Pandion (Genera #1)

Chapter 7

K agesawa jolted out of bed with enough force to hit the opposing wall, the impact of which startled him further. “—t the shit?!” There were multiple threats? His instincts told him to scan his surroundings to determine what else was attacking him. The wall? He’d hit the wall? Where…?

In the dim light of the blue indicator lights of his electronics, he could make out the form of a person sitting up on the bed. He was overcome by the rush of adrenaline and panic and all the trappings that came along with it: rapid heartbeat, cold sweat, shakes and shallow breathing.

“Not here, not here, not here…” His head was catching up with the situation, but his body was still reacting to the fear. “It’s not him, it’s not him, it’s not him…” It was a different link. He was fine. He took some deep, deliberate, slow breaths and tried to calm down.

“Are you all right?” Satoru’s voice.

“Y-yes, I’m-m-m fine.” As if it made any sense to lie.

“Who was that in your dream?” Satoru asked. Of course, he’d picked it up. Not this again.

“Shi-Shimizu.” The shaking was the worst. Just when he would’ve most appreciated being in control of his body, he trembled uncontrollably and started stuttering. He made an effort to dampen the link as best he could, regardless.

“One of your previous links?”

“Y-yes.” It had been a while since he’d last had a nightmare or a panic attack, so he’d hoped he was over it. Breathe in slowly, deeply through the nose… exhale through the mouth. “Ah, shit-t-t…” As he calmed down, he became aware of the pain in his shoulder.

As quickly as it had appeared, it disappeared again. He turned to look at Satoru, although in this low light, he could scarcely see his face.

“You’re doing that?” Instead of dampening…?

“Yes, for now. Doesn’t seem like anything serious, but you may want to ice that.” Satoru lay back down. “What time is it?” he asked. Kagesawa checked his watch.

“Four-thirty. Go back to sleep.”

“I would, but…” Are you sure you’re all right? Do you need to talk about it?

There were undeniable perks to having a well-functioning link, but it also had some major drawbacks. Being forced to share things was one. Most people didn’t take too kindly to being force-fed trauma as continuous background noise, so Kagesawa had tried to deal with his own as swiftly as possible. It just wouldn’t go away, and it was getting exhausting having to mask it. He climbed back into bed, too tired to do anything about the shoulder, hoping it wasn’t going to disturb Satoru.

“You can stop projecting,” Kagesawa said. It was a touching gesture, but the more trouble he caused, the sooner people lost patience and got fed up with him.

Satoru stopped but did so gradually. “What did he do?” he asked.

Kagesawa swallowed. With some imagination and resentment, there were quite a few disturbing things one could do with a link. He shook his head.

“I don’t…” He tried his best to put it to words but repeatedly found himself staring ahead, mind blank. How could he explain when he couldn’t even bring himself to think about it? If he did, he feared he would panic from knowing he was still linked to another person. It didn’t matter who it was. The sensation made his skin crawl.

“Why did you get linked if you didn’t even want to? It’s not like you need the money.”

It was a fair question. Kagesawa exhaled heavily. “I’m sorry,” was all he could say.

“Kagesawa…” Satoru waited until Kagesawa turned to look. “It’s not the same reason you have credit chips lying around the house, is it?”

Kagesawa’s heart sank. The silence that followed was suffocating. This was one of the ways it started. It always ended more or less the same.

“It would help if you could put it into words. It’s a little difficult to suss through the link. Your projection skills are appalling.”

“I’m not projecting.”

“No? How loud are your thoughts? I keep hearing bits and pieces.”

“I think I’ve said it before, but there’s something wrong with this link. It’s too good. You’re too good.” And I still can’t shut him out. I can’t run, I can’t hide, I can do nothing. Kagesawa’s palms started to sweat.

“Calm down, you’re spreading it to me, and I want to be able to sleep once we’re done with this.”

“Telling me to calm down is not going to help me calm down.”

