Pandion (Genera #1)

Chapter 26

B y the time Kagesawa realised it was getting late, Satoru was no longer around.

Was the inattentiveness getting worse? As far as Kagesawa was aware, DEFD wasn’t supposed to be a progressive disorder. Having to dampen took some effort, so perhaps between that and the conversation he was having, a third thing was too much to ask? He’d declined the drinks to make sure he was doing a proper job, but he’d underestimated how tired he was.

Since Satoru had apparently already left, it didn’t make sense to stick around, even if the tech discussion had been a welcome but bittersweet distraction. He thanked his present company and excused himself.

Kagesawa had a rough idea of the direction he was supposed to go, but the exact route to their assigned rooms was a mystery. It would have been easy to ask Satoru, but this was not a big enough emergency to risk projecting. It would take a little longer, but he’d find it on his own, and if he was lucky, Satoru would be asleep by the time he got there.

Following the signage, Kagesawa found himself up on the skybridge. No matter how absent-minded he was, the view from up here was too spectacular to miss, so he was fairly sure this was not the route he’d taken with Satoru.

According to the information plaque at the lifts, he was 75 metres above ground, two-thirds up the height of the two buildings. Where he stood, he could see the front entrance of the campus, all the way to the river and somewhat beyond.

The grounds were empty save for one or two people bracing themselves through the gusts of wind, hurrying back to their dorm rooms. There was no one save for Kagesawa on this floor or the skybridge. It was quiet.

The lights had been turned down for the night, with only the guiding strips along the corridors lit. The skybridge branches were aglow and visible, and it was easier to appreciate the effect from this relative darkness.

Kagesawa walked onto the bridge and to a vantage point where he could see the dorm he was supposed to be heading to, along with a chunk of the park and its billowing trees. Outside the campus, there were some signs of disarray, but the weather had probably played some part in it. It was supposed to be spring even if the chill of the past two days hadn’t really reflected it.

The wind died down for a moment and, for a moment, Kagesawa felt calm. It had been an extraordinarily long day.

What was he anyway, an immature brat? As soon as something was forbidden, it was all he could think about. He was perpetually tempted to stop dampening to seek out Satoru, to scratch that out-of-reach itch.

At least this moment of calm finally gave him a breather from obsessing over the fate of the feedback loop. Even if they managed to suppress the organism somehow, the feedback loop was probably a thing of the past. It was a shame, but after grieving for it most of the evening, he figured he’d learn to live without it.

As for the link itself, he’d mentally prepared himself for life without it when he’d ripped off the port, but he wasn’t sure he’d be able to let go of it as easily again. Would things still be even remotely the same without the link and its influence? Satoru had certainly mentioned it many enough times: this was all Kagesawa. He was the one initiating it. Satoru was more of a passenger.

Presumably he would have left if he’d absolutely hated it, but maybe without the link it would be more of a nuisance? Kagesawa was well aware he could be ‘a bit much’, so how much was too much? How much did he need to tone it down? What was still acceptable?

He leaned over the handrail and pulled at his hair out of frustration. Ah dammit, this really wasn’t the time for this. He needed to stop being such an arse and snap out of i—

“Are you all right?” Satoru’s question thoroughly startled Kagesawa to the point he nearly fell over.

“Sh— f— Satoru! When did you get here?”

“Just now.” He was a little out of breath, so his arrival should have been obvious. “Did you want to be left alone? I can leave. I was worried since you were taking so long, but if you’re OK…”

“I’m fine. I just have a lot on my mind.”

“If you’re worried about the organism, we can meet up with Hase-sensei and Fujitani-sensei tomorrow to discuss it. We’ll think of something.”

“Yes, sure.” Was he still wearing the suit? Yes, yes, he was. Tie included. Kagesawa turned his focus to the view ahead. Trees. A statue. Streetlights. Anything but Satoru.

“All right, well…” He was about to turn and leave, right? Go already, go! Kagesawa gripped the handrail, knuckles turning white. “...don’t disappear on me again.” Satoru’s voice sounded weaker yet more urgent than usual.

Kagesawa couldn’t not look.

In this light, it was difficult to see his face properly, but something was definitely off.

“Look, I’ve got to make sure. Do you mean that in earnest, or is it a backward hint that I should leave?” Kagesawa knew he was prone to missing hints and couldn’t afford to misread this one. Maybe if he stopped dampening for a second, it’d be more clear. He didn’t dare.

