Not Yet Yours

Chapter 5

Chapter Five

Harriet

Harriet

A s I hang my apron up for the last time, I smile to myself. I can’t believe I am actually doing this. For as long as I can remember, I have enjoyed sculpting and people have always told me that my creations were good, that I should sell them, and that kind of thing, but I never really had the confidence for anything like that. But two years ago, I finally decided to try and really do something with my sculpting, so I entered a local competition and I won.

I was approached there by several people who liked my work and wanted pieces themselves and I took my first orders for commissioned pieces. The buyers all seemed happy with their pieces and my confidence started to grow to the point where I began selling my stuff on Etsy and then finally, I set myself up with a website where I could take orders for commissioned pieces and sell other pieces I have already made. I also make pieces throughout the year and go to craft fairs in the run-up to Christmas where I usually do pretty well sales-wise.

It occurred to me a couple of weeks ago that I could really make a go of this. It had reached the point where I was having to turn down orders from people who wanted custom pieces made because I didn’t have the time to do them because I was working full-time at the coffee shop. At first, I didn’t mind. I still thought of sculpting as my hobby, even if it was a well-paying hobby, but in the last few months, something in my mindset changed. I realized that I was losing money by coming to work. I was going to do something I disliked for ungrateful people instead of doing something I loved for people who appreciated me and my skills, and I was getting paid a lot less money to do it.

That was when I knew something had to change and I worked out my finances and what I needed to earn to make this idea of sculpting full-time plausible. I have some savings and my math showed me that I can make a go of this. I have enough money to get by for a year without making any extra income if I live frugally and I have decided to give this sculpting thing a real shot. I feel like I owe it to myself to at least try and make it work. And if I can’t make it work within eleven months, that will give me a month to find another job and I can either quit sculpting altogether or go back to doing it as a hobby on the side.

Although it’s good to know that I do have a sensible plan in place for if this goes wrong, I still know deep down inside of myself that I have to make this work though. I know this is my last shot at doing something I love for a living, and I can’t imagine wanting to go back to being someone else’s staff member after I get used to working for myself. I will make this work. I have decided I have to, and failure is not an option.

Feeling ready to take on the world, I say my final goodbyes to the girls on shift and I step out of the coffee shop and breathe in the fresh air. I feel like spinning in circles with my arms out, laughing. Maybe I will burst into song and everyone walking past will sing and dance with me like in a musical. Ok. I’m not going to do that. I do want to though.

Instead, I pull out my cell phone and call Max who has been back from her honeymoon for a few days now after three weeks in Rio De Janeiro.

“Hello,” Max says.

“Hi,” I replied. “Are you busy?”

“Well, I mean I’m at work, so technically I should say yes, but I can talk if that’s what you mean,” Max says.

“Ah no. It’s ok. I was going to ask you if you wanted to meet for a drink to celebrate my new freedom,” I say.

“Oh God of course. It was your last day at work today, wasn’t it? Sorry, I forgot all about it. My head is all over the place trying to catch up with everything here,” Max says.

“It’s ok. We can catch up later,” I say.

“No chance,” Max says. “This is too important for that. I do have some stuff I need to get done tonight though, so how about we meet now and have an early dinner and a non-alcoholic drink or two and then we’ll sort something out later for a proper celebratory session?”

“That works for me if you’re sure,” I say.

“Of course I’m sure,” Max says. “Meet me at Vincent’s in half an hour.”

“See you then,” I say.

Vincent’s is our go-to place for occasions like this where we want to grab a quick dinner or a drink or two after work. It’s a nice place with an easy-going vibe and the food is good. And most importantly, it is halfway between the coffee shop and Max’s office. I guess now though we’re going to need to find a new venue for easy meetups if I’m going to be working from home. Or maybe not because I will be my own boss and I can leave early and drive out to Vincent’s whenever I want to.

