My Bully’s Crush, Vol.1

Chapter 34

*Ryder*

It’s a good thing the deal with Saunders is a lie, or I’d be in deep shit. My first time at bat, and I’m about to fail this acting thing already. I could barely keep the snare off my face as I watched this witch approach me with that lying smile on her face. Standing still for the few seconds it took for her to kiss my cheek almost took me out, and it was all I could do not to wipe it off.

I couldn’t resist stepping out of the way, though when she tried clinging to me, it felt too much like cheating. If this isn’t some Hollywood bullshit, I don’t know what is. I’m married to her, but it feels like I would be cheating on Elena by letting her get too close. Just the bare touch of her hand on my arm felt like a violation. Like she, the woman I’d so foolishly married, had no right, whereas my ex did.

I saw the hurt look she gave me when I pulled away and stepped out of reach and had to turn my face away so that she didn’t see the scorn in my eyes. When I was high on whatever it was that she’d been feeding me, I’d have apologized and tried to ease the sting of guilt. Now I feel like a complete fool for every time I ever regretted not loving her. Every time I felt guilty because she was trying so hard.

Both she and Matt, my so-called spiritual advisor, had had me pretty fooled into believing that they gave a damn about my soul, about saving me from myself and the path of destruction I’d been headed down. Now I know they were both full of shit and had been using me, both of them, along with Mary, Scott, and whoever else was involved in this ugliness, to serve their own selfish purposes.

Thinking about that shit right now wasn’t the best thing. This was one of the main things Saunders and his men had warned me about, but it was harder than I thought it would be. Each time I looked at her, I was reminded of how much I’d lost and her part in deceiving me, and I’m not gonna lie, I want to break her neck. Then I want to go find the others involved and do the same or worse to them,

Not because of what they’d done to me but what they’d put my Elena through. Five years she’d endured this hell for five years, the first three or so doing and saying nothing. That hurt more than anything else, the fact that they’d stolen her voice. The fact that I’d hurt her so deeply that she’d gone into hiding. But now I’m supposed to be close to this one and not say a damn thing, and it’s killing me inside, and I’ve only been here less than ten minutes.

I damn near bit holes in my tongue to keep from lashing out at her, but it only took the reminder that I was enduring this for Elena’s sake to keep my mouth shut. A reminder of all that I owed her, not them, but me. I was the one she trusted, the one she loved, and no matter what the rest of them had done, I was the one who owed the greatest debt.

So, I took a deep breath and prepared myself to face the fire of my own making. At least I didn’t have to put on too much of an act since she already knew I didn’t like her even when high, but even breathing in the same air space as her was pushing it a bit for me. If I disliked her before, knowing what I know now after talking to Saunders and his men, added to the things that I’ve remembered on my own, has multiplied my hatred tenfold.

Before, I hated her for not being the one I wanted. And when I couldn’t remember clearly how we came to be, I hated her all the more. I hated not knowing why I’d chosen her, why she was the one by my side, and I guess some part of me always suspected that there was something off about the whole situation.

Even at my highest, when I could barely remember my own name or what day it was, I never forgot what I felt for Elena. And even as jaded as I was and still am, I knew that the love I had for Elena was the only pure thing in my life. I knew that I would’ve done anything in my limited power to hold onto her and what we had because it was my life; she was my life.

Once I realized that she’d used my name to bully Elena online, whatever pity I felt for her over the fact that she’d been used by her dad and Mary, along with the church, pretty much disappeared. I didn’t want to think it of her, maybe because she’d shown me a different face, but I’m convinced that she was as much to blame as they were.

Had it not been for her obsession with me, none of this would’ve happened. I’d probably be married to the woman of my heart by now, with a kid on the way. Instead, I find myself saddled with the likes of her while my woman is out there being dated by assholes, none of whom are worthy to walk in her shadow.

I’m sure the world sees me in the same light as I see them. I haven’t always been the best partner, even before all this, but there was one thing we were both sure of, and that’s our love for each other. With the drugs out of my system and my mind coming back to normal, I’d remembered it all, remembered the ease we’d had with each other, something I’d never experienced with anyone else because she was the person I loved and trusted most in this world.

I remembered that the only good times I ever had, even with all the success, were with her. She was the thing that kept me grounded even in the midst of a storm. She was the one who’d fought for me even when I didn’t find myself worthy of being saved.

As long as I live, I’ll never forgive myself for doing this to her, for putting her through all this, but I’m going to give it one hell of a try. And this waiting to go to her is going to be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

I was snapped back to reality by Janie reaching out for my hand, which I snatched away again, not willing to go that far for the charade I was being made to play. And when I looked at her this time, it was she who took a step back even though the half smile remained on her face.

