Perfect (Love in Yorkshire #1)

Fourteen

The drive to the coast was a vast improvement on my last two experiences in Connor’s car.

We spoke about a variety of topics and I was really enjoying myself. It felt comfortable and the banter flowed naturally between us. The old animosity had well and truly gone now and I was grateful that he had started to open up more.

I told him about my exams and he explained how he’d dropped out of school and didn’t have any GCSEs. It didn’t bother me as there were other routes to travel career wise and he was already well involved with the farm. I also knew he was naturally intelligent, mature and a hard worker. After what had happened to him as a child, he’d had to grow up fast.

Connor was encouraging about my idea of studying teaching and the fact that this could bring me to Yorkshire on a more permanent basis was now even more appealing to me.

I thought about my mum and how disappointed she’d be if I did say I wanted to study away. No doubt she’d get over it though given time and at least she had Phil on the scene now.

Connor pulled the Ranger into a parking place, high above the sea and then unclipped his seat belt.

“Let’s do this,” he said, leaning across me and releasing my belt. He was so bossy and always in control, but I liked it.

We both climbed from the car; the sun was starting to set but it still cast a pretty glow across the ocean and the breeze was fairly gentle considering how the sea was crashing against the rocks beneath us.

Connor took my hand and walked me over to a gap in the fence where there were steps leading downwards.

I glanced at my shoes with a frown. Strappy sandals were not the right choice of footwear for tackling those fairly steep steps. I’d had an image of walking hand in hand on the beach, but it appeared we needed to hike down there first.

Following my focus, Connor cocked his head and also glanced purposefully down at my feet, before looking back at me with an unimpressed eyebrow.

“ Yes , I know, not the best idea I get it,” I grunted. Annoyed at myself .

“Take off your shoes,” he commanded, his deep voice firm. It sent another flutter of heat across my skin which had nothing to do with the sun.

I did as he instructed and stood before him on the top step, sandals in hand, awaiting his next move.

“Jump on,” Connor beckoned and turned to offer me his broad back. OMG, he’s offering a piggyback and he’s only recently recovered from busted ribs, the guy was mental.

“Connor, I don’t think —.”

He cut me off. “Don’t think, don’t speak, just climb on and I’ll do the rest.”

He was very determined and I caved, shoving my sandals into my rucksack before carefully climbing onto his back. I had to step on the fence to give myself a boost, he was so tall.

I curled my denim short-clad legs around his waist, totally aware of every inch of my body. I tingled where we touched and held my breath.

Connor grabbed my legs with his arms to secure me. It was difficult to get my head around the fact that Connor was now between my legs and the thought sent my pulse racing.

I placed my arms around his neck and held on for dear life as he negotiated the rocky steps. As we ascended, I noted the concrete was severely corroded from the tide, I sure hoped they were safe.

It was fairly quiet, just the sounds of the sea and Connor’s breathing. My breasts were pressed against the solid muscle of his back and they felt heavy somehow.

“Connor, are you sure you’re OK to carry me?” I said into his good ear.

“I’m fine, you weigh, like, nothing.”

I knew he’d have no problem carrying me under normal circumstances, he was so strong and I was tiny but the guy did have busted ribs and bruising almost everywhere.

He carried me easily. We had a few wobbly moments which caused a bit of relieved chuckling here and there.

As we approached the bottom, I could smell the salt from the sea. We rounded a corner and then travelled down the last few steps and it opened up onto a secluded sandy cove. It was perfect. There was one other person there walking his dog. The waves swept up and down the beach like a caress .

Connor placed me on the sand, it was cool against my toes and I scrunched my feet up to feel the warm grains against my skin.

We looked out to sea for a minute before Connor caught me around the waist and tugged me towards him, his eyes watching my lips before he lowered his head and kissed me. A dog barked in the distance and when his lips met mine, nothing else mattered.

The breath was almost yanked from my lungs as our mouths moved together, greedily, like they had been craving the contact for so long.

His kiss was demanding and as usual, he took control, his hands moving along my back and then up into my hair. I wanted him to carry on kissing me more than I wanted air. It felt so perfect and I pushed myself up onto my tip toes to give him deeper access.

I imagine we stood there on the sand in the sea air, locked together for quite some time but it still wasn’t enough. I was alive when he was touching me and I wanted more, so much more.