I get to my car, get in, and drive to Vincent’s. By the time I get there and park, I have about ten minutes to spare before the time I’m meant to be meeting Max. I walk around to the front of the building and go inside. It’s still fairly quiet and I have a good choice of tables. I choose one in the window and go and sit down. I don’t have long to wait before a waitress appears at the table and asks if I’m ready to order. I order two Diet Cokes and ask for two menus. By the time the drinks and menus arrive, Max has arrived too.

“Thanks,” she says, picking up her glass and having a quick drink of it. “What is it?”

“Just Diet Coke,” I say. “You did say you were going back to work, so I didn’t dare get you anything stronger. Like you said we can arrange a night out another time.”

“I can’t believe that the last time I saw you, you were a barista and now you’re a business owner,” Max says with a beaming grin. “I’m so happy for you.”

“Thanks,” I say. “I’m happy for me too. Nervous as all hell but happy.”

“You have nothing to be nervous about. Your stuff is amazing,” Max says.

We look over the menu and I choose a burger and curly fries and Max chooses a chicken and bacon wrap with sweet potato fries.

“So, come on then, tell me more about the business,” Max says when the waitress has taken our order and left us to it.

“There’s really not that much to tell that you don’t already know,” I say. “All that’s really going to change is that I won’t have to turn down so many custom requests because I will have more time and I might do an extra craft fair or two if I have enough pieces. The main change is going to be not having to go to the coffee shop and get yelled at by middle-aged women who should know better.”

“To be honest, that’s reason enough to get the hell out of there. The fact you’re going to be a famous sculptor is just a bonus,” Max says.

“I highly doubt that” I say, although I can’t help but smile at the idea of it. “But honestly, as long as I make enough money to live happily with my bills paid, food on the table, and a bit extra for socializing, I’ll be happy.”

Max raises her glass of Diet Coke.

“To being happy,” she says. “And to leaving that shit hole coffee shop and living the dream.”

“Cheers,” I say, clinking my glass against hers.

We both take a drink and I put my glass back down.

“Anyway, enough about me. Tell me all about your honeymoon,” I say. “You’ve got a lovely tan.”

“I don’t know how. We barely left the bedroom if you get my drift,” Max says with a laugh. I laugh too and then Max shakes her head. “Seriously, it was amazing. Beautiful beaches, gorgeous shops and restaurants, and so much to see and do. We went snorkeling and out on boat trips and we even paraglided.”

“It sounds perfect,” I say.

“Oh, it was,” Max says. “I’d go back in a heartbeat. Do you want to see some pictures? And you can say no if you don’t want to, and I won’t be offended. I don’t want to be one of those people who bores everyone with their vacation pictures.”

“No, don’t be silly. I’d love to see them,” I say, and I mean it.

Max gets her cell phone out and taps on the screen a few times. She holds the cell phone out to me.

“There you go. Just keep scrolling right,” she says.

I do as she says and even when our meals come, I keep scrolling with one hand as I eat with the other hand.

“I need to go there. Or let’s face it, anywhere,” I say when I’ve finished looking at the pictures.

“How about we plan a girl’s trip for this time next year to celebrate your business’s one-year anniversary?” Max says.

“I don’t know,” I say. “What if it doesn’t work out?”

“It will, but if it doesn’t then we’ll go just because why the fuck not,” Max laughs.

“I think Rio might be a bit out of my league for now,” I admit.

“Ok then when you’re rich and famous and because I believe in you and you don’t, the trip is on you,” Max says.

“Ok deal,” I agree.

Hell, I could agree to a trip to the moon under those conditions. I’m not going to get rich and certainly not famous from this.

“Maybe this time next year we could go away as a foursome,” Max says.

“Oh, that sounds fun,” I reply. “You and Cullen and me and my imaginary boyfriend.”

“I mean sure, you could bring the imaginary boyfriend if that’s what you really want, but I have to be honest. I was thinking more of me and Cullen and you and Liam,” Max says with a wicked-looking smile.

“I guess you heard that we might have had a bit of fun at your wedding,” I say, shaking my head but laughing all the same.

“I certainly did,” Max says. “I’ve been trying to think of a way to bring it up since I sat down.” We both laugh at that and then she goes on. “So, a little birdie tells me you two were kissing and then you left the party together.”

