Mountain Refuge (Mountain Mutineers #1)

Chapter 9

Chapter Nine

Brooke

T he kids were finally asleep. I’d barely lasted the day. I had no idea how exhausting parenting was, and I wasn’t even the parent who was with them or bathed them or took them to the bathroom. Geez, how did Adam do it? No wonder he’d passed out from exhaustion when he’d arrived. I was ready to collapse after half a day.

Tonight was their third night staying with me, Adam’s second while conscious. The snowfall last night had been heavier than I’d anticipated. Due to ice, Corbin had been unable to bring down the baby supplies safely on a snowmobile and he lived too far away to have made it on foot. When we spoke with him on the radio, we agreed we could survive a bit longer with what we had. Therefore, it was decided to wait an extra day for the snow to settle before Corbin would try to come down. Current plan was that he should arrive by early afternoon tomorrow.

After a whispered argument so the kids didn’t pick up on it, Adam had conceded to my insistence that he and the kids take my bedroom during their stay. They needed the space, and I was perfectly comfortable falling asleep by the fire in my lounge chair. Adam felt like he was kicking me out of my room and it had taken the better part of last night’s dinner to convince him otherwise.

Last night, Adam had gone to bed when the kids had. He’d still been tired and he wanted to be close to his kids after their near-death experience. To him, it must have seemed like it had only just happened. I understood it, but I was also disappointed he hadn’t come out to spend time with me once the kids were asleep.

He either felt his own disappointment about that or he’d picked up on mine, because he’d apologized for falling asleep so early when he’d gotten up this morning. I’d brushed it off, claiming it was no big deal, but I was touched by the sentiment.

Tonight, before he’d taken the kids to bed, he specifically stated that he’d be back out once they were down. My heart—my stupid, stupid heart—had leapt in anticipation. When Adam came out of the bedroom, I was sitting on the couch with my legs curled up under me. I had a book open on my lap, but I honestly wasn’t reading it. I had been too distracted listening to Adam’s voice from the bedroom as he told Lydia and Henry a story about a rabbit that was looking for his lost carrot. I didn’t know if he’d made it up or if it was from memory of one of their children’s books. Either way, it had kept my attention despite the genre.

Adam let out a long sigh as he collapsed on the other side of the couch. His head was resting against the back and his eyes were closed. I had the strangest urge to run my fingers through his beard. Was it coarse or fine…? My fingers tingled with the need to find out.

I clenched my hands into fists. Shit, what was wrong with me? All day it had felt like we were dancing around each other. Our eyes would meet, hold, and then one of us would move. Circling, always circling. He would reach over my head to grab a glass from the cabinet. I would reach over his shoulder to adjust the settings on the radio. Never touching, but always near. It was like static along my skin, and I was just waiting for the inevitable shock.

Which was so stupid. Corbin would be here tomorrow with supplies. We would make a plan then as to when it was safest for Adam to bring the kids out of the cabin. He was leaving. Doubtful tomorrow, but maybe the day after or the day after that. What if this was all we had? One, maybe two nights, together?

Shit, fuck. I needed to switch my thoughts to a safe mood-killing topic. The only one I could think of on short notice was the children. “So I had an interesting chat with Lydia this afternoon while you were getting Henry’s bottle ready.”

He peaked one eye open, smirked, and then closed it again. “Did she ask you if you’d be her friend?”

“Actually, she asked if I would be yours.”

His eyes flew open and he sat up in a quick motion. His dark eyes burned bright as they bore into mine. Okay, so maybe this topic hadn’t been as mood-killer as I’d intended. “Why would she say that?”

I swallowed hard. “Apparently, you could use someone to play with.”

He didn’t say anything at first. It was almost like he was trying to read any alternate meanings in my words. While I hadn’t intended there to be, as I was just repeating Lydia’s words, we both knew otherwise.

The air between us became very heavy. I felt like my heart was beating a million miles per hour. It had been almost ten years since I’d been intimate with a man. I was no stranger to pleasure, but it was all self-administered. Yet, temptation sat across from me on my couch.

I’d never had a one-night stand in my life. I’d only ever been with one man. He’d been the love of my life and I’d had no interest in pursuing other relationships after I lost him. I had never imagined, especially with my living conditions, that there would ever be another man.

And yet…here one sat.

I knew deep down that it was more than just the opportunity. There had been other chances for me to have engaged in a no-strings-attached arrangement. No one had affected me like Adam was now.

It was the man , not the opportunity. I’d never before thought fatherhood to be a turn on, but I’d been wrong. The way Adam was with his kids, how attentive and caring… It was like an aphrodisiac. Never thought watching a man change a diaper would get my motor running. Mind, thinking about it like that was a little weird. In the moment, though, it had been anything but.