“Ryder, you’re back; where have you been? Why didn’t you call? Scott just called, but he didn’t tell me much….” She broke off when she saw the two men who had followed me in but were standing back out of the way. “Who are they?”

“They’re with me.”

“Yeah, but who….?”

“My house, I don’t have to explain, but since you asked, this is Tyler; he’s my voice coach, and Zak, my acting coach.”

“Acting? What? Is this what Scott was talking about? The something big? You’re going into acting?” She looked the two men over, but since she was not too bright, I didn’t expect her to notice the militant stance or the fact that neither of them fit the ideal of either of those professions.

I’d had my doubts about anyone believing that lie, but with Saunders’s name in the mix, no one would dare say a word. Besides, this is Hollywood, and anything goes. “I’m sure Scott will be here soon to fill you in the way he always does. I’ve got work to do.” I motioned the two men to follow me and headed for the stairs leaving her standing there looking after us, calling out to me.

“But you just got home, aren’t you…?” I didn’t wait around to hear what else she had to say because, as far as I was concerned, I owed her nothing. The guilt I once felt for not being able to return her feelings for me was dead, and all I wanted was for this nightmare to be over so I could move on with my life.

There was a lot to unpack, a lot of soul-searching that needed to be done, but I knew I couldn’t do it here, not with her so close. And there was still the grand act I had to put on for the others. Trying to convince them that I was still the shell of a man they’d tried to turn me into was going to take a lot of effort on my part, but that’s what these guys were here for, to take some of the heat off me.

Right now, there was only one thing on my mind. I had a lot to make up for, a lot of wrongs to make right, but I couldn’t even do that; I can’t go to the one who deserves it more than anyone else, so I was in a rush to get into the studio and get the song done. At least I could do that much, and just as she knew that I would decode her message in her last song, I knew she’d get my message loud and clear.

I was already in a bad mood because of the paparazzi who’d been waiting outside the house with their stupid questions about Elena and her man of the hour and if I had any comment. What the fuck did they expect me to say? It was hard enough keeping my face void of any emotion as they hounded me to the gate, but had I opened my mouth to them, it would be all over, and the headlines would be saying something very different.

I know I shouldn’t begrudge her a dating life, not after the hell that I’d put her through, but it grinds my gears no matter how I tell myself that it shouldn’t matter. The thought of anyone getting close to her has haunted me these last few days and nights, and I’ve had to talk myself down more than once from calling her and telling her just what I’d do to her and those fools if anyone of them dared put their hands on her.

I have to satisfy myself with the reminder that I know her; I would’ve known if she’d moved on, really moved on. I’d know if one of those deadbeat assholes had laid a hand on her, I would’ve felt it. I know, too, that if I hunted them down like I wanted to, the news would be all over the press, and the jig would be up.

I owed it to Saunders at least to see this thing through, but I’m not sure I can go a whole month, let alone two, without going to her. As soon as things became clear, it was all I could think about, getting to her, explaining everything, and hoping that that temper of hers would let me get the words out before she brained me with something.

It’s memories like that that keep me sane these days. The fiery passion that she shared only with me. I don’t see anything even close when I look at her with those other guys. I’m pretty sure she’s doing that shit in part to get under my skin, that on top of that damn goodbye song like it was that easy. Let’s just see what little Miss. Thing has to say when I give her my answer.

I was already planning to release the song to a streaming device on my own instead of waiting like I usually do for a commercial release in a day or two. And even though I know I have to wait, at least I’d have said my piece. I was actually looking forward to this form of communication, and I wondered if she knew that she’d opened Pandora’s box by kicking it off.

By telling me goodbye after five years, she’s shown her hand in a way I doubt she’d considered when she walked into the studio. All she did was let me know that she wasn’t over me yet, that it had taken her this long to think that she was, but we both knew that she would never be over me, just as I would never be over her.

Remembering everything that had happened and why it had happened has helped me come to terms with the way things went down. I know now that I was never meant to come back to my senses. They’d planned to keep me drugged and under their control for the rest of my life or until they’d bled me dry.

The other stuff Saunders had divulged was way over my pay grade. Knowing that Elena had tried to warn me, that she’d seen it when I hadn’t and got out before it was too late, is the only thing that I’m grateful for in this whole mess. But it’s also the thing that tears me apart.

From the moment Saunders laid it all out for me, and the memories came back, my only thought was of her and whether or not she now believed that I’d given into the depravity that she’d tried to save me from. I can’t imagine the pain she felt when I chose the enemy over her.

But now I know why I’d done it, and I’d do it again. I’d do anything to keep her safe. Even let them destroy me.