Nobody’s Perfect

Chapter 23

After a blessedly uneventful Monday, Abi and I left for Rise and Shine Atlanta at o-dark-thirty on Tuesday morning.

Abi, who was used to working into the early hours of the morning and then sleeping in late, could not quit yawning. No amount of begging had convinced Rachel to skip her faculty meeting to join us, but in the end, she brought us an eight-by-ten of her last school picture complete with frame so she could be with us in spirit.

Maybe the Mom Scouts had been my idea, but Abi and Rachel had been with me every step of the way. I wanted to honor that.

Or at least that s what I repeatedly told myself as hair and makeup readied Abi and me for the cameras. A kind assistant briefed us on the best way to sit, telling us not to bob our heads too much. Even so, Abi looked a bit like a deer caught in the headlights. For the life of me I couldn t figure out what had upset her. I would ve bet good money Abi wasn t scared of anything.

Then Atlanta legend Alavita Hodges sat down. Hi, thanks for joining me this morning. I thought we might chat before we go live.

Well, thank you for having us this morning.

My pleasure. I only wish you could ve talked Mr. Always into coming. Is he single, by the way? I could use a man like that in my life.

I swallowed hard. Who?

The neighbor who bought all the pads and tampons.

Oh. Parker. The little video about his adventures in feminine hygiene had gained over half a million views and was easily my second most popular video.

So that s his name. Is this Parker single?

Uh-oh. I shouldn t have mentioned his name.

His wife recently passed away, I said.

Abi turned her head so quickly to look at me that she almost pulled a muscle.

Why did I lie? It couldn t be jealousy. Besides, was it really a lie? She had passed away recently in comparison to, say, the Jurassic period.

Too bad, Alavita said, her smile never wavering. I couldn t believe how beautiful she was. How old was she? She had to be at least fifty, but she didn t look a day over thirty-five. Did she have a portrait of herself somewhere that did the aging for her?

Could I possibly get your autograph? Abi asked in the most solicitous, starstruck voice I d ever heard her use. She held out a fancy pen and a small book that she d been clutching ever since we d left our purses off set.

Absolutely, Alavita said.

One minute until we re on air!

Abi and I jumped, but Alavita was unhurried, looping her name carefully and handing the book back to Abi before turning to me. Remember what we talked about yesterday on the phone, and I ll try to make this as painless as possible. Just be loose and have fun.

Abi shoved the book between the cushions of her chair beside her.

And we ll be live in three . . . two . . . one . . .

Welcome to Rise and Shine Atlanta ! I m your host, Alavita Hodges, and this morning we ll be talking with Vivian Quackenbush, headmistress of the Mom Scouts and one of her fellow scouts, Abi Givens. Good morning, ladies!

We both said hello, but the lights around us were bright and distracting.

First things first-can we get you to repeat your line from the meme that s taking social media by storm?

I blinked. Oh, yes. My chicken salad is ah-mazing!

Alavita laughed. I don t know why I find that so funny, but I do. Let s take a look at your latest video, and then you can tell me more about what inspired you.

My mouth went dry. I d thought we were going to discuss my original video.

Members of the crew chuckled as the short video about Parker ended, and all eyes were on us once again. Alavita said, And you were telling me that Mr. Always, your neighbor Parker, isn t single? Say it isn t so.

Great. Now Alavita was repeating my severely stretched truth to everyone in the metro Atlanta area.

Well, um, his wife passed, I said.

Recently, I believe you said?

I could only nod.

Oh, good. A repeated lie. Telling lies always ends well.

I could feel Abi s stare. I prayed Alavita didn t ask me any more questions about Parker or his wife.

Well, those are some tempting forearms in those pictures. He s also featured in the video where you use hem tape on a dress, isn t he?

Yes, yes, he is. I forced a smile to my lips. This was bad. I hadn t thought this through. When Abi had mentioned that Alavita always managed to get the tea, I hadn t considered the fact that she d want to brew a pot of my secrets.

I do like a man who can take instruction, Alavita said. Now, tell me. What led you to form the Mom Scouts?

This was safer territory. I held up the framed photo and introduced Rachel-no last name-and explained why she couldn t be there. Then I went through some of our trials and tribulations as mothers who d learned more calculus than homeownership skills. I explained a few of our experiments and our new abiding love of YouTube as a place where we could go to learn new skills. I ended with a weak, Originally, I wanted to share some of our life hacks.

