Never Stop

18. Ander

Chapter eighteen

Ander

D oes she think I'm supposed to sit back and be okay with her walking away and acting like I don't exist again after she just stormed back into my life like a goddamn tornado and stirred up emotions inside of me that I've been trying to suppress for years? If that's honestly what she expects, then she has lost her fucking mind. I gave up easily once, but I refuse to do it again.

Not when it comes to her .

"No, V! Not this time!" I shout as I throw my truck door open and chase behind her.

She stops in her tracks but doesn't spin to face me. I can see her shoulders slump forward as she lets go of an exhale.

"If you're going to push me away again after our amazing night, you could at least come out and say it," I say this through anger and pain .

"Ander," her voice is small. She shakes her head, still refusing to turn to face me. I walk around her, standing right in her view, giving her no choice but to look at me. Her gaze stays fixated on the ground. I inch in close to her, leaving very little space between us.

A lone tear rolls down her cheek. It takes everything in me not to pull her into me and kiss it away.

"Don't do this," she whispers, barely audible.

"No, Olivia, you don't do this!" my voice is firm as I try to control myself and not let the pain and anger that's coursing through me take control. I'm not trying to hurt or scare her, but god damn it, she owes me an explanation. I deserve to hear her words.

"What do you want from me?"

"The truth! I want answers, V! Fuck. You've shut me out for six goddamn miserable years. I've tried to be there for you. I did everything I could think of, and still, it wasn't enough."

I feel my voice getting louder, which is not what I want to do. I lower my tone before speaking again.

"I'm sorry for raising my voice at you. I never expected this." I motion a hand between us.

"I thought I'd never see you again. Talk with you again. Touch you again. Now, I did. I'll be damned if I'm going to let you walk away again without putting up more of a fight this time. I should have fought harder for you. You deserved for me to fight harder—" My voice catches as the lump in my throat grows.

She lets out a sigh as more tears fall from her eyes. I can tell this is ripping her apart, which isn't what I'm trying to do.

I close the gap between us and pull her into me. For a brief moment, she lets go of her control. She allows herself to relax in my arms and let me hold her like I've longed to do for the past six years.

One of her hands grips my back with need, pulling me tighter into her. I grab ahold of her other hand and place it over my heart.

"Don't you feel that? Can't you see what you still do to me? What you've always done and will always do to me. My heart beats for you."

Our embrace is short-lived as she pulls out of my grasp and steps back.

"Ander, I can't give you what you need."

"How would you know what I need? You've been MIA for six years," I deadpan.

"What I need is answers."

She looks me over for a second, then gives a gentle nod as she crosses her arms over her chest and leans against one of her porch posts, putting more distance between us.

I take her subtle nod as permission to proceed, so I do, with a lump in my throat and my stomach and heart both in knots.

This is it.

This is what I've waited six years for—the anxiety seeps in. I think over exactly how to word my questions.

"Why Rosie? Why wouldn't you let me be there for you? Is it because you blame me? Because I've thought about this, long and hard, for six years. If I could take that night back, I would. I fucking would."

I take a few steps closer to her. Our bodies are almost touching, but it's as if there's an invisible barrier between us, keeping me from touching her and closing the gap that separates us.

"I would take it back in a heartbeat, at any cost, if possible. I would do anything to change what happened, but I can't.—"

She cuts me off, her voice soft and just above a whisper, "I have never regretted you or that night together. I wouldn't take it back. It wasn't your fault."

She reaches out and cups her hand over my face, running the pad of her thumb over the apple of my cheek. I lean into her touch with a sigh.

"It isn't your fault either, V. You know that, right?" I ask as I cover my hand over hers.

She pulls her hand back and scoffs at my words with a shake of her head.

"I wish that were true, but it just isn't."

"Rosie, look at me,"

She shakes her head again, shifting her gaze to the ground just before softly closing her eyes.

Fuck this.

I close the gap between us and pull her into me, cupping her face with both hands. Touching her again causes all the years of memories we share to flood back in. I can tell she's reliving us, too.

"Fuck" I mutter as I lean in, and our foreheads rest against one another.

"I never thought I'd see you again, and now, here you are. I'm not just going to let you go."

She inhales a sharp breath. Then she runs her hands up and down my arms, taking her time.

