Not Yet Yours

Chapter 23

Chapter Twenty-Three

Harriet

I don’t know how this happened. I don’t know how I went from having a fun night away with Liam to losing everything. I don’t know how I kept it together in front of him either, but I couldn’t cope with the idea of him seeing me crying and knowing how much he means to me.

I walked up the path and let myself into my house without looking back once, although doing it killed me. I closed the door behind me and then I let my true feelings loose. I leaned back against the door and slowly slid down it until I was sitting on the ground, my knees pulled up to my chin and my arms wrapped around them, and I finally let myself cry my hurt out.

I must have been sitting here sobbing for a good twenty minutes now and I wish I could say that having a good cry has made me feel better, but it hasn’t. I don’t know why I’m so upset. It’s not like this should have come as a surprise to me. It’s ended exactly as I thought it would. In tears. At least they are only my tears, and I haven’t done anything to ruin Liam’s life.

But maybe this doesn’t have to be the end of things for us. Maybe there’s a way for us to get past this. But no. Realistically, that’s not going to happen. Even as I think it, I can hear my father’s voice in my head reminding me that I am poison and laughing that Liam has left the moment he got to know who I really am deep down inside.

For a moment, I let that simmer inside of me, making me feel worse than I already do, but as I nurse the words, clinging to them although they hurt me so much, I realize something. For the first time, I see that those words just aren’t true. Liam didn’t leave me because he saw the real me. He left me because I let him think I was fucking around. I fucked it up, yes, but not by being myself. By lying to make it seem like I had done something to hurt him instead of just telling him the truth.

And when that thought hits me, another one follows on its tail, one I hardly dare to listen to, but the voice inside of my head that is my own now instead of my father’s is insistent and I have to listen to what it has to say whether I want to or not. The voice whispers to me that Jake knew the real me. And he loved me. He didn’t kill himself because he was with me. He did it after I ended things with him. He did it because he couldn’t be with me anymore, the opposite of what my father claimed would happen.

Is it possible that I self-sabotage? Ruining things by ending them instead of letting the relationships develop. Is it possible that I am not the problem, but that my father is the problem? Or at least his perception of me and how I have allowed that to shape me. Is it possible that my parents got divorced because my mom finally saw my dad for the asshole he is, and because he couldn’t accept that it was his fault, he blamed me, the one person in life who was utterly defenseless and would have no real choice at the time but to take his shit?

I don’t know for sure if any of that is true, but it definitely feels like it could be. It actually makes more sense than me being toxic to those around me without me even knowing about it. Because despite everything, my mom has never abandoned me, although I have kept her at arm’s length since I grew up because I didn’t want to hurt her. And Max. Max has been a constant in my life since, well almost forever, and although I tell myself I keep her at arm’s length too, I really don’t. The only thing I haven’t confessed to her is why I don’t want a boyfriend. Everything else, she knows. She knows the real me and she hasn’t left. Her life hasn’t imploded. She is happy.

I push myself up off the floor and I go to the mirror at the bottom of the stairs, and I use the cuff of my top to wipe away the mascara that has smudged beneath my eyes. I can’t do much about the blotchy redness of the skin on my cheeks, but I feel better after wiping my eyes. I go to the living room, take a tissue from the box on the side table, and blow my nose. And then I stand up straight with my shoulders back and I force myself to say it out loud.

“I am not the problem. I never was the problem,” I say. “I am not toxic. I never was toxic. I don’t destroy the people around me who I love. I never did destroy them.”

It feels good to say it and it feels even better to know that there’s a part of me that believes it. But then I think of Liam and how my epiphany moment came too late for us. I have already lost him. Or have I? Is there a chance he would hear me out and take a chance on me? I really hope that there is still that chance and for once, I’m about to make my own destiny and go and find out instead of just assuming the worst and not putting myself out there.

I have no idea if what I’m doing is crazy or not, it probably is, but I’m doing it anyway. I get my purse and pick my keys up from where they fell on the floor beside me when I first came into the house. I leave the house and lock the door behind me. I go to my car and start it up and pull away.

I am really doing this. I think I’ve lost Liam, but I’m not going to accept that without a fight. For once, I am going to fight for what I want, fight for my happiness. And if it doesn’t work, at least I will know that I tried. That this didn’t break down because once again, I was a coward.

For the first time I let myself admit my truth. I love Liam. And I do want a relationship with him. With him and only him. A real relationship with actual commitment and mutual support and everything that comes with it. I am ready, and all I can do is hope that Liam is too, that I haven’t scared him off, and that he can forgive me and accept why I am more than a little bit broken.

I arrive at Liam’s apartment building, and I park my car in the parking lot. I get out and lock my car and I practically run to the door of the building because I feel like if I take a moment to stop moving, to start thinking, I will talk myself out of this and I don’t want that. Not anymore.

I press the bell for Liam’s apartment. There’s no reply but his car is in the parking lot, and I wait a few seconds and try again. Maybe he’s in the bathroom or something. The second time I ring the bell, I hold my finger down for a few seconds longer than I normally would, and this time, I get an answer.

“It’s me,” I say. “Can I come up?”

