One Pucking Destiny (Crane Hockey #4)

Chapter 25

CHAPTER

TWENTY-FIVE

BASH

T wo shit performances in a row, and not just any ole competition—games five and six of the Stanley Cup finals. It’s frustrating because we should’ve won the Cup in game five.

The hour drive to Ari’s apartment is torture. I’ve taken this drive countless times to see my sister. Some good music, and it always flies by. This time, all I can do is replay all of my mistakes over the past two games in my head.

We lost the Stanley Cup last year in the final minutes of the last game. After Beckett was slammed into the boards, resulting in his knee injury—the team kind of lost it. Our emotions ran high, and we missed our chance. Some teams never get the opportunity to play in the final round of the Stanley Cup finals and most don’t get to the final round two years in a row. We coined this year as our redemption season, determined to get the victory we lost last season.

And we’re fucking it up. We have one more chance tomorrow in game seven. It means everything. At the very least, I need to do my part to get my head right so I can play my best.

I don’t like how things were left with Ari the last time I saw her. To say our interaction made me play like shit during game five and six is probably a stretch. I have no one to blame for my performance other than myself. Regardless, the flippant dismissal hurt. We may not have a title pinned to this thing we’re doing, but to pretend it’s nothing is far from fair.

I feel like I’ve been patient, loving, and supportive of her and the issues that she needs to work out. Yet she gives me no flexibility in return. I love her so much it hurts. Maybe I’m crazy, but I have to believe these feelings wouldn’t exist if the feeling wasn’t mutual. Deep within my soul, I think she loves me, too. She’s simply too scared to admit it.

I’m not the type of person who falls in love easily. In fact, I’ve never been in love—until Ari. She’s not a fleeting fascination, a good lay, or solely someone to pass the time with. She’s everything. She’s my future, and it’s literally killing me that she won’t see it .

I’ve tried so hard to give her the space she needs, but none of this distance is helping. She refuses to lower her guard an inch. At the last home game, she acted as if she barely knew me. As much as I love her, I need something more. She has to give me something. Anything. Or I’m going to lose my mind. Living in limbo is sucking the life out of me. I’m reminded of my mom and her frequent advice— You can’t change another person. They have to want to change themselves.

Ari is scared, and I understand that. I’ve given her months and everything I have to reassure her. In the end, it’s her choice. If she doesn’t choose me—I have to choose myself.

Tomorrow is the last game of the Stanley Cup finals. Every person on our team has worked their entire lives to make it to this moment, and we deserve it. We’ve fought blood, sweat, and tears to get here. It’s our game to win. My clouded mind and wounded heart will not be the reason we lose. I have less than twenty-four hours to clear my head and lock it on straight. Whatever the result, I will have an answer before the game tomorrow.

Having finally arrived, I make my way up to her apartment. Pausing with my fist an inch from her door, I inhale a fortifying breath and knock.

A few seconds later, Ari opens the door still dressed in her scrubs from work .

“Bash,” she says, confused, looking around me as if I brought company.

“Just me.”

“What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be getting ready for your game tomorrow?”

“Can I come in?” I rub the back of my neck.

“Um, sure.” She steps to the side, inviting me in.

She closes the apartment door behind her and turns to face me, her eyebrows squishing together as her gaze looks me over.

Just as she always does, her mere existence affects me. She’s so beautiful. I want to forget why I came here and get lost in her. This tiny closet of an apartment has become our secret happy place. Within these walls, I can love her in all the ways I want to. She can deny that she feels anything while accepting my advances. And we can exist in our mutual delusion.

After the week I’ve had, everything in me wants to put a stop to the reasons I came and kiss her full lips instead. That high would only be temporary, and the night of false feelings and unspoken issues would only hurt me tomorrow.

I swallow the lump in my throat. My foot shuffles against the cheap linoleum flooring, and I lock eyes with Ari. “I love you.” The declaration is forced into the air between us.

“Bash.” She sighs, looking toward the floor .

“No.” My tone firmer. “I love you, Ariana Cortez, and I know you love me, too. I can’t do this back-and-forth anymore. I can’t live in limbo like this. I want to be together and commit to loving one another out in the open.”

Unshed tears fill her eyes, and she blinks them away, her voice cracking. “I can’t.”

My hands clench into fists at my sides, and my head falls back as I expel a breath. I return my stare to Ari and shake my head. “No, I don’t accept that.”

Her eyes widen, and she takes a step back as her nostrils flare. “That’s not your choice. It’s mine. Ugh,” she groans. “I have been honest with you from the start.” She points a finger at me. “I told you I didn’t want a relationship. I told you I couldn’t do more. But you push and push and you push… and you don’t listen. I’m sorry that you’re hurt, but that’s not on me.”