"Why did you push me away? Why wouldn't you talk to me? Why wouldn't you let me be there for you?"

Tears fall from her eyes, landing on my hands that still run their paths over her cheeks, and I swipe each one away.

"After they died," She cringes as she says the words out loud, "I knew I couldn't be who you needed or deserved. I loved you so much."

The tears turn into sobbing as I take my hands and wrap them around her waist, pulling her into me until I'm practically holding her. She's crying so hard that she's barely able to get the words out. It kills me. I'm not trying to hurt her or make her relive this. I want to make sense of everything because I never could.

"The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you, but I knew the happiness you could give someone. I experienced it firsthand… It was beautiful. I knew that I couldn't give the same to you in return. All I've ever wanted for you was happiness."

Her words rip a hole in me.

"Why wouldn't you let that be my choice?" I ask, letting her go and taking a step back so that I can look at her. She tries to avoid my gaze, but I can tell she's holding so much back once our eyes meet.

"Damnit, Olivia, can't you just give me straight answers? I've waited all these years for them."

"There are no simple answers, Anderson! How do you not see that!" She snaps, yelling at me with a firm shove to my chest. It's not exactly what I intended, but seeing her stand her ground reminds me of the firecracker she's always been.

"Do you think it was easy for me? My entire life was changed dramatically in seconds. I lost everyone who mattered to me. I lost everything and everyone I loved wholeheartedly. That includes you … Especially you." She pushes at my chest again.

"You think I wanted this for myself? For either of us? I did what I had to do!" She spins on her heels and turns back towards her porch.

Oh, hell no. She's not getting off that easily, not this time.

I grab her wrist and spin her back to me, wrapping one arm around her waist and pushing our bodies together as the other glides over her chin, angling her face to mine. She lets out a surprised gasp, and as her sweet breath coats over my skin, I come unglued and lose all self-control.

I crash my lips to hers, and there's nothing gentle about it. It's a kiss filled with greed, needs, and yearning. A kiss that I never thought I'd get. The best part is that she kisses me back. Our lips massage one another's. Then, without warning, hers slowly parted. I don't miss this invitation to deepen it.

She lets out a soft moan that I swallow without hesitation. Her hands make their way into my hair, knocking my hat off as she tugs my hair softly with one hand and claws at my neck with the other.

The girl knows me and what I like, as if she is the one who created the road map to my heart.

Hell, she did.

I nibble down on her lip before taking it into my mouth and sucking softly, letting it fall out with a gentle pop. She lets out another soft moan as I trail kisses up and down her neck.

I kiss, lick and suck the sensitive spot right below her ear. The place that I know drives her wild. Taking in and savoring her sweet scent and appreciating the softness of her skin, I take my time planting kisses on the nape of her neck before returning to her mouth.

Once our lips reunite, I whisper, "Fuck Rosie, I missed you so damn much."

Just like that, the moment is robbed from me. It's as if a light bulb in her brain flicked on, and she realizes what she allowed herself to enjoy.

Her hands stop moving. I can feel her slipping away. Before I know it, her hands are on my chest as she's softly pushing me back, resisting me.

"Ander, we can't do this."

I shake my head in disbelief that she's still resisting me and us.

"Please. Don't do this…"

"No, this cannot happen." She shakes her head. Sorrow and pain are painted in her eyes as she continues, "Too much time has passed. You need to go."

She turns back around and heads to her porch. She unlocks her door and walks in, closing it behind her.

There I stand, stunned. I am attempting to process the whiplash of what just occurred.

I can hear her body press against the door as she drops to the floor on the other side. I make my way to it and lean against it for a minute before speaking, knowing she's right on the other side. This door is the only thing that separates us.

"I can't just give up, not again. Not on you, Rosie. Not on us . It was always supposed to be us . We both know it. We both felt it tonight; we've always felt it. I'll be waiting once you're ready. You're it for me. It's that simple." I say it directly into the door.

I hear a sob break from her on the other side, which confirms that she heard me. It tears at my chest, knowing I can't console her like I want to. Like I need to. She needs time to process, and I must respect her space. I made where I stand clear. The rest has to be up to her, in her own time.

I briefly got my girl back, only to possibly lose her again. I know she felt what I felt tonight. I won't rush her, but I'm not giving up this time.

There will be no white flag from me.