My December Darling

8. Catalina

8

CATALINA

“ I was hoping to catch you before you left for work.” My sister pops into my room and shuts the door softly behind her.

I turn around. “What’s up?”

“I wanted to talk to you about something I noticed at the holiday block party.”

“What?” My stomach drops.

“You and Luke.”

“What about us?”

“You two were…”

“Just playing nice,” I say a little too quickly.

She shoots me a look that sends my heart racing. “Cata.”

My legs threaten to buckle, so I take a seat at my old desk while my sister sits on the edge of my bed. “Nothing is going on between us.”

A line appears between her furrowed brows. “I saw the way you were both looking at each other.”

“And?”

“I’m worried.”

“About what?”

Her eyes roll. “Come on. Anyone with a lick of common sense can pick up on your interest in each other.”

I shake my head. “He’s attractive, but that’s all.”

“I’m not dumb.”

“And neither am I. Luke is the last person I should get involved with.” The words tumble out of my mouth.

“Why?”

“Because he’s Aiden’s best friend.”

She lets out a relieved breath. “Hence my worry.”

I abandon my chair and take a seat beside her on the bed. “I’m not going to risk hooking up with him or something if that’s what you’re scared about.”

“It's not." Her heavy breath fills the silence. “I just don’t want to lose you again when it feels like I finally got you back,” she whispers.

I blink a few times. “What? You never lost me.”

“It sure felt like it for the last two years.”

Guilt sinks its sharp claws into my chest. “Gaby…”

“I can’t stand the thought of you avoiding me again, and I’m worried if you and Luke have a fling or something, then you’ll find another reason to stay away.”

“I’m not going to avoid you.”

“Even if something were to happen between you and Luke?”

I reach for her hand and give it a squeeze. “Nothing is going to happen, but yes, no matter what happens, I promise to stick around.”

She offers me a weak smile. “I’m sorry for freaking out. It’s just that I could feel the connection between you two, and the what-if scenarios freaked me out.”

Even more of a reason to steer clear of Luke.

Gabriela already has enough to worry about without me complicating matters by hooking up with her future husband’s best man, and it’s best I remember that.

I knew I wanted to become a NICU nurse when we visited my aunt in Puerto Rico after she gave birth to my cousin. We had originally planned for a fun trip to spend time with her and our family, but things changed after my aunt’s hellish C-section and my cousin being rushed to the hospital’s NICU floor.

It only took a few visits to the NICU for me to become fascinated by the nurses who were helping keep my baby cousin alive, and by the time he was finally discharged, I fell in love with the idea of saving lives like them. In my eyes, they were heroes, and despite the job’s challenges, I haven’t lost that idealistic view, although it’s been tested plenty of times during the bad days.

Most people assume because I work with babies, I must be the happiest nurse around, but they don’t see the darker side of the job. Managing feeding tubes and respirator devices that support many lives in the unit. Parents breaking down in front of the baby they desperately want to take home, blaming everyone under the sun, including themselves, for medical issues. All the lives I’ve seen snuffed out before they ever had a chance to really live, and the shattering of parents’ hearts as they wanted to die with them.

Unfortunately, today might be one of the worst ones yet. I’m not sure if I’m struggling more because it’s the holidays and I’m more sensitive to all the babies who may never get to make it to their next Christmas, but I find myself needing to take multiple breaks.

“You’ve got to do something.” Debra, a mom I’ve spent the last week getting to know, clings to my snowman-themed scrubs. “There must be something else we can do. If money is an issue, we’ll find a way to get it. Or if we need to take her to another hospital, then let’s coordinate a transfer. We’re willing to do whatever it takes.”

My damn eyes water, betraying me.

“Please.” Her voice cracks.

Debra’s wife tries to pull her off me, but I shake my head and wrap my arms around her.

“I’m so sorry.” I rub her back.

She trembles in my arms. “She’s my baby.”

“And you’re her wonderful mom.” I keep my tears from falling, but my heart weeps for the two mothers standing in front of me.

“Why, God? Why?” She lets go of me before turning to her wife.

