Not Yet Yours

Chapter 18

Chapter Eighteen

Harriet

I t’s been a couple of days since Liam gave me the most amazing gift anyone has ever given me – a year’s access to a studio that I could only have dreamed of without him. I am still in shock whenever I think about it, but despite that, I have moved my work things in there and the bedroom I was using to work from at home is back to being a bedroom again.

I have a great setup now with everything I need to make my business work and I am feeling happy and positive about it. I have made a few sales through my website and perhaps more importantly, I have secured three pretty lucrative orders for bespoke pieces. The only thing that could make me happier than I’m now in relation to my business and its setup is if I had a desktop computer or another laptop so that I could have one at the studio and one at home although I know that until I’ve made enough money to justify spending the business’s money on such a thing, having to carry a laptop to and from the studio each day isn’t exactly a huge inconvenience. It’s a small price to pay to have my dream space available for me to work in whenever I want to.

With all the good things that are happening to me at the moment, really, I should have no problem sleeping, yet here I am, wide awake and tossing and turning at four o’clock in the morning. It’s not work-related issues that are keeping me awake though. It’s Liam-related issues.

I can’t keep lying to myself and telling myself that I don’t feel anything for him, that I just want to be friends with him and have red hot sex with him. Of course, I don’t want the red-hot sex to end, but I want more than a friendship with Liam, and the worst part about it all is that I’m almost certain he feels the same way about me too. This, us falling for each other, was the main thing I was afraid of happening when I agreed to be fuck buddies with Liam and now my worst nightmare is coming true, and I don’t know what to do to even slow it down, let alone stop it.

Is it best to just keep pretending like I feel nothing for Liam and keep the arrangement going? That’s probably the easiest option, but is it the right option or will it end up with us both getting hurt?

The sensible option, the one I know I should be brave enough to go with, is to speak to Liam and explain that whatever is happening between us needs to end. I need to end things with him and put some space between us. But how can I do that now? Liam has given me the one thing I wanted the most in the world. I can’t thank him for that by throwing him aside. And it’s not just the studio. How can I walk away from Liam when the thought of not seeing him again, not being with him again, brings me to my knees? Just the idea of him moving on with someone else makes me feel sick to my stomach and I can’t stand the thought of him not being a part of my life anymore.

Maybe I should take option three. The scariest one. Maybe I should let him in and just be with him. Of course, then he’ll see who I really am, and he won’t want me anymore, but that might be a good way to end things between us without me throwing everything back in Liam’s face. But I will still lose him. and I just can’t lose him. Not yet. I know in time I will have to let him go, but not yet. I need to have him in my life for just a little bit longer.

But if I let myself be selfish and keep Liam in my life for a bit longer, I risk ruining his life. And that’s what it always comes back to. Being alone is what I deserve because of who I am. Knowing this is nothing new, but this is the first time it’s ever bothered me to have to keep people at arm’s length.

I know that thinking this way will bring another movie to my mind. It won’t be the first time this week it’s happened, but it’s like as soon as I get into bed and switch off the light, these thoughts take over. And I have tried not going to bed, just trying to fall asleep on the couch watching the TV but it doesn’t change anything. It’s as soon as I try to switch my thoughts off and relax, the thoughts are there and it’s not a choice of whether or not the movie in my mind will play, it’s more of a game of how long I can keep it at bay before it happens.

I can feel it closing in on me now. I haven’t done badly tonight. It’s now four twenty-seven and this is the first time I let the memories in. I accept that the movie is about to play. I really should start to bring popcorn to bed with me.

Harriet perched on the edge of the seat on the couch. Her knees were pressed together, her wrists resting on them with her hands pressed together too. She was looking down at the ground, unable to look up at her father as he paced up and down the living room in front of her.

It was clear that Thomas was drunk. Harriet could smell the boozy smell drifting off him as he talked, and his voice sounded slurred. Every now and again, he would lose his footing and totter for a moment before righting himself. Harriet knew that he was at his most dangerous when he was this level of drunk; too drunk to have any level of self-control, but too sober to just pass out.

“Look at you, sitting there, like the lady of the fucking manor. I don’t know who the hell you think you are but let me tell you something, Missy. You’re nothing. Less than nothing. You are lower than the lowest of the low, worse than the worst of the worst, more toxic than…” Thomas trailed off at that point as though he had lost his train of thought, but Harriet knew what came next and she kept her head down, not wanting to risk making eye contact with her father and making things worse.

“You’re poison. That’s what you are,” Thomas slurred, stopping pacing in front of Harriet, and jabbing his finger toward her as he spoke. “Fucking poison. Everything good that you touch just withers away and dies. Every person you touch, you hurt. Why do you think your mom and I split up huh? We were in love until you came along. And then you fucking poisoned us, poisoned our relationship.”

Harriet bit her tongue because if she said what she was thinking, it would only make this worse for her. Her mom had divorced her dad because he used to beat her up. It wasn’t because of her. Was it?

