Noah (Angel Institute #7)

Chapter 14

Fourteen

NOAH

P aige joins me on the sidewalk, and I pull her in for a quick kiss. She grins up at me and winks. Her hand is warm in mine as she leads me to our favorite booth, her excitement palpable. “You won’t believe the phone call I got on the way over here.” She takes off her gloves and sets them aside. “Also, I changed my mind about a pizza roll.”

I shuck my coat before sitting across from her. The familiar scents of coffee, cinnamon, and freshly baked pie envelop us in a comforting embrace. I don’t know if I could live closer to the bakery. Sam would add fifty pushups to our routine if I ate this many carbs. Not that we’re big on counting carbs. Well, I’m not. I think Sam is, though. He drinks protein shakes and things like that, too. That would explain why he can bench more than me. Maybe I should try them for a week.

I settle in across from her, trying to match her enthusiasm. I want to be there for her, just like she’s been there for me. I want to share every success and failure. I want a life with her. The thought is stunning, and—despite how much overthinking I’ve done today—I don’t pause to dwell on it.

Before I can respond, Maggie bustles over, her round face flushed from the heat of the kitchen. Her candy cane apron is dusted with flour, and the pencil tucked behind her ear threatens to disappear into her hair. “Well, if it isn’t my favorite lovebirds,” she says with a wink that makes my cheeks heat up. “What can I get for you two today?”

Paige doesn’t miss a beat. “I’ll have the turkey club and a peppermint hot chocolate, please. Oh, and can you add extra whipped cream?”

“You got it,” Maggie nods, jotting down the order. She turns to me, her pen poised over her notepad. “And for you, Noah?”

“Uh, I’ll take a pizza roll and soda,” I manage, my appetite diminished by the nervous energy coursing through me. Paige is acting funny. She keeps checking her phone and grinning.

As Maggie heads back to the kitchen, Paige reaches across the table, her fingers intertwining with mine. I run my thumb over her knuckles, loving the soft feel of her skin. “Okay, I can’t hold it in any longer,” she says, practically bouncing in her seat. “I got the most amazing opportunity.”

I smile. Amazing is great for her, which means it will be great for us, I tell myself. “That’s great, Paige. What is it?” There are a lot of greats running through my head right now because I’m trying to convince myself that it will all work out. I don’t know why I feel this shadow over my gut. Is it instinct? Is it a fear of being left behind? Paige is so incredible, and she’s constantly moving. What if I’m trying to catch a tornado and hold her down?

Her words come out in an excited rush, like a dam breaking. “I’ve been offered a chance to be part of an influencer project next spring. It’s a collaboration with several other travel vloggers, exploring some of the most remote and beautiful places in Southeast Asia. Can you believe it?”

The bakery seems to fade away as I process her words. Southeast Asia. Next spring. Remote places. Each detail feels like another weight settling on my chest, making it harder to breathe. Paige is still talking, her eyes alight with enthusiasm.

She squeezes my hands. “I want you to come with me, Noah. Think of all the amazing things you could draw. The temples in Thailand, the rice terraces in Bali, and the bustling markets in Vietnam. It would be incredible.”

I open my mouth to respond, but no words come out.

Five minutes ago, I thought about releasing God in my life, in my art, and seeing what happened—and now this. Is this a test to see if I will take the opportunity, or is it just a coincidence?

My mind is a whirlwind of conflicting emotions—excitement at the prospect of seeing these amazing places and being able to draw them, fear of leaving the safety of Benton Falls, doubt about my ability to capture such exotic scenes, and a gnawing worry about what this means for us, for our relationship that’s only just beginning to blossom. Should we be planning trips together? Are we moving too fast? Or is this just right, and I just don’t know how couples do things?

Maggie returns with our drinks, setting down Paige’s peppermint hot chocolate, piled high with whipped cream and sprinkled with crushed candy canes and my plain old soda. The stark contrast between our beverages feels oddly symbolic of our current situation.

“Noah?” Paige prompts gently, her smile faltering slightly at my prolonged silence. “What do you think?”

I take a sip of my drink, wincing as the carbonation cuts at the back of my throat. It gives me a moment to collect my thoughts, and to try to form a response that won’t disappoint her. “It sounds... amazing, Paige. Really. But I... I don’t think I can go.”

The words hang in the air between us, heavy and final. Paige’s face falls, her excitement dimming like a candle being snuffed out. “Oh,” she says softly, withdrawing her hand from mine. The loss of contact leaves me feeling cold and alone. “May I ask why not?”

I stare into my cup, unable to meet her eyes. How can I explain the sense that I’m not good enough to join her? I’m not a good enough artist. I’m not a good enough videographer. I don’t have any experience in these things. She’s already had one boyfriend set her back; I couldn’t live with myself if I did that to her. I think she’s so much better off without me—in this case. I mean, I don’t want to lose her. I don’t want to lose who I am when I am with her. I have had loads more inspiration since she came into my life. I’m trying new things—and not just socially but with my drawings. It’s like I’ve fallen in love with it again. I’m just not ready to step into the next phase of being a real artist.

I can already hear my parents.

The doubt that whispers “I’m not good enough to make this trip.” is practically paralyzing. So much so that all these words and feelings are damned inside of me and can’t come out.

“I just... I can’t leave the ice rink for that long,” I say lamely, knowing it’s a weak excuse and she’ll see right through it.

Paige is quiet for a moment, and when I finally look up, the disappointment in her eyes makes my heart ache. “Noah,” she says gently, “the ice will have melted.”

I shake my head, feeling the walls closing in around me. “You don’t understand, Paige. I can’t just drop everything and go across the world. That’s not who I am.”

