Only With You (Knights #2)

58

JULIANNA

A sense of relief and sadness floods my chest, but the emotions battle between which I should feel the most or not at all.

I should be happy knowing I don’t have to deal with feeling inadequate when I talk to my parents. In my head, it feels like I took the right step, like I did what needed to be done to protect my own peace, but now I just feel sad.

All the years I spent trying to prove my worth to them, only for it to mean nothing. The worst part of all of this is that I finally told them about the sexual assault and they said nothing. It’s been hours now since I last spoke to them. Not one message, not one I’m sorry, not one do you need anything, not one anything.

Their silence speaks volumes, but it’s still not enough to stop myself from feeling so heavy-hearted. It feels like I’m grieving two people who are still alive.

Exhaling a heavy breath, I shut the water off and finish getting ready for bed. Then I lie down while Haptic plays in the background.

I glance at my open door, wishing I wasn’t alone. El couldn’t come because she’s working tonight. My roommates are at the party, and Landon, well, he said he was going to talk to Cole. He didn’t go into the specifics, but it makes me nervous because I can’t imagine Cole openly confessing.

Closing my eyes, I focus on the music. Everything about Haptic feels familiar and comforting. I know with him, I won’t ever have to worry about change because he’s consistent. At least in the way he plays an instrument or sings. Music-wise, that’s a little different.

He usually plays or sings pensive, wistful, melancholic music, but recently, something changed. When he sings or plays, it sounds richer, effervescent, and livelier. If the comments weren’t pointing it out, I would’ve felt like I was reading into it because it feels like he’s in love. It’s very obvious in his choice of music. He even sang one in Spanish, “Eres” by Café Tacvba. I had Gabby translate it for me because I wasn’t sure Google was going to translate it correctly.

He could be in a romantic mood, but I’m certain he’s found a special someone. I hope that’s the case, but if not, I just hope he’s doing well and is happy.

My eyes flutter as I feel a dip in the bed. Still, I feel too groggy for them to fully open. That’s until an arm slips under my neck, taking the place of my pillow, and the other snakes over my stomach. It tugs me back until my back is flushed against a firm, warm chest.

“Good night, Love,” Landon whispers in my ear.

I sleepily smile and turn to face him. I throw my arm over his chest, nuzzle my face against the crook of his arm, and toss my leg over his. My lips stretch wider because me from five months ago would’ve felt repulsed at the thought of doing this with Landon. Now, I love it and I get to call him my boyfriend. Yeah, past me would have lost her shit.

“What time is it?”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you. Go back to sleep,” he murmurs, kissing my forehead.

“It’s okay. I’m happy you’re finally home.”

Landon inhales deeply and exhales sharply. His arms wound tighter around me, almost protectively. He kisses my forehead again and his lips linger there, his stubble grazing me.

I’m almost afraid to ask, but I force myself to swallow past the lump in my throat. “He didn’t confess, did he?”

His body becomes taut, every inch of him rigid, and when I feel his steady heart rate speed up, my stomach sinks.

“He confessed.”

I sit up, feeling a bit claustrophobic and hot.

“Love, I’m right here.” He leans against the bedframe and guides me to straddle him.

I slump down, resting my head on his shoulder. “I don’t think I’ll be able to hear it,” I weakly mumble. “At least, not right now.”

He caresses my back, rubs soft circles, and lays his chin on my head. “That’s okay. Whenever you feel ready and if you don’t, that’s okay too, but I don’t want you to forget that you’re so brave, okay?”

“Okay.” I focus on the feel of his heart rate, counting the beats to twenty and restarting until my own isn’t racing like it’s going to explode. “That was fast. How did you manage to do that?”

“I didn’t. He started talking and I just encouraged it, but I think he would’ve said anything anyway because he was seeking validation. I guess he thought if he told me his side of the story, I’d agree with him, that I’d support it, and justify everything he did.” His heart rate quickens and his voice sounds like it’s been doused in gasoline and when he utters the next words, the heat of them licks my skin. “I could’ve killed him. I wanted to. I really fucking did.”

