Playboy For Hire

20. Quinn

20

QUINN

I was two steps into Auntie Thea’s living room when I realized Ryder was standing in the middle of it. He looked as surprised to see me as I was to see him.

“What are you doing here?” I asked. “And where’s Auntie Thea?”

“She’s in her bedroom,” he said slowly. “But what are you—”

“Is she okay? Have you called a doctor?”

Ryder tilted his head to the side. “What do you mean? Of course she’s okay. She and her friends are currently discussing whether sequins are ‘ too much ’ for women of their age.”

“What?” I stared at him, even more confused. “What are you talking about?”

Thea rolled in before Ryder could respond.

“Oh, Quinn, you’re here. Good.”

I couldn’t make sense of any of this. “I’m here, but…why? You said you’d fallen and needed help. But you look fine.”

“That’s because I am. But you’re not,” she said severely. She turned to Ryder. “And neither are you. The two of you boys are being silly, and I’m too old to be dealing with these antics. You both like each other, so work it out.”

She turned her chair around to face Violet and Marjie, who were both hovering in the hall, watching the three of us. “Come on, ladies, let’s give the boys some privacy.”

“Oh, come on, this is better than my soaps,” Violet protested.

“You’ll just have to hope they talk loudly then,” Thea said. “Let’s go.”

She ushered her friends back down the hall, and a moment later, I heard her bedroom door close. For a long moment, Ryder and I just stood there, staring at each other in silence. Then we both started to speak at once.

“I’m sorry, I should have—” he began, as I said, “I didn’t know you were—”

We both stopped and stared again.

Finally, Ryder said, “I swear, I didn’t know she was going to call you. I didn’t ask her to.”

“Thanks. That feels great to know.”

“No, God, I didn’t mean it like that,” he said quickly. “I just meant that I wasn’t trying to ruin your day or anything.”

“Because my world revolves around you?”

“No, of course not. But I know I hurt your feelings, and I just—fuck. I’m just trying to say I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine. You don’t have to say anything to me at all.” I turned to go.

“Quinn, please.”

“Please what , Ryder?” I spun around, my intention to dramatically storm off forgotten. “What else could you possibly want from me now?”

His eyes were pleading. “I honestly don’t know. I just know that I hate this. This week has been awful. I miss you. A lot.”

“You’re the one who ended things.”

“I know, but fuck. Doesn’t this bother you too?”

“What do you want me to say? That I hate this too? That I still like you? That I feel like a fucking idiot for thinking you might like me too? How pathetic do you need me to sound, to make you happy?”

“But I do like you, that’s what I’m saying. I don’t think you’re pathetic. I’m the pathetic one here. Please, if there’s one thing you walk away with, know that the problem wasn’t me not liking you enough. The problem is—” he broke off and looked at me helplessly.

But I didn’t know how to help him. Didn’t particularly want to. “The problem is what?”

“God, I am so going to regret saying this.” Ryder squeezed his eyes shut, and I wondered what he would say next that would destroy me.

“The problem is I fucking love you, Quinn. And no matter how much you think you like me now, one day you’re going to realize I’m not good enough for you, and you’re going to break up with me, and I’m going to be devastated.” He opened his eyes. “My heart is in pieces. Don’t you get it? I love you, and it sucks so much.”

My jaw hit the floor. “You… love …me?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I do.”

“You’re sure?” I said. This felt impossible. I was sure I was mishearing him, or misunderstanding. There was no way Ryder was standing in my great-aunt’s living room, confessing his love to me right now.

“Positive. I look at you and my chest aches because of how badly I want to hold you. My eyes go dry because I’m trying not to blink, trying to take you in. My lips just want to be touching yours, and I don’t get how you don’t see it, how you can’t see this love I have for you, coming out of every pore.”

“I—I don’t—” I could barely speak. Certainly not well enough to string a sentence together.

“I realized it the night we had dinner with my parents,” he continued. “But I think it started even earlier. I love you, and I hate imagining my life without you, and I never wanted to hurt you. I’m just trying to do what’s best for both of us, okay? That’s all. But please, never doubt what I felt for you. What I still feel. Doubt everything else, but don’t doubt that.”

Joy and frustration and sadness and desire all welled up inside me at once.

“You fucking idiot,” I said, tears appearing at the corners of my eyes.

“What?”

“You broke up with me because you love me?” I said, outraged.

Ryder’s bottom lip wavered. “Yeah, but—”

“I love you too, you absolute moron.” I couldn’t keep myself away from him any longer. I crossed the space between us and took his face in my hands.

I crushed my lips to his, and after a moment, his moved in response. I was so hungry, so desperate, to kiss him again. My tongue searched his mouth, tangling with his, trying to make a home there, trying to tell him I never wanted to be without him again.

I felt his body pressing against mine, firm and strong. His hair curling around my fingertips, warm and dry. His stubble under my lips as they roamed across his jaw and down to his neck while I wrapped my arms around him, holding him close.