And now?

Now it s more about giving yourself credit for handling some of the crap life throws your way: standing up for yourself, maintaining friendships, spreading your wings.

Like your karaoke.

Exactly! For me, that was something I d always wanted to do but had been a little scared to try.

Let s take a look, shall we?

I opened my mouth to tell her that the karaoke video had been taken down, but her crew must ve saved a copy before YouTube axed it. I relaxed as Rachel, Abi, Mom, and I sang a raucous That s What Friends Are For.

That s your mother beside you in the video, isn t it?

Yes, it is, I said with a confidence that was taken right out of my sails by Alavita s next question.

Didn t she teach you any of these things? You know, the life hacks or the self-esteem building?

My mind detected danger, but my mouth kept moving. Alavita, I said in a bid to buy some time and with the hope that Abi might jump in and save me, my mother worked really hard-especially after her divorce. She didn t have time to teach me those things.

That satisfied Alavita. She turned to Abi but had a hard time getting answers of more than two words from her. At this point, I could almost feel Abi s chair vibrating and looked down to see she was tapping her foot. Before I could say or do anything-and, really, what could I say or do since we were on live television?-Alavita was addressing me again. But your most popular video isn t about life hacks, is it? Or are you going to help other women get their Divorce Badges?

This wasn t going the way I d hoped at all.

Uh, I m not a professional, so I can t really help other women get a divorce, but I would love for them to know they aren t alone.

And what did your son think about all of this?

I took a deep breath, feeling like a spider trapped under a glass. He was embarrassed-and rightly so-but he made the GIF of me saying whatever and made one of the early chicken salad memes. I m so proud of the young man he s become. I m really sorry about that early embarrassment, but if my video helps anyone else going through the same thing to feel better, then that s okay.

Any more tipsy videos in your future?

Oh, I don t think so, I said. It was hard to catch my breath, because I hadn t anticipated feeling like an ant under a microscope. I do want to make sure people know that I don t encourage that level of drinking on a regular basis. I really don t.

Alavita chuckled. I d guess not. But isn t your credo, Sometimes you deserve a glass of wine. Or a badge. Or a badge and a glass of wine ?

Well, when she put it that way. Uh, yes, but it s one glass.

All things in moderation, am I right? Alavita said with a wink. Now, let s take a brief look at your husband s response.

My eyes went wide, and I looked at Abi, who appeared to be frozen. Alavita hadn t warned me about this . . . but there was Mitch on the studio monitor, sloppy drunk and shirtless with a farmer s tan. There he was telling the world he d started a GoFundMe to raise money for his divorce attorney. At least Alavita cut off the video before anyone could get the information to donate to his account.

I couldn t school the shock from my features before the camera came back to me.

Vivian, is there anything you d like to say to your husband right now? asked Alavita.

Think of Dylan, think of Dylan, think of Dylan.

I forced my lips into a smile. He s certainly made his point about not airing our dirty laundry in public. You ll notice that I haven t mentioned him once after my first video, and I would appreciate it if he would extend me the same courtesy.

That s very generous of you, Alavita said. But I had the feeling she d been hoping for something more inflammatory.

She continued, Well, that s all the time we have for today. I m hoping that women everywhere will step out of their comfort zones and teach themselves some of these things that we either don t know how to do or are afraid to do. Any last words of wisdom for your fellow Mom Scouts?

Ah, sure. I guess, I d like to say you deserve rewards for the little things you do. Help one another, and don t be so rough on yourselves.

And could we get the recipe for your chicken salad? I hear it s ah-mazing.

I smiled broadly this time. I ll absolutely send it to you.

I could tell the camera was trained on her and only her as she said, You heard it here first! We ll have Vivian Quackenbush s ah-mazing chicken salad recipe later this afternoon on the blog. Thanks for joining us on Rise and Shine Atlanta , and I hope your day is just as great as your morning!

I could tell the minute the show was no longer live, because the smile on Alavita s face melted right off. I wanted to ask what those questions were all about, but I didn t dare.

Alavita made all the right comments about thanking us and inviting us back and thanking Abi for being a fan, but I could tell she was done with us. We hadn t given her quite the show she wanted. The last thing she said was, Remember to send me that chicken salad recipe.