“Your little birdie would be correct,” I agree.

I’m dying to tell her the rest but it’s kind of fun playing along like this and making her work for it. She knows I will spill the beans eventually.

“And?” Max says with a raised eyebrow.

“And it was a nice kiss. I enjoyed it,” I say.

I try not to laugh at Max’s frustrated expression, but I can’t help it.

“Ok, ok,” I say. “I’ll tell you.”

Before I do, I poke the last one of my curly fries into my mouth and push my plate to one side. I make a show of slowly wiping my mouth on my napkin and then taking a drink of my Diet Coke. Max watches me, shaking her head, but smiling.

“We fucked,” I say, shrugging one shoulder.

That’s really all there is to say. I don’t think she needs to know that it was by far the best sex I have ever had. Or that I came so hard I was momentarily blind.

“And?” Max says again.

“And we fucked again the next morning,” I say.

“It must have been good then if you went back for round two,” Max points out.

“It was,” I say. “Liam knows his way around a woman’s body. And that’s all the details you’re getting.”

“You got way more than that out of me when Cullen and I first started seeing each other,” Max points out.

“Yeah, but that wasn’t weird because I didn’t know Cullen. It’s weird telling you sex stuff about Liam now that you’re his sister-in-law,” I point out.

“Ok, I’ll admit that it’s weird to talk to me about the sex. But we can talk about the rest, right?” she says. She doesn’t wait for an answer before she goes on and explains what she means by the rest which is good because I had no idea what she meant. “How many times have you seen each other since? Are you officially dating him?”

“None and no,” I say. “It was just a hookup and the next morning we both agreed that’s all it was.”

“And then you had sex again,” Max points out.

“Ahh, but that was Cullen’s fault,” I say which makes Max raise her eyebrows comically high and I laugh. “See Liam told me that Cullen had paid for a late check out for all of the wedding party…”

Max laughs and I stop and look at her, unsure what I have said that’s so funny.

“Oh wait. You really don’t know, do you?” Max says.

“I don’t know if I don’t know because I don’t know what you’re laughing at but I’m guessing I don’t know,” I say and I shake my head.

“You’re right. You don’t know,” Max says, and we both laugh.

“So, tell me then,” I say, frustrated now that the shoe is on the other foot and Max is dragging out telling me the details I want to know.

“Liam was joking with you. About Cullen paying for a late checkout. Cullen didn’t pay for the hotel at all. It’s one of Liam’s hotels and he kindly let us use it for the wedding reception and to house our guests,” Max explains.

“I… oh. Right. I had no idea,” I say. “I can’t understand why Liam wouldn’t have just said that he owned the hotel.”

“I don’t know. Maybe he felt like it would be bragging or something. Or maybe he thought telling you he owned the hotel in the same sentence as trying to get you to have sex with him was a bit tacky,” Max says.

“Yes, I guess it would have been. Especially when we said it would be rude to waste that. He probably was worried I wouldn’t feel able to say no if I knew the truth,” I say. “Yeah, so anyway, we decided it was rude to not have sex again with us having the room for a bit longer.”

“Right,” Max says laughing. “And of course, you couldn’t have just had a nice long bath or something to make sure the room was used for the allotted time.”

“I mean we could have, but I can do both of those things at home on my own,” I say.

We both laugh again, and Max looks at me for a moment as she chews the last bit of her dinner.

“Seriously though Harriet. I think you and Liam would make an awesome couple. I mean you can’t tell me you think he’s not good-looking. And he’s funny and charming and I reckon he probably knows how to treat a woman,” Max says.

“Hmm, it sounds like Cullen has some competition there, Max. It sounds like you want to date Liam,” I laugh.

“No, trust me, one man is more than enough for me,” Max says. “But there’s really no chance you would give Liam a shot?”

“I agree with everything you’ve said about him, and if I was looking for a relationship, sure, I could see myself with Liam. But I’m not wanting to get into anything at the minute. I’m happy being single right now, especially with just starting the business. I’m just not going to have the time for being in a relationship right now,” I explain.