“He’s not worth it, but you didn’t…”

“You’re worth it, but no, I didn’t do anything to him. Except maybe break his nose.” Pleasure fills his voice, but fire brims in it. “I won’t lie, for a second, I contemplated it. My foot was on his throat.”

His admittance shocks me and I pull away, looking up at him. “Are you serious?”

“Yeah, but I couldn’t go through with it. Thinking of someone trying to make a move on you because I’m locked up stopped it all.”

I grin at the severity in his voice. “That would never happen. I’d never give them the chance.”

He smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes and he cups my neck. “I’m so sorry you went through that. I’m so sorry he did that to you.”

The pain in his voice punctures my heart.

“Me, too…but I’m thankful I ended up running into you that night. I know you didn’t have to, but you took care of me and I’ll forever be grateful.”

“I wish I had known. I wish I could’ve?—”

“You were there after and that’s all that matters.” I take his hand from my neck and interlock my fingers with his.

Still, my words don’t seem to ease the discomfort because he stares at me with anguish. Like there’s still more he hasn’t shared with me.

“There’s more, isn’t there?”

His lips flatten in a tight line. For a long moment, he stares at me, the silence so fierce but so thin, a knife could easily slice it.

“I know who drugged you that night.”

I hold my breath and nod for him to say it, because I don’t think I have the voice to ask.

“Sienna.”

I laugh, shaking my head because that sounds absurd. “Is that what Cole told you? Because I’m sure he’d make that up just so?—”

He heaves a breath, rubbing the nape of his neck. “There’s proof she did it. She admitted it in a text message.”

I recoil back and my mouth opens, but my thoughts are too scattered and become a tangled mess. I can’t think straight, much less form a single word because there’s no way.

“She couldn’t have done that. She wouldn’t do that. Sure, we don’t get along, but there’s no way she would do that to me. There’s just no way, Landon,” I ramble, panic in my voice. “She wouldn’t do that, right? We used to be friends, best…friends.” My voice cracks. “She…she…wouldn’t do that…right?”

“I’m so sorry, Love. She did.” He wraps his arms around me, and I let him pull my numb body, feeling too overwhelmed to do anything.

I drop my head on his shoulder as flashbacks of Halloween resurface like a scary film.

“She changed sophomore year. We stopped talking and hanging out, but on Halloween night, she wanted to get together. It was so random, but I didn’t question it, because I thought she wanted to fix things.” I break out into a cold sweat. “What did the text message say?”

He tenses. “Are you sure you want to know?”

“Yeah,” I weakly say.

“Cole texted Sienna that night and told her he saw her pouring something in your drink. She denied it at first, but then confessed. He said he wouldn’t say anything if he could get you alone.”

I clench my teeth, refusing to let the tears building up spill. “Did she say why she did it?”

He kisses the top of my head. “She wanted you kicked out of the sorority.”

I close my eyes, letting the tears fall.

Landon doesn’t say anything but holds me, knowing that I don’t need words right now. I just need to be held. I just need him.

Love: Just text me if you need anything, and I’ll leave. I don’t need to be here.

I smile, stifling a yawn.

Last night was rough. After crying my eyes out, I couldn’t fall asleep because my head was hurting. So Landon—even though he doesn’t care to talk about Haptic—asked me questions about him and let me talk his ear off about the romance song theory. Then, he suggested we slow dance to make up for not going to semi. It did make me feel better, but I felt bad for stepping on his feet. He didn’t complain or show that it bothered him.

Then we cleaned up my room and I watched him do his night routine.

It pains me to know the reason he needs things around him to be spotless. He said living with his mom was a nightmare, because she wasn’t the cleanest, so messes trigger and overstimulate him. He also said it’s how he feels the most useful, something he knows he can’t fuck up. So he insisted he needed to clean alone.

