Puppy Love at Mistletoe Junction

Chapter Fifteen Camera

Theo sat on the top step of the stairs outside Lucy’s apartment, the air fogging up around him with every breath that he took. It was about thirty-nine degrees outside, but he didn’t mind the cold. He needed to cool off before Lucy got there anyway.

It had been at least two weeks since she’d been offered the job, and she hadn’t mentioned anything to him. Though they’d only been doing whatever they were doing for seventeen days.

God, had it only been that long? Why did it feel like it had been a lifetime with her? And yet, it hadn’t been nearly long enough. He wanted more, he’d always wanted more when it came to Lucy Buchanan, and she clearly didn’t feel the same way.

So, what was he doing?

Theo looked up as her black SUV rolled into the driveway, the tires crunching on the gravel. She looked at him through the windshield and even from here he could see that her shoulders were slumped.

Apparently, Jeremy and Max had said something to her. He’d told them not to bother, he’d deal with it on his own, but they clearly hadn’t listened. They’d said they wouldn’t reveal the surprise with the lights, but Theo wasn’t sure that he even cared anymore. It was a comfort to know that they had his back though. He had a feeling he was going to need it after tonight.

“Hey, you,”

Lucy said as she got out of the car, shutting the door behind her.

“Hey.”

Theo stood up, shoving his hands in his pockets.

She gave a little nod before she turned and opened the back door. Her brown hair was down around her shoulders and it floated in the air for just a moment.

He felt like there was a clock in his head, ticking down. The sound echoed in his ears. It was all coming to an end. He couldn’t do this with her anymore. He couldn’t let himself get deeper into this, not when he was clearly falling on his own.

Falling? You’ve already fallen, man.

Lucy and Bear made their way up the stairs and Theo took a step back to let her unlock the door. The scent of vanilla and cloves filled his head as she moved in front of him, and the ticking of that clock only got louder.

When they stepped inside, Lucy turned on the lights while Theo shut the door behind them. She moved farther into her apartment, pulling off her scarf and jacket before kicking off her shoes. Bear jumped up on the sofa with Estee, making herself comfortable among the blankets and pillows.

Theo stayed by the door, not taking off his jacket or his shoes. Lucy’s eyes moved, measuring the distance between them. “You’re not staying?”

“I don’t think so.”

He shook his head. “I think we should talk, and I’m pretty sure by the end of it I’m going to want to leave.”

“Why?”

“Because I know what lies at the end of this conversation, which is probably why I’ve been avoiding it. We might’ve started on the same page, but tonight it became clear that we no longer are.”

“Are you saying this because I didn’t tell you about the job offer as soon as it happened? I didn’t tell anyone about it. I didn’t even mean to tell my dad.”

“Is that supposed to make me feel better? Because it doesn’t.”

“Theo, Fatima literally asked me to teach another semester the morning after I slept with you. You and I had already said it was just sex and that we weren’t going to—”

She hesitated for a second as if she was trying to figure out what word to use. But then she shook her head and continued. “We weren’t going to complicate things and then almost immediately it got more complicated.”

“Lucy.”

Theo let out a small humorless laugh. “It’s always been complicated when it comes to the two of us. And that’s not going to change.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m in love with you and you clearly aren’t in love with me.”

“What?”

The word left her lips on an exhale, the air leaving her lungs as her shoulders fell. It was like she was deflating.

Well, she could join the club. He already felt completely empty.

“I can’t do this with you again. I thought I could. I thought we could just have really great sex and I’d be okay with whatever you chose to do. But as it turns out, that isn’t the case. I was fucking delusional to think I would ever be okay with it. You don’t want to stay, and if you did, I’d be your second choice.”

“No, you wouldn’t.”

“Then why aren’t you staying?”

“I . . . I just don’t know what I want. Why do we have to have this figured out right now? It hasn’t even been three weeks since this started.”

She gestured between the two of them.

“For me it’s been a lot longer.”

“How long?”

Her voice cracked, and the sound took the air out of his own lungs. He wanted to cross the room, wanted to pull her into his arms and tell her they’d figure it out.

But he stayed on his side of the room. “Does it matter? Does me telling you that I’ve been in love with you since I was seventeen change a single thing about how you feel or what you want?”

“Since you were seventeen?”

she asked, the words coming out slowly, like she was trying to figure out when.

“It was the first time I heard you sing. You were in a musical your sophomore year. I didn’t want to be there . . . until you came onstage. I didn’t realize it then, I didn’t understand it, but hearing you changed something for me. Something in me. Something that there was no coming back from. But as I’ve learned, there’s no coming back from you, Lucy. I tried . . . I tried to ignore it, and then seven years ago I couldn’t ignore it anymore.”

“That was why you kissed me that night?”

“I wanted to know, even if it was for just a second . . . I wanted to know what it was like to be with you. And then those seconds turned into hours, days, weeks, months. I wanted more. I knew I’d always want more. So, I told you, and you bailed. You ran as fast and as far away from me as you could get.”

“I wasn’t ready.”

“Are you now?”

“I . . . I don’t know.”

“God, Lucy.”

Theo threw up his hands, his voice rising loud enough for Bear to lift her head from the sofa. “I don’t think I can hear you say that anymore. I know what I want. I want you. I love you. It really can’t get any simpler than that.”

“It’s not simple.”

She reached up, roughly wiping the tears away from her cheeks. “None of this is simple.”

“I know, it’s complicated.”

“I’m beginning to hate that word.”

“You and me both.”

Theo rubbed at his forehead before he dropped his arm. “I don’t know what else to say, Luce. I think I should go.”

“So, you’re just going to give up on this?”