I moaned my disappointment against his mouth as he drew away.

Connor stared down into my upturned face, running his thumb down my cheek, a content expression on his face. I looked up into his eyes, thinking how long his eyelashes were for a boy.

“You’re so sweet, pure. You don’t really belong with me Harlow,” he said, his voice husky from our kiss.

I smiled reassuringly. “I can be annoying when I want to be,” I put back gently with a smile.

His grin was brief.

“You shouldn’t want me. I’m not an easy person to be with. I’m moody. I get irritable quickly and struggle with my temper. Especially when I’m off my medication.”

I pulled back slightly and pushed a chunk of hair back from my eyes. His voice was suddenly quite grave.

“I don’t care, I’m done pretending and as for your moods, I think I’ve seen my fair share, I know what to expect now and it doesn’t scare me,” I replied, running my hands up his chest to rest them there .

Connor placed his own hands on the top of mine. Covering them with his strong fingers, it made me feel safe.

“Why were you so mean to me when we met?” I questioned shyly, not sure I wanted to hear the answer. If he had genuinely thought me a self-involved princess with nothing to say for herself, it would have made me sad.

He half shrugged, unsure himself it appeared.

“I think it must have been a self-preservation thing. I resented you before we’d even met.”

My brow creased at that. “Really?”

He nodded, running his thumb gently across my fingers, almost like he was apologising. “I was probably jealous. Mike talked about you all the time, day and night. He cared so much about you. I’d never had that from my dad. I guess I craved it. When he showed me your picture, you were so fucking perfect, it wound me up even more. Then when I saw you at the party, I felt an immediate attraction and that also pissed me off. I felt out of control again. Not necessarily the way I’d felt as a kid, but I didn’t like the way it made me feel. I can’t stand weakness.

You lit up the room, I made sure I kept my distance and sat as far away from you as I could on purpose, so as not to let you in. I remember the way everyone hung on your every word and I knew I needed to mess with you. Like a boy who pulls the wings off daddy-long legs and enjoys watching them suffer. As I said, so fucking perfect.” He paused for thought, obviously troubled by his past behaviour and snap judgements. “I was a dick. Forgive me?” He said, taking my hand.

“I’d forgive you anything, even the Natalie’s of this world,” I replied with a smile. I popped her name in there to see how he reacted.

He grimaced. “So, she told you. Thought she would. That is most definitely over. Want to paddle?” he suddenly said and I barked out a laugh. Connor was so spontaneous and I relished the opportunity to be childlike with him.

“I thought you’d never ask.”

We raced over to the water and I dropped my bag and watched Connor as he removed his trainers. I helped him roll up the bottom of his jeans and he complained that I was tickling him. He had large calf muscles and my hand brushed against the hair on his legs.

I tried to help him to his feet and he almost pulled me over, he was so much larger than me. We laughed and crashed into each other and he occasionally pecked me on the lips. It felt so loving that my heart must have swollen to twice its usual size in my chest.

We walked hand in hand over to the edge of the water as it lapped the sand, it was icy against my feet but I ploughed further in until the sea caressed my almost non-existent calf muscles.

We laughed, splashing around and spoke about our past experiences at the beach and the places we had travelled. Connor explained that he intended to run his own farm one day and that my dad had offered to help him get started. It didn’t bother me. I wanted my father to help him. We briefly spoke about Natalie again and he did so with no feeling at all, I understood that she’d just been a release for him, a distraction. He spoke about Ella like a little sister and how they’d confided in each other and my jealousy about this also started to fade.

We shared a few more passionate kisses whilst the water splashed against our legs. It was perfect in every way.

The tide was coming in and approaching where we’d left our stuff and so we left the water and headed back up the beach towards our exit route.

Connor explained that when he moved to the farm two years ago, he’d found this particular cove and that he visited often when he needed some alone time. This was the place he’d escaped to the night he’d the fight with his mother. Not to Natalie as I had first assumed, thank God.

He said he’d found it hard when his mother and my dad first got together but after a few months, eventually got used to the idea. He also explained that it had been obvious that my dad was the right guy for Rachel. He was so calm and didn’t have an aggressive bone in his body. Connor said Mike didn’t even raise his voice in an argument.

