Playboy For Hire

10. Quinn

10

QUINN

I woke to an empty bedroom. The windows were closed, but it felt cold. The muted, soft light of morning suffused the room as I pushed up in bed. I tilted my head back against the headboard, my hand lying on the mattress where Ryder had been last night.

He’d left without saying goodbye.

I sighed. I probably should have expected that. It was my own fault for getting my hopes up.

I tried to smile, tried to tell myself that last night was fun, and I should just appreciate that. But a thread of sorrow wormed its way through my chest, like I’d lost something I hadn’t even known I’d had.

I went through my morning routine. Got up, brushed my teeth, showered, and dressed. It wasn’t until I got to my kitchen to make coffee that I saw the note Ryder had left.

That thread of sorrow exploded, threatening to bring tears to my eyes. Stupid. But my whole chest felt delicate, like the slightest touch might shatter me.

Ryder had told me last night he didn’t have an early class this morning. Did he remember that? Did he realize his note was so transparent? It felt cruel, but maybe that was what he wanted. To grind his message in.

Last night was fun ? Sure. If he really felt that way, he’d still be here. No, he was probably just trying to spare my feelings and not look like a homophobe. That was the charitable interpretation, anyway.

I reminded myself that Ryder had never been intentionally mean in the past. That he was probably just trying to make a clean break.

Dammit. I knew I shouldn’t have kissed him back.

A new, worse thought occurred to me. What if it wasn’t the gay stuff that turned Ryder off? What if it was me ? Maybe he would be perfectly happy to hook up with a guy again, as long as it was someone different.

Hadn’t he basically said as much last night?

Oh, God. Had I seemed needy, saying we should take it slow? Had he figured out that meant I hoped there would be a next time? How pathetic.

He was probably using me as a test drive. He knew I wanted him and knew I’d say yes. I was just a set of training wheels, and now he was off to better things.

I crumpled his note and threw it in the trash.

A week later, I still hadn’t heard from Ryder, and I was beginning to suspect I never would. His ‘ see ya ’ hadn’t meant anything. I was dumb for thinking he might still want to be friends.

“Quinn, honey, it’s your turn,” Auntie Thea said.

I was sitting at a table with her, Violet, and their friend Marjie in the conservatory at Swannvale, playing bridge. I was having a tough time keeping my mind on the game, though. I looked down at the cards on the table and played the Jack of Clubs, taking the trick.

“That’s my boy,” Thea said, puffing up with pride.

“I still think you’re counting cards,” Violet said.

“Of course I am.” Thea grinned. “How else am I going to win?”

“That’s illegal in Vegas.”

“It’s not illegal,” Marjie corrected her. “But they’ll kick you out of the casinos.”

“Are we in Vegas? Are we in a casino?” Auntie Thea looked around the room like she was scanning for slot machines and craps tables. Light streamed in through large glass windows, splashing the palms and tropical plants that surrounded us with warm sunshine. A giant birdcage stood at the far end, filled with songbirds. “Where’s the waiter with my martini?”

Violet tsked . “Tease all you want, but if you keep this up, you won’t be coming on our girls’ trip.”

“You’ve been talking about that damn girls’ trip for five years,” Thea grumbled, “and it still hasn’t happened. I’ll worry when you’re on the plane and not a minute before.”

“She’ll be too busy with that Jimmy Sullivan,” Marjie said to Violet with a sly smile. “She won’t even notice we’re gone.”

“Just what are you implying?” asked Thea.

“That you’ll be too busy getting busy ,” Violet cackled, and Marjie joined in.

“I am a lady,” Auntie Thea said, “and I would never stoop to such conduct.”

“Don’t act so prim and proper,” said Violet. “I’ve seen the way your mouth waters when you look at him.”

“He is fairly mouth-watering,” Marjie put in.

“Well, he’s mine to water,” Thea snapped. “I’ll thank you both to keep your harlot eyes off of him.”

“And what claim do you have on him?” Marjie shot back. “I don’t see a ring on his finger. Or yours.”

“It’s none of your business if you do or don’t,” Auntie Thea said. “He’s still mine.”

Violet laughed. “Oh, you can have him. That man’s dentures give me the creeps.”

“I don’t know,” said Marjie. “I can think of some situations where a lack of teeth could be advantageous.”

“Get your mind out of the gutter,” Thea said. “And back off.”

