Pansies (Spires #4)

Chapter Seventeen

Chapter Seventeen

1 . Paragraph begins with: A rough, exasperated sigh.

Alexis: And we’re back on the queerphobia carousel. Weeee.

This one is complicated because I think living with this sort of generalised queerphobia is something you kind of get used to or desensitised to by just, you know, being alive and queer in the world. And that’s probably a good self-protection strategy: Fen is not wrong here, when he points out he has more to care about than the thoughtless cruelty of some randoms. I think that’s important.

But I also think Fen might have been slightly conditioned to passivity/resilience because of his childhood experiences and that Alfie is right not to necessarily simply accept this kind of thing as inevitable or unchangeable, because if you do, you run the risk of normalising it. And there’s nothing “normal” about bigotry in any form.

2 . Paragraph begins with: “I’m not,” he lied.

Alexis: I know I’ve already spoken a bit about dialect and accent, but I did want to demonstrate Alfie code-switching, sometimes unconsciously. Like, he’s gone more Geordie here because he’s flustered.

3 . Paragraph begins with: Fen shrugged. “Oh, I don’t know.”

Alexis: I kind of feel the same way as Fen, honestly. There was originally a longer section here about all the ways this version of Les Misérables doesn’t work. But then—even though Fen and I share similar ideas about musicals—I realised I was just holding forth about Les Mis through a fictional character. Which again, is not something anybody is reading my books for. And is also not fair to the fictional character, since they need to be an authentic representation of who they are, not a mouthpiece for the author (irrespective of whether the author agrees or disagrees with them).

4 . Paragraph begins with: Fen’s eyes glittered at him.

Alexis: As I said earlier, I didn’t want Alfie and Fen’s past to just vanish or get “resolved” (whatever that would mean or look like), but I did want them to revisit it in different ways as their relationship developed. In this case, tentatively playfully, with Fen able to use Alfie’s size and strength—his capacity to physically overwhelm Fen—for his own pleasure. Rather than having them being used against him.

5 . Paragraph begins with: “Oh Fen.” The words escaped before he could stop them.

Alexis: Okay. No. This is the most Shields line.

6 . Paragraph begins with: “Gerroff me, you fucking…”

Alexis: I’m usually really careful with how I use slurs in my work. In this case, I kind of deliberately gave them to a child because…well. Kind of the thing about children is they don’t have an adult’s understanding. I’m not defending this awful kid, but I don’t think his intent is to hurt exactly. I think he’s just being a kid, which involves being destructive sometimes. From my perspective, it’s very much a playing with a match because bored or curious or indifferent or wanting attention or simply to do something and suddenly setting the house on fire type situation.

7 . Paragraph begins with: He gritted his teeth, adjusting his hold…

Alexis: The theme of “teaching” is kind of running deliberately through this scene because I kind of wanted readers to remember that—even though this kid is a little shit—prejudices are learned. They’re not inherent to bad people or bad kids.

8 . Paragraph begins with: “It’s all right for you,” he heard himself shout.

Alexis: Poor Alfie really does say every rubbish thing like he’s playing Internalised Queerphobia Bingo. But I think he’s reacting to a lot things here—his mother today, his family in general, all the conflicts he feels—and taking them out on Fen when he’s really just scared and hurt.