Only With You (Knights #2)

13

JULIANNA

Me: Everything’s looking good. Grade is at a 90.

That’s nothing but a big, fat lie. My grade is, in fact, not sitting at a ninety, but a fifty-nine.

I shouldn’t have lied, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell him that I was failing again. I wouldn’t have done that, but he randomly texted me tonight and I panicked. He usually waits for Sundays to text or call me, not Friday night while I’m looking at how miserably I’m failing.

But he had to let me know he wouldn’t be able to reach out. I’d be touched to know he wanted to see how I’m doing, but really, he just needed to know that my grades are where they’re supposed to be.

The only plus side is that he didn’t call me because if he had, I would’ve crumbled.

Dad: You could do better.

Me: I’ll do better.

My stomach knots and a killer headache thrashes hard all over my skull. The panic I felt earlier is nothing in comparison to what I feel now.

Knowing that I’ll have to face not just Dad’s disappointment but also Mom’s, even if she doesn’t care whether I stay in school or not. She’d mostly be embarrassed that I failed at something again.

Closing my eyes, I roll over on my stomach, grab my pillow, and scream into it. This is pathetic, but it’s the only way I can release my frustration. I can’t tell anyone how I feel because I’ll sound like I’m complaining.

I don’t have a right to feel the way I do. I have it all. I shouldn’t be struggling. I shouldn’t feel anxious. I shouldn’t be overwhelmed.

“Juls? Are you okay?”

I quickly sit up, embarrassed for my outburst, and run my fingers through my hair, making sure I look composed.

Clearing my throat, I look over my shoulder. Polly and Gabby are peeking through the sliver of the door.

“We heard something and thought we’d check on you,” Polly says. “Are you okay?”

Nodding, I motion for them to come in and plaster a smile on my face. “Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. Just ignore what you heard.”

They come inside and stand in front of my vanity. I expect them to drop it, but Gabby doesn’t seem to want to do that.

“I know we haven’t known each other long, but if you need to talk, we’re here.” Her sweet smile makes me feel a little at ease. “Don’t feel like you need to tell us, but we’re roommates and friends. We’re here for you.”

I know she means it, and by the look in Polly’s eyes, I know she’s reciprocating the same feelings. From the moment I met them, they’ve seemed nothing but genuine, but I’m so scared to trust them after Sienna.

She was just so nice and open. I thought we were on the same page, but I should’ve realized that I was always the one sharing and she wasn’t. I was so desperate for someone to really understand and listen to me, I opened my mouth to the first person who gave me a speckle of their attention.

Eloise doesn’t even know everything about me. As much as I love and trust her, I just can’t bring myself to share things with her. Especially the thing about Cole. No one knows except for Sienna.

I don’t feel comfortable telling them everything, especially the thing about my dad and mom. Gabby and Polly have much bigger issues than I do. It wouldn’t seem right complaining about something so minuscule.

But because I’m overwhelmed with Calc, I decide that’s the only thing I’ll share.

“I’m failing Calc,” I sheepishly say, not able to look them in the eye.

I shouldn’t feel embarrassed, but Gabby and Polly are smart, especially Gabby. I found out she graduated salutatorian in high school, and is on the dean’s list.

“Hey, it’s okay.” Gabby sits next to me. “There’s nothing to be ashamed of. Calc is pretty hard, but don’t fret, you still have two and a half months to bring your grade up.”

She stares at me with so much optimism, I almost believe it, but I know realistically that’s not going to happen.

Leaning against the bed frame, I grab my throw pillow and tell them my hard and complicated relationship with math.

“Oh no, not Roberts.” Polly winces, sitting on the other side of me. “I barely made it through his class. I would’ve failed, but Ga—Landon helped me pass.”

“And m?—”

Polly speaks over Gabby, “Just Landon. It was all him. He’s so smart.”

“Landon helped you pass?”

Polly nods and elbows her best friend. “Yup. He’s wickedly smart and math is like his thing.”

The girls look at each other before Gabby apprehensively smiles and plays with the tip of her braid. “So, I have an idea…”

Yellow bright flags wave in my periphery. Warning and preparing me for whatever’s about to leave her mouth.

I stare at her, feeling skeptical. “Okay?”