Trish, who has been Debra’s rock for the last month that their daughter has spent in the NICU, throws her arms around her wife and pulls her into an embrace. “I’m sorry, babe. I’m so fucking sorry.”

“This isn’t fair.” Debra clutches on to Trish’s shirt with a tight fist. “It was never supposed to be like this.”

My chest feels like it might cave in on itself. Not wanting the two of them to see me break down, I turn and fiddle with their daughter’s machines before my eyes land on the card at the front of her plastic encapsulated bed.

Sarah Lynn, 3 lbs 4 ounces.

Her moms even brought a one-month-old sign from home and hung it on the front of her bed. It was meant to be used in happy photographs in their home as they created their first memories as a family, but now, it’s a heartbreaking reminder of the life they could have had.

Sarah won’t live to see her second month, no matter how hard her mothers cry or what kind of medical intervention we do to help her.

I brush my hand over the sign. A tear slips out despite my best efforts, and I motion for another nurse to take over for me. She rushes over, whispers a reassuring comment in my ear, and lets me know to take as much time as I need.

With my heart feeling like it might split in two, I exit the NICU and head toward the closest elevators. I don’t care how cold it is or if I have a jacket. I need fresh air.

I pass by the shitty coffee machine. For a single moment, the ache in my chest lessens, only to return with a vengeance when I think of Luke finding me acting like this.

Go before someone sees you.

I hit the button with the downward arrow and wait. The elevator always takes a while due to patients being loaded and unloaded on each floor, so I suffer in silence as I wait.

Sarah Lynn.

Ana Lucia.

Luis Fernando.

The list of lives that have been lost during my time as a NICU nurse plays in my head, along with Debra’s cries. I promised myself long ago that I would never forget the ones who didn’t make it, and despite the list getting longer, I haven’t yet.

I’m not sure how long I spend waiting for the elevator, but next thing I know, I’m wiping at my wet cheeks and cursing myself for having a breakdown in public.

I’m supposed to be the strong one. The person parents look to for help and support, yet here I am, crying my eyes out in a hallway where anyone can stumble upon me.

I turn away from the elevator, thinking I’m better off using the stairwell. Before I take a single step toward the door, the elevator opens with a ding .

“Catalina?”

My body turns to stone at the sound of Luke’s voice.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

The illuminated exit light taunts me as I battle between making a run for it or turning to face Luke like an adult.

With a reluctant sigh and a quick swipe over my cheeks and underneath my nose, I do the latter. His brows rise as his gaze collides with mine, making the ache in my chest worse.

I can only imagine what I look like right now, so I steel my spine and slide my cold mask of indifference into place as I mentally prepare for whatever questions he will pepper me with.

When the elevator doors begin to close, he throws his arm out to stop them.

“Were you looking to go downstairs?” His question surprises me, not only because he predicted my next move, but also since he chose to overlook the fact that I was crying.

I nod because I don’t trust my voice to not break.

He reaches over and presses a button. “I’ve got a better idea.”

When I don’t enter the elevator right away, he lets out a heavy breath. “If you don’t want to be around anyone, that’s fine. I completely understand.”

“No,” I say too quickly, catching me by surprise. Usually, I’m the first one to avoid others until I can get my emotions under control, but the idea of being alone makes me feel worse.

So Luke is your best option?

I glance up at him through tear-soaked lashes and am taken aback by how concerned he looks. It feels nice for someone to be worried about me for once rather than being the one to fuss over everyone else, and I soak it up, allowing the warmth of his gaze to erase the cold feeling of dread that was overwhelming me earlier.

He dips his head. “Then get in.”

I don’t need to be told twice. Anywhere seems better than here right now, so with a deep breath, I enter the elevator and hope for the best.

Turns out Luke’s idea is far superior to mine. The sixth floor, which is nothing but a small rooftop patio with an ashtray and an empty planter that serves as a makeshift trash can, gives me enough space and privacy to properly breathe for the first time in hours. The smell of antiseptic still clings to my scrubs, skin, and hair, but the crisp air rolling off the lake clears my foggy head.