We went back to playing the game after that, but Violet wouldn’t let the matter drop.

“Maybe we’ll do that girls’ trip this weekend,” she said. “We’ll see how you like it then, when the rest of us go to Atlantic City without you.”

“I see we’ve taken a step down from Las Vegas.”

“I can’t do it this weekend,” said Marjie. “I’m getting a shot for my carpal tunnel on Saturday. What about next week? I bet hotel rates are cheaper midweek.”

Violet shook her head. “No, I’ve got my knitting circle on Wednesday. I’m this close to finishing a sweater for my great-grandson. We’ll have to do the weekend after that.”

“Nope,” Thea said, peering over the top of her cards. “I have my grand-niece’s engagement party.”

“Who said you were invited?” Violet said.

I blinked, actually hearing what Auntie Thea had just said.

“Whose engagement party?” I asked.

“Julie’s, silly.” Thea looked at me in consternation. “Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten the scene she and her young man made at your grandparents’ party.”

“Oh. Right.” I flushed, my heart pounding. In fact, I almost had forgotten, what with all the moping I’d been doing about Ryder.

“Julie called a few days ago to ask when I was free,” said Thea. “She specifically said they wanted me to attend. So they’re having a brunch that Saturday morning. You should be getting your invitation any day now. You and that delicious young man can be my escort.”

I blinked. “Who? Brandon?”

“No, sweetheart, Ryder. He really is a catch.” She turned to Marjie and Thea. “You should have seen him at Julius and Delia’s party. Handsome and suave and so polite.”

“Do you have any pictures?”

“I sure do.”

Auntie Thea pulled her iPhone out of her skirt pocket and swiped it on, tapping a few times until she found what she was looking for.

“Don’t they look just like a real couple?” she said as she handed the phone to Violet and Marjie.

“Oh, he’s a looker,” Marjie cooed.

“Nice and tall,” Violet said approvingly. She looked over at me. “Almost as tall as you. Almost as handsome, too.”

She reached out and squeezed my chin, and I jumped in surprise. Then she pinched my cheek, like I was five years old. I resisted the urge to rub at it when she let me go.

Marjie passed the phone to me, and I stared in surprise and pleasure at photos of Ryder and me dancing. We really did look like a couple. I remembered how scared I was when he dragged me onto the dancefloor, and how kind and encouraging he’d been, so much so that I almost forgot we were surrounded by other people. Ryder had a way of making you feel like you were the only person in the room.

“I had no idea you were taking these,” I said to Auntie Thea.

“You were too lost in each other’s eyes,” she said. “That boy is very good at his job.”

Too good , I thought to myself.

“I don’t know if Ryder will be free again that Saturday,” I said sadly. I suspected that even if he were, he’d come up with an excuse to say no.

“Ask him and see,” Thea said.

“Oh, I’m not sure—”

“Do it now,” Violet encouraged. “I want to watch.”

“You want to watch me text someone?” I looked at her in confusion.

“If you’re texting that tall drink of water, yes.”

“You won’t see anything but words.”

“Doesn’t matter.”

“Oh, do it, sweetheart,” Auntie Thea said. “This is the most action Violet has seen in decades.”

Violet glared at her over the table, then smiled sweetly at me. “Take pity on an old lady, honey.”

“A couple of old ladies,” Marjie chimed in.

I sighed. I had no desire to go to this brunch at all. Watching Brandon and Julie be happy when my own life felt so empty? It sounded like torture. But it might be worse to go with Ryder than by myself, because then I’d have to deal with Ryder’s awkwardness too.

On the other hand, I doubted he would say yes. Maybe it was best to ask him now and get it over with. At the very least, it would give me something different to beat myself up over in the ensuing weeks.

Trying to keep my face pleasant, I pulled out my phone and pulled up my text thread with Ryder. Acutely aware that all three women were staring at the screen, scrutinizing every word, I began typing.

QUINN: Hey, random question, but is there any chance you’d be free to go to another family engagement two Saturdays from now? A brunch thing?

“Alright,” I said, sliding my phone back into my pocket. “It’ll probably be a while before he—”

My phone dinged before I could finish the sentence.

“Check it, check it,” Violet urged.

My chest felt hot and tight. I slid my phone out and stared in shock. Ryder had responded.

RYDER: Sure, I can do that. Send me the deets.

