Promises & Pen Names (The Riley Siblings #1)

10. Sidney

Chapter Ten

SIDNEY

T oday is one of those days where I really wish I had a girlfriend I could call and unload all the shit going on in my head to.

The friends I had before were all part of couples, wives of Jordan’s co-workers or college buddies. When we split, I got alimony while he got the support system, which is why they’re out, and so is Jordan.

There are a few teachers I talk to casually, a few I’d probably consider more than acquaintances but none I’d consider friends.

I’m a part of a pretty big writing community online but sharing of our personal lives only goes so far since the majority of us write under pen names and we’re busy with balancing dual realities.

Normally when I’m a mess of emotions, confused or feeling lost, I turn to Blake, but since he’s a huge part of what has me feeling so lost and confused, I don’t feel like I can talk to him about it.

And he’s starting to notice.

I’ve been so wrapped up in my beautiful Blake Riley bubble for the last week that I haven’t really processed our past or what everything means going forward.

I understand the basics.

Am I in love with him? Yes, absolutely, undeniably.

Is he still my best friend? Totally, 100%.

Have I loved the non-stop, extremely intense, world altering sex we’ve been having since Saturday night? Hell yes I have, Blake has always been a god in bed and the man eats pussy like he was born to do it.

Did we kind of, sort of, maybe talk about trying to maintain a relationship after I go back to Georgia because we both know what this is but haven’t said the words? Yeah, but that’s what has me completely lost and sort of confused.

I’ve pretty much been faithful to Blake since before ever putting a name to my feelings for him—or him for that matter since I didn’t realize he was my Blake—and he essentially confirmed the same, so loyalty and fidelity aren’t really concerns. We made a long-distance best friendship work for two years without even knowing each other’s real names, so I doubt a relationship would be much different, or much harder to maintain but that being said, it feels super different.

I’ve gotten so used to waking up in his arms, stealing kisses throughout the day, just hugging him and holding him whenever I want that I’m not sure I’ll be able to go very long without all that. Then you throw in the hot as hell sex that can really only be called one thing, the one thing I refuse to call it because of how real it makes this, and I’m probably going to be the hot mess express speeding to a downward spiral so fast it’ll put my mid-divorce mental breakdown to shame.

To be totally honest, if it wasn’t for my kids, I wouldn’t even consider leaving Blake to go back to Atlanta .

And yeah, the thought of suggesting he come there, permanently or not, has crossed my mind, but I can’t do that. A trip to visit is one thing but asking him what I really want to ask him is so selfish, so horrible I can barely even think it.

It’s another one of those things I can’t say out loud because of how real this becomes.

There’s also another small detail I haven’t had the courage to bring up, something that is small now but could grow to epic proportions nine months down the road.

Basically, I’m not on birth control because I haven’t needed it in well over four years—Jordan and I stopped having sex shortly after we made Holden and he was a total surprise because of how rare that was—and Blake and I haven’t used anything at all since we’ve been fucking like rabbits.

I’ve suggested condoms a couple of times, said in a roundabout way that I’m not on the pill, but Blake doesn’t have any and since he didn’t seem to care about all the possible outcomes of extremely unprotected sex, I kind of let it go. Something I’m sure will bite me in the ass later on in one way or another.

And when you add in the huge gigantic elephant in the room that is the fact that we dated for almost three years before he completely ghosted me a lifetime ago, well there’s just a lot of shit going on in my head.

So yeah, I could really use a girlfriend right now, a confidante to pour my heart out to and since I don’t have that, I’ve just continued to live in blissful ignorance the last few days. And that’s why, instead of freaking out or trying to form a plan, I’m making vegan pizza and cheesecake from scratch—Blake’s favorite foods—and ignoring all the ways my life is about to explode into flames.

I leave tomorrow morning and I really should be doing about a million other things right now, including crying my eyes out over walking away from the most perfect man I’ve ever met, but I’m making dinner instead in a vain attempt to convince myself everything is going to be ok. That everything is totally normal and fine.

It’s not though, I just can’t handle it at all.

Blake is meeting with his editor, Courtney, who had just a few very minor edits for us on our book before it goes into final draft mode where he’ll format it, wait for the final cover design then make it into a real book and have our author paperbacks made. From there we’re supposed to start online hype in about two weeks, send out ARCs and wait for release day to publish on Amazon.

He’s only been gone for a few hours but missing him as much as I do over that is exactly why I took an Uber to the grocery store, looked up vegan recipes for his favorite foods and came home to start cooking our final meal.

It’s been a great distraction from all the shit I refuse to acknowledge, and I plan on denying my real feelings and problems until I’m forced not to.