As she walked away, a person with a headset congratulated her for thinking to ask for it. I was kinda surprised that she had been the first. Of course, much as I had when Sal hung around looking for a tip, I couldn t help but feel as though I d been taken advantage of.

To make matters worse, Abi still looked like a deer in the headlights.

I waited until we were safely inside the car with the windows rolled up. Abi, what is your deal?

Nothing. I have no deal.

Oh, Abi had a deal. Her pancake makeup looked ridiculous, and she d quit tapping her foot. But she had a deal. Several people had stopped me on their way out of the studio to tell me I was a broadcasting natural. Those same people studiously avoided making eye contact with Abi.

Abi-

Just please take me home. She clutched her autograph book to her chest.

We drove the distance from the station to Heritage Park in silence. The sun rose as we drove, but neither of us said anything. The minute I turned onto Oregon Trail, Abi sagged with relief. I didn t even bother parking in my driveway; I went straight to Abi s.

She bolted from the car and almost ran into the house.

I followed her at some distance, watching as she walked around checking windows and doors, stopping to scratch the spot between the floppy ears of her beagle Barney. She ran upstairs, where I could hear doors opening and closing. Finally, she came downstairs and brushed past me as if nothing weird in the least had happened. Tea?

Tea would be lovely, I said.

Once in the kitchen, I took a seat at the breakfast room table. I had so many questions, but I wasn t going to ask them. At least not yet.

How the heck could I not know that Abi had some kind of check-your-locks OCD?

You haven t told them about not having a college degree.

Sure, but not having a college degree didn t make me do something visible like check all the windows and locks when I returned home. I needed to change the subject, maybe ease into whatever had just happened. I can t believe how sexist that whole interview was.

Sexist? asked Abi.

Yes! She focused on Parker and Mitch! It was supposed to be an interview about the Mom Scouts, but she kept badgering me about Parker and then showed that video of Mitch, too. A GoFundMe? What is wrong with that man?

Oh, that, Abi said absently.

You don t remember any of it, do you.

Abi paused, her back still turned to me.

I m sorry I badgered you into coming with me. I had no idea that being on television would make you so uncomfortable.

It s not that exactly.

Then what is it, Abi?

I don t know. I just- Her phone pinged, and she picked it up and texted something.

Everything okay?

That s just Zeke checking on me.

I said nothing, waiting until Abi brought tea over. I absently dunked the bag in and out of the water even though I knew it was unnecessary. Maybe if I could manage to keep my big mouth shut, Abi would tell me what the deal was.

My tea steeped, and I had time to sip half of it before Abi spoke. I have a hard time leaving the house, and I get really nervous when I m away.

I cocked my head to one side. What could she possibly mean by that? And how could she be a private investigator if she didn t leave her house?

Abi sighed deeply. When I was thirteen we moved to this swanky neighborhood in East Cobb. It was an early-release day at school, and I was going to stay home by myself for the first time ever. I was so excited about making macaroni and cheese and watching whatever shows I wanted to watch. I practically ran from the school entrance to our subdivision to the house, only when I got there the door was wide open. Someone had robbed our house. They took all the electronics, my dad s gun, and my wallet. The one Mom had told me to leave behind because someone at school might steal it.

Where was this whole story going? That s awful.

Abi took a deep breath, and her eyes instinctively traveled to the alarm pad on the wall by the door that went out to the garage. When I was in college, I thought this guy had broken into my dorm room. I came back from class early and found him eating a ham sandwich made with ingredients from my fridge. Turns out he was my suitemate s boyfriend. I think I scared him more than he scared me, but it caused all those anxieties to bubble up again.

I m so sorry.

Abi wrapped both hands around her mug. Remember how we moved here when the twins were one?

Yeah, I said with a smile at the memory of the two beautiful babies. Dylan had been almost three, and I d been ready to try for another baby myself.

Little did I know that would never happen.

We moved here because someone broke into our house one day while I was at Target with the twins. I walked right in on him because I was so sleep-deprived I didn t notice. We just stared at each other, and my life flashed before my eyes. Thank God he chose to run. That is the most scared I have ever been in my life. That s why we moved here so I could be only ten minutes away from Zeke s work. Then I installed the security system and added a few extra bells and whistles.

I don t understand what that has to do with the interview, I said.

Vivian. I almost never leave this house.