My heart sank at his admission, and as much as I wanted to hug him, I didn’t because I could tell he felt overwhelmed sharing that. Instead of letting him do it alone, I suggested we do it together.

I know he’ll never forget, but maybe doing something different will help replace the bad memories. I’m sure that’s not how it works for him, but it’s worth a try.

It took a little adjusting and me reminding him that we’re doing it together for him to let me help. He still ended up doing most of it, but baby steps.

Afterward, he ate a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, worked on his music, and played a little on my piano. He involved me in it like he usually does, but I typically like to stay quiet because I know it’s what he needs.

I know he’s gone through a lot, so the routine helps him cope with stress.

Me: Pretty sure Coach Warren said it was mandatory team breakfast.

Love: He’d understand but either way you’re important.

Me: Remember when you said you gave half a fuck about me?

Love: Yes because you were a pain in the arse then and you’re still one now.

Me: Still? Careful there, you’re lucky I agreed to date you. You might find yourself without a girlfriend.

Love: Is that a threat?

Me: I don’t know…you tell me.

I muffle my laugh, looking up to see that the Uber driver has pulled into the sorority house and parked.

Me: I’m here but I’ll text you as soon as I’m out. I love you.

Love: I love you.

I don’t think I’ll ever get over knowing he loves me.

“I shouldn’t be long.” I meet the driver’s eyes through the rearview. They crinkle at the corner and she nods with a smile.

I ring the doorbell and recite the words I’ve been replaying in my head since last night. I’m anxious, but when the door swings open, any nervous lingering doubts evaporate, and all I feel is rage.

“Hey, Juls.” Bre lets me in, a wide smile on her face. We may not have been the closest, but she’s always been nice to me. “Where were you this morning? This is your second time missing a meeting and that’s so unlike you.”

I shut the door behind me. “I know. I’ve just had some things going on.”

No one knows I’m leaving, but after I’m done talking to Sienna, they will.

“That’s understandable. I’ve also had some things going on with Saint. We’re on and off, but it’s kind of hot, you know.” She wiggles her brows.

I chuckle. “Do you know if Sienna is here?”

Annoyance washes over her face. “She’s in her room, but you may want to come back later. She’s still pissed Landon bailed on her, and she’s taking it out on everyone. And I’m sure she’s definitely not going to want to see you. She’s been nonstop talking about what a conniving bitch you are because apparently you took him from her? I wasn’t aware he was her property and…and…Oh. My. God!”

She gapes at the smile on my face. “Holy shit, so it’s true? You and Landon are a thing?” she gleefully asks and covers her mouth with her palm in shock when I nod. “He can’t be her property because he’s yours. I love this so much for you. Can I be there when you tell Sienna? I’d love to see the look on her face when?—”

“I’m not here to tell her that. I’m here to talk about something else.”

“I won’t hold you up then, but please let me know all the details if it slips out .” She uses finger quotes around those words.

I smile at her, but it drops when I make it to her room and I don’t have to knock because she’s coming out.

Rage grows inside, twisting and searing every part of me. It almost blinds me, but I push past the fog of anger that clouds my judgment.

“I need to talk to you in private.”

Sienna glares, her eyes glacial. “Don’t worry. I already know.” She walks past me, shoulder harshly bumping into mine. “Have fun getting used.”

“Because that’s what you want, right?” I grimly ask. “That’s what you wanted to happen on Halloween two years ago, right?”

She falters at the top of the stairs and pivots, piercing me with an unsettling look. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, but I’m over the drama you bring and the attention you want. You have Landon’s now. I don’t know what the hell you’re doing here.”

A few girls come out of their rooms and watch us.

“I don’t want to do this here. Can we talk in private?”

She stares at me expressionlessly. “They all know what an attention-seeking bitch you are. They know not to leave their boyfriends around you, because you’ll come and?—”

“Enough!” I yell and she lifts an unimpressed brow. “I want to talk in private.”

