Naughty Elf: Humbug (Santa’s Naughty Elf Mates)

Chapter 1

Chapter

One

S anta? Could suck it.

“I’m going to send you just where you deserve to go,” Santa had said, putting one finger beside his perfectly wonderful Santa-y nose and winking as Humbug had poofed out of the room.

Now here he was, and he was so over this.

He sat on the shelf, watching the room he’d been…sent to. The plaster encasing him was stifling. And he had the desperate need to relieve himself.

This was what he got for years of faithful, if not dutiful, service? An elf stepped out of line once, or maybe three or four times, and he got his ass not just fired, but sent away to somewhere he’d never seen, reduced to the size of a doll that no one even liked, and stuck in a ceramic-style doll body.

So he’d tried to modernize his part of the toy line. Without permission. So what? His ideas had been good ones, and dammit, Gavin Humbug McPherson stood by his ideas, as well as his ideals.

He wiggled his nose, which was the first part of him that had come back online, so to speak. Then he tried to wiggle his fingers.

Damn.

His toes worked, so he inched forward, trying to see out through the plaster. The shelf he sat on was obviously a mantel, and a Christmas tree across the room, the lights twinkling in the darkness. Three wrapped presents crouched under the tree, which seemed…miserly. The inhabitant of the house clearly lived alone.

There was one stocking hanger he could see, though the stocking wasn’t visible from inside the box. He pressed his nose to the plaster, trying to see more, and he promptly went butt over teakettle.

Oh, hot chocolate, that was going to hurt.

He tumbled off the mantel, and he knew he was a goner until his full size reasserted itself during the fall and he landed on the floor with a thud that shook balls off the Christmas tree.

Thank Kringle, the tree skirt under it was quilted and huge and nothing broke.

“Ugh.” His body came back to life all at once, just in time to feel the hard impact of the fall. It rattled not just the floor and the tree, but his bones as well.

He heard a woof, then the click of nails on the floorboards, and Humbug scrambled to his feet, hands out to ward off the huge dog that came trotting into the room, tail waving like a flag.

Was that a Saint Bernard? Santa’s beard, he was going to get bitt—licked. He was being licked. The silly beast was licking his hand, then his arm.

“No stranger to elves, are you?” he murmured. This big guy was super friendly, thank the holly and the mistletoe. “Well, let’s see what we can see.”

Humbug started with the tree. The three gifts under it all said, “To Baxter, from Mom.”

Ouch. The guy was old enough to either rent or own his own home, because there was no way a female lived in this house, for all that it was neat as a pin. But he was still just getting presents from Mom. And it was Christmas Eve, so he knew there was no one else sending presents…

His belly rumbled, reminding him that he hadn’t had a bite to eat since yesterday afternoon, when he’d gotten himself boxed up and shipped off, Santa style.

Rudolph’s asshole, he resented that magic man.

He headed to the fridge, the giant dog on his heels, breath hot on the backs of his knees. “So, what do we have in here?” he murmured.

Milk. A half-eaten pie of some sort.

A turkey breast, uncooked and waiting for tomorrow? Shit, so the guy didn’t even get to eat with his mom? Maybe he was needed here. The dude needed someone to eat his Christmas dinner with.

“Woo. Score.” He found a plastic-wrapped batch of cold pizza. Pulling out a piece, he sniffed it. Still good. Yay.

A soft woof made him jump. “Shh. I’ll share with you, but don’t wake up your dad.”

He wasn’t ready for that conversation. Because while it was tempting to walk out the door, he knew there would be consequences if he didn’t do whatever the hell Santa number fifteen wanted from him. There always were.

He knew he would have to do some fast talking to get this guy to understand that he had to be able to stick around until he was allowed to go. Not back to the North Sparkly Pole, though, dammit. He was going to be a lone elf. Strike out on his own.

He pulled out the pizza, unwrapped it, and stuck a piece in his mouth narrow end first while he looked for something to drink.

Milk? Nah, not with pizza. Iced tea? Not the thing. Sprite, maybe… Aha. Beer.

He pulled one out, nipping off a bite of pizza. He put the beer down to open it, then shared a bite with the St. Bernard. Just to keep him quiet.

He did a little butt wiggle dance while he hunted for a bottle opener. Humbug had never been able to pop a top with just his hand. He wasn’t exactly tiny, but he did have the more delicate elf limbs and features…

When he finally found the weird utensil drawer, he opened his beer, put his pizza on a plate, and headed back out to the main room. He could watch TV for a bit. He was totally in a different time zone than he would have been at home. His former home.

For a moment, he let the sadness of that wash over him. But then, his best friend had also been sent off in a box to somewhere, so there was no job, no friend, and no place for him back there now.

He settled in the recliner, noticing that the butt grooves worn into it were a wee bit big for him. Jingle bells, it was tempting to go peek in the bedroom and see what his erstwhile host looked like, but that might be a bad idea. He needed to wait until the guy woke up to spring this whole situation on him.

He grabbed the remote and turned on the TV, hitting the volume right away so nothing got loud and weird. Now he just needed to find something—absolutely not a Christmas show. Easier said than done on Christmas Eve.

Finally, he found a comfy spot and a good movie so he could eat his pizza and sip his beer. The dog settled in at his feet, waiting for more bites. He got engrossed in the movie, and he didn’t hear anything else he probably should have until the click of nails coming back to him sounded, followed by someone turning on the lights.

He looked back toward the bedroom hallway, eyes widening at the sight of a huge man standing in the opening to it, filling it up.

“Who the hell are you, and what are you doing in my fucking living room, eating my leftover pizza?”