Liam doesn’t reply but I hear the door click open and I guess that’s a reply in itself. I open it and step inside and climb the stairs until I reach Liam’s apartment. I tap on the door, and he opens it, and my heart skips a beat at the sight of him. God, I can’t lose him. I have never felt this way about anyone before. Crazy or not, I was right to come here and fight for him.

I follow Liam to the living room. He sits down on one end of the sofa and nods at the other end. I sit down. Now that I’m here, I don’t know what to say and I just sit in silence looking down at my feet against the cream carpet. Liam lets me sit in silence for a few minutes before he speaks up.

“What are you doing here, Harriet?” he says.

He sounds dejected. I hate to hear that tone in his voice and know that I put it there. But I still don’t know where to start to explain everything to him and panic sets in.

“I… I don’t know,” I say. I jump to my feet. “I’m sorry. I should go.”

I head for the door of the living room, but Liam gets up too and he beats me to the door. He stands in front of the door, and I pull up short and force myself to look at him.

“Harriet, please,” he says, and the desperation seeps into his voice. “You obviously came here for a reason. Talk to me. Let me in.”

“I want to,” I say. “Really, I do. But I’m afraid I can’t give you everything you need. And even if I could, I guess I’m scared that once you know everything there is to know about why I am the way I am, you will leave me. I mean I have already managed to hurt you and we’re not even officially together.”

Liam sighs and rubs his hands over his face.

“Look I’m not going to lie. Knowing you slept with someone else hurts like fucking hell. But we had never discussed being exclusive so it’s not like you did anything wrong,” he says. “I would say I forgive you but technically there’s nothing to forgive. I just need to get over it.”

I’m shaking my head before he finishes.

“I didn’t sleep with anyone. The guy in the picture is an old school friend who I haven’t seen in years. Nothing happened,” I say.

“But then why would you let me think it did?” Liam asks with a frown.

“Because to say I hadn’t slept with him somehow, in my mind, meant I was admitting that I didn’t want to have sex with anyone but you, and that meant admitting that there was something between us that goes a whole lot deeper than sex. And it all felt too intense, and I got scared,” I say.

Liam takes my hand and leads me back to the couch and I let him. When we sit back down, he is a lot closer to me than he was before, and I can feel the heat off his thigh against mine. At least that means the thought of being near me doesn’t disgust him. At least not yet.

“You know the weird thing?” Liam says and I shake my head. “I’m not the jealous type. I know that sounds crazy after the way I went on about that picture, but I’m not. If we were together, I would trust you to be with me and only me. But because you won’t commit to being with me, it leaves me confused and thinking the worst, but I tell myself it doesn’t matter because I can’t stand the thought of losing you. I would rather have this half-life with you than not have you in my life at all.”

I take a moment to think about what Liam has said, and I want nothing more than to just tell him, ok then, let’s do it. We’ll be a real couple with real commitment, and we’ll be together and be normal. But I can’t. Not yet. I can’t let him think this will be easy because I know it won’t be.

“I want that Liam, but it’s not that simple,” I say. “I really don’t think I can give you what you need, what you deserve.”

“Harriet, listen to me,” he says. He takes my hands in his and looks me in the eye. “All I need is you. All I want from you is to be mine. And I know you want that too. I can see it in your eyes. Talk to me, Harriet. Tell me what is stopping you from taking that final step.”

I know I’m going to lose him if I don’t tell him everything. Maybe I will lose him either way, but again, this way, I will know that I did my best to explain things to him and open up and that I didn’t chicken out. I open my mouth to start talking, but instead, a great, shuddering sob comes out of me.

“Hey, come on, don’t cry,” Liam says. He lets go of my hands and wraps his arms around me. For a second, I try to pull away, but he keeps hold of me and slowly, I relax against him. I wrap my arms around him, and I cling to him, and I let it all out, all the years of thinking I am not good enough, of thinking I bring misery everywhere I go, of thinking I am toxic. I just let it all go.

I sob for what feels like forever with Liam stroking my hair and muttering that it’s ok, to let it all out. I cry and I cry, and I don’t even attempt to stop the flood of tears until I finally start to feel a little bit better.

I sniffle and I keep my face buried in Liam’s chest until I get myself under a modicum of control and then I gently pull back from Liam. This time, he lets me pull back. He cups my face in his hand and wipes away one of the last of my tears. He releases his hold on my face, and I take a deep breath, look down into my lap, and start to talk before I can change my mind about telling him everything.

“When I was little, barely more than a baby really although I must have been a little more than a toddler at least to have memories of those times, my parents used to have these fights. I didn’t know it at the time, but my father used to beat my mom. His reason was because I had come along and ruined their marriage and it had been my mom who wanted a baby, wanted me, not him. Eventually, they divorced, and I thought that would be the end of seeing my father, but it wasn’t. He blamed me for everything that had gone wrong in his marriage and more, everything that had gone wrong in his life pretty much. I think he only insisted on having the visitation with me that he was entitled to because he wanted to make sure that I was as miserable as I supposedly made him. I get that makes me sound a bit paranoid, but honestly, hear me out and then see if you still think I’m paranoid,” I say.