I narrow my eyes. “Honesty? You want to talk about honesty? You haven’t been honest with yourself for a minute of our relationship.”

“We don’t have a relationship, Bash.” She throws her arms out to the side. “That’s what you’re not getting.”

“No.” I take a step toward her. “What you’re not getting is that we do. You’re just too terrified to admit it.” I move my hand back and forth between us. “We have an unreal connection, and you feel it. There’s no way you don’t. What we have doesn’t come around every day. It is a once-in-a-lifetime kind of love. We were meant to meet and be together.”

“I don’t buy this whole destiny thing, Bash. There’s no such thing. Your head lives up in the clouds, but I’m sorry, I live here on earth among the reality. In my world, it’s not time. I can’t be who you want me to be because I’m not there yet. I’m still fighting for the life I want.”

“I don’t want you to be anyone else. I love you exactly as you are. I’m not trying to change you. I want you to have everything your heart desires. Let’s fight for the life you want together.”

“That’s not part of the plan.” Her voice trembles. “I’ve told you from the start…”

I throw my hand up. “Maybe you didn’t want to find your partner until you had reached certain milestones, but you found me early. Life doesn’t always go to plan.”

“If you’re here, you’re not the one because I’m not ready!”

I first laid eyes on Ari nine months ago, and listening to her now makes it feel like we haven’t made any progress in all that time. It’s so hard to love someone the way I love her when she won’t be honest with herself. Angry heat flushes through my body. I swipe my palms against my pants .

Calm reason gives way to spite. “Your mother did a number on you.”

“What?” Ari shrieks. “My mother is the best in the world. She gave me everything!”

“She gave you her fear. She stunted your ability to grow. She made sure that your heart was so locked off to love that you can’t even see it when it’s standing right in front of you,” I seethe.

“That is not true,” she snaps. “She always told me that she wanted me to find love with a kind man. She’s never wanted me to live a loveless life.”

I shake my head. “Children don’t learn from words, Ari. They learn from actions. I love Elena, and I know she did her very best in raising you. But growing up, you saw a mother who had been deeply hurt by men. You saw her struggle, every day a battle, to create a life for you. You saw her push and push, never wavering until she got her degree. Did you ever see her love anyone but you? Did you see her take a chance on a connection with anyone but you? Tell me, how many guys did she date throughout the first twenty-one years of your life? Anyone?”

Ari blinks rapidly and steps away from me.

“You have this deep-seated belief in your bones that opening yourself up to love someone will only hurt you. You’ve built walls so high that no one will ever be able to get through. Believe me, I’ve tried. You were created to believe that there is only one way to achieve your dreams, through relentless work and great personal sacrifice. Do you think I want to steal your dreams from you? Do you think that I wouldn’t do everything in my power to support you and make sure you got everything you want in this life? Not everything is a fight, Ari. Maybe it was for your mom, but it doesn’t have to be for you. All I want to do is lift you up, love you, and support you. I see glimmers of your love when your guard is down and fragments sneak through your walls, but the second you realize, you throw them back up with more reinforcement.

“You keep saying that you need to accomplish your goals in this life before you think about loving someone else. Do you think life is a destination? It’s a journey, Ari. One that you’re condemning yourself to walk alone. As much as I love you, I can’t wait forever because it’s hurting me. I would burn the world down for you if you needed me to, but the one thing I can’t do is allow myself to be caught up in the flames.” My voice trembles with the last sentence, the hurt I’ve been suppressing this year coming to the surface.

Still—Ari is quiet. Her lips press together in a tight line, not giving anything away. As always, her feelings are locked up tight in her vault.

I swallow. “Tomorrow is a big game, and I don’t want to let my team down. I need you to really think about this, Ari, and let me know before the game. I promise to accept whatever you decide, but please be honest with yourself. I play the game tomorrow with you at my side or with a broken heart, but either way, I’ll know and can go into the game with a clear head.”

She dips her chin in a nod. Staring down at her hands, she fidgets with an invisible thread.

“I love you. I knew from our first night together that I’d never meet another person like you. I want to spend my life with you. I want to support and cherish you. I want to create a beautiful life, knowing it’s with the one person the universe made for me. I promise no one could ever love you as deeply as I do. And if you could be honest with yourself and admit that you feel the same way, we could have something incredibly special. I know that we’re young, and you’re still in school, but that just gives us longer to share this beautiful life together. You can’t always choose when you meet your person, but you have to hold on to them when you do. We get one fucking destiny, but you have to be strong enough to fight for it.”

I wait a moment, foolishly hoping she will jump into my arms, confess her love, and agree with everything I said. But that wouldn’t be Ari’s style. I give her a small wave. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

With an ache deep within my chest, I exit her apartment and walk away.