I thought about it, but I couldn t even remember seeing Abi return from a grocery trip. At first Zeke had done all the shopping, but these days, Abi used a delivery service.

Except for Wednesday nights, I said. And karaoke.

Yes, because I can still watch the driveway. And Fridays when I go watch the boys at the football game, but even then I check all our security feeds while I m gone. I checked the feeds while we were at karaoke, too, even though Zeke was home. The logical part of me knows it doesn t make a difference whether I m here or not, but that other part, the irrational part, worries the whole time I m gone because I just know that bad things only happen when I m away. If I never leave, then I don t have to walk in on an intruder ever again.

If I d known, I never would ve asked you to come to the station with me today. I m so sorry.

I swallowed hard. Did this mean Abi wouldn t be able to come along on the makeover trip? The thought had never crossed my mind that she might say no. I hadn t even worried about how my intent to ask her and Rachel had been derailed by the Lice Incident.

Finally, she answered. No, I wanted to meet Alavita Hodges, and I told myself I could do it. I even believed it for half the time that we were gone.

I reached across the table to squeeze Abi s hand. I still would ve never done anything to make you so uncomfortable.

Maybe it s time for me to get my Therapy Badge like Rachel keeps saying.

Jealousy twisted inside me. Rachel had known all about Abi s fears, but I hadn t?

Vivian, get a grip. That s not important.

I forced myself to smile. Julie Andrews says we all need therapy.

Well, who am I to argue with Dame Julie Andrews? Abi asked as she took a sip of tea.

Mom also said that everyone needed a therapist, but Dame Julie Andrews wasn t as likely to tell me, I told you so. I couldn t handle a therapist right now. Getting a lawyer had been bad enough.

Maybe someone should start a package deal for therapists and divorce lawyers, half off each if you purchase your services together. It would be a huge hit.

Abi was saying, All I know is that I can t keep living like this. No, I don t want to.

If you want me to go to therapy with you, ask anytime.

I just might take you up on that offer.

We sipped our tea quietly.

But how do you do your private investigating?

Abi shrugged. Most of what I do is online these days. On the rare occasion I have to do a stakeout like I did for you, I make sure it s when Zeke will be home. I know someone could break in on him, too, but I just feel better.

Zeke was over six feet four, so I understood that. I also knew he was a teddy bear of a man, but the average burglar would not.

But how was I supposed to ask Abi to come with me to New York for an entire weekend now that I knew a morning trip could upset her this much?

Because you re being selfish, that s why.

Self, cut me some slack. I ve been busy. And sad. But mainly busy.

What s got you so wound up? Abi asked.

Nothing.

Don t lie to me, Vivian.

So I explained to her all about the makeover, even bringing up the email and showing her the line of cosmetics and hair products, all the clothes and shoes we d be able to choose from.

Are those Jimmy Choos?

I squinted at the tiny pixilated picture on my phone. Maybe?

And you want me to come with you?

Of course! The email said two people, and I immediately thought of you and Rachel.

Oh, Vivian, I don t know.

I forced my lips to stay in a smile in spite of my disappointment. I guess I could take Mom . . .

No. Nope. It s a sign, a sign that I need to work through these fears. I m going to do it, Abi said. She took a deep breath and rolled her shoulders back. It s just the weekend, right?

Right.

Zeke will be here. The boys will be here. Even ol Barney.

At the sound of his name, Barney beat his tail against the kitchen floor. He wasn t much of a match for any kind of intruder, unless said intruder was afraid of being licked half to death.

But I kept that opinion to myself.

I ll make them promise not to leave the house, that s it, she said more to herself than to me.

Abi, I had no idea you felt this way about trips. I don t want you to go if it s going to make you uncomfortable.

Her eyes met mine. She was willing herself to go on this trip. I m going.

I m so glad, I said, and thank you for coming with me this morning.

Really, Vivian, you didn t know. I guess I should ve told you.

No, no, I said. I mean, I m glad you did. I was sure enough glad to have you sitting beside me when she pulled out that video of Mitch.

She shouldn t have done that. Abi paused to take a sip of tea. I just wish I hadn t been such a mumbling fool.

You weren t a mumbling fool.

Abi arched an eyebrow.

You were just . . . shy.

She snorted at that.

You sure you re okay with the makeover trip?

Woman, I m not missing my chance to get a pair of designer shoes.

Good. I don t think it would be anywhere near as fun without you.