She sneers. “Private? So you can tell me how you took Landon away from me? You knew I was going to semi with him, but you couldn’t help yourself! Like always, some things never change with you.”

“What are you talking about?”

Her scornful laugh punctures the space between us. “Don’t act like you don’t know. Anytime I’ve ever been remotely interested in a guy, they’re always after you. Do you know how many times I’ve been approached by someone just so they can talk to you? How many guys have given me their numbers in hopes of talking to you? How many guys pretend to like me just to get closer to you! It’s unfair that I try so hard and all you have to do is stand there and do nothing. You have everything, I don’t understand why you couldn’t just have let me have this one thing. Landon was mine. I had my eyes on him first!”

Resentment boils in her words, but I don’t feel bad. She’s been jealous of something I was never aware about.

I was desperately trying to stay composed, but the anger has now toppled over and I just don’t give a fuck anymore.

“I don’t know what delusional world you live in, but stop acting like Landon was yours because he never was. But he’s not the reason I’m here. I came to ask you about Halloween two years ago. What did you give me?”

She blinks rapidly, eyes widening in alarm. “Wh-what are you talking about?”

“Don’t act like you don’t know! You gave me something that night and you proceeded to abandon me so Cole could get me alone.”

She blanches but scoffs. “I-I don’t know what you’re talking about. Is this because you don’t get enough attention from your parents? Is Landon not giving you want you want and now you’re acting like?—”

“Sienna, stop! You know exactly what you did, what he did! How fucking could you! All this time, you made me feel like I was crazy, you made it seem like it was no big deal! All this time, it was fucking you!”

“What’s going on? Why are you guys yelling?” Bre stands next to Sienna, staring at us inquisitively and perplexed as well as the other girls who are scattered around the hall.

“Nothing.” She steps back defensively. “Julianna’s just being dramatic like always.”

I dig my fingernails into my shaking palms. “Dramatic? That’s rich of you to say. I didn’t lace your drink. I didn’t abandon you afterward. I didn’t allow someone to take advantage of you. I didn’t call you crazy and say it was no big deal. I didn’t downplay how you felt for years!”

Bre’s expression goes slack, and horrified eyes bounce from Sienna to mine. “Sienna, what did you do?”

“She’s obviously lying! That would n-never happen. I wouldn’t d-do that,” she splutters nervously, pointing at her chest as she frantically looks around.

I let out a humorless laugh. “So the text messages are fake?”

The last color remaining on her face drains.

“Why?” My voice breaks, a pain so crippling it stabs me in the heart.

She stands frozen.

“Now you have nothing to say? You’re not going to slut shame me? You’re not going to say it was an accident? That Cole didn’t mean to do it? That we were just drunk!” I stalk toward her and she jerks back, still staying quiet. “Cole locked me in his room and was going to fucking rape me, Sienna! He touched me, he kissed me! And what did you say in the text message? ‘If anyone asks, Julianna willingly took something, had a little too much to drink.’ That’s what you said, right?” I stand in front of her, fisting my hand at my side. “And then you proceeded to party with the girls like I wasn’t fighting for my life! Like I wasn’t begging him not to touch me!”

She shakes her head. “It wasn’t?—”

I swing my palm back and strike it hard across her face. She stumbles back and cups her blistering red cheek, staring at me, shellshocked.

I glance at the other girls. “It’s not me you all need to worry about. If I were you, I’d be careful about accepting drinks or leaving them around her.” I cast my hardened glare back at her and she flinches back when I bring my hand back, but I drop it.

“Julianna, I’m s?—”

“Don’t apologize when you’re just sorry you got caught.” I shoulder check her on my way down the stairs.

I’d bring up what she did to Nikki’s car, but she’d probably deny that too. As much as there’s more I need to say, it all feels pointless now.