The Mike he was describing was not the father I remember growing up. My mum and dad used to go at it like two crazy people at times. Although merely in a vocal way .

It was all about being with the right person and I too felt that I had found mine. I was the soft to his hard, the gentle to his tough. Surely, we evened each other out?

In the car on the way home, I fell asleep feeling the happiest and most content I have in months.

Connor woke me gently by rubbing my shoulder and I squinted from the light coming into the car from the house. It appeared someone was still up. We’d left a note to say we’d gone for a drive and so it wasn’t like we hadn’t told anyone.

It was dark outside and as we walked to the house; I experienced a moment of guilt as I wondered what our parents would say if they’d seen us on the beach together. Behaving like a boyfriend and girlfriend. I batted off the thought. There was no point worrying about it as I had to go home in a few days.

That thought sank like lead in my stomach. I had one more year of school to get through. How would I cope without him?

As we got to the door, Connor kissed my mouth and said he’d see me in the morning. He said something about needing diesel and I didn’t question him further. I didn’t want to come over like a bunny boiler who needed to track his every move. Connor would hate being smothered.

As I made my way in through the front door, I heard Connor start the car and drive off. The light was still on in the hall but it was dead quiet.

I started to remove my sandals, my toes still had sand on them and it reminded me of our perfect evening together.

I attempted to swallow a cocktail of guilt and misery over the thought of leaving again but decided to shelve the feelings about going back home for now. I needed to establish why I felt guilty being with Connor when it also felt so right.

As I rolled it around my head, I realised that it wasn’t because our parents were married. I certainly didn’t see Connor as a sibling. It was the sneaking around part; you constantly felt like you were looking over your shoulder. I imagined that is what Ella and Ryan would feel like.

As for Connor and I. What were we? No label had been made. He hadn’t asked me to be his girlfriend or anything.

I approached the stairs, lost in thought as Rachel appeared from Dad’s study.

“Did you have a nice time?” she asked in a low voice .

She had a tone that I couldn’t quite put my finger on.

“Yes, thank you. It was great,” I answered and threw her a shy smile, suddenly feeling uneasy.

Her next words were even harder to read.

“I hope you know what you’re doing Harlow,” she began. “Some men are not easy to love.”

I turned to face her. My expression was purposefully guarded but said.

“I know, but I have to try.” Laying my heart open.

She smiled and nodded her understanding, but I could see she was worried.

I had known Connor a matter of months, but I knew when the fight broke out that I was in love with him. Full-on, hard-hitting love, and I was terrified of being hurt but I had to go with it.

I could feel Rachel’s eyes drilling into me as I said goodnight and headed up the stairs. She was right, but I was lost and there was no turning back. Life has no undo button.

I needed Connor Barratt like I needed the air in my lungs.

*****

The last few weeks of my summer holiday flew by at an alarming speed and the thought of going home and leaving Connor was now making me feel sick on a daily basis.

We kept our hands off each other when we were in company, but I witnessed Rachel and my dad exchange knowing glances. They knew something was going on. I imagine most of our friends also had an idea, as they too exchanged enough looks behind our backs, ones they thought we didn’t see.

Eventually, we held hands going into the pub which was witnessed by Tom and Ella who were there eating supper with their parents one night.

Tom was very quiet for a couple of days afterwards but then must have gotten used to the idea, especially when a new girl started working at his practice. She was called Lucy Meadows. I saw her from a distance in Tom’s car one evening. She had bright red hair and from what he said, she sounded really sweet. Possibly just what he needed .

On the night before I was due to leave, Rachel and my father had purposefully eaten out, probably to give Connor and me some time alone together.

We were downstairs in the floral room, with the fire lit. The flames bounced shadows across the leather-bound books. It was so romantic and special.

Connor was wearing jogging pants and a tee and I was in my shorty PJs. I was laid with my back against his chest and we were talking about the next time we would see each other.

My mother and Phil were going to the coast during the half term in October and it was the plan for Connor to travel down and stay at mine whilst my mum was away. I wasn’t sure if I’d ask my mum or whether I’d smuggle him in. It was one of those wait-and-see plans.

As I snuggled into him, enjoying the fact that we had the house to ourselves, I ran my fingers up his thigh. A mixture of nervous emotion and excitement thrummed within me. My heart was fluttering like a bird against my ribcage and Connor twisted his head to peer down at me.

