Only With You (Knights #2)

50

LANDON

My fisted hand suspends in the air next to the door. It’s midnight and I’m sure it’ll freak her out if I knock, considering everyone is probably home for Thanksgiving.

Dropping it, I opt for using my key and hope to God she’s awake.

My hope is kindled when I hear the Pride and Prejudice soundtrack coming from her record player and her soft hum. But it stops when I push the door open.

When I step in, I regret not knocking because her eyes grow impossibly wide with panic, and she sits frozen on the couch. It only lasts for a mere second before she’s jumping to her feet, grabbing one of the decorative throw pillows, and chucking it at me.

I grab it before it hits my chest.

“What the hell is the matter with you? You scared me!” she bellows and grabs another, throwing it as hard as she can, but I catch it, which only pisses her off more. She grabs another, but this time I let it hit me on the chest. “You could have told me you were coming in instead of just showing up. I thought it was a robber!”

“I wasn’t sure if you’d respond since you haven’t replied to any of my messages that I sent out since Saturday night.”

I even messaged her on both of her Instagram accounts and got nothing, so she can’t blame me. I tried reaching out, a fucking lot.

Her mouth twists and the fire burning in her eyes extinguishes, but I still feel the heat emit from them. “There’s a reason why I didn’t. I want to be left alone, so leave, because I really don’t want to talk to you or anyone right now.”

I set the pillows down as I approach her. “No, I’m not leaving. I didn’t fly out here so you could kick me out.”

“I didn’t ask you to fly out here,” she snaps back, the fire returning in her eyes.

“No, you didn’t, but I wanted to be here because I thought you were sick. And I was worried, because you weren’t replying.” I take one step closer, but she takes one step away.

“Because I need to be alone. How much more clearer do I need to be? I just want to be alone. I didn’t ask you to fly out, so do us both a favor and leave, because I’m not in the mood to argue with you tonight or ever. Matter of fact, I’m done with us. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t do fun anymore. I just can’t. So I’m done. Find someone else to be fun with, because it can’t be…” Her chin quavers, chest rapidly rising and falling. “Me.”

Something punctures the middle of my chest. A knife lodges in so deep, I can feel the blade slowly slicing my heart in half.

“Julianna—”

“No, just get out.” She pins me with a look of defeat.

I spin on my heel because if I’ve learned anything is that when someone sets a boundary and tells you no, it means no. But as I open the door, ready to walk out, I stop because I can’t just leave.

My brain is rioting, because I’m going against everything I’ve done to protect myself, but to hell with it. I can’t ignore the facts anymore.

“No.” I shut the door and face her.

“No?” Her jaw flexes and her hands fist at her sides like she’s getting ready to argue with me but shakes her head stiffly and harshly breathes. “I’m not doing this. Get out!”

“I’m in too deep!” The words leave my mouth with a sudden force, it almost takes the little bit of air left in me with them. Brushing my hands along my chain, I ground myself as I think of what makes me feel my best, but I don’t have to think of it when she’s standing right in front of me.

Dropping my hand, I inhale a deep breath to steady my thundering heart, but it has the opposite effect, and beats faster than before.

Oh, fuck it.

“I’m in too deep, Julianna. Too fucking deep, that this”—I point at my chest, fisting my shirt close to my heart because it feels like it’s close to collapsing—“this doesn’t feel like mine! This goes manic when I’m around you. When I think about you. When I hear your voice. God, when I hear your voice, I fucking forget my own name. I forget it all, because when I hear it, when I hear you , it all disappears because nothing else matters. Nothing else exists!”

She gawks at me in disbelief, eyebrows arched high, and lips parted in a small O. Her cheeks burn, but she doesn’t say anything or steps back when I approach her.

“There is no finding fun with anyone else. I’m sorry I worded it that way. I’m sorry I made you believe it was just fun, because it’s been much more than that for me. I wish I could tell you when it became more . I wish I could tell you when I fell so hard. I really wish I could, but I can’t. What I can tell you is that for the first time, falling doesn’t seem so bad if it’s only with you .”

I pause, standing in front of her, and close the gap between us, encasing all of the electricity in a bubble of our own as I cup her neck and tilt her head back. Her eyes bore into mine, searing and searching, but still, she says nothing. I only hear the hitch in her breath and feel her rapid pulse beneath the pads of my fingers.

“I’m falling for you every day, but I’ve also never felt more balanced, because you make me feel it in this unsteady world. I don’t know how you manage to make me fall and feel secure, but you do, Julianna. And it pains me to admit that, not because I don’t want you to know, but because it scares me.”

My breathing becomes shaky as those words hurriedly tumble out of my mouth. My mind is screaming at me to shut up, to pull back, to force everything that I’m feeling away because this isn’t the plan, but I can’t.

“Why does it scare you?” she asks, her voice low, almost inaudible.

“Because admitting it out loud means I’m attached, and if I’m attached…it means there’s a chance someone will leave, someone will walk away, someone will die, and once they do…it’ll hurt.” I grind the back of my teeth, feeling the stabbing ache in my chest again.

I push through pain because there’s no going back. I’ve bared myself to her, let her see the fear, and I can’t take it back. Even if I could, I don’t want to, not with her.

Her lips and chin tremble. “You shouldn’t be scared.”

“No, I shouldn’t be, but I’m not good with words, and I’m afraid I’ll say the wrong thing and fuck it all up. I’m afraid, because the last thing I want is to lose someone I never had to begin with.”

My spine becomes rigid as a lone tear trickles down her cheek. I try to assess where I went wrong, what I could have said to mess it all up.