I lean against the ledge and shut my eyes, counting my breaths to keep my mind away from unpleasant thoughts.

Luke stands beside me, giving me some much-needed warmth as our sides press together. When he asks if I’m cold, I shake my head, although his gaze narrows at the goose bumps spreading across my arms.

No way in hell I’m going to confess that the reaction is because of him, not the weather, so I stick to saying nothing at all. He does the same, which might be a first. Come to think of it, I don’t remember him ever sitting in comfortable silence before—a fact I bluntly point out.

“I don’t like long pauses,” he answers after my rude comment.

“Why not?”

He takes a two-second pause before saying, “It reminds me of all the times I spent by myself as a kid.”

His honesty is refreshing and downright commendable.

“Lucky you,” I joke to lessen the tension in his jaw. “Some days I was begging Gabriela to shut up.”

He chuckles. “I wish I had a sibling to pester.”

“No doubt you would have driven them crazy.”

“They would’ve come to appreciate my form of love.”

“Like a sibling Stockholm syndrome?”

“Precisely.”

I find myself smiling for the first time since I started my shift, and it makes me feel all kinds of ways.

“What?” he asks with pinched brows.

I consider brushing off his question, but for some reason, I choose to be honest. “I feel guilty.”

He nods. No pushing me to elaborate on what exactly I feel guilty about. No pestering me for answers I’m not ready to give. Nothing but the comfort of his presence as he stands beside me and looks out at the town. Christmas lights decorating the local businesses and houses twinkle in the distance, filling me with warmth and hope after spending the night sick with cold dread.

Luke shifting his weight distracts me from the view.

I fiddle with my snowman badge clip. “I don’t want to keep you.”

“Tonight’s been painfully slow, so you’re doing me a favor.”

My lips turn up at the corners. “Am I?”

“Yup. I hate feeling useless.”

“Must be that savior complex acting up again.”

“Are you diagnosing me?” He turns to face me with a smile.

“I would never dare, Doctor Darling.”

He beams. “Say that again.”

I roll my eyes. “And feed your power trip? No thanks.”

The sparkle in his eyes rivals the stars above us. “Please. At this rate, I will be begging for scraps of your attention.”

“You call this begging?” My gaze flickers over his tall form. It takes me far more effort than it should to fake my disinterest, especially with the way he fills out his scrubs. “Consider me unimpressed.”

“If you wanted me on my knees for the full effect, all you needed to do was ask.”

His words are like magic, sending an image through my head of him doing just that. Except we wouldn’t be on a roof, but rather, he would be on his knees, his hands reaching for my?—

“By all means, feel free to share whatever you’re thinking about that has you looking at me like that .”

My cheeks burn. Thankfully, the night sky shields him from noticing…or so I thought.

He cups my warm cheek, and I suck in a breath at the way my body lights up from a single brush of his thumb against my skin.

My instant response to his touch scares me, not due to feeling guilty over being attracted to Aiden’s best man, but because I can’t remember the last time someone made me feel so much in such a short span of time.

Maybe not ever.

I’ve felt sparks of attraction before, but this feels like more. I can’t put my finger on it, but I don’t know many people who have made me feel the same way Luke does with a single look and a fleeting touch, and it terrifies me.

I don’t have plans to stick around Lake Wisteria. Nor am I going to pursue a connection with someone who is tied to my sister and future brother-in-law and risk spending the rest of my life in an awkward situation when things don’t work out. After today’s conversation with my sister, I wouldn’t have an option to do so even if I wanted to.

Despite wanting to stay put and bask in the way Luke looks at me, I take a big step back and wrap my arms around my torso.

His brows scrunch together, and his hand hangs in the air. “Catalina?”

“Thanks for showing me this place.” I take another step closer to the stairwell that leads to the elevator.

“Where are you going?”

Far away from here.

I refuse to jeopardize the newfound peace between my sister and me by acting on our attraction. Desiring Luke is one thing, but I can’t take it further than that and risk the awkwardness that is bound to occur if a temporary fling came to an end.

No matter how much he tempts me to do the complete opposite.