Then he added a smiley face. My stomach turned a somersault.

“Look at that,” Thea said, beaming. “You have a date after all.”

I might have had a date, but I was in no way prepared for this brunch. It didn’t matter that I’d had two weeks to get ready. I still wasn’t prepared for the assault of grief, the barbed arrows to the chest that I felt every time Julie looked at Brandon lovingly, every time Brandon spoke to her like she was the only person who existed. I could hardly keep it together.

It didn’t help that Ryder was by my side. He was being charming and gracious, as usual. Not just to my family members, but to me. He hadn’t mentioned, hadn’t so much as hinted at the awkwardness between us. From the moment we’d met at the restaurant, he’d been nothing but easy smiles and casual conversation. The night between us might never have happened.

But now we were seated at this long table at Philodendron, a new restaurant on Mount Pleasant Street, across the table and four seats down from Brandon and Julie themselves. I wanted to hide under the table, wanted to crawl through people’s legs and get myself out of there. I knew Ryder could tell, even if no one else could, and the fact that he was being so kind to me made it worse.

“We’re planning on an October wedding,” Julie was saying to my parents. “Out in the Blue Ridge Mountains. There are some beautiful vineyards out there, and they’ll be perfect in the fall with all the leaves changing color.”

“We thought about a destination wedding,” Brandon said. “But then I pointed out how nice it would be if we could go back to our wedding venue on our anniversary, and show our kids once they’re old enough to understand.”

“Once we have kids,” Julie said with a laugh, and then a squeal as Brandon leaned in and nuzzled her neck.

“Oh, we’ll definitely be having kids,” he said with a grin. “A whole bunch of them.”

“But not trying for any until after you’ve tied the knot, I hope,” said Julie’s mom, my Aunt Karen.

“Mom!” Julie sounded like an embarrassed thirteen-year-old.

“Of course not,” Brandon said smoothly. “We want to get established first. And we’ll have to find a house that meets our specifications.”

“I want a huge yard,” Julie said. “So I can host all the family reunions. And at least five bedrooms.”

“And a separate workshop,” Brandon added. “So I don’t have to bring my projects into the house.”

“He knows better than to leave all those wires and buttons lying around on the dining room table,” Julie said.

“It’s true. I can think of plenty of better uses for that table.” Brandon wiggled his eyebrows and kissed her again.

They were so cute, it was sickening. The more they talked, the shittier I felt. I should have been happy for Julie. I should even have been happy for Brandon, if this was what he really wanted. But I just wished…

I didn’t know what I wished. But I felt small and grubby. Brandon and I had been together for six months, but not once did he introduce me to anyone else in his life. I’d certainly never met his parents, who were sitting right next to Julie’s. He’d never once introduced me as his boyfriend, or even acknowledged that he was bisexual out loud.

And then he’d ended things, messily, meanly, and I still wasn’t over it. He’d said he didn’t see a future for us together. I wondered if he ever had, or if he knew from the beginning I was always going to be his little secret.

Ryder could tell I was being quiet, but he was doing his best to talk enough for both of us.

“Julie, I love your dress,” he said, leaning across the table conspiratorially. “You have to tell me where you got it.”

“Oh my god, thank you.” She brushed her hair back behind her ears. “It’s vintage DVF. I found it at this little boutique in Clarendon.”

“Cici’s Closet?” Ryder said excitedly. “I love them.”

“You’ve been there?”

“Girl, I practically live there. They have some great menswear finds. I’m there at least once a month.”

“We should go together sometime,” Julie said.

“Definitely.”

I did my best to look thrilled that my fake boyfriend was becoming besties with my ex-boyfriend’s fiancee, who happened to be my cousin—like nothing could make me happier than for our ties to get even more tangled—but it was hard to keep a grin plastered to my face, and by the time brunch was over, I was tired enough to sleep for twelve hours.

“Ready to go, babe?” Ryder asked as people were finishing up. He could see that I was flagging.

“Yeah.” I nodded weakly. “I think I’m entering a food coma. If I’m not in my bed soon, I’m just going to fall asleep right here.”

“Mmm, any room for me in that bed?” he asked with a grin. Then he leaned in, his lips swooping close to mine, and I jumped back.

“No, don’t,” I said, putting a hand on his chest to stop him.

“Why not?” Ryder’s tone was still playful, but his eyes were a little tight.