“I know what you’re thinking you insolent little shit,” Thomas went on, the pacing starting up again. “You’re thinking your mom and I split up because she got sick of me, or because she fell out of love with me, or whatever other nonsense she’s been filling your head with. But let me tell you something. That might have been the reason, but what caused it? You fucking did. You caused her to fall out of love with me because your presence is poison. You ruin lives just by fucking breathing.”

Harriet could feel the ball in her throat, the one she had to swallow around to keep herself from crying. It only made it worse if she cried. Then she would get a lecture about how dare she cry when she was the one who had spoiled everything, who ruined his life.

“I’m sorry,” Harriet said quietly.

“You’re sorry? Oh well, that’s ok then, isn’t it? Fucking hell Harriet. You think sorry brings my wife back? You think sorry gets me my job back? You think sorry undoes the pain you’ve caused in the last fourteen years since you were born?” Thomas demanded. “Well let me make this easy for you. It doesn’t. And now as a parent, it is my responsibility to make sure you don’t get to hurt anyone else.”

Harriet tried to curl in on herself and make herself a smaller target for her father, sure he was about to beat her senseless. She waited for the first of the blows, but none came.

“I don’t really suppose there’s a lot I can do to stop you from ruining anyone else’s life, but I will try. I will say this much. You should be alone. Don’t go looking for a man to marry or start a family with. If you do, that will be another life ruined, and no man deserves that. No man deserves to be filled with your poison,” Thomas said.

“Ok,” Harriet whispered. “Ok. I won’t get married. I won’t ruin another life.”

“Good. It’s too late for me, but at least the pain ends here,” Thomas said.

He walked out of the room and Harriet heard his footsteps go upstairs to his bedroom. The door opened and then closed and within minutes she could hear his loud, wet snores. She finally allowed the tears to come when she knew he was safely passed out for the night.

Harriet tried to remind herself of everything her mom told her, how none of what happened was her fault, but it was hard because her father was louder and more insistent, and he made sure Harriet never ever forgot his opinion of her whereas her mom only really talked about it the odd time she was so upset she brought it up herself.

Plus, Harriet had learned from earlier experiences that when her father got drunk, he was much more likely to speak his truths. And it was also when he got drunk that he would berate her and make her see she was slowly poisoning everyone around her.

I blink the memory away and I’m looking at my current bedroom again instead of my father’s old living room, but the tears are still flowing, and I’m shaking like a leaf. Am I currently ruining Liam’s life? I’ll be honest. It really doesn’t seem that way to me. Liam doesn’t seem unhappy when he’s with me and he often is the one to text me first so it’s not like he hates talking to me. But no, my dad was right. If I could split up the marriage of my parents, then I am definitely poison.

And it’s not like I didn’t test the theory. I believed my father even back then, and I had agreed that I wouldn’t get a boyfriend or get married or have kids or any of that stuff, I was fourteen years old at the time and I made promises pretty lightly. When I was sixteen, I met Jake, and he asked me to go to the school dance with him. I almost said no because of what I had promised my father, but I was a teenager who was ruled by her hormones and Jake was cute.

We went to the dance, and I thought that would be the end of us, but Jake asked to see me again and before I knew it, we were dating. I was so into him, and it seemed like he felt the same way about me. I started to think that my father was wrong about me being poison, but I knew I couldn’t tell him about Jake because then he would know I broke my promise to him. After Jake and I had been dating for around eight months, it was getting pretty serious between us. My mom had met him, and I wanted my father to meet him and see that he had gotten it wrong. I wasn’t cursed. I wasn’t broken. Jake was happy with me.

I really can’t bear the idea of reliving what came next, but I already know it’s going to happen, and I brace myself for it as the bedroom in front of me disappears once more and I see myself at sixteen waiting for my father to come in from work so that I could talk to him before he started drinking.

Harriet smiled as she put the piece of Salisbury steak on a plate with a big scoop full of mashed potatoes and a nice thick gravy. It was her father’s favorite meal, and she knew he was due at any moment. She put herself a plate out and carried both plates to the small dining table where she had set the table with the nice cutlery and even lit a candle. Her father came in as she was putting the plates down and he smiled at her.

“What’s all this for?” he asked.

He rubbed the top of Harriet’s head, something that annoyed her because it messed her hair up and thrilled her because it was the one bit of affection her father ever showed her, in equal measure.

“I wanted to talk to you about something,” she said quietly, and her father took his coat and shoes off and then he sat down in front of his plate. He waved his knife, gesturing for Harriet to speak as he began to eat. “I know we talked about me not thinking of getting a boyfriend and settling down and whatnot because of who I am. But I think I might have outgrown the poison Dad, I really do.”

Her father raised an eyebrow, but he didn’t look angry, and he gestured for her to go on.

“I’ve been seeing a boy. Jake. And nothing bad has happened. We’ve been dating for like eight months and he’s not unhappy, I swear it,” Harriet said.

