One Winter Weekend

Chapter 21

Chapter 21

O n Sunday morning Max and Naomi decided to attend the late morning Mass at St. Mark’s.

Max had attended a few Masses as a child and Naomi had attended more than her share throughout her childhood and teens, but there was something different about standing in a cathedral, listening to a carol sung in a foreign language. It gave a person chills, and yet at the same time it was beautiful. The voices of the choir echoed off the domed roofs and filtered back over the assembled worshippers in the pews.

After the Mass, they walked slowly through St. Mark’s Square, under a cloud of softly falling snow. There were fewer tourists out today, and fewer pigeons due to the weather. Max noticed a young couple of tourists also walking through the Square and pointed them out to Naomi. “Don’t they kind of remind you of us, before we got married and had Julia?”

Naomi looked at the pair and smiled. The girl was bundled up against the cold and clearly not enjoying it; she pulled her hood up over her red hair in a bid to stay warm. The boyfriend kept one arm protectively around her. “We were always glued at the hip,” she mused. “Whatever happened to us?”

“We got busy,” Max conceded. They stopped at a café for coffee and took a quiet table where they could watch the falling snow and talk. Naomi wrapped her hands around her coffee mug and studied the scene outside without speaking.

“Sometimes I think you don’t worry about Julia like I do,” she said suddenly, and almost immediately her cheeks reddened, as though she hadn’t meant to speak out loud and was embarrassed that she’d done so.

Max was a little startled, but he thought guiltily of how often he wished they could have more time apart from the baby. “It’s not that,” he began. “It’s just that I miss you—I miss us before we got so wrapped up in real life—and now you’re so wrapped up in being a mum, it feels like we don’t get much time together. And I don’t like that. I miss my wife.”

To his utter bewilderment, Naomi suddenly started to cry. Alarmed, Max patted her arm and fished in her bag for tissues, unsure of how to react.

She dabbed at her eyes, trying to wipe away the tears without disturbing her makeup. “I just get so worried about her! I’m afraid to be a bad mother. I’m constantly thinking, what if something happens, and I’m not there? What if she needs me, and I’m busy doing something else? It feels so—so selfish to have fun!”

Max blinked, still unsure of how to respond to this sudden outburst. “But I am having fun, and now I feel terrible for it!” she continued, sniffling. “I’m enjoying spending time together, just the two of us. I enjoy going out for dinner and sleeping without listening for a baby monitor. I like getting dressed up and going out, instead of packing a nappy bag. This whole weekend, it’s been—“She flailed her arms a bit as she tried to find the words. “It’s been brilliant, and I don’t want it to end. But I feel like a bad mum because I’m not checking in on my daughter every few hours.”

“I don’t think that makes you a bad mum,” Max said cautiously. He still wasn’t sure if this was his cue to say something, or if he should let her keep talking. She didn’t respond though, only sniffled, so he kept going. “I think you’re an amazing mum to Julia. And I love you for it. I wouldn’t want you any other way. But you need to take care of yourself, too. And I don’t want us to be so wrapped up in being parents that we forget about each other. That was the whole point of this trip—for us to reconnect.” He grabbed her hands in his own and gave her a pleading look. “Please don’t feel bad for that. I don’t want you to feel bad, I want you to be happy.”

Naomi sniffled and nodded. “I am happy,” she admitted. “This whole trip has been so lovely. I just…I’m torn. I feel guilty for not missing Julia more, and I feel guilty for being away from her, and I feel guilty for ignoring you…”

“You can be all those things. It’s normal, I promise. I feel them too.”

“Really?” Naomi looked doubtful, but Max nodded. “I miss her, and then I feel bad for not missing her enough. And I feel bad because I don’t think about how you’re feeling sometimes.”

Naomi wiped her eyes and drained her mug of cappuccino nearly in one swallow. She set her mug down with a sigh. “Today I woke up glad that I’ll see my daughter tomorrow, and then I felt sad that it’s our last day in Venice.”

“Then we should enjoy it,” Max said firmly. “Tuck the phone away in your bag. You know your mum is perfectly capable of handling anything that comes up.”

“I know but…”

“So let’s get going. We can tour the city, eat as much Italian food as we can, and go home tomorrow happy and contented. How does that sound for a plan? C’mon. We might only get this one chance to explore the city. Let’s make the most of it.”

Naomi seemed to finally make up her mind. “OK,” she said, tucking the phone in her bag. She gave Max an apologetic look. “Just don’t get upset if I check it now and then throughout the day.”

“Promise,” he said, grabbing her hand. “C’mon. I know you have a notebook full of destinations and notes tucked away in your bag; tell me where we’re going today.”