Kagesawa tried his breathing exercises, but his mind was starting to race. Why was it like this? Why did they pair him up with Satoru? Why did it feel like someone kept trying to pound through with more and more force? It had never been like this before! Not even with Seimei… not…

“Stop it!” Satoru grabbed him by the hand. “I can’t process all that in one go. Stop freaking out.” As he said this, he offered some of his own mental calm through the link. “Better?”

“Yes.” It was a safety blanket. His own mess of emotions was still there, but it wasn’t quite as overwhelming.

“D’you think you could open up a bit more so I can make sense of this? I can tell it’s deeply personal, and I get that you don’t want to share, but despite what you may think, I’d like this to work out.”

“I don’t know if I can trust you.”

“We’re linked. Does it feel like I’m untrustworthy?”

“No.” Kagesawa paused to think. “But… if I tell you, you’ll leave.”

“Is it really that bad?” Satoru frowned.

“You’ve seen my transcript. You’re number ten. Out of the nine before you, eight thought it was intolerable, and the one remaining didn’t care so long as I did as told until he retired. One way or another, it’s bad. Forgive me if I’m not too optimistic.”

“What did you do to try to solve it?”

“I keep it to myself, try not to be like this…”

“I mean the collective you. Didn’t they help you out in any way?”

“Yeah, sure, they start out trying to be patient and give me time.” At this, Satoru snorted. “What’s so funny?” Kagesawa asked.

“No, it’s not funny at all. I can’t pretend I’m much better. After all, I’ve been an ass toward you myself, but at least I have some semblance of self-awareness.” Satoru paused to sit up and pulled Kagesawa along. Kagesawa didn’t resist. “Sounds pretty shitty of them to leave you to deal with it alone.”

“It’s my problem, my responsibility…”

“You’re my link. We’re in this together. If there’s something I can do to help, I’ll do it.”

“Really?”

“Yes. We’ll figure it out.”

“Really?”

“After linking with me, you’ve made me sort shit, have sex with you and clean your apartment, for what? It’s a technical licensing issue, isn’t it? You didn’t fill out the form in time to switch to a stand-alone empath’s licence, so you kept getting reassignment meetings, which you couldn’t cancel without facing a penalty. You only went because you were forced to attend, right? That’s how you ended up with me, yes?”

Deeply ashamed of himself, Kagesawa could no longer face Satoru and looked away.

“Yes.” Before Satoru could continue with the lecture, he hurried to add, “I know, I know! It’s bad… They’re trying to find me a link that works, and I keep messing it up. I keep thinking everyone’s out to get me. I don’t even care if my organism stops developing or shrivels up and dies without a link. I can’t handle this anymore. I never wanted to be linked again!” No amount of Satoru’s projected calm could shield him from this. “But there’s nothing I can do about that now. I’ve already gone and ruined your life, too. You’re perfect. Your record would have been perfect, but now there’s this stain on it forever. Even when you get a new link and better scores and jobs, you’ll always have to explain away the loser who gave you 78.7%, I—” Kagesawa choked.

“Um,” Satoru re-grabbed his hand to stop him. When Kagesawa glanced at him, Satoru looked a little embarrassed. “I have to admit I kinda wanted to hear that, but now that you said it, I feel bad.” He smiled. Kagesawa frowned. “Look, I didn’t mean to make you feel guilty for causing me grief. I was saying that because I’m invested enough to stick around regardless of the shit that’s thrown at me. You’ve got issues? We’ve got issues. Let’s try to figure them out together.” Satoru patted him on the shoulder. As the tension eased, Kagesawa’s shoulders slumped.

“You’re really something.” He wanted to hug Satoru for being so precious.

“Go ahead.”

What? Really? Well, why not, with explicit permission… Kagesawa pulled Satoru into his arms and squeezed. “We need to do something about this link. It’s not right that you can read me this well,” he mumbled, inhaling the scent of Satoru’s shirt.

“Maybe tomorrow. I’m exhausted.”

“Aaa—! Shit, you’re still projecting! You can stop, I’m fine now.”

“I just wanted to make sure.” Satoru became serious for a moment. “If you want me to do that again, all you have to do is ask.”