My Bully’s Crush, Vol.1

Chapter 39

*Ryder*

It’s time. I’m as nervous as a hooker in church, but there was no way I wasn’t going to go through with this. “Do you remember everything we told you?” “Yeah, but I still don’t know how you know what the inside of her house looks like.” “You really wanna have this conversation now?”

“No, I guess not.” I wasn’t in the mood for a tongue-lashing from Zak, and we both knew I was just talking to hear myself speak because it’s a given that I don’t know how they know half the shit they do. They still haven’t come right out and said it, but my money is on military.

“Just breathe, kid; it’s gonna be fine.” Yeah, that’s what they’ve both been telling me for the last hour or so. I don’t know why I feel so sick to my stomach. This is what I’ve been striving for since my return, but now that the time was near, I wasn’t sure I could go through with it.

I knew it was fear of her reaction that held me in its grip, but still, I couldn’t figure out how to shake it off. There was so much at stake here and way too much uncertainty.

“Maybe I should give it some more time, you guys.”

“If you’d like.” Zak, the less amiable of the two, started to turn the car around while Tyler turned to look at me in the backseat.

“What did I tell you about that Band-Aid, kid? Just rip it off. You can do this; you’ve been practicing for a whole week. Just keep your head down, and remember, you were wrong. There’s no scenario here in which you were not totally responsible, so don’t even think about defending yourself.”

I nodded my head and wiped the nonexistent sweat from my brow. “She’s going to have a lot to say; let her rant all she wants, and don’t say a damn word in your defense. If she hits you, which I’m pretty sure she will, and you raise your hand to her, they won’t ever find your body, you understand?”

“Yeah, I won’t hit her; how could I?” I was actually appalled that he would even suggest such a thing, but he must’ve heard about Elena’s fiery temper from somewhere because even he knew there was a pretty good chance she was going to either hit me or throw something at my head.

I almost balked when we pulled up to her house, but on the backside where there was no traffic and no lights back there. I felt like a damn criminal, but this was the only way to do it. Tyler and Zak had gotten everyone out of her house somehow, and this was my only chance unless I chickened out and we had to do this all over again.

I can’t put it off, though, because things had become way more dangerous than I’d expected. Janie was slowly losing her mind, and whoever was behind her pushing was coming down hard, it seemed.

Her actions in the last few days have been more erratic than usual, and the spies these two have running around my house have been reporting on her drug use which seems to have ramped up a whole lot these days, which made the situation that much more unstable.

I think I was more nervous, though, about seeing Elena than any fear of rejection. Rejection I can handle because I don’t plan on taking no for an answer, not once I explain my side of the situation, at least. It was seeing her in the flesh after being apart for so long that had me worried.

It reminded me of the first time we met. I’d idolized her back then, though she didn’t know it. She was someone I’d had a crush on from afar, like most men my age, and when the time came to actually meet her, I thought I was going to be sick. She was so put together, even at a young age, that she kind of intimidated me even then.

I’d been nervous as hell then too, and it had taken me at least until the third or fourth date to stop expecting her to tell me to get lost. If only I could be sure that this time was going to turn out as beautiful as the past.

After those first few dates, it was as if we’d known each other all our lives. She became my person, and I was most definitely hers. Two inseparable kids in love with each other until we were both silly with it.

Now there was all this history between us, most of it not so good in the last five years. But I’d told myself over this past week that we had eight very good years together, and that should trump the bad. Yeah, because I was thinking out of my ass when I came up with that one.

“We’re here. We’ll wait out here for a bit if you want, just in case. Or you can call us to come get you if things go south.” “No, if anything, I’ll find my way back. You probably shouldn’t park the car back here too long, even though I doubt anyone would see it.”

It was late and dark, and the nearest neighbor was a good distance away, but with my luck, someone would come along at the worst time. I’m not sure how they got rid of the paparazzi that had taken up residence outside my gate, but I’m pretty sure Saunders had something to do with it. Either the father or the son.

“You sure you’re ready?” Oh, so now Zak wanted to play human? “Yeah, I don’t have a choice, do I?” They knew just as well as me why it had to be tonight. I could probably put it off for a few more days, but I wasn’t willing to take the chance. Things had taken an unexpected turn in the last few days that I don’t think any of us saw coming.

I was so caught up in finally getting things headed in the right direction that I hadn’t been able to think of anything else, just biding my time until I got the green light and avoiding Janie as much as I could while pretending that I was really going to move into a new house with her.