I moved my hand further along his leg but he stopped my fingers as they fell short of my intended target. Uncertainty bubbled inside me and I craned my head to meet his gaze, unsure of what to do next.

He stroked the back of my hand and dropped a quick kiss on my lips.

“Not here and not now. The timing has to be perfect,” Connor whispered.

It felt pretty perfect to me, well apart from the fact that our parents could actually appear at any moment.

He manoeuvred himself on the sofa so we were facing each other. My legs half draped over his so I sat sideways on his lap.

“I can’t actually believe I’m saying this. You know I want to. So, fucking much it’s insane, but I want your first time to be right. Not here and certainly not on the sofa or the floor. The first time I fuck you will be perfect Harlow.”

My braless nipples pebbled against my top at the strength of those words. I had never wanted a boy like I wanted Connor.

“We could go upstairs.” My voice was thick, it didn’t sound like me.

“No Harlow. Not when you’re leaving tomorrow. That would be a major head-fuck, for both of us.”

“Will it hurt the first time?” I questioned, deep in thought again .

He exhaled and shifted slightly. Was our discussion making him hard? I imagined it was. The thought made me feel powerful.

“I will make it good for you Harlow, you can trust me. We’ll take it slow.”

A sliver of relief seeped into me. I wanted to sleep with him, but he was right, I wasn’t fully ready to have sex for the first time and then be separated from the guy I’d given my virginity to. Being intimate in that most special way and then not being able to be together for a month would be unbearable surely.

He pulled me further onto his lap and kissed me. It was deep, loving, and totally sexy and I moved against him, feeling his blatant hard-on against my bottom as his tongue drove into my mouth.

He groaned as I moved and drew his head back, knowingly grinning at me.

“That’s for another time,” he chuckled; his eyes heavy with desire and my pulse skyrocketed. The fact that he wanted to wait, made me love him even more.

For at least another hour before our parents arrived back, we fell asleep together on the sofa and were awakened when a car’s headlights shone in through the window.

Connor gently pushed my legs off his and stood, pulling me to my feet. I looked up at him dreamily.

“What are you thinking?” he questioned softly, touching my face with his fingertips.

I peeped up at him as my expression was replaced with a saucy look.

“They were another forty minutes. We could have fit it in,” I pointed out with a mischievous wink.

An amused look spread over his features and he slowly shook his head.

“Not the way I do it. That wouldn’t even cover foreplay,” he boasted playfully.

I blushed a full-on girlie blush.

“I’ll hold you to that,” I replied with a naughty look, accidentally-on-purpose catching him ‘there’ with my hand. His voice caught in his throat at the contact.

At that moment, I felt thoroughly feminine and enjoyed the power that came with it. I was confident and felt less like an inexperienced schoolgirl.

Leaning up, I pecked him on the cheek and slid from the room quickly, having now most definitely given him something to think about .

“Maybe lock your door?” Connor warned in a smoky voice before I jetted up the stairs to my room.

As I lay in bed that night, I held my breath as I heard Connor pass my room, wondering if he’d try the handle.

He didn’t, and I wasn’t sure how I felt about that.

*****

The morning I had been dreading had come. I said goodbye to Dad and Rachel and thanked them for giving me the best summer ever. Tears were involved and even Dad was upset, not bawling his eyes out, but I spotted some moisture.

Connor drove me to the station and he was deathly quiet in the car. I felt like I was slowly dying. October half-term seemed ages away.

The car journey felt so short and there was so little time left. My heart was aching and I knew he felt it too from his body language.

At the platform, he took my face in his hands and kissed me, promising to call me every day and I felt tears sting my eyes (again). His last image of me would be red-eyed with snot running down my nose, knowing my luck.

We both stared at each other as the announcement was made to signal my train was about to leave. Connor had briefly boarded to put my case in the rack. How things had changed from when I’d first arrived.

We stood there on the platform.

“Time to go,” he said, his voice sounded pained and I knew he too was struggling.

“I could just stay?” I put in weakly, feeling severely depressed and knowing I had to get with the program. This was real life, people got together and had to go away to study or to work, it’s what happened. I knew I couldn’t just chuck away my schooling over a boy. Even one I was in love with.