When I finally found my voice, even I could hear the huskiness in it. “I know we said no details before but I have to know this. Just a yes or no: are you married?”

My heart nearly burst from my chest when he shook his head. “No. You?”

I shook my head. “No,” and did not elaborate.

His eyes never left mine. “I want to kiss you.”

“I want you to kiss me.” He inched his way forward, a smooth slide across the couch. My heart started beating faster. I stupidly opened my mouth. “But I’m not sure you should.”

He stopped. His leg was so close to touching mine. If we both leaned just a little towards the other, our lips would meet. God, I wanted to feel his beard tickling my skin.

“Why not?”

“I don’t do casual and I don’t do relationships.”

He didn’t look disappointed. More intrigued by my answer. “Not sure there’s anything in between that. ”

I swallowed, kicking myself for having spoken at all. I wanted his kiss. “I know.”

He studied me for a long moment. “What do you want to do then?”

I had to close my eyes. I needed to break the intense connection we were starting to form. I couldn’t think with his deep gaze boring into mine like that. “I don’t know.”

“We’re strangers.” It seemed interesting that he would point out that obvious fact. I opened my eyes so I could read his expression. “But you don’t feel like a stranger.”

He didn’t either. Being with him felt like reuniting with an old friend I hadn’t seen in a very long time. “What if we play twenty questions?”

The fire popped behind me, but neither of us looked its way.

“No details?” I wasn’t sure if it was a question or a reminder.

I nodded. “No details.”

He hesitated before agreeing. “I don’t want you to be a stranger. Once we are able to safely move to Corbin’s, we’ll be out of your house, but I don’t want that to mean we’ll be out of your life.”

“I don’t want it to mean that either.”

“Do you want to go first?”

I did have a burning question to ask but I wasn’t sure how he would answer it without giving away details. “Where is the kids’ mother?”

“Going for gold, I see.” Adam let out a sigh and scooted back a little. He wasn’t back where he’d started, only provided some much-needed space between us. “Mother s ,” he finally said. “They’re half-siblings.” I fought to keep my face blank; I never would have guessed that. With their blonde hair, blue eyes, and fair skin, they looked extremely similar. Additionally, I did not like the implication that Adam had been so sexually reckless with the women he slept with. “I don’t know where Lydia’s mother is. She left after her birth and I never saw her again. Henry’s died in childbirth.”

“I’m so sorry.” It didn’t sound like he had an emotional attachment to either woman, but they still had to mean something to him as the mothers of his kids. Adam didn’t seem so heartless as to not care.

He shrugged. “Thanks.” Then a smile appeared on his face. “My turn. How do you restock a water supply?”

A laugh escaped me. “You have only twenty questions and that’s the one you ask me?”

“Does that count as one of your questions?”

I mock glared at him. “No, it’s not.” He was still grinning. “I have two tanks out back that provide me with water. During the winter, it’s easy to refill them because I just have to shovel snow into them. The heaters melt the snow and the filters take out anything mixed in with it. During the summer, I have a river not too far from my cabin. I take a portable tank down and fill it up from the fresh water source.”

“Sounds like a lot of work.”

I shrugged. “It is, but worth it to be able to live up here. There’s no city or well water available out here.”

“What about electricity and sewer?”

“Is that your next question?”

It was his turn to glare. “Yes.”

“Only eighteen left for you.” I pointed over my shoulder at the fireplace. “Electricity is mostly done by solar panels. I have to take them down during storms like this or run a generator during the day. Candles generally save me electric needs at night, though I have been leaving the lights on at night for the kids. During the winter, my fireplaces keep this place warm. The one in my bedroom is smaller but still effective. That’s why I pushed for you and the kids to take my bedroom. It’s really not an inconvenience for me, because I love to sleep out here next to this fireplace. Plus, if I keep all the doors open, it’s only the kitchen that gets a bit brisk. I have the wood stove if I need to warm that one up too.

“As for plumbing, just like with the water, the town doesn’t bring pipes up this far. I’m not on any grid map. The only reason the ski resort has the amenities it does is because they bring in a lot of tourist money. As you know, I have a flushing toilet, bathroom and kitchen sinks, a washing machine, and the bathtub. I have two tanks out back for gray and black water. The gray water comes from the sinks and bathtub. It gets treated and recycled back into my water stores. The black water goes into a compost tank that I turn into fertilizer. Most of my trash goes there too: peels, seeds, spoiled food… It’s all recycled into fertilizer for my garden.”

He watched me so intently as I spoke. I wondered if I’d lost him or if he now thought my lifestyle to be gross. Not many people would admit to fertilizing their garden with their own waste. It wasn’t until he spoke that I felt like I could breathe easier.