Since the day I got her to sign the papers, I'd lucked out with excuse after excuse. I knew after that that she’d expect me to climb into her bed, which was never going to happen, but the guys had helped me keep her on the hook with lies about needing to study my lines.

The only lines I’d been studying was what to say to Elena when we finally met. It was killing me this whole time to stay away, especially when she started going out almost every night as if to rub it in my face that my song didn’t mean a damn thing to her. Little does she know I meant every word.

It’s only because I knew she went home alone each night that I’d been able to stay away, but still, I was over it. Over having to stay away from her, over having the world think that she was available. Zak and Tyler had talked me down a time or two from going after her beau of the hour and breaking his damn legs, whoever he was.

The one that almost pushed me over the edge was the last one that she’d gone out with tonight. He was someone from our past, someone I always worried about being too close to her but was told more than once that there was nothing there.

I was looking for a way to get out of the house and knew for a fact that they’d have stopped me again, but I was more than a little bit surprised when they agreed that it was time to make my move. Before that, they kept telling me to wait, something I was sure had more to do with their reason for being here than my own situation.

But tonight, they agreed that I should go, and their reasons for that had damn near sent me into cardiac arrest. I think it was the first time I truly realized just what I had gotten myself into. The first time I saw the true face of the monster I had married.

I didn’t believe it at first when they showed me the transcript of the call they’d intercepted between Janie, her dad, and Matt, but there was no reason for these guys to lie to me and the way Janie had been acting; I wouldn’t put it past her, or her dad. Even though I never expected them to go this far.

Finding out that the man I called my spiritual advisor, the man I’d trusted with so much of me, was a snake was something I don’t think I will ever get over, though. Elena had tried to warn me, even I had come to have my suspicions, but this was going beyond anything I could’ve imagined. It’s as if everything in my life for the past five years has been a lie.

“You’ve gotta go, kid. Or we could go with the other thing, and one of us can tell her.” “No.” It was mine to do. I was the one who’d brought this mess to her door. The one who’d got in bed with these vipers even though she’d tried to warn me.

“Here goes nothing.” I climbed out of the backseat and scaled the wall surrounding her house the way they’d told me to, looking around once I landed, even though I knew there was no one else there but her.

I heard the car pull off slowly from the other side of the wall and inhaled deeply as if that was going to give me the strength I so badly needed. I pulled the map they’d made of the layout of her house from my pocket and studied it once again.

I’d been here so often, and yet I had no idea that there were an old servant’s quarters with a separate entrance. There was some kind of patio outside with French doors that opened onto a garden, and from there, I should be able to find my way through the rest of the house.

I reached the door just as I heard soft music coming from inside, and through the dim light, I saw her lying on a lounge with her eyes closed and a sad look on her face. I raised my hand to knock just as her eyes opened, and she stared right at me.

We both stared back at each other wordlessly until I watched her mouth my name, then she shook her head as if she thought she was dreaming or I was a figment of her imagination. Then her face changed once she realized that I was really standing there, and I knew I was in for a fight.

***

*Elena*

For a minute, I thought I had conjured him with my mind. I’d been lying here in the almost dark room thinking about him and the wasted night I’d had. I’d accepted the date out of fury, knowing on some deep level that going out with this particular guy would get under Ryder’s skin the way no one else could.

That song had pissed me off, and I was growing tired of all of the back and forth online. Tired of everyone acting as if I had no life without him by my side. Maybe I’d given them that idea because it had taken me so long to move on. I know I can’t blame my fans for wanting what they want; shoot, even I wish things between us had worked out differently, even to this day. But they hadn’t, and he was married to someone else, and it was high time I got my ass in gear.

But the truth is, I still find it hard to move on. That hurt that I’d buried for so long because it was the only way I could function as a living being was somehow reawakened, and I was living in hell again. But that song, the way he seemed to think that he still owned me or had any rights to me, made me want to commit murder.

When Raj called out of the blue, I had no interest in going out with him because though we had become great friends in the past, there was a lot of history there that wasn’t all good. But then I got the brilliant idea that this was just the answer I needed. The one thing I knew would hurt Ryder to the core.

Is this why I’d done it? Did I somehow expect him to lose his mind and show up here? How did he even get in? He never knew about this place when we were together. It was still out of use back then, and only lately had I turned it into a workroom where I worked on the designs for my new clothing brand.