“There’s no hidden meaning. I’m scared shitless you’ll leave.” Satoru’s words didn’t leave much room for interpretation, but without seeing his face and feeling him through the link, they sounded unreal. He wouldn’t lie, though, would he? Why would he?

“I wasn’t going to.” Although for the time being, that might have been the smart choice. Satoru was right there. All he had to do was reach out.

“You’ve been distant all day, especially since you started dampening. It’s felt like you might off and disappear at any moment. I know we can’t use the link, but could you tell me if something’s wrong? Is it Takazaki? Is it this place, or Yajima? I’ve come to realise I can’t read you at all after relying on the link for so long.” Satoru took a step closer, seemingly to catch a better look at Kagesawa’s face.

“Ah, yeah, there’s something, but you don’t have to worry about it.” He was most certainly not going to open up about it. This was not the time or the place. Not when there were so many more appropriate things he should have been thinking about under these circumstances.

“How can I not worry about it, though?”

“It’s been a long day. You should sleep. I’ll be right there.”

“I’ll wait here if that’s all right with you.”

What a sweet sentiment, but hell no. Kagesawa searched for the right words to no avail. Instead, a vivid mental image of ripping off that suit, pinning Satoru between himself and the glass and giving in to the feedback loop came to mind. Maybe if he stared intently off into the distance as a meditative exercise to ignore Satoru’s presence…?

A hand was placed on his. He tried to distance himself from the sensation, but it was clearly Satoru’s hand. The likelihood of a disembodied limb turning up from thin air was, after all, nonexistent. One option was to start an argument, but when all he wanted to do was kiss Satoru until he was too tired to even speak, he found it difficult to force himself to fight.

Of course, the prospect of Satoru pinning him against the glass wall in anger was even better. Was there a chance he could do something like that while dampening without it escalating?

The chances weren’t great based on past experience, but it also didn’t seem impossible. Would Satoru happen to be in the mood at all? He seemed to be in a vulnerable place right now. This whole hand-holding thing didn’t seem compatible with the ripping and the ramming that Kagesawa was thinking of.

Maybe he needed to suck it up and say it out loud. How bad could it be?

“I could use a little time to myself,” he began.

“Oh?” Satoru sounded disappointed. He removed his hand. “All right…”

“A little space, to clear my head.”

“I understand.”

“I mean, if I’m trying to be an adult about it, I should be alone right now. Really, I’d much rather have you here.”

“Huh?”

“I’d much rather have you ***** your **** and maybe also ******* up my *** while you’re ****ing my ****. Then ***** me against that glass over there until I scream for mercy, but I realise this is not the time or the place.”

“What?”

“I don’t know if I can dampen reliably if you’re *****ing my ****, so there’s that. But I can’t get it out of my mind. I mean, I might be able to multitask, but I’d be pretty damn distracted with your **** in my ****, so really, I’m hoping you could pick that up if I lose concentration… I mean, if you’re up for it. You’re probably not up for it, hence, I could use some time alone to clear my head.” There. That was the most of it.

“Are you drunk?”

“No.”

“I don’t know.” It wasn’t an outright no. “My **** in your ****? You really liked that? Seems a bit extreme.”

“That was one of the best parts. I wish I could do that with the link open to demonstrate what that does to me.”

“I don’t know if I can ***** your **** at the same time. Is that even physically possible?”

“It was just a thought.”

“Let me get this straight. You’ve been thinking about this all day? Even at dinner when you seemed depressed?”

“Especially at dinner. It’s that damn suit. It’s driving me crazy.”

“It’s a suit. I’ve worn suits before.”

“Not for a while now. And not since I’ve been looking.” Kagesawa sighed. “It’s not the suit.”

“Make up your mind.”

“It’s the aura you have in that suit. And not knowing what you’re thinking. You could be about to tie me up with that tie and **** my **** for all I know. I know you probably won’t, but not knowing for sure is feeding my imagination.” He followed the trails of lights below, hoping to distract himself. Something other than death or sex. He took a deep breath. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Maybe it’s the organism, maybe I’m broken. It’s not your problem. I’ll be fine in a bit. I just need a moment.”