“Landon could tutor you.”

“I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.” I scrunch my nose, lips twisting in disgust.

She holds back a smile. “I’m serious, Juls. Landon could tutor you.”

“I’m serious, too.”

Polly sits up, shifting her body to face me. “I know you guys have your… issues and all, but think about it for a moment.”

“There’s nothing to think about,” I deadpan.

Gabby throws her braid over her shoulder, staring at me like she means business. “I’m serious. Set your pride aside and really think about it. Landon graduated valedictorian in high school. He’s insanely and ridiculously smart. And not only that, but he’s also patient. I know it’s hard to believe, but trust us, he’s your ticket to passing.”

“It wouldn’t work. We can’t be together for more than a few minutes without arguing. I’m sure someone would end up dead, and it’s not going to be me.”

Gabby snickers. “You’re so funny.”

I wish she understood how serious I am.

“You guys were together alone last week, and you both were fine and alive.” Polly gives me a pointed stare.

“That’s different. I was drunk for most of it. I wasn’t coherent enough to think.”

“Look, the only person I can think of who will definitely help you pass is Landon. I’m not sure how he manages to make it all make sense, but he does. I swear he will help you pass,” she reassures, her tone serious and void of any amusement. “He helped me and I aced that class. I know he can help you, too.”

Those yellow bright flags wave in my periphery again.

I should heed to the warning, but there’s a voice in the back of my head telling me I should go for it. Either I lose my pride and ask him for help, or I disappoint my father again.

“I’ll think about it.”

I’ve been thinking about Gabby and Polly’s grand idea for two days now.

I know I’m making a bigger deal than I need to, but the thought of asking him for help feels agonizing and embarrassing. It’s like I’m willingly handing Landon something else to talk shit about.

In the grand scheme of things, if he’s as smart as my roommates made him out to be, then I’ll pass. Landon talking shit should be the least of my problems. Either way, he already does that now, so why does it matter?

Sure, I’m extremely self-conscious about my intellect, but it’ll be okay, because at least I’ll pass. Whatever jokes and smart-ass comments he makes will be brutal. He’s not one to hold back and never with me, but that’s okay because the price will be worth it, right?

“That concludes today’s meeting.” Sienna smiles wide.

I’m not sure when I zoned out and how long it was for, but I’ve been doing that a lot. I did that today with my students. I didn’t mean to, but the girls’ idea won’t leave my head.

I don’t waste time grabbing my things, but I slow down when a few girls make conversation with me. They’re sweet but I’m just trying to get out.

I don’t feel comfortable here anymore. At least not when Sienna is around. Anytime I’m around her, I feel like she’s going to spill all of my secrets.

There aren’t many of them, but they’re the ones that keep me up at night. Or ones I’m too embarrassed to talk about.

Luck isn’t on my side because right as I slip out of the sorority house, she stops me.

“Hey, can I talk to you for a second?” she asks.

“Sure.”

We step to the side, where it’s not crowded with girls.

I fold my arms against my chest, feeling the early October breeze pass by us. It’s only October first, but it’s colder this year than it was last year. That’s the thing about living in North Carolina. You never know what the weather will be like.

She bears a tight smile that doesn’t touch her eyes. “Isn’t it funny?”

I stare, puzzled. “Uh, what is?”

“How I said I was going to take Landon to semi and then you start hanging out with him.” She chuckles, but it’s bitter.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t hang out with him.”

“So you guys weren’t seen getting coffee together or leaving Liquid.” Anger flares in her eyes despite the friendliness she tries to exude.

“I’m not sure what you saw or heard, but it’s not what it looks like. And I don’t need to explain myself to you.” I go to leave, but she grabs my arm.

“I see what this is.” She lets go of my arm, clicking her tongue. Her gaze swipes over me in a condescending way. “You want to live out that fantasy of yours.”

My breath gets caught.

Sienna smirks, cocking her head to the side. “Since you want to live this disturbing fantasy of yours, you should try the football team next. Maybe a train is up your alley. Since you’re all into being used. Have fun.” She turns, waving me goodbye.

My stomach plummets, regret and mortification washing over me. If I could take back everything I said to her, I would in a heartbeat.