But it’s who you want to be , screams a voice inside my head. Why can’t I just do it? Why am I allowing this block to keep me from having everything I want? Why I can’t I make the dream a reality?

“Who you are?” Paige repeats, a hint of frustration creeping into her voice. “Noah, I thought... I thought you’d be excited about this.”

The arrival of our food provides a momentary distraction. Maggie sets down Paige’s turkey club, the aroma of toasted bread and crisp bacon filling the air. My pizza roll is a work of art with green peppers and pepperoni spilling out of the swirls. But my appetite has completely deserted me.

We eat in uncomfortable silence, the tension between us uncomfortable and unnatural. Christmas music plays softly in the background, the familiar melodies a reminder of the joy and magic of the season that now feels just out of reach.

As we finish our meal, Paige glances at her watch and sighs. “I have to go,” she says, her voice tinged with sadness. “I have a meeting with my travel agent to hash out the schedule and flights.” She stops, and I get the feeling she was going to invite me to the meeting but changed her mind.

The finality of her words hits me like sour egg nog. This is really happening. Paige is going…with or without me. She starts to slide out of the booth, and panic rises in my throat. I can’t let her leave like this. I don’t know what this means for us. We were solid less than an hour ago—a rock I was ready to build a future around, and now we’re slipping like sands on the beach.

“Paige, wait,” I say, reaching for her hand. She pauses, looking at me with a mixture of hope and resignation. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to react so... negatively. It’s just a lot to take in. For me, anyway. I know you do this kind of thing all the time, but—I don’t.”

Her expression softens, and she gives my hand a gentle squeeze. “I understand, Noah. It is a big decision. But please, think about it, okay? The invitation is open. I’d love nothing more than to share this adventure with you.”

Before I can respond, she leans in and places a soft kiss on my cheek. For a moment, I’m tempted to throw caution to the wind and tell her I’ll go. But the words stick in my throat. “I’ll think about it,” I manage to say, my voice hoarse with emotion. I hadn’t realized how small my world actually is until I thought about leaving it and seeing more. What am I so afraid of?

Paige nods, a small smile playing at the corners of her mouth. “I’ll call you later, okay?”

I watch through the window as she makes her way down the street to her car, her blonde hair catching the weak winter sunlight.

The bakery suddenly feels too loud, too crowded. The cheerful chatter of other patrons, the clink of cutlery against plates, the hiss of the espresso machine—it all grates on my nerves. I signal Maggie for the check, needing to escape to find some quiet place to think.

As I wait, my eyes fall on the empty seat across from me. I can still see Paige there, her face alight with excitement as she talked about our potential adventure. The image blurs as unexpected tears prick at my eyes. What am I doing? Why am I letting my fear hold me back? I squeeze my eyes shut to hold them back and swallow. I open them just in time to see Maggie appear.

“Everything alright, sugar?” she asks, her voice gentle.

I nod, not trusting myself to speak. I pay the bill and leave a generous tip, then hurry out of the diner, desperate for some fresh air to clear my head.

Outside, the cold winter air hits me like a slap. I leave my car and start walking aimlessly, my mind a whirlwind of conflicting thoughts and emotions. The streets of Benton Falls, decorated for Christmas with twinkling lights and festive wreaths, mock me with their cheer. I make a loop around the town square and end up back at Sweet Escape. I’m not sure where to go. This was the last place Paige and I were together, and I feel like, if I leave it, I’m leaving what we have behind, too.

Maggie looks up as I enter, surprise flickering across her face. “Back so soon, Noah?”

I nod, not meeting her eyes. “Is the corner booth free?”

She gestures towards the back of the dining area. “All yours. Want some coffee?”

“Please,” I say, making my way to the booth. It’s tucked away in a quiet corner, offering a modicum of privacy. I slide in, my back to the wall, and let out a long, shaky breath.

Maggie appears a moment later, setting a steaming mug of coffee in front of me. “You want to talk about it?” she asks, her voice kind.

I shake my head. “Not right now. But thanks.”

She pats my shoulder gently. “Alright. I’m here if you need me.”

As Maggie walks away, I wrap my hands around the warm mug, letting the heat seep into my cold fingers. The rich aroma of freshly brewed coffee fills my nostrils, but even this familiar comfort does little to soothe my troubled mind.

I stare into the dark liquid as if it might hold the answers to the questions swirling in my head. Why am I so afraid of change? Why can’t I embrace this opportunity the way Paige has? And most importantly, what am I going to do?

The thought of Paige traveling to exotic locations without me fills me with an intense longing. I can picture her, camera in hand, her face lit up with wonder as she explores ancient temples and bustling markets. But in these mental images, I’m always by her side, sketchbook in hand, capturing the beauty around us. Or, I’m holding the camera, creating visuals that take the breath away.

But then reality crashes in. The voice of doubt, sounding suspiciously like my father, whispers in my ear. You’re not good enough. You’ll only hold her back. You belong here, in Benton Falls, where it’s safe and predictable.

I close my eyes, trying to shut out the negative thoughts. I wish I had someone to talk to, someone who could help me sort through this mess of emotions. Sam is busy with his own life and girlfriend, and as much as I appreciate Maggie’s kindness, this isn’t something I can discuss with her.

The bell above the door jingles, and I look up out of habit. Blonde hair tousled by the wind, an impossibly cheerful grin on his face, and that inexplicable energy bundles through the door like a whirlwind.

Will.

I groan inwardly. Anyone but him. I get that he wants to be my friend and all, but I don’t have it in me to nurture a new friendship with small talk right now.

Will’s eyes scan the diner and land on me. His grin widens if that’s even possible, and he begins to make his way toward my booth. I brace myself, unsure of what this encounter might bring but certain that my quiet contemplation is about to be thoroughly disrupted.