Kagesawa could have been spouting nonsense, and it probably wouldn’t have made a difference. In this light, with his profile barely visible as he leaned with his forearms on the handrail and looked out into the distance, he looked like someone else.

“I could use a cig,” he said. He glanced at Harumine and added, “I know, I know. I quit for a reason.”

“When?” It must have been well before they’d met since Harumine had never sensed him craving one.

“To tell you the truth, it’s not been that long.”

‘He does tend to lie a lot’

“I picked it up for a while again after I ripped off the port, but it didn’t quite taste the same.”

‘He’s really good at it too.’

“I didn’t think you’d approve.”

It wasn’t the subject matter that shocked Harumine. It was that he hadn’t suspected it at all. There were so many times he’d wished Kagesawa had been better at keeping his shit to himself… if he was this good at it, was all that ‘leakage’ intentional?

‘It wouldn’t surprise me if he’s cooked up a sob story for you to throw you off his scent.’

What scent? What was he after? Had all of this been a ruse? Had he used Harumine to gain access to something here on campus? Was he capable of planning something that elaborate? Where had he disappeared to all those times?

For a moment there, Harumine had entertained the thought of giving some of Kagesawa’s lewd suggestions a go, but if that was all just a scheme to throw him off his scent…

How had he not noticed anything before? Something like smoking should have been obvious, even if he’d quit. Had he missed it because of the DEFD? Some sort of an interference due to there being two organisms? What?

“Forget I said anything.”

Could he be that manipulative? Surely not? With a sickening feeling at the pit of his stomach, Harumine traced Kagesawa’s line of sight to the front entrance of the University.

Could all of it be intentional? The dramatics of the port removal to provide a distraction, leaking the information to instigate the recent violence, Yajima disappearing and turning up… Where was Yajima right now?

“Are you sure it’s not already too late?” Harumine asked.

“What do you mean?”

“Are you doing it on purpose, or is it controlling you? Is someone using it to control you? Is it Yajima? Did Takazaki find out? What does it want from us?”

“What? I don’t quite follow. Can you start over?” Kagesawa turned to look.

“Quit the act and tell me.”

“Tell you what? What’s this about?”

He was certainly very good at playing dumb.

“Why did we come here?”

“To find out if there’s something that can be done about slowing down the growth?”

“You’re working on something with Yajima. You’re looking for something, right?”

“What? What does Yajima have to do with anything?”

“I may be slow, but I’m not an idiot. Release the link.”

“Um, no.”

“Release it. If you’ve got nothing to hide, let me feel it. I don’t care how good you are at lying. If I’m looking for it, I will be able to tell.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Do it!” Harumine grabbed Kagesawa by the arm. It was no wonder having it dampened for so long had been screwing with him. He must have sensed that something was wrong. He should have trusted his instincts long ago!

Kagesawa frowned, his eyes now on Harumine. He looked tortured, no doubt because his jig was up.

“I really don’t think I should, but if you absolutely want me to…”

“Let go, goddammit!” Harumine squeezed his arm.

The initial sensation from the link being released was relief. It was briefly replaced by confusion and then overwhelm as it became apparent why Kagesawa had been adamant to keep dampening.

“Holy shit.” Harumine staggered backwards as blood rushed through his body. Kagesawa grabbed a hold of him before he fell over. There was no ‘I told you so’, but his face was saying everything save for the exact words.

“Do it,” was what he said instead.

Harumine yanked off his tie, held it by the ends and pushed it between Kagesawa’s teeth, the force pushing the man back and against the handrail and glass wall behind them.

Harder. He was holding on to the handrail but did not resist. Harumine kissed him regardless of the tie still in his mouth. His breath was hot. The wordless instructions were clear.

I can’t… that’s not safe… Shit. It was so easy to get carried away when he was like this.

Please.

“Not with the fucking tie.” Harumine threw it off and applied pressure onto Kagesawa’s neck with his hands.

He was met with the feeling of complete trust as the restriction of blood flow to his brain made Kagesawa light-headed to the point of almost passing out. Harumine released the hold.

Kagesawa leaned forward to kiss him and a rush of delirious euphoria flooded through the link causing an unbridled, intense feedback loop. Harumine slammed his hands against the cool glass behind Kagesawa in a desperate effort to break free from it, but it was half-hearted and too late.

Make it count.