No one else had ever been back here; it was my safe space, the only place other than my studio where I was sure to be left alone. I felt too many things at once to hold onto any one of them. I must’ve imagined this happening a million times, the two of us coming face to face, but for the life of me, I can’t remember what I was supposed to say or do.

I couldn’t believe, even as I walked towards the door where he stood on the other side, that this was really happening. And I hated like hell the feeling of excitement that coursed through me. And the smile that began in my heart. Is love really like this? So forgiving? Love might be, but I’m not; fuck that.

“What are you doing here, Ryder?” Too late, I remembered that I wore nothing but an old pair of shorts and an oversized tee shirt with my hair all over the place in what Sydney would call a sexy mess. I was reminded when his eyes went over every inch of me as if he were recording it to memory. I refused to let that mean anything to me, though I could feel a stupid blush starting on my cheeks.

“We need to talk.”

Was his voice always that grown, that mature? He sounded nothing like the boy I met so many years ago, but this new tone was even more distracting. Reign your ass in, little girl; this is the enemy; proceed accordingly. “I have nothing to say to you.”

I can’t believe we’re having this conversation. I never expected to talk to him or even see him again. This felt almost surreal, and maybe that’s why I couldn’t think of what to say.

The last time we saw each other, we were very much in love. I was making plans for our future together, and there is where I’d been for the past five years. Because I’d never had any real closure, I’d been living in limbo without realizing it, but wasn’t it too late?

I was about to walk away and go back to the other side of the house where he couldn’t see me, and I wouldn’t have to look at him. But then I saw the look on his face; I’ve always been a sucker for a sullen Ryder, and why should now be any different? Still, I’m not so dumb as to give into whatever the hell this is. “Please, Elena, it’s important. I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t serious.”

Now, what in the hell could whatever was going on with him have to do with me? I snatched the door open but kept it closed enough that he couldn’t get in unless he went through me, which with the way I was feeling, I almost hoped he’d try. “What is it? What the hell do you want now?” Oh yes, there was the anger I needed to deal with his unexpected visit. Asshole probably thought he still had the right to just show up like he used to.

“Are you really going to leave me standing out here in the cold?” “It’s L.A. It can’t be that cold, and besides, no one invited you.” Am I really standing here having a normal conversation with him? I wish I could remember half the things I’d planned on saying to him, but words failed me. If only I could run upstairs and grab my journal, I’d have plenty to say; it was all in there. But for the life of me, I don’t know what the frig to say to him, even in anger. I’d forgotten every word in the English language.

I refused to even look at him as he stood there, not saying a word, just staring at me like this was some stupid Romcom, and I was just going to fall all over myself to forgive him. But before I knew it, my mouth opened, and the unrehearsed version of everything I’d ever wanted to say to him came tumbling out.

“Listen, I loved you once, okay, and you broke me. That chapter in both our lives has been closed; I think I even burned the book. So, whatever this is, I don’t want any part of it. If you’re hurt,” I looked him over as if looking for blood, “find a hospital.”

“You don’t mean that; you wouldn’t send me away if I was hurt.” “You don’t look hurt to me.” Is he for real?

“What if my injury was somewhere you couldn’t see?” “I would care even less.” I started to close the door and go on with my life because I was not in the mood to deal with him.

Why wasn’t he on his knees groveling and begging for my forgiveness? Knowing him, he probably did think that it was as easy as just showing up and picking up where we left off. What is it that Olivia Pope once said? Oh yeah, “Speaking to me is a privilege; you don’t have that privilege. Goodbye.”

“You wouldn’t do that; you’re too kind.” He put his foot in the door to keep me from closing it, and I saw red. How was he standing there acting so unaffected while I felt like a complete fool? Why did I say all those things that I just said? I never intended for him to know how much he’d hurt me. I wanted to appear just as unmoved as he seemed to be.

But that kindness he mentioned was working against me because my heart felt as if it was going to explode, and even my deep-rooted anger wasn’t enough for me to treat him the way he had treated me. I was so mad at myself for not being strong enough, and tears gathered in my eyes—tears that I willed away because I refused to let him see me cry.

“Yes, I’m kind, but kindness doesn’t stop me from being human, with all the other emotions that human beings are allowed to have. I loved you more than my own life, and when you threw me away in front of the whole universe, you destroyed me. And now that I’ve finally picked up all the pieces that were missing and put myself back together to be a better and stronger me, here you come. I have no interest in entertaining your narcissistic ass, so please, do yourself a favor and get fucked.”