“Wow. That is amazing. I can’t believe the effort you take to live up here. I mean, it’s inspiring and intimidating all at the same time. When do you take a day off? Your work literally is doing everything you need to stay alive up here. Wait, do you work otherwise? Do you have a job?”

I shook my head. “I’ve already answered two of your questions. You’ll need to save yours until after I’ve asked my next one.”

He conceded with a bow of his head. “My mistake. Go ahead.”

Except I didn’t know what to ask him. No, that wasn’t true. I didn’t know which to ask him first ! There were so many things I wanted to know. I started with, “How do you know Corbin? ”

Adam paused. I wondered if he was trying to get his answer straight or to come up with false names. “Corbin’s story is his own. I don’t know what you know about his history and I don’t want to say anything out of turn. Simplest answer is that we grew up together. We met in kindergarten and have been best friends ever since. He’s more of a brother to me really, even though he’s not blood.”

I understood that completely. “Sometimes blood isn’t everything. Blood can bond you or destroy you.”

“Very true,” he nodded. “Unfortunately, we lost touch for a very long time. Longer than I care to admit. I can throw out every excuse there is, life got in the way, I was busy with the kids… But the truth is that I was afraid to contact him. I wasn’t sure if he blamed me for leaving him behind. I went off to college and he…didn’t.”

There was definitely more to that story but since it also mixed in with Corbin’s I let it drop. “It’s good you got in contact with him again.”

“No doubt. He didn’t even hesitate. As soon as he learned we were in trouble, he didn’t even question the last eighteen years. He just dropped everything to help us get here.”

“Sounds like a true friend.” I was trying not to be jealous, but it was hard. He had what I hadn’t had when I’d needed it most.

“My turn.”

I was grateful for the change in topic. My line of thinking was making me feel morose.

I knew what his question was already and didn’t need him to repeat it. “I don’t have a job. At least, not in the way you’re thinking. I don’t clock in or work nine to five. It doesn’t take much money to live out here once I got myself set up. I got the land for a steal. My cabin, stores, and tanks cost a pretty penny, but they were necessary to live out here. I had recently come into some money, and I also had a trust fund I’d never touched from my maternal grandmother. It wasn’t much, not like millions or anything, but it was enough to buy me this place and still have a little left in savings.

“I grow or hunt most of my food. My amenities are natural resources. I don’t have a phone or cable. I buy propane and gasoline in town when needed but even that is in small amounts. When I find myself running low on cash, I sell my jerky, jams, or furs to Jack down at the general store. He gives me a commission off of anything he sells of mine. Honestly, I think he gives me too much commission but he’s never allowed me to give anything back.”

“It’s so hard to believe in this day and age that you can survive without any regular bills or a paycheck.”

I nodded. “It took a lot of research before I came out here. I thought I’d done enough to prepare myself, but I was in for a lot of lessons those first couple of years. I made a lot of mistakes and spent money I didn’t need. Once I picked up on specific things, it cut my spending down to almost nothing.”

“Do you get bored with no TV or internet?”

I didn’t count that as one of his questions. “Most of the time, I am so tired from working all day that I don’t have time to think about it. I read a lot but, even during the winter when I’m stuck up here, there’s always housework or things to do.” I tipped my head at him in curiosity. “Have you or the kids been bored without the internet or a TV?”

He seemed startled by the question and then shook his head. “Actually, no. I wish I had some workbooks or coloring books for Lydia. Some sensory simulators for Henry. But I haven’t once reached for a phone or had the urge to check on something online.”

I grinned. He just proved my point. “It’s this mountain. It’s magical in its own way. There are no distractions up here, no noise. It’s like nature is its own form of entertainment. Some days I sit up in the loft and just stare out the window. It always surprises me how much time has passed once I come back to reality.”

“I guess time would have a different meaning up here. In the city, it’s go-go-go no matter the time of day. And everyone is so concerned with getting somewhere by nine o’clock on the dot.”

I nodded, while keeping quiet that he’d just revealed he’d come from a city. “I don’t even put a watch on anymore. I judge time based on the sun or the moon, because exact time doesn’t matter up here. If it wasn’t for my occasional trip into town, I probably wouldn’t even pay attention to the date and month.”

Adam leaned his head against the back of the couch but didn’t take his eyes off me. “That seems like an amazing freedom. I’m envious.”

“Well, you’re up here now too,” I reminded him. “You’ll soon get the hang of our way of life.”

I was expecting him to smile again. Instead, his expression fell. “I came here out of necessity. I wasn’t even sure what to expect when I was told to take the mountain road. Hell, I think a part of me was expecting a private resort or something less known than the ski resort. I certainly wasn’t expecting… this ,” he gestured around my cabin. “Or you.”

I gave him a small smile.