Dropping my hands, I take a step back, raking my shaky fingers through my hair.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you cry.” I panic when another rolls down, followed by another. “I’m sorry. I just needed to tell you that I like you a lot. Life with you has been brighter, it’s been easier to breathe, and more fun to live. I just needed you to know. I’m sorry I upset you. I swear that was the last thing I ever wanted to do.”

A voice in my ear yells for me to reach out to her as she cries, but I stand paralyzed in my spot.

“Julianna, I?—”

My words get cut short when she wipes the tears and wraps her arms around me.

“No, please don’t be sorry. Please don’t.” Her voice cracks and becomes muffled as she buries her face against my chest and sobs. “I’m sorry…” She sniffles, body trembling against mine. “I’m sorry.”

My chest aches with an unsettling weight, but it becomes heavier at the pained sobs that wrack her and the way she clutches my shirt at the back.

“Hey.” I embrace her, my arms firmly threaded around her body. “Breathe, Love, breathe.” I gently rub her back but to no avail, she continues, so I let her while whispering, “I’m right here,” and “I’m not going anywhere.”

I’m not sure how long we stand here, but after a few moments, she calms down, and her soft hiccups and sniffles fill the space between us.

“I’m sorry,” she croaks, wrenching away from me. She furiously wipes the tears that cling to her chin and the ones still soaking her cheeks. And cringes as she wipes under her nose. “I’m sorry, you weren’t supposed to see this.” Her voice cracks, red puffy eyes well again, and her bottom lip wobbles. “You might want to reconsider what you just said, because I’m not —I won’t be enough.” She steps back, hugging herself, making herself be small.

“Julianna.” I close the space between us, circling an arm around her back, and tip her chin up. Her expression is wistful, electric sapphire eyes doleful. “Nothing you say or do will make me reconsider what I just said. I meant every word and I stand by it. A few tears aren’t going to prevent me from feeling the way that I do. You can cry and shout, but nothing will change the way I feel for you. Because I look forward to seeing what’s going to happen next, you keep me wanting more, needing more. Everything you do is enough , though sometimes I feel like I can’t get enough of you. Sometimes, I’m so overwhelmed by you I forget how to think.”

I cup her neck with both hands, wiping away tears that cling to her cheeks.

“So this is nothing. If you want to cry or yell at me, then by all means please do it, please fucking fight with me. Please do what you want.” I swallow the thick emotions clogging my throat. “And while you’re at it, take my heart with you, because it doesn’t feel like mine anymore.”

My thumb glides across her cheek, catching the last tear before it follows the tear path the others left.

“Like I said, I’m in too deep,” I rasp, pouring the last bit of my soul to her.

The last of her hiccups are gone, and the only sound beside her sniffles is the music coming from her record player.

She stares at me pensively, eyes glassy, red and swollen, and then something sparks in them. They become incandescent, filled with warmth and hope.

She cracks the faintest smile. “You keep saying you’re not good with words, but then you say all of this?”

“I’m still not. I’m just saying what I feel.” I smile.

Julianna grabs the hem of my jumper, sinking her teeth into her bottom lip. “I don’t think my words will ever amount to yours, but I like you a lot. Nothing and no one has ever felt like a safe haven until you.”

Safe haven.

No words have been more constant than the words Mum uttered. Even after her death, they still haunt and taunt me as a reminder of what a failure I am for letting her die. But for the first time, those words don’t blare in my ear. They don’t berate me because her words, like a sun, shine over a desolate part in my brain.

“Won’t amount? You realise you just called me your safe haven?”

Her lips grow. “Because you are. Even when we weren’t getting along, you always made me feel safe.”

My heart expands and my stomach goes berserk with an array of wild animals and fireworks.

Her brows pinch, eyes going big. “Wait, what are you doing here? Don’t you play tomorrow at two?”

“Yeah, I do, but—no, wait, what are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be in California right now?”

She stills, going quiet, then blows out a debilitated breath and tells me about the conversation with her mum.

“So, I told her I was sick. Knowing Mom, she’ll act like I’ve never told her anything, but she’s passive-aggressive and won’t fail to make comments. So I’m staying here, because I don’t think I can deal with her right now.”

Anger burns my veins and it takes everything in me not to say anything because I know she doesn’t need that right now. She already feels like shit. She almost cried again while telling me. God, I really hate her mum.

“Come with me.”

She looks excited for a moment, but it fizzles away. “I can’t. I mean, I can, I have the money for it, but knowing Mom, she’ll be checking my bank accounts, because she already suspects that I’m lying. And before you say anything, I have my own money, but it’s not like I make a lot from the museum.”

“That’s not a problem.” Letting go of her, I grab my wallet from my back pocket and hand her my credit card. “Come with me.”

She pushes my hand away, a small crease settling between her brows. “I can’t use your money.”

“You can and you will.” I take her hand and place it in her palm, then close her fingers around it. “You’re my girlfriend now. It’s my job to take care of you.”

Her brows lift. “Girlfriend? I don’t recall getting asked.”

Grabbing her hip with one hand, I tug her to me and cup her jaw with the other. I stare at her for a moment, soaking it all in, adoring every inch of her, and my body flames. “Be my Love?”

Her cheeks taint a rose colour, the sweetest smile curls on her lips, and her eyes glimmer. “How can you say you’re not good with words?”

I sheepishly shrug. “Well?”

“Yeah, I guess I’ll give you the pleasure of dating me.” She laughs when I narrow my eyes at her. “I’ll be your Love, if you’ll be mine?”

“Only yours.” I pull her in, sealing my lips with hers.

Snowy white and electric sapphire swirl in my head.