“I’m listening, Harriet,” Liam says. “I’m not judging. Hang on, that's a lie. I’m not judging you. I feel like I’m going to be judging your father very much.”

I smile at him, feeling slightly better to hear that much at least. I take a breath and I go on.

“One thing I will say about my father is that he was consistent, in that he never missed an opportunity to remind me that I had ruined his life, that I had ruined my mom’s life, that I had ruined their marriage. I heard it all a thousand times, but it still wasn’t enough, because he had to be sure that I knew that I was poison and everyone I got close to would wither up and die inside. His words affected every relationship I have ever had. I always made sure to keep everyone at arm’s length so they wouldn’t get too close and wouldn’t get to see the toxic core of me. Even Max doesn’t know any of this. She’s my best friend and I dare not tell her this in case she sees that my father was right about me, and I am poison, and she leaves me.

“I am slowly coming to see that my father was the poison in my parent’s marriage, not me. I wasn’t the one throwing hands or fucking someone else after all, but it is going to take time for me to really get my head around it all. And it doesn’t help that there was one time I decided to ignore my father and I started dating a boy I liked in high school. It was good. I liked him a lot and I think he felt the same way about me. We were good together. I started to think my father was wrong, and I slowly let him into my life and nothing bad happened.

“At first, I was just waiting for it to all fall apart, but then I began to think that maybe my father had been wrong, and I wasn’t poison to those around me after all. At that point in my life, I was still na?ve enough to think that if I provided evidence of me not turning everything I touched into shit, my father would relent and see that he was wrong.

“I got my courage up and I told my father about him in the end, and he convinced me I would ruin this boy’s life. I took my father’s words to heart as per usual and I ended things with Jake. He killed himself. Because of me. For a long time, I thought that meant my father must be right, but now I’m questioning everything, and I wonder if Jake did that because I ended things rather than because he saw the real me. I’ll never know for sure, But either way, he’s dead because of me.”

Finally, after talking for what feels like hours, I run out of steam, and I stop talking and I dare to look up at Liam. I’m expecting to see a look of horror, a look of disgust on his face. What I am not expecting is the look of love and compassion he is giving me.

“Oh Harriet,” he says, his voice breaking on my name. He reaches out and pulls me to him. “I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that, really, I am. But you have to know that none of it was your fault.”

“But…” I start, but Liam cuts me off before I can go any further.

“Your father is the poison in both of your lives. And as for Jake, what happened to him is tragic, but it’s not your fault Harriet. He made his own choice,” Liam says.

I pull back quickly as something occurs to me.

“You can’t tell anyone about Jake. No one knows what happened, that I broke up with him before he ended his life. I couldn’t risk them knowing that and leaving me. I’ve only dared to tell you this stuff because I know I’ve lost you anyway,” I say.

“I promise I won’t breathe a word of this to anyone. You can trust me, Harriet. And you haven’t lost me. Not even close to it,” Liam says and pulls me back into his embrace.

I let myself be held and I let myself admit that it feels good. But I can’t kid myself into thinking that everything will be ok now. I might be starting to doubt my father’s logic somewhat, but it’s going to be a long, hard path to undo the last twenty odd years of hearing that I’m poisonous from someone who is meant to love me unconditionally and believing it all these years. I tell Liam this with my face pressed against his chest.

“I understand that” he says. “And I will be here by your side for all of it, whether as your partner or your friend is up to you.”

“My partner,” I gasp out. “No more of this stupid friend with benefits shit. I want to be with you. I… I love you, Liam.”

“I love you too,” he says.

I pull back again, but this time, I only pull my head back and I lean up to find Liam’s mouth with mine. We kiss gently, a loving, tender kiss, but as it goes on, it becomes hot and passionate and deeper. I cling to Liam, and he clings to me as we kiss. He pulls back from my mouth long enough to raise a questioning eyebrow and I know exactly what he’s asking me, and I nod, it’s a resounding yes from me.

“I want it. I want you,” I gasp out.

His mouth covers mine again and our hands become a frenzy of movement as our clothes come off, then Liam is on top of me and his cock is inside of me and we are moving together, thrusting in time with each other, and the pain inside of me begins to heal, the pleasure I feel with Liam pushing it away.

We kiss and caress and grasp at each other as we make love, and when I come, I come hard, my whole body lighting up with pleasure and my muscles singing, leaving my body a hot, trembling mess as Liam comes with me, my name on his tongue as he spurts into me.

We come apart long enough to get comfortable and we stay wrapped up in each other’s arms, naked on Liam’s couch. It feels right, it feels good, and I am so glad I made the first move at knocking my walls down.

“Liam,” I say, after a moment.

“Hmm,” he replies.

“You know this isn’t going to be easy, right?” I ask. “Like just because I’m starting to see the truth, there will be moments where I doubt everything, and I really don’t know how to undo so many years of believing something. Are you sure you want to take a ride on this crazy train with me?”

“I’m sure,” Liam says, and he kisses my temple. “But I get what you’re saying. It’s a lot to unpack. I will be with you always and I will help in any way I can, but I think you might benefit from getting some therapy.”

I think for a minute, and I nod.

“I think you’re right,” I agree.