Noaz (Van Doren #2)

4. Noaz

4

NOAZ

I lie awake staring at the ceiling with one thing drifting through my mind. Briar . The way he looked at me won’t stop dancing through my head. His attention rarely left me and while maybe it should have been anything but flattering, it felt… heated.

For two days now, I’ve been thinking about Briar and the way he stared. I’d recognized his surprise when we were first introduced. I’ve received it a lot over the years. As someone who doesn't solidly identify with a single gender, my deep voice and physical appearance tend to make people react with some level of shock.

Briar was no different, considering the way his eyes widened in surprise when Oakley introduced me as ‘Uncle Noaz.’ He definitely thought I should have been Aunt Noaz. Honestly, I’d answer to either, but I’d been Uncle since I was three when Myro was born. It’s just something that stuck. Besides, Aunt Noaz sounds funny.

Then when I spoke to him, my deep voice surprised him further. He didn’t understand the disconnect.

However, that’s where the similarities stopped between his introduction and most. His eyes didn’t travel down my body as he further tried to figure out the puzzle of my perceived and assigned genders. He continued to stare at me.

Me. As a person. Not like I was something to understand and figure out. That is a very distinct kind of stare. Usually, some squinting is involved, as if there’s a sour taste in their mouths. Confusion. It’s all rather comical if not insulting.

Briar was different. He simply stared at me. Even when he tried not to, his eyes constantly drifted back to me.

I could feel his gaze all over, and it made my body tingle with awareness. His depthless dark eyes were intense.

While he didn’t speak a lot, when he did, his voice gave me chills. The good kind of chills. Not the creepy kind. The kind that reaches into your core and imprints on your soul. So smooth and articulate. Eloquent.

Sighing, I turn my head and blindly fumble for my phone in the dark. It’s three ten in the morning. I groan in irritation. For the second night in a row, my mind will not quiet. I wish it were something productive keeping me awake. Fantasizing about the man across the street isn’t productive.

Throwing off the covers, I sit up and swing my legs over the side of the bed. I rub my face, trying to wipe away the image of Briar that hangs behind my eyelids. I can still feel his gaze on my body like a phantom touch. A ghost of a memory. I shiver.

Flicking the button to turn my phone screen on again, I see a message from Lorissa. It simply reads ‘3.’ Without thinking, I call her.

“Hey, boss,” Lorissa answers.

“Hey. Everything okay? ”

“Perfect,” she says.

“The cleanup is going smoothly?” While we don’t exactly talk in code and Voss has made sure all phones tied to VD in any way are locked solidly behind a privacy wall, we don’t take any chances.

“We’re ahead of schedule. Pops released one we delivered on lack of evidence or something, so we picked it back up and discarded it ourselves.”

Pops is our alternate for cops. Their release of one of the gang members we delivered to them is exactly why we don’t give them the important figures. They’re incompetent.

I suppose that isn’t a fair statement. They’re stretched thin and have to follow ass backward laws that often do more to protect the criminals than the innocent. Thus why we keep the worst of the ones we hunt and dispose of them ourselves. For the vilest of creatures, they don’t deserve a life in prison for their crimes— if they’re convicted. Sitting on their asses for twenty-five years to life when they’ve literally ruined dozens, if not hundreds, of lives?

Nope. They deserve death. Yes, I’m going to play god and make sure they fucking get what they deserve. If they can play god and destroy lives, I can play god and end theirs. I’m pretty sure that’s plenty fair. The families of the victims would agree.

“Good. You need anything?”

“No, boss. We’re good. Take your time.”

I smile into the darkness. “Thanks, Lorissa. Let me know if you need something.”

“Will do.” She pauses. “Why are you awake, Noaz?”

“Couldn’t sleep. Saw your text and dialed without really registering the time. Why are you awake? ”

“My dogs demanded a sunrise walk to piss this morning.”

I chuckle. “I see.”

“I hope you’re not worrying about what’s going on here. I promise we have it under control.”

“Yeah, I know you do.” I wish that were the thing keeping me awake, since I know how to calm those thoughts easily enough. “I’m good. Promise.”

“Okay. Enjoy your family. I’ll text you an update this evening.”

We end the call, and I stare into the darkness of my borrowed bedroom. I’m clearly not going to be sleeping. But what do I do at three in the morning?

Getting to my feet, I wander to the window. This room is in the back of the house and I’m looking into a picturesque backyard with a pool, greenhouse, and hot tub.