He was firm with his reply. “No, you need to finish your exams or you’ll have wasted the first year. I’ll FaceTime you tonight and I’ll see you in October and fuck it, I’ll probably be down sooner than you think. May have a few cows with me though. And I mean the furry ones on all fours. ”

I smiled weakly but at that point I didn’t care. I just needed to be with him. “But this is where you are, so it’s where I want to be.”

“And you will be. We’ll make it work Harlow.” It was as if he could hear my heart breaking. Inside I was screaming.

A thousand thoughts were racing around in my head and I felt like my world was being ripped away. I started to feel sick again and panicky and I took a deep breath and hugged him, taking in that heady scent.

“Here.” Connor gently pulled my arms from around his neck and uncurled my fingers before placing a small envelope in my hand. I looked up at him, puzzled and then went to open it.

“No, it’s for the train.”

I tried again and he stopped me a second time with his hand on mine, so I gave in and pushed it into my pocket.

“I’ll call you later. You’d better pick up.” I said feebly, now feeling anything but confident. Where had the girl from last night gone?

“Harlow, you’re only a few hours away. And yes, I’ll pick up. I want to introduce you to other things we can do together on the phone.”

He winked suggestively and I grinned, probably still blushing at his words.

“See you.”

“Yeah. See you,” he mirrored.

As I turned to get on the train, I twisted back to face him and caught his expression. He wasn’t as calm as he was attempting to appear, I saw the strain on his face.

“I love you,” I mouthed and he smiled, his eyes igniting.

I stepped back and the doors closed with a sense of finality, the train slowly moving away from the platform. My heart ripped in two as the first boy I had ever loved was swept away.

I must have stood by the door staring at the flashing countryside for well over five minutes before I headed to find my row.

Lowering myself into seat 13B, I realised that I was, by coincidence sat in the seat where the book-engrossed woman I had thrown ham at had been. I thought back to that first day. I remembered travelling over to Pickering, those ill thoughts about Connor and nervous knots about seeing my father thrumming through me .

I managed a smile; thinking back to the girl I had been. Fresh-faced, probably a bit too full of herself, worried about the little things and so stressed at the thought of seeing her father again.

My time on the farm had changed me and I swallowed down the pain at the thought of being distanced from Connor.

I was tough, I could do this. I had to think about myself too.

When I was back at college next week people would sit up and take notice of the real me. I was a Williams and I was determined to make my mark. I’d work my fucking brains out and get the highest grades possible to allow me to be successful in my own right. The better grades I got, the more opportunities I’d have. I’d make my mother, father, and Connor proud and the Samantha Jones types of this world could go fuck themselves. As could the silly school boys who panted after her. Adapting myself to fit in was no longer an option. They would see the real Harlow Williams.

I was also on my way home to my mother, much wiser about life in general and in a real relationship, well, sort of. Although I had told Connor I loved him.

To be painfully honest, I wasn’t really sure what our relationship was. So much had been unspoken but I’d needed him to know how I felt. I didn’t regret putting it out there. I could see how those three special words had affected him.

The train rattled along the track but this time I didn’t feel any motion sickness.

I had grown this summer, gone were the thoughts about looks and material shit. I didn’t even intend on replacing my iPhone which now had a massive crack in it after dropping it during the episode with Connor’s dad.

I was now more confident and felt comfortable in my own skin. As I said, the new me. She was tougher too. The silly stuff didn’t matter anymore.

As the train entered the tunnel, I remembered the envelope Connor had given me and slid it from my pocket.

I carefully ripped it open. It was a note. The words flickered as light dipped in and out of the carriage. The train shot from the tunnel and my spirits lifted with it.

Will you be my girlfriend?

My heart soared with immense pleasure and I dragged the words to my chest, hiding them from nosy eyes, this was mine , those words were just for me.

I must have had the biggest grin on my face and just when I thought my lips couldn’t get any wider, I turned the paper over and had a second surprise.

I love you.

I inhaled sharply. I was so happy, I wanted to scream into the carriage.

A few people glanced at me with knowing eyes and I shot them a shy smile.

I pulled out my phone and texted my new boyfriend my reply.

YES! XXXXX

My life was now officially… perfect.

THE END