I bite the inside of my cheek and force myself to move even though my legs feel like they’ve been cemented on the ground.

I’ve decided I’m going to ask Landon to tutor me.

After my conversation with Sienna earlier today, I asked myself what else do I have to lose ? My dignity is hardly intact, so who cares about my pride?

The only thing that matters is that I pass, make Dad proud and hopefully along the way, I can make Mom proud as well. I don’t know how I’ll accomplish that, but one step at a time.

As soon as I got home from my Chapter meeting, I thought over everything and started writing down how we’d make it work.

Basketball season starts next month, but hopefully, he’ll be able to spare a day or two of his busy schedule. I’m also willing to work around his schedule. I can move my days around at the museum, except for Sunday mornings with my students.

My music class is something I look forward to, so that’s the only day I’m not willing to give up.

He’d have to agree to want to tutor me, but after I tell him how much I’ll pay him, surely, he will.

If he does agree, I’m going to put him on a two-week trial. The girls keep insisting he’s unquestionably smart, and I don’t think they’d lie, but I still need to make sure I’m getting my money’s worth.

Now I wait for him to arrive. After I made up my mind, I asked Polly to invite him over.

I’m glad the girls aren’t here. Otherwise, they’d see me pacing the threshold of the living room. They’d also see me talking to myself, listing the pros and cons.

I shouldn’t feel anxious. It’s not like it’s the first time I’ll be talking to Landon. But it’ll be the first time I’ll be seeing him since Saturday, all because I’ve been avoiding him. Not that it matters. I’m sure he didn’t realize I was doing that. Knowing him, he probably forgot I was living here. He said that to me once.

The knock at the door brings me to a staggering stop and my heart rate spikes. My palms become cold and clammy, and my stomach furls with nerves.

Breathe. I remind myself as I open the door.

“Oh, it’s you,” is how he greets me.

“Yes, it’s me. Come in.”

But he doesn’t. He stands outside the door, staring at me, perplexed. “They’re not here. Are they?”

Here goes nothing.

“No, I asked Polly to invite you over because I need to talk to you.”

His eyebrows shoot up, but then his eyes narrow with caution. “About?”

“Can you come in?” I pull the door wider and motion for him to come in.

With a sigh, he lowers his head a bit to come inside because he’s insanely tall. He does that a lot, and I kind of feel for him. It must be uncomfortable for him to have to accommodate the most basic things like doors and such.

I take a seat on the couch as he closes the door and slips his shoes off. I think through everything I planned to say, but once he sits in front of me, my mind goes blank.

“Are you going to talk?”

“I’m just going to get to the point because bullshitting is pointless, unnecessary, and a waste of time.”

A ghost of a smile touches his lips, but when I blink, it’s gone.

“I’m failing calculus.” My body flames with embarrassment and I shift in my seat. The idea sounds less appealing now that I’ve admitted it out loud. My brain is telling me to abort the mission, but Dad’s face springs to mine. “I didn’t want to come to you, but Gabby and Polly said you’re the person to go to. I really didn’t want to bother you, but I really need a tutor.”

“No.” He says it so fast, I almost don’t catch it.

Okay, no big deal. I saw this coming. Just explain yourself. Maybe he’ll change his mind.

“I know we have our differences.” Differences is an understatement, but the last thing I need is to get into an argument with him. “And you probably don’t want to be anywhere near me, but I could really use your help. Polly told me you helped her when she had Roberts, and I have Rob?—”

“Don’t you understand what no means? Or ever heard of the word?”

“I know you have a busy schedule, but I can work through it. Whatever works for you, I’ll make it work,” I plead, hoping he can hear the desperation in my voice. “I can also pay you?—”

“The answer is still no,” he says without an ounce of hesitation.

“But I-I’ll pay you and p-please,” I stammer, but my desperation trumps my embarrassment. I hope he can see it, hear it, and take pity on me. “I really need help and?—”

He stands, staring down at me with annoyance. “Sometimes in life we can’t get what we want. My answer is no. I don’t need your money or desperation.”

My heart sinks to a bottomless pit as I watch him walk to the door, slip his shoes on, and without sparing me a glance, he walks away.

I keep myself composed until I’m in my room. I scream into my pillow, then I grab my stuff and begin to study.