I realized that about half the table was watching us now. My parents were looking at me with gentle concern. Brandon and Julie were flat-out staring. Even Auntie Thea had gotten in on the action, though she looked more suspicious than confused.

“Oh, I just—I have onion breath, is all,” I stammered. “No one should be kissing me right now.”

“Hey, if someone really loves you, they’ll kiss you no matter how your breath smells,” Brandon said. Then he leaned in and kissed Julie deeply, as if to prove his point.

When the party finally broke up, Ryder and I headed outside with the rest of the family. When we reached Irving Street, I gestured to the east—the direction his house was in.

“Did you walk here?”

He nodded.

“I did too.” My apartment lay to the south. “So I guess I’ll see you later.”

“Let me walk with you for a bit,” he said. “It’ll look better that way.”

I frowned. Most of my family had already left. I didn’t think anyone was looking. But I couldn’t find a great reason to object, so he fell into step beside me. As soon as we reached Sixteenth Street, he shot me a questioning look.

“Why did you stop me from kissing you?” he asked.

My chest tightened. I didn’t want to talk about this.

“Just what I said. My breath must smell pretty bad right now.”

“So does mine,” Ryder said easily. “So did both of ours, the night of your grandparents’ party.”

“And I told you you didn’t have to kiss me that night. Or today.”

“I don’t mind.”

“Well, maybe I do.”

“Why?”

His tone was so innocent, his gaze so guileless, that I actually laughed. Did he really not know? Could he really not figure it out?

“What?” he asked.

I shook my head. “Just forget it, okay?”

We were quiet for a moment, but then Ryder spoke again.

“So what’s the deal with you and Brandon? Something about him clearly bothers you.”

It was like he had the cheat codes to making me want to curl up and die. Why did everything he said make me want to crawl out of my skin?

“It’s nothing,” I said.

“It’s definitely not nothing.”

“It’s nothing I want to talk about.”

“Maybe. But it might help you to talk about it anyway.”

“Who says I need help?” I snapped. “And who says I need it from you? It’s none of your business.”

Ryder looked wounded. “You’re my friend. Of course it is.”

I stared at him. “Is that what we are?”

“Of course. What else would we be?”

“I don’t know, maybe the awkward participants in a one-night-stand that you ran away from the minute you got a chance?”

“Ohhh,” he said, comprehension finally dawning. “I see.” He made a face. “But I didn’t run away. And it wasn’t the minute I got a chance. I waited until morning.”

“You lied about having an early class,” I said.

Ryder didn’t answer.

“And I don’t know what else you’d call it if not running away. You clearly thought I was going to confess my undying love and couldn’t get out of there fast enough.”

If my bitterness was audible, so be it.

“No, no, it’s not that. I promise.” He gave me an anguished look. “It’s me, not you. God, I know that sounds bad. But I don’t do relationships, is all.”

“Yeah. You’ve told me that multiple times now. And I never said I wanted one.”

“I know, but I just thought…I just wanted to be clear, I guess. I do want to be your friend, though. I meant that before and I still mean it now. And I would like to know what it is about Brandon that bothers you. As a friend.”

I stopped walking and looked at him. Really looked. He didn’t seem uncomfortable under my scrutiny. He just smiled easily. The late March sun cast a bar of gold across his face, lighting up the scattering of freckles on his cheeks.

Did he really want to know? He didn’t seem like he was lying, or just saying this to be polite. But then, I apparently had no idea how to read Ryder. Everything he did surprised me.

I didn’t have to tell him anything. But I hadn’t been able to talk about Brandon with anyone. And my heart ached to be spilled, for the pain to be shared.

“Brandon and I used to date,” I said quietly.

Ryder nodded. “I thought it might be something like that.”

“Maybe dating is too strong a word for it,” I corrected myself. “Maybe we just hooked up. We certainly never went out anywhere together, never acted like a couple where people could see. But we were together. For six months. Until he broke up with me, and I found out he’d been cheating on me. With Julie.”

Ryder whistled. “Wow. I’d say that explains the awkwardness.”

“Except he doesn’t even feel awkward about it,” I complained. “And I probably shouldn’t either. It was a while ago now. He’s over it. Why can’t I be? It’s pathetic.”

“It’s not pathetic to hurt after a breakup,” Ryder said gently.

“As if anyone’s ever broken up with you.”