“Shortcake!” Blake booms as the front door swings open. “Baby, this book is gonna—” He appears in the doorway, all sexy and beautiful in simple jeans and a t-shirt. “What is that absolutely divine smell?”

I grin, push all my worries aside and motion to the counter. “Dinner and dessert.”

“Is that pizza?”

“It is.”

“From scratch?”

“Yes.”

Blake groans as he kicks off his shoes and walks toward me. “I can scrap the vegetarian thing for one meal if it means eating whatever you have cooking.”

With a giggle, I kiss him then turn back to the stove. “It’s vegan, silly. I’m not going to break your eating habits just so I can cook for you.”

“All of it is vegan?” His hands slide over my hips, arms wrapping around my waist as Blake rests his chin on my shoulder. “Even the crust?”

“Yes.” I smile as he holds me tight. “I found a pretty great recipe for vegan pizza crust that actually seems close to the real deal. What you’re smelling is homemade sauce made from fresh veggies and once that’s done, I have vegan mozzarella and feta to add before I load the pizzas with mushrooms, peppers, onions, eggplant, the works.”

“You’re speaking my love language, Sid,” he growls, eliciting butterflies the size of jumbo jets to take flight in my belly.

But I ignore what he said and smirk at him over my shoulder. “I thought that was blow jobs and neck rubs?”

“Those too.” Blake smirks right back. “But food, home cooked from scratch, food that is vegetarian and won’t kill me, that shit speaks to me on a whole other level.”

“Especially since you can’t cook for shit.”

He grunts and kisses my neck. “So, what’s in the oven?”

“Vegan New York style cheesecake.”

“Oh my god,” he groans. “Have I told you lately that you’re perfect?”

“Every day.”

“I’m slacking. You deserve to hear that shit multiple times a day, every day for forever.”

Another wave of emotion rips through me but once again, I pretend like it didn’t. And thankfully, the fact that I can feel Blake’s now hard cock poking me in the butt, I don’t have to address shit.

“How long before you have to pull it out?”

“Not long enough for what you’re thinking.”

“You sure?” He rolls his hips, my eyes fluttering closed as my head drops back to his chest as he does. “We’ve gotten pretty good at the art of the quickie.”

My cheeks flame.

We have.

Just like we’ve mastered the art of sex in general but considering the fact that Blake has taken me sight-seeing a few times and each of those were marked by an epic quickie somewhere in public, he is absolutely right in saying we mastered that.

“This is all time sensitive,” I basically moan as his fingers slide into the front of my leggings. “Just a few minutes on the cheesecake before it has to come out and cool to go in the fridge...”

“But the sauce isn’t done?” His hand makes its way into my panties, fingers dangerously close to where I want him. “There’s time between cheesecake and sauce?”

If he wasn’t slowly circling my clit, I’d laugh at that question but he is so I moan instead. “Maybe twenty... twenty minutes or it’ll burn...”

“Perfect.” Blake growls just as the timer goes off. Quick as lightning, he has the cheesecake on the counter, his hands on my ass and my body in the air as he carries me the few feet to the dining room.

My leggings and panties are gone in the blink of an eye, Blake’s shirt off just as fast and before I can even suggest it, he has me bent over the dining room table, legs spread, fingers back on my clit.

“Fuck,” he grunts, the sound of his belt and zipper are like music to my ears. “Fuck, I love your pussy, Sid.”

“I know,” I groan as he starts fingering me. “Love it faster.”

He doesn’t listen though because I suddenly feel his teeth sink into my ass cheek before his tongue licks my embarrassingly wet pussy, flicks my clit before diving inside so he can tongue fuck me the way he likes to.

So fucking good.

But we really don’t have time if he wants to eat anything other than me for dinner.

“Blake.” His name is a hiss on my lips. “Blake, baby, fuck me. Fuck me now.”

He growls into my pussy, sucks hard on my clit then his hands are on my hips mere seconds before he slams into me. We both groan as he stills, Blake always gives me time to adjust to his size, and when he’s satisfied I’m ready, good lord he starts to move and it has me seeing stars.

Fast, hard, deep.

That’s how Blake fucks me.

His hips pound against mine, skin slapping skin. He lifts my hips just a little with one hand, the other sliding up my spine to push me flat against the table.

“Fuck... goddamnit, Sid...” He grunts. “I could fuck your tight little cunt for the rest of my life and only want you more.”

Thank God I’m seconds away from coming my brains out because if I wasn’t, that shit would make me cry, confess my feelings and beg him to make good on it.

And now is not the time for any of that.

