her. Well, not directly. I'd borrowed Vlad's listening device, and I've been able to listen to some of her conversations with Enzo. Both Catalina and Claudia are doing well. From the snippets I'd heard, Lina started her own business, selling some of her fashion designs and creating custom pieces for people. I couldn't be prouder about that. She's finally taking life into her own hands.

And soon, I'll be able to join her too.

I put on a blazer and head to my therapy appointment. A lot had changed since I'd walked out of the hospital, grateful to be alive. I don't think I've ever put as much price on my life as I had when Lina had begged me to live, both for her and for Claudia. But I've since learned that before I can live for them, I also need to learn how to live for myself.

In the past, all of my attempts at getting therapy had been failures. Not that I'd been too disappointed, since I've always hated talking about myself. But this time, the therapist is born in the mafia and familiar with how things are done.

After I'd been discharged from the hospital, I continued seeing my old therapist for a couple of sessions, but things weren't working out. I couldn't be entirely truthful, and how could she help me if she had no idea what the extent of my trauma was? Around that time, I'd talked again with Guerra, who'd extended his apologies for his brother, saying he had no idea what he was up to. We'd also realized that Franco had been working for some time with Nicolo, and they had planned to take over the leadership within their families. The attack wrongfully attributed to the Irish had been their doing, taking advantage of the terrible reputation the Gallaghers already had.

I'd also been trying to fix the mess within the famiglia, and Francesco had been invaluable in carrying out my orders and acting as my proxy. During one talk, he'd brought up his eldest daughter, Giulia. A clinical psychiatrist with a few years of experience, Giulia was the answer to my prayers. I hadn't been her first mob client, and certainly not the last.

At my first appointment, the conversation had flowed. She hadn't been fazed by anything I'd said – or at least she hadn't shown it. A few more sessions and she'd had a couple of diagnoses for me. From PTSD to depression, she'd tackled my self-harm tendencies and my insomnia. I don't claim to have been suddenly cured, but it feels better to know there's a scientific explanation for all of my episodes, and not a demonic possession as my mother had called it. In fact, Giulia had suggested that the bulk of my trauma comes from my mother. My father's abuse had only added to it. With her constant rejections and religious fanaticism, she'd instilled in me that I'm not worthy of anything. It had been then easy for my father to mold me into what he wanted.

The session this time focuses on that night, and the source of my biggest shame. I walk Giulia through everything that happened, and she listens attentively, not betraying any disgust for me — what woman wouldn't feel like that for what I did?

"I see." She pushes her glasses up her nose and makes a few notes. "What do you think would have happened if you didn't do that? Tell me your honest opinion."

"Father would have made good on his promise. He would have given Catalina to his men. Or... because he was unpredictable, he could have killed her too."

"Do you think you could have done anything else then?"

I shake my head, closing my eyes. "No," I breathe out.

"There are two things that I see, Marcello. If you hadn't done it, someone else would have. By doing it yourself, and I'm not excusing your actions, but you had control over the situation. You took care of her in a way that no one else would have. You made sure she got out alive."

"Yes, but..."

"What does she say about this?" Giulia suddenly asks, and I lower my head in shame.

"She says she forgives me, but I can't fathom how she could ever do that."

"Why? You don't trust her? Trust her word?" She leans forward, eyes trained on me, challenging me.

"I do," I whisper.

"But you can't forgive yourself." She nods, turning to her notebook and jotting down something. "You can't change the past, Marcello. No matter how much you wish it didn't happen, it did. But that doesn't mean that the man you are today is still the man you were before. Or that you can't change for the better. The past is the past. Let it go. You can still change the future."

"How can I ever feel deserving of her, knowing what I did?" I ask, my voice breaking.

"You won't. But that will make you try harder every day. Love her more every day so she feels that you are deserving of her. The ever-trite adage, actions speak louder than words."

"I can do that," I say confidently. "I'd do it regardless, because she deserves the world."

"Then show that to her. A wise man once said that every saint has a past, and every sinner a future. Make that future yours."

I nod numbly because I feel like I can do it. Turn my life around. Change a little day by day.

"Thank you." I stand up to leave, the clock showing that our session's ended.

"Make sure you recommend me to your other killer buddies; I give great discounts." She winks at me as I leave, and I shake my head, chuckling.

I can't believe that a mafioso's daughter would do this type of work, but I can see the usefulness of it. I still can't help but wonder how Francesco had allowed such a thing, with her being unmarried at her age. It's not at all the traditional way, and it gives me hope for the future—for my daughter and my sisters.

I'm about to head back home when I get a sudden phone call from a terrified Venezia.