Her father stayed quiet for a moment and then he slowly put his knife down and slammed his fist down on the table so hard that the plates rattled. Harriet startled almost coming out of her seat at the sudden booming sound.

“Goddamn it, Harriet,” he shouted. “I don’t ask much of you, do I? And the one damned thing I did ask for, and you can’t do it.”

“I… I’m sorry,” Harriet stuttered, once more feeling like she was about to burst into tears and once more fighting to hold them back. “I just thought that maybe it would be ok now.”

“It might be ok for so long,” Thomas said. “But trust me, it will turn back to being bad soon enough. Your mom and I didn’t officially end things until you were six years old, but you had been making us miserable for a long time in the lead-up to that. Maybe Jake is as good at hiding his feelings as we were back then.”

Harriet looked down at the table and when she spoke, her voice was barely above a whisper,

“Ok. I’m sorry. I’ll fix it,” she said.

“Good,” Thomas said. “Now eat your dinner before it gets cold.”

Harriet forced the rest of her dinner down past the lump in her throat because she didn’t want to anger her father further by letting him see how upset she was. She knew how that would go. He would accuse her of putting her own happiness before everyone else’s, of being a selfish little bitch like usual and she couldn’t bear to hear anything else about how bad she was. He had made his point. Of course, she was bad. She must be for breaking her word to her father and risking ruining Jake’s life.

As soon as dinner was finished and Harriet had washed the dishes, she asked to be excused and her father agreed. She went upstairs to her bedroom and toyed with her cell phone. She knew she had to end things with Jake, but it was the last thing she wanted to do. Her father was right about that too. She was selfish. Just because things were going well now didn’t mean they couldn’t turn around in a heartbeat and just because she was happy didn’t give her the right to risk ruining Jake’s life.

She sent Jake a text message asking him to meet her out the back of her father’s place in fifteen minutes and she spent that time getting her nerve up to do this. When it was time to go and meet Jake, she went downstairs and told her dad she was going to go and end things with Jake right now before she could do him any harm and her father agreed, telling her once more that it was for the best.

She went to Jake and when she saw him, she got butterflies in her tummy, just like she always did, and she wanted nothing more than to run into his arms and kiss him and ask him to take her away from this place, away from her father and his views on her, but she knew that was selfish and she couldn’t be selfish now, not with Jake. She loved him too much to risk him getting hurt.

She walked to Jake and when she reached him, he tried to kiss her, but she pulled back away from him, shaking her head.

“I’m sorry Jake. I can’t do this anymore,” she said. “We’re over.”

“What?” Jake demanded. “Harriet, what happened? Whatever it is, we can work it out.”

Harriet shook her head sadly.

“No, we can’t. Nothing happened. I just can’t be with you anymore,” she said. She knew he would keep arguing and she also knew she was letting him go so that he could have a happy life and she forced herself to say the words that broke her heart. “I don’t love you anymore, Jake.”

She turned around and walked away from Jake, ignoring the sound of him crying and the sound of him calling after her. She didn’t look back. She couldn’t because if she did, she knew she wasn’t strong enough to resist the pull and she would go back to him and she would never be strong enough to give him this chance at happiness again.

I wish that was the worst part. Father made me end things with my first love and showed me how painful love is. But it wasn’t the worst part. It felt like it at that moment, but honestly, it wasn’t even close to being the worst part. The worst part happened the next day and I don’t want to see it play out again but of course, I know I’m going to, and I steel myself as I stand back and watch teenage Harriet being woken up by her father knocking on her bedroom door the morning after she ended things with Jake.

“Come in,” Harriet croaked, her voice rough from sleep and from the sobbing she had done last night before finally managing to sleep.

Her father came in and sat down on the side of her bed.

“I have something to tell you, Harriet,” he said. She sat up, a sick feeling churning in her stomach at her father’s stoic appearance. “You were too late.”

“Too late for what?” she asked.

“Too late to save that poor boy from your curse. Jake died last night, Harriet. He threw himself off a bridge and onto a four-lane highway. He was dead before the paramedics even reached the scene,” Thomas said. “Maybe now you’ll listen to me and not let things get as far with anyone else as you allowed them to go with Jake.”

He stood up and left the room, leaving Harriet reeling, shock and grief flooding her system until she laid down flat on her face and screamed into her pillow over and over again until she had no voice left to scream with.

I came back to myself again. I wish I could either switch off my mind or just stay in it because coming out of it and remembering everything this way was pure torture. And even without the movie playing I can’t help but think about what came next.

I was the talk of the school. The poor girl whose boyfriend killed himself. I didn’t tell anyone I had ended things with him. I thought if I told them that, I would have to tell them why I had done it, and they would all know it was my fault Jake was dead, that my toxicity had infected him like it had infected my parents. I didn’t even tell Mom the truth to this day, Max doesn’t know about my first love. I am being selfish again, I know that, but I knew if I told Max the truth, she would freak out and she would leave me, and I would be all alone in the world. I am careful not to do anything that could ruin her life, but I can’t risk losing my best friend by letting her see the real me.