Especially when he keeps pounding into me, grabs my wrists and pulls my arms back, holding them with one hand as Blake goes impossibly deeper with every hard thrust of his hips. Then he smacks my ass just as hard as he’s fucking me, my pussy clenching around him, soaking his cock completely. He slaps my ass again then that hand comes around and finds my clit, gives it a few quick strokes before he pinches it and I fucking come.

“Blake!” His name is a scream belted out against the wood, my orgasm shattering every cell in my body, burning through my veins, tearing through every inch of my being. “Fuck! Yes, Blake! Oh my god, yes!”

“I’m with you, Shortcake,” he grunts, his pace faster, his thrusts even harder. “Fuck... yes... I’m with you. Fuck!” Blake all but roars, his dick swelling inside me seconds before I feel him pump out his release.

He lets go of my wrists immediately, bends down and kisses his handprint on my butt cheek. “See, honey? We even have five minutes to spare.”

I laugh as he rights me, pulls out and turns me around to face him. “You were right.” I sigh as he kisses me. “We probably even have time for another quickie once the pizzas go in.”

“Damn straight.” Blake smiles that beautiful smile, his expression speaking the words that would simultaneously break my heart and fill it. “You are the perfect fucking woman, Sid.”

I hug him and bury my face in his bare chest so he can’t see what I’m feeling.

I love you on the tip of my tongue. Move back to Georgia with me close behind.

But I can’t say either of those things, not now, not ever, because Blake Riley is perfect and regardless of what he thinks, he deserves better than me. If I tell him how I feel, tell him I’m so in love with him that it’s literally tearing me apart, Blake will move to Georgia in a heartbeat and leave everything behind for me, and that’s asking too much.

Especially since he left me once before.

He has a life here, friends, a house, hell his mom and brother live a few minutes away and I know him well enough to know Blake would leave it all behind if I said those three words.

Blake deserves to have someone that is confident, successful, sure of who they are and doesn’t come bearing the baggage of demons created by a still very present ex-husband and what he did to them. Blake deserves someone who won’t be paranoid or skittish because she was hurt so badly by someone that promised to love her forever that she doesn’t even believe forever let alone like she could have it again.

I trust Blake, I really do, and I love him more than I ever thought I could love someone, but the fact that I can’t get past what Jordan did to me enough to love myself means it’ll never work between us. Blake deserves to have a relationship that doesn’t consist of trying to reassure someone, placate them and build them up constantly and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to give something like that to him.

And that’s exactly why, for the first time since Saturday, I form a plan, one that is in fact breaking my heart but will be best for him in the end. I know what I have to do and I’m just praying it doesn’t destroy me.

Somehow, I know it will though. That’s the one thing I am confident in.

I slowly take a bite of cheesecake as I watch Blake from across the table, the man leaning back in his chair, his eyes closed as he pats his belly.

“You cook like a fucking champ, Shortcake. Even better than when we were kids.”

“I’ve learned a thing or two since then.” I drop my eyes briefly with a small smile despite what I’m about to do. “Things changed pretty quickly after you disappeared on me.”

Blake’s eyes pop open and snap to mine. “Excuse me?”

I shrug as I push the last bit of my dessert around on my plate. “You know, our last date. You never showed up. I figured the draw of college life was too much and you didn’t want to be tied down to anyone, so you just stopped answering my calls.”

“What the fuck are you talking about, Sidney?”

“Oh come on, Blake. I get it, we were kids, and Georgia State was huge. So many new people.” My stomach churns as I get up and start clearing the table. “I could tell I wasn’t going to fit in with the people who started hanging around you, I?—”

“You’re fucking serious? You think I ghosted you so I could fuck other girls and hang out with Nick The No Brain Spieldman?”

I flinch as I walk to the kitchen and turn on the sink.

I honestly don’t know what happened between us all those years ago, just what I conjured in my mind while I tortured myself with all the what ifs , but I know that’s not what it was.

If Blake had wanted to see other people he would have told me, and we’d been together since sophomore year of high school so I can also say his friends or classmates didn’t mean shit to him either.

But this is all part of my plan.

I shrug as he gets up from the table to stomp his way after me. “I don’t know, it’s been a guessing game since then but I?—”

“For me, too, Sid. You didn’t call once after my accident and I assumed it was because of that or some stupid shit.”

“I never changed my number, you could have…” I stop mid scrub as his words sink in. “Your accident? What the hell are you talking about?”

Blake blinks at me before he scowls. “You can’t be serious. There’s no way.”

Dropping the dishes in the still filling sink, I turn to face him and cross my arms against my chest. “First week of second semester, our first Friday back. We were supposed to meet at the library because you had a bunch of books from first semester to turn in, then we were going to get dinner at Zeb’s before we went for a ride on your bike. I waited at the library for two hours, in the rain I might add, and when you didn’t show I walked to Zeb’s and waited there but you never showed. So I called my roommate to pick me up because I didn’t have anyone else, and I was so upset and mad you stood me up that I dropped my phone in a huge puddle getting into her car.”