Grinning, I rifle through the drawer in the dresser and pull out my swim shorts. I slip out of my underwear and pull up the shorts before grabbing a towel from the bathroom.

The halls are silent. I step out my bedroom door and listen. No sound at all.

The second floor has five bedrooms. Three of which are occupied by Loren and Oakley, Voss, and Myro. The third floor has two, which is where the triplets sleep. The first has Jalon’s primary suite and another guest room tucked into the side of the house.

I chose one of the guest rooms on the second floor.

There’s no noise coming from any of the bedrooms, which doesn’t surprise me since it’s well before dawn. Still, I take care to be as quiet as possible as I move through the house and into the backyard .

Setting my towel onto the chair nearby, I uncover the hot tub, turn its lights on, and then the jets. It’s not loud, but even so, I glance back at the house. All the lights are still off and the windows are closed. Hopefully, this won’t disturb anyone. I can’t imagine it will.

Since southern Arizona is desert land, it doesn’t get incredibly cold at night in May. On average, the temperature might hover around the mid-sixties. But it can reach the fifties and below from November to March.

I love the air out here. I’ve lived in places where the dew point is 100% with 90% humidity at 90 degrees. You want to feel like the air is trying to suffocate you? Live in the Southeast U.S. in the summer. It’s disgusting.

Say what you will, but in my opinion, Arizona heat is very, very different. It’s dry. Not thick with moisture to the point where your lungs hurt. Yes, it’s fucking hot—grossly hot—but it’s not suffocatingly hot with nasty-humid air like Florida. Or hell, even New York.

Everyone has their own threshold for heat, and I respect that. Arizona is just my preferred type of heat, and I think it’s the same for the rest of my family. That’s why our homestead is in northern Arizona.

I sink into the warm water with a sigh. The air outside isn’t cold. It’s comfortable. A little chilly because, once again, the air lacks the sticky thickness of humidity. But it’s beautiful.

The sky is clear too. As I lie back and stare at the stars, I marvel at how clear it is. I can see for ages. There’s light pollution to the east as this little college town gives way to Tucson, but I can still count a million stars in the sky.

And among them, I see Briar’s eyes. The way he stared at me .

Sighing, I concentrate on the stars, trying to push him away. It’s ridiculous. I don’t know this man. He’s nothing to me. He’s not shown any interest in me. In fact, when Oakley talked about him in the past, he mentioned a girlfriend.

I might not be a single static gender, but I know how the world identifies me. Magic wand in my pants marks me as a man. They’re wrong, of course, but that’s an argument for a different day. The point is, that’s what he saw too. That’s why there was an initial surprise when I was introduced. I’m a contradiction in modern society.

Well, he didn’t see my wand. I didn’t whip that out.

The stars sparkle overhead, shining and winking down on me. I’m reminded of a rhyme from childhood and since I’m alone, I give in to the innocent temptation.

“Star light, star bright. First star I see tonight. I wish I may, I wish I might, have this wish I wish tonight,” I murmur, voice soft so it doesn’t carry over the bubbles around me.

While I don’t give my wish a voice, it comes from my heart all the same as I stare at the winking stars. I wish for a love all my own. I wish for my perfect partner. A perfect husband and father and lover and friend.

Yep, there’s Briar’s face dancing before my eyes.

The sliding glass door behind me opens with a quiet shht. I shift to see who I’d woken up. Maybe I shouldn’t be surprised to find my brother.

Jalon and I are seventeen years apart in age. I find it hilarious that Oakley and his friends have started calling him Daddy Jalon. When I was a kid, I used to call him the same thing. I mean, it’s reasonable. He was definitely a father figure to my brothers and me far more than he was an older brother. Especially since he got married when I was two and had his first child when I was three.

He was a father. Our other brother and I spent a lot of time at his house growing up. We grew up with his kids as our siblings more than our nephews.

Jalon pulls his shirt over his head and tosses it to the chair where my towel is. He isn’t in swim trunks but boxer briefs. I wonder absently if he owns swim trunks.

He climbs in, sitting opposite me and to the side.

“Are the bubbles too loud?” I ask, amused.

He smirks. “There’s a silent alarm on the backdoor that goes straight to my phone.”

I flinch. “Ouch. Sorry. I didn’t know that.”

Jalon shrugs. “No big deal. The kids forget, too, and set it off on occasion. I don’t join them outside, though.”