“You’d be surprised.” He smiled sadly. “Why didn’t you tell me about Brandon ahead of time? Before your grandparents’ party, or at least before today?”

“Because I didn’t want you to know I was pathetic,” I said. “And because Brandon isn’t out, and it doesn’t seem like he ever wants to be, so it wasn’t my secret to tell.”

“You’re allowed to tell the people you’re close to.”

“Is that what we are? Close?”

“Maybe not then. But now? Yeah.”

“I was stupid. I should have known Brandon was hiding me. No one would ever want to date me with this.” I gestured to my birthmark.

“It’s really not as big a deal as you think it is.”

God, he was so naive. “Respectfully, you have no idea what it’s like.”

“Yeah, but respectfully , you have no idea what it’s like outside your own head. And all the messages your family has given you.”

“Don’t start about my family, please.”

“I’m not trying to start anything. I just don’t know why you would let Marie’s comments get into your head. Or why you can’t believe Thea when she says you look good.”

“You don’t get it,” I told him. “You don’t know what it’s like, being Black, and gay, and weird-looking.”

“Then explain it to me.”

“You can’t be too big and masculine, or you scare people. You can’t be too thin and feminine, or you’re flamboyant. It’s this incredibly narrow line you have to walk, and that’s without a face that clearly stamps you as ‘ other ’ compared to everyone else. Nothing Marie says is worse than the messages I get just by existing.”

“And Thea?”

“When she and her friends compliment me, it’s belittling. Like I’m a child they have to protect from the big, scary world. But I live in the world. It sucks sometimes, but I’m not some helpless kid. People stare at me, and lying to myself about what they’re thinking doesn’t make it any easier. I need to live in reality, not some fantasyland in my head where everything is sunshine and rainbows.”

I was breathing hard by the time I finished talking, and I could feel heat creeping into my cheeks. I hadn’t meant to get so worked up. But Ryder had said he wanted to know what I was thinking.

“Oh,” he said, nodding slowly. “Yeah, that makes sense. Thank you for telling me.”

“You asked.”

“I did.” He winced. “Can I say one thing back to you, though?”

“If you try to tell me I’m a very handsome, special little boy…”

“I won’t, I won’t, I swear.” He held his hands up. “For one thing, there’s nothing little about you.”

He smirked, and I rolled my eyes, despite a rush of warmth at the compliment. Could he not be serious for one minute? Also, was he allowed to joke about my dick, after the way he’d ended things? My head was too much of a mess to decide.

“One thing. But you’re on thin ice.”

“Okay.” He pressed his lips together. “I guess I just wanted to say that while I don’t know what it’s like to be you, and I appreciate you explaining, I also think it’s possible that maybe, just maybe, you think people stare at you, and think negative things about you, more than they actually do.”

“Ryder—”

“Mostly because people are selfish,” he continued quickly. “I’m not trying to say it’s all sunshine and rainbows, I’m just saying, most people are wrapped up in their own lives and don’t spend that much time thinking about anyone else at all. And I think it’s also possible, just maybe , that you’re not completely hideous-looking either. Given that people aren’t like, throwing rotten tomatoes at you while you walk through the streets.”

“That’s not exactly a high bar to clear.”

“I know. But I’m just saying, give people a little credit. Some of us—well, some people can see beyond the surface. Or they see the surface and think it’s a nice surface just as it is. And the people who don’t think that way? Fuck ‘em. You don’t need to care about their opinions.”

“I do, though, when their opinions end up affecting me.”

“But how often do they? And how much is just what you’re expecting to see, in your own head?” He nudged me with his elbow. “You know, if people do stare, you could always just make up an outlandish lie about it. Shark attack. Tragic fire-eating accident from your time in the circus. A birthmark of magical destiny and power.”

I snorted. “Yeah, I’m sure that’ll go over really well on my next date.”

“Well, if it helps, I can promise not to be at that date. That should at least make it go better than the last two.”

A little stab of pain shot through me at those words. He was just trying to make me laugh, but he’d inadvertently rubbed in the fact that any future dates wouldn’t be with him. Which I knew. But some tiny part of me was still having trouble accepting that.

“Good point,” I said, forcing a smile.

“But I would like to hang out again as friends sometime,” Ryder said. “If you’re down with that.”

I smiled again, and it was less forced this time. “Yeah. Yeah, that sounds good.”