“But the truth is, I’m not mechanical. I’ve never chopped wood in my life. I don’t cook. My version of cooking is a pile of takeout menus in my drawer. Yesterday, I saw you restock a water tank. You have served us meals of unknown animals that you killed and processed yourself. And frankly I don’t want to know what that roast at dinner was. I’m happy just knowing it was delicious. You also drove a snowmobile in the middle of a snowstorm in complete darkness. Brooke, you’re a total badass.” I felt myself blush at his praise. He shrugged self-deprecatingly. “I don’t know if this life is for me. It was forced upon us and I’ll do my best if this is what my kids need, but I’m not a mountain man. I can’t lift boulders onto my shoulders or wrestle with bears.” Then he said like it was a shameful addition to what he perceived as his shortcomings, “I’m just a teacher.”

I’d begun to feel disheartened when he’d started talking about how much this lifestyle wasn’t for him. At his admission to his occupation, I felt intrigued. “You’re a teacher? What grade?”

“I taught second grade for a few years until a private opportunity presented itself.” His skin reddened above his beard. “I thought I’d hit the jackpot. Not only could I pay off my student debt far earlier than ever expected but my employer was willing to pay for me to advance my degree to a Masters.” He shook his head. “I was so na?ve. I wish I’d known I’d been signing a contract with the devil.”

He looked so forlorn. I wanted to wrap my arms around him to offer what comfort I could. Instead, I locked my muscles into place so I wouldn’t do something I’d regret later. Because I would regret getting physically close to him when he left my cabin.

“But if I hadn’t taken that deal, I wouldn’t have Lydia and Henry, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything.”

The love in his eyes for his children shone. It was a beautiful sight to see. Against my better judgment, I reached my hand forward and rested it on his knee. “I’m going to be bluntly honest here because, frankly, I lost the ability to beat around the bush years ago. Moreover, I don’t like secrets or lies. So here’s the truth about what I see when I look at you:

“You’re right that you’re not a mountain man. Whether you have certain skills or not, those can be learned. What I see above all else when I look at you is a loving father. That’s your calling, Adam. You are so attentive and caring to those kids that it hurts sometimes looking at you with them, because I no longer have that type of relationship with my parents. It’s also a shameful reality about mankind as a species that there are millions of children out there who are in abusive homes or are starving or are kidnapped for all sorts of disgusting and nefarious reasons. To see how you are with your kids is like a breath of fresh air.

“So maybe you’re not mechanical. Maybe you need to learn a thing or two about mountain life. First and foremost being that jeans and snow don’t mix.” His lips twitched but he didn’t crack the smile I was hoping to see. “Being a man, especially a mountain man, is more than how much you can lift or if you’re willing and able to skin a deer you just shot. It’s about accepting nature, respecting it. It’s about the need to escape the noise of the world and fill it with the sounds of nature.”

He put his hand on top of mine. Immediately I felt the difference between the two. Mine were rough and callused while his were smooth. I didn’t mind the contrast. In fact, it felt nice.

Our eyes met once more and my breath caught. I’m not sure who started leaning in first, but soon I found our mouths only centimeters apart. I could taste his breath, could feel the coarse hair of his beard against the side of my face. Our hands were now clasped between our chests, though I didn’t remember lifting them.

My eyes fluttered closed. Our foreheads met. Neither of us tipped forward that final step to press our lips together.

I felt like crying. It was a feeling I hadn’t had in a very long time. All of this was. The attraction I felt towards him had been almost instantaneous. I’d thought him a good looking man when he’d been unconscious, but that had been nothing in comparison to when his revealing eyes opened.

But there was no future here. It would only be one night. My chin started quaking. I wanted this, but the regret would be palpable come morning. Because I would want more.

I was about to back away when he suddenly lifted his head, pressing his lips to my forehead. As soon as his lips made contact with my skin, I felt a tear escape my eye and make its way down my cheek.

He was respecting my wishes. I should feel grateful. Yet I felt like I couldn’t breathe. The tightness in my chest prevented me from catching my breath.

Adam gripped me tight, pressing his lips hard against my forehead. I wasn’t sure how long we stayed there like that. It could have been five seconds or five hours. I felt my heart crack a little when he eventually pulled back.

He lifted a hand to cup my cheek, his thumb brushing against my tear trail. I was taking short gulps of air, just trying to keep myself together.

“If I was a different man, living a different life, I would kiss you without hesitation or regret. I would take you into my arms and make love to you all night long, Brooke.” He let his hand drop. He pulled away completely. I felt immediately cold, despite the roaring fire behind me. “But that’s not my life. I have to put my children first. I have to protect them. And you, my beautiful mountain goddess, are a distraction I can’t afford. My attentions are already divided.”

Adam stood up. I watched as he took a deep breath and then walked towards the bedroom. He didn’t look back and I didn’t call out to him. He was clearly as torn as I was, but that fact didn’t make me feel any better.