"Slow down, Venezia. What happened?"

"It's Sisi... I don't know, she just started bleeding. I called an ambulance. We're at the hospital now."

Shit!

I get into my car and drive straight to the hospital. At the reception desk, I give her name and a nurse intercepts me.

"I'm her brother," I add when she seems skeptical about our connection.

"The doctor just saw her. She's sedated right now."

"What's wrong with her?"

She hesitates and instead forwards me to Sisi's attending physician.

"Mr. Lastra, I'm sorry to inform you that your sister suffered an early miscarriage."

My face falls, and I ask again to make sure I didn't mishear. He continues to reassure me it's nothing worrying. I don't think he realizes just how shocked I am to hear that Assisi was pregnant at all. With whom? She never left the house, never saw anyone...

But then I remember. Rafaelo Guerra. Damn!

"You don't have to worry. There's nothing wrong with your sister. She was about eight weeks pregnant and the placenta failed to deliver nutrients to the fetus. Sometimes this happens, but it shouldn't affect her future chances of having children. You should be supportive of her during this time. She seemed grief-stricken at the news."

"Thank you for letting me know," I say numbly. I meet Venezia right outside Sisi's room, and she's in tears.

"Did you know she was pregnant?" I ask, thinking that maybe she'd shared that with her sister.

Venezia shakes her head. "No... I heard about it for the first time too."

We wait outside until the nurse in charge lets us know Sisi is awake. I tell Venezia to let me talk to her first, and she reluctantly agrees.

When I enter the room, Sisi is sitting on her bed, head hung low, pain written all over her face.

"Sisi?" I ask, taking a step towards her.

She raises her head, and I can see that her eyes are wet.

"Marcello?" She seems surprised to see me, but then she shakes her head. "I'm sorry," she whispers.

"There's nothing to be sorry about, Sisi. Will you tell me what happened?" I take a chair and place it next to her bed.

She looks conflicted, but eventually she shakes her head.

"Who was the father, Sisi?" I ask as gently as possible. I just can't imagine who it could have been.

She's still quiet, her eyes glistening with unshed tears.

"Was it Rafaelo?" I change tactics, since he's the only man she's been in contact with outside family.

She suddenly raises her head, eyes wide, lips trembling.

"It was him," I state, more aggressively than before. "Did he force you?" I immediately question. God help me, if he did, he's dead!

"No!" She cries. "No! It wasn't like that."

"What was it like then? Do you love him?"

Sisi stares at me for a second, her eyes fearful – of what I don't know.

"I do!" She exclaims, a little too loud. "I love him, okay?"

"God! He dishonored you!" I stand up, hostility rolling off every pore in my body. I don't care about my outstanding deal with Benedicto. His son is going to pay for this. He took advantage of a girl barely out of the convent. What does she know about love? Sex?

"Stop, please." She utters the last word with such emotion that I do.

"We're getting married," she continues.

"Married? Says who?"

"We talked about it. He asked me, and I accepted."

"Sisi... it's too early. Please think about it. You don't have to do this just because you slept with him." I don't want her to do something she will regret for the rest of her life just because she went to bed with the boy.

"No... this just makes me more sure. We're good together. We get each other. Please, Marcello." The way she's pleading with me makes it hard to say no.

"We'll talk about this. I must discuss it with Benedicto," I add, even though I know that Benedicto will more than welcome the match. It had been his intention from the very beginning. Still, knowing that makes this whole situation even more questionable. Why do I feel like there's something more? Something that Sisi isn't saying?

If I find out Rafaelo coerced her... I will not stay still.

I exit the room, trying to calm my own rising temper. Sisi is clearly distraught by her miscarriage, and I don't want that to influence her decision.

Feeling like the situation is simply above my paygrade, I do the only thing I can think of.

I call Catalina.

The moment I see her sauntering over to us, I lose all sense. It's like water for a parched man. And I drink her up. She's wearing a pair of dark jeans, a first for her, paired with a tight white blouse that emphasizes her curves. Damn if I'm not gawking.

She's even more beautiful than before.

She stops in front of me and we both stare at each other awkwardly. I don't speak and neither does she. Her mouth parts slightly, her tongue wetting her lower lip. I think I might grow hard just from that sight alone.

To prevent any embarrassing incident from happening, I take the lead.

"Sisi is there. You should go." Her eyebrows knit in a frown at my words. Damn! I should have remembered that my voice is not as it used to be.

She stares at me for a second, her mouth still agape, before nodding. She reluctantly moves, going inside Sisi's room.

"What's with you two?" Venezia asks when I take a seat next to her.