Chuckling, I shake my head as I lean back, staring up at the stars again.

“Everything okay, No?”

I nod. “Yep.”

“Homesick?”

“Maybe?” I say, shrugging. “I don’t know. Just needed a break.”

“You’re welcome here anytime.”

“Speaking of here… when are you going home?”

“I don’t know. Oakley isn’t ready to leave his friends yet, and Loren isn’t going anywhere without Oakley.”

“And you all won’t leave Loren.” Not that I don’t understand. I absolutely do. Loren doesn’t blend in with society and he will absolutely get himself into trouble if he’s not careful. Which he’s never been, and he’s even less careful now that he has Oakley.

I’ve heard that Oakley is a bit of an accident waiting to happen. How do you walk into a serial killer’s den? Like… that’s a special kind of talent.

“Loren is closest with Imry and Myro keeps him in line. However, Imry won’t last long without the other two-thirds of his triplet brothers, and Myro goes out as often as Loren does for contracts. Another option is I stay here and the brothers rotate out. Or we wait for Oakley to be ready to move on.”

“His friends are what’s keeping him here?”

Jalon nods. “I think once they start partnering up and moving out, he’ll be able to let go. But they’ve been together a long time and have seen each other through some tough times. I’m not surprised they’re all a little hesitant to let go. They’re each other’s comfort item and support system against an ugly world.”

“They’re in their twenties now,” I hedge. “I’m guessing it’s getting closer to that eventuality.”

“Mmm,” Jalon hums. “Honey Bee and Myro are trying their best to sneak around. It’s as adorable as it is alarming that my contract killer son can’t hide a relationship better than he is. I have to think he’s not trying at all to ease my mind.”

I laugh.

“Levis is seeing someone and has been for…” he trails off. “I can’t remember what Oakley said. A year, maybe. My guess is he’ll be the first to move out. I think Oakley said Haze has been talking to someone, but he doesn’t know anything about it. Brek is… fighting his own battles, I think.”

I wait for him to talk about Briar. Anything about Briar. When he doesn’t, I can’t help but prompt him. “And the last friend? Briar?”

Jalon shakes his head, shrugging. “Dunno. He’s concentrating on work as far as I know. Oakley hasn’t mentioned him much lately.”

Figures.

“What about you?” Jalon asks.

“I’d love to get married and move out, Dad,” I say wryly.

He grins. “I know.” His hand wraps around my ankle for a minute and squeezes before letting me go. He does know. “I know you want a family that includes a partner, but… you can start a family without one. You know that, right?”

“I submitted my adoption application five years ago,” I admit, sighing. “To two agencies.”

Jalon frowns. “Want me to?—”

“No,” I cut him off, laughing. “I want to be chosen based on what’s in my file. Not because money talks.”

“There are other ways. Surrogacy.”

“Yeah, I know. I’ve thought about it, but my heart has been set on adoption for ages. I don’t know why, but I really want a child this way.”

He nods again, his blue eyes locked on mine. He’s the only one in our family with blue eyes. Me, our brothers, his sons—we all have brown eyes. Jalon’s are this dark, crisp blue.

“Okay. I get it.”

Minutes pass as I stare at the stars. The jets turn off and neither of us moves to turn them back on. I’m not getting tired, and I know I’m going to hit a wall midday tomorrow. But there’s nothing I can do that seems to make me want to pass out right now.

“You’re ready to retire from clean-up,” Jalon says quietly.

I shift so I can look at him without picking my head up.

“You’re ready for the next chapter of your life.”

His words echo in my chest and I take a deep breath, then nod. “Yeah. I can’t imagine coming home to my kids with blood under my nails.”

He chuckles.

“My team is already self-sufficient. I could disappear off the face of the earth and Lorissa would keep it running smoothly. But… yeah. Maybe that’s why I came home. I’m ready for my family. I want a family. But I just don’t see how the two lives can work together. At least, not for me.”

“That’s okay,” Jalon says. “I knew this was coming. We already have backup plans.”

“Of course you do.”

He smiles. “I’ll do whatever I can to support you, No. Whatever you need.”

“The adoption thing will happen, eventually. I’m confident about that. But if you could magic me the perfect husband, that would be great.”

Jalon’s chuckle is quiet. “I’ll see what I can do.”

The thing is, I know my brother. He would give me my heart’s every desire if it were in his abilities. He’s a great brother.