“That makes sense I suppose,” Max admits. “I guess I’m just being selfish because I kind of like the idea of the four of us hanging out as couples you know.”

“So, what you’re saying is I need to get a boyfriend because all of your current couple friends are boring,” I say.

“Yes. Exactly that,” Max agrees. She manages to remain totally straight-faced for a moment until we both burst into laughter.

Over the next half hour or so, we ate dessert – banoffee pie for me and a chocolate brownie for Max – and we chatted more about Max’s honeymoon and then just everyday stuff until Max looked at her watch and groaned.

“I really do have to get back to work, sorry,” she says. “I wish I didn’t have to, but I do have lots to catch up on since I was gone three weeks.”

“You do realize you’re married to the boss right,” I say with a grin.

“Yes,” Max says. “But that’s worse. If I wasn’t married to the boss, I probably would have just said I can’t stay late tonight, left on time, and let that be the end of it. But because of me being with Cullen, I feel like I can’t do that, like I have to always be proving that I don’t get any special treatment. Is that stupid?”

“Yes, but I get it. I think I would probably feel the same way in your situation to be honest,” I say.

“So, you’re not mad that I have to go?” Max says.

“Of course not,” I say. “You did tell me before we even came here. Now go on, scoot. I’ll get the check.”

“Wait, I’ll leave you half of the money,” Max says, reaching for her purse and I shake my head.

“It’s my treat. Now go or I will be mad,” I laugh.

“Fine, but don’t think I won’t remember I owe you one the next time we’re out,” Max says.

She stands up and puts her jacket on and then she kisses me on the cheek and heads toward the door. I signal to our waitress to bring the bill. I don’t have to wait long for it, and I leave the cash for the meal plus a decent tip and then I head out. I get into my car and drive home. I put my pajamas on, curl up on the couch, and pick the remote control up. I flick through the channels until I find something I can watch until nine when the movie I want to watch is starting.

I stare at the screen, but I’m not really paying attention to the show that’s on. I’m thinking about Liam. About how he made me come harder than I thought was possible, about how he made my body sing in a way I didn’t even know it could. It’s not just that I think about though. I can’t help but think about Max’s words too, about how she thinks that Liam would be a good boyfriend. There’s no doubt he’s a very eligible bachelor and he would be a good catch. Like Max said, he’s good-looking, funny, and kind and I definitely think he and I would have fun together.

I imagine for a minute he’s here beside me now, snuggled up watching the TV with me. I can almost hear his voice in my head as he mocks the stupid decisions the characters on the TV are making and I think about how we would giggle together over it. Then maybe we would open a bottle of wine and settle down to watch the movie. I don’t think we would see the end though. I think we would opt for an early night together instead.

Ok, this isn’t good. I can’t let myself go down that road, not even in my thoughts. Not even in my wildest fantasies, because I am afraid that if I think about it too much, I will start to want it. Ok, honestly, I’m already starting to want it. I’m afraid that I will want it to the point where it will drive me insane.

I just need to remind myself that I’m perfectly happy being single. I actually enjoy my own company and I like the freedom that not having to negotiate everything brings. I can watch what I want to watch on the TV. I can eat what I want to eat at whatever time I’m hungry. I can do what I want to do on a weekend without having to consider what anyone else wants to do.

It doesn’t matter that sometimes, there is a small part of me that wants more than that. That wants someone to be here, to be my partner. Someone to look after me and be there for me, and someone I can be there for too. But that’s not in my future. I know this and I have made my peace with it. I haven’t doubted my decision in so long and the moment of doubt threw me, that’s all.

I will just have to make sure I don’t think about Liam and that night we had together. And I will have to make sure I don’t run into him at any events, at least not for a while, until I’m able to put this ridiculous fantasy to bed.

My decision made, I forced myself to focus on the TV and I don’t let myself think about Liam at all. Especially not how good it felt when he pushed inside of me and filled me up in a way I have never been filled before.