Tears well in my eyes as I pick this fight, hashing out a history that doesn’t really matter because it didn’t change how I feel, it didn’t alter anything except how long it took for us to find each other again and ultimately holds no bearing over our relationship now. I forgave Blake years ago but pretending I didn’t can help me with my plan.

“I gave you the silent treatment for a few days and by the following Friday I was ready to blow a gasket so I went to your dorm room to tell you off. But you weren’t there, and your idiot roommate didn’t tell me anything other than he moved out .”

“Wow, you really don’t know,” Blake says with a bewildered look. “I don’t know how you don’t know, but you really don’t.”

“Know what?” I snap. “You keep saying that but aren’t explaining anything.”

“I totaled my bike on the way to the library.”

My stomach pitches as my heart stops, a few seconds passing before it starts pounding in my ears. “W-what?”

He nods as he takes a step toward me. “I was on my way to meet you, Sid. My Da and I went to see Knox that day. I skipped classes that morning to help them out, you know that but it started pouring on my way back. I was careful but visibility was shit so I pulled off to call you and…” Blake shakes his head as he scrubs a hand over his hair. “Another car hy droplaned on the road, lost control and hit me. My bike took most of the damage but I went sailing and it landed on top of me. I was knocked out on the side of the road for hours before anyone drove by.”

“Blake…” A tear rolls down my cheek as I shake my head in disbelief. “How… How did I not know? Why didn’t anyone call me or come by? Why…”

“My phone got destroyed in the accident and I was in and out of consciousness for a few days. I only broke my arm but I had a shit ton of internal damage, lots of bleeding, a concussion, and I lost most of my liver.”

Nodding slowly I swipe at my eyes. “The scar, your diet?”

Blake sighs. “Yeah. I fucking loved red meat but it’s not an option anymore. Gotta be careful about what I put into my body.”

“So, I don’t understand though. Why didn’t anyone call me? Why didn’t?—”

“The only explanation I have is that my parents were already in Florida at the time and when I got hurt it was a fucking whirlwind of shit from the time they were notified. Aggie was still in high school, they weren’t close anymore, Knox was training a ton. Getting everyone together and back to Atlanta was a lot, and you know how my Ma is.”

Despite this enormous and life changing revelation, I smile a bit because I do. “Linda was probably a hot mess.”

“To say the least,” Blake says with a smirk as he steps in front of me and lifts his hand to catch another tear. “In her defense, I know she was going to call you once they took me to Florida but…” He searches my eyes briefly before he completely guts me. “I was pretty heartbroken that you hadn’t gotten a hold of them already so I told her not to bother. You thought I ghosted you all these years?—”

“And you thought I did the same.” I sniffle before I chuckle a bit. “I wouldn’t have been so mad at you if I’d have known you almost died.”

Blake barks out a short laugh as he wraps me in his arms and pulls me to him. “I’ll remember that next time.”

I hug him tight as I close my eyes, my tears falling freely against his bare chest as I try to process the way my entire reality changed in a matter of seconds.

Almost fifteen years ago I lost the boy I thought I would spend the rest of my life with and instead, I spent almost another year being so angry with him that I could hardly function. I thought there was something wrong with me, something so wrong that the first and only boy I loved could just walk away, could throw away almost three years of what I thought was perfection without a second glance.

Then one day, I met Jordan Kinison at a frat party, decided to make him my rebound and I was so heartbroken over Blake still, I didn’t care what happened after that. Nine months later Sloane was born, Jordan and I were married, and we were finishing school and starting careers. I forgave Blake then because if he didn’t disappear on me I wouldn’t have had my baby girl, and I was totally convinced I was living the life I was meant to have.

Turns out, I was wrong.

I got my beautiful babies because of a rainstorm and freak accident, and that only solidifies everything else I’ve believed all along.

There is no happily ever after for me, not one with a man who’ll love me the way I always hoped.

Blake loved me like that, and he never walked away but he was taken from me all the same. And Jordan never even tried, we were together because of the kids and nothing more. If there’s one thing I learned, one pattern I can clearly see from my very little experience, it’s that I don’t deserve to have the kind of love I write about .

And my plan worked too well.

I should be thrilled to know what really happened all those years ago with Blake, to know he didn’t choose what happened but instead my heart is breaking all over again.

Because it’s proof of what I believed all along.

No second chance, no happy ending, not for me.

And I have to finish what I started so Blake can get his because his story is only half written, and his happily ever after has nothing to do with me.