“I love you too,” I whispered in his ear.

Tears were leaking from my eyes now, but I didn’t care. Ryder undid me. He reached inside me and saw something there worth loving. He untied a knot I’d been carrying so long, I’d gotten used to the tightness, to the cramped little life I’d been living all these years.

“Really?” he said, his voice a little muffled since his mouth was pressed to my neck.

“Yes, really.” I pulled back just far enough to look him in the eye. “I probably shouldn’t, with the way you’ve been acting, but I do.”

I smiled to take the sting out of the words, but Ryder winced.

“That’s the thing, though. You’re right. You shouldn’t love me.”

“Why not?” I demanded.

“Because you’re out of my league. Don’t you get that? You’re smarter, older, more accomplished, and gorgeous, and you charm the pants off me . You could have anyone, and one day you’re going to realize that. You’re going to meet someone who’s a better fit for you, and you’ll feel bad about it, but you’ll dump me, and you’ll be right to do it.”

“Ryder, I—” I shook my head, smiling ruefully. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have called you an idiot.”

“But I am one, and that’s the problem. You have a law degree. I’m barely getting through college.”

“Who cares! College? Grades? None of that stuff really matters.”

“It did for you. You wouldn’t have your job without your degrees. And I heard how your dad talked about you, how proud he was of your grades.”

“He’s my dad, Ryder. Of course he’s going to be a dork about my grades.”

“But my dad isn’t. And yours probably wouldn’t like me either, if he knew how dumb I was.”

I stared at him, begging him to see what I saw, to understand just from the way I looked at him how amazing I thought he was.

“I don’t know how to get you to see,” I said slowly, “how smart you really are. I’m honestly baffled that you don’t realize it. You are the most perceptive person I know. You can read a room in an instant, and you’re confident in any social situation because you always know what needs to be said and done. You’re constantly thinking ten steps ahead of me, analyzing levels I’d never dream of. Maybe you’re not a wizard at macroeconomics, but who is? You’re still the person I’d come to with any problem. And the sheer amount of stuff you just know is mind-boggling. I wish I could spend time in your head. I picture it like this grand library with marble arches and high windows and row after row of bookcases and filing cabinets and I just… I could wander around there for ages. You’re not just smart, Ryder. You’re brilliant.”

He stared at me, his eyes full of unshed tears. “You really mean that?”

“I really mean it.” I squeezed his shoulders. “I love you and that giant brain of yours, even if it does sometimes decide it can predict the future and try to break up with me for no reason.”

He laughed sheepishly. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. Just don’t do it again, okay?”

“I love you too,” he said. There was something almost shy about it, like he hadn’t just said it two minutes ago. “You’re sure it doesn’t bother you that I’m so much younger than you are?”

“Five years. When you’re eighty and I’m eighty-five, I don’t think it’s going to make that much of a difference.”

The smile he gave me then was so tremulous, so full of hope, that my heart broke all over again.

“You think we could make it until we’re that old?”

“I think we could try. I think I’d like to try. Ryder, I haven’t felt this way about anyone in—” I shook my head. “I was going to say a long time, but I think the right answer is ‘ ever .’ You make me feel wanted. You make me feel like there’s nothing wrong with me. You don’t know how rare that is.”

“I do,” he said, “because that’s how you make me feel too.” He wiped a hand across his eyes. “God, allergies.”

I laughed. “I’ve heard the ragweed is really bad this year.”

“Ragweed is in the fall. But yeah, let’s go with that.” He closed his eyes and rested his forehead on mine. “I’m still afraid you’re going to get sick of me.”

“Well, I’m afraid you’re going to realize you could do better. But maybe, if you love someone, part of that is trusting that they mean it when they say they love you back.”

He snorted. “What kind of responsible, self-actualized kind of talk is that?”

“Wild, I know.”

He pulled back and looked at me. “You really don’t think I’m too young for you? Or too…me, for you?”

“I love your me , so no, I don’t. And the age thing doesn’t bother me if it doesn’t bother you. God knows you’re better in social situations than I am, and that’ll be true no matter how old we are.”

“Well, at least I can help you dress for them now.”

“Me and all my light-blue shirts thank you.” I leaned in and whispered, “But if I’m honest, I’m more interested in getting undressed right now, if you know what I mean.”

“Is that so?” he whispered back.

“Definitely. It’s been too long.”

Ryder put one hand on the back of my neck and pulled me in for a searing kiss. I surrendered to it, trying to show, rather than tell, how much I loved him.

“What’s going on out there?” Violet’s voice carried through from the other end of the hall. “Why’d it get quiet all of a sudden?”

“I know you boys wouldn’t be getting up to any shenanigans in my home,” came Auntie Thea’s voice. “Quinn, your mother and father brought you up too well for that.”

I broke the kiss and laughed.

“No,” I called out. “We were just talking. It’s fine.”

“And are things fine between the two of you?”

I looked at Ryder, whose smile lit up the room.

“Better than fine,” I said. “They’re perfect.”