"What do you mean?"

"Are you like... getting divorced?"

"No, we're not."

"Cool. That's cool." She nods, redirecting her attention to her phone.

It's around an hour later that Lina comes back, closing the door behind her.

"How was it?" I inquire, trying to keep the excitement in my voice to a minimum. This is about Assisi.

"She's doing fine," Lina replies.

"I'll just go see her now." Venezia looks between the two of us skeptically.

"Sure." I nod to her.

"Would you like to grab something to drink?" I turn to Lina once more after Venezia's gone.

"I'd like that," she replies, a slight blush staining her cheeks.

We go to the cafeteria and get a cup of coffee each, and finding an empty table, we take a seat.

"So," she starts, her gaze on the cup of coffee in her hands. "How have you been?"

"Good... I've been good." Why am I anxious? And why am I replying with the most basic things? I shake my head and tell myself to just go with the flow. There's no reason to be fretting about this, even though it takes all my willpower not to sweep her off her feet into the closest janitor's closet and fuck the life out of her.

God! I cringe internally at the direction of my thoughts. What have I become?

"Marcello?" Lina leans forward, looking at me with worry in her eyes.

"Yes?" I blink in rapid succession, trying to ground myself.

"I asked you a question."

"Sorry, I didn't hear." I grimace. I don't want her to think I'm not paying attention to her when that's all I'm doing.

"Did you know about Sisi and Rafaelo? I just can't believe that they..." She trails off.

"Had sex?"

"Yes." That blush makes another appearance, bringing her freckles into focus... making me want to kiss each one of them... one by one.... I shake myself again. Why am I like this? It's only been two months! Last time it was ten years, and I had no issues.

"I didn't realize either. But if she wants to marry him, I won't stand between them."

"That's good. She deserves to be happy." Lina adds, her fingers fidgeting. That's the one thing that tells me she's not quite at ease either.

"I missed you," I suddenly say, not being able to hold this in much longer.

"I missed you too."

"I've been working on myself, and I think I'm on the right path," I admit.

"I'm glad, Marcello. I meant it, you know. I forgive you." She stretches her arm across the table and places her hand on top of mine.

"Come with me!" My voice is urgent, and I tug her to her feet, leaving our untouched drinks on the table.

"What..."

I walk fast, remembering a small door we'd passed by. It's a long shot but... I open it, and it's a tiny storage closet. But it's enough to fit the two of us.

I drag her inside and shut the door.

"Marcello?" Lina's voice has a breathless quality to it, and it's only making me harder. Damn it! I should have more restraint than this.

"God, Lina!" I groan, backing her into the corner. "I can't believe you're here." I breathe in her scent, trying to convince myself this isn't a dream.

"We shouldn't do this... not until you're ready."

"I'm ready. So ready," I rasp, knowing full well we're not talking about the same type of readiness. I take her hand and press it on my cock, wanting her to feel how ready I am for her.

"Oh." She gasps, and for a second, I think she's going to pull back. But she doesn't. Her fingers wrestle with the zipper of my pants, and reaching inside, she takes me in her hand.

"God!" I moan breathlessly, and in a frenzy, my mouth seeks hers.

She keeps on touching me, her fingers gripping my shaft tighter.

Her tongue in my mouth is the flavor I never knew I was missing in life. We kiss like two desperate people on the brink of a precipice.

My hands go lower until I reach the opening of her jeans.

"What the fuck!" someone bellows from behind.

I barely have time to tuck myself in and zip up as a crowd gathers around.

"Shit!" I mutter, hugging Lina to my chest so she won't be seen. I lead her away from the closet. There are whispers behind us, and people laughing.

Fuck!

She's going to be mortified. What was in my head, really? I mentally berate myself for my lack of self-control. It's only when we're back in the hallway of Sisi's salon that I let go of her, expecting to see disappointment on her face. She looks at me wide-eyed before she giggles, bending forward with laughter.

"God! That was..." She starts, but can't stop laughing.

"You're not mad?" I ask tentatively.

She shakes her head, tears at the corners of her eyes from too much exertion.

"No... not at all," she says and gives me a knowing smile. I can't help but return it, and we stay like that for a bit.

It's at that moment that Venezia comes out of Sisi's salon, a look of bewilderment on her face.

"Sisi's asleep." She narrows her eyes at us, and both Lina and I can't help but grin. "What's with you guys?" She shakes her head, taking her seat and plugging her headphones in.

"We should tone it down. For Sisi," Lina says, and I nod. She's right. We need to focus on my sister right now. But that doesn't mean that I'm not taking her home tonight.

Fuck taking things slow.