“You don’t even know what this is. How can I walk away from something that you aren’t even fully in?”

“I just need more time to figure it out.”

“Lucy, you’ve had seven years. Here we are, in the exact same position, and you still don’t know what you want. I think that answers the question pretty clearly.”

“Would it have changed anything if I’d told you about the job before?”

She swiped under her eyes again.

“Probably not.”

Theo shook his head. “I think we were always going to get to this place. We just figured it out a little sooner than later.”

“So, what, we should cut our losses now before someone gets hurt?”

“Before someone gets hurt?”

Theo let out another humorless laugh. “Lucy, it feels like you’ve reached your hand inside my chest and wrapped your fist around my heart. And the longer I stand here knowing that you aren’t in love with me, the tighter your grip is getting. At this point, I’m just trying to save myself from my heart getting ripped out of my chest. But I’m pretty sure I’ve failed there too.”

“I’m sorry,”

she said on a whisper.

“For what? This was inevitable.”

He hesitated for a second, unsure if he should say more, but he kept going anyway. “I can’t help but think that the reason you hesitated to take the job was because you’re scared about getting stuck here. Scared about getting stuck with me. Tell me that isn’t true.”

“That isn’t true.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Theo, I . . .”

Lucy looked up and away from him, a fresh round of tears filling her eyes as her lip started to tremble. “I just want to fix this. How do I fix this?”

Fuck, he had to get out of here.

“You can’t. You know, I lied to you too. I wasn’t helping Oscar, he was helping me. So were Jeremy, and Gavin, and Max, and your dad, and so many other people that would do absolutely anything for you. We got you your lights, and we spent the whole evening getting them strung up for you.”

“You did what?”

“I’ve been trying so hard to give you everything that I can, do these big grand gestures to show you exactly how much you mean to me, to show you how much I want you to stay. But it hasn’t changed anything. You don’t want to stay, a fact that was made very clear to me tonight. And it’s not fair for me to be mad about it, because from the second we started this again you told me you weren’t staying here. I knew.”

He paused, taking a deep breath, trying to push back that crushing pain in his chest.

“But there was a part of me that hoped you’d change your mind; it’s the same naive stupid part of me that can’t let go of you. I’m going to have to figure it out, figure out how to let go this time. I can’t do this anymore. Goodbye, Lucy.”

Theo turned, his hand wrapping around the door handle, and just as he started to twist the knob, he heard her voice.

“I’m terrified, Theo. I’m terrified of love. Of letting someone in and giving them the power to hurt me.”

“So was I. My problem is that when it comes to you, I didn’t have any choice in the matter.”

The sharp breath behind him echoed in the room, but Lucy didn’t say anything else as Theo opened the door and walked outside into the cold. But just before the door snapped shut behind him, he heard her muffled sob.

* * *

For someone who wasn’t much of a crier, Lucy sure had been doing a lot of it in the last twenty-ish hours. She was sitting in the fourth row of the auditorium again, in the exact same seat as she had on Sunday night. Except there were two differences.

The first was that Theo wasn’t next to her. Though there was no one in the auditorium. Rehearsal had ended about half an hour ago, the students leaving when they wrapped up at five. Gia had been pretty standoffish all day, and she’d been the first one out of there. Chloe hadn’t been far behind, but she’d given an apologetic glance over her shoulder before she’d walked out the door. It wasn’t like Lucy was surprised that Gia was upset with her. How could the girl not be after what Theo had done for Lucy . . . and after what Lucy had done to Theo?

And that was where she got to the second difference of the day: the Christmas lights. There were so many strands strung among the trees, the branches illuminated, the stage lit up like a little winter wonderland.

Lucy had come into the auditorium first thing that morning, wanting to see what Theo had done. She’d flipped the switch and the sight of the stage had taken her breath away. He’d done this for her . . . because he loved her.

He’d put it all out on the line . . . and she hadn’t. For the second time, he’d told her he wanted more, and she couldn’t give it to him. Though this time he’d actually told her he wanted everything.

Yeah, it wasn’t a wonder to Lucy at all why Gia was mad at her . . . or why all of her friends and family had been upset with her the night before . . . or why Theo had ended things.

He’d gone above and beyond, something he’d done so many times over the last few weeks, showing her exactly what she meant to him . . . and she couldn’t do the same thing back.

It hadn’t been a lie when she’d said that things had moved too fast. One second they’d been challenging each other to darts and arguing about clichés, and the next they’d been having wild sex at her apartment. She’d known she was withholding by not telling him about the job, or the apartment that would shortly be waiting for her in New York. It was just further proof of what he’d told her last night, that she wasn’t in this thing with him.

When he’d said he thought her hesitation at teaching in the spring was fear of getting stuck in Cruickshank, she hadn’t been sure if that was true or not. But there wasn’t a fear of getting stuck with him. It was the opposite: she feared getting stuck here without him, and now she was going to get to face that fear head-on.

She didn’t know how to be here and not be with him. That was what scared her now, and it had only taken the entire night of replaying everything for her to figure it out.

And Lucy had replayed it all. Everything from the night before, and the day before that . . . and the weeks, months, and years prior. Her mind flashed through everything that had to do with Theo, trying to figure it all out. Trying to figure out what she could’ve done differently. But there’d been nothing she could do short of admitting that she was in love with him.

Because she was in love with him.

She’d wanted to say it last night, wanted to tell him. The words had been right there on the tip of her tongue, but she just couldn’t get them out.

Lucy blinked, the lights in front of her blurring as her eyes filled with tears again. She was her own worst enemy. She knew it. She’d never been able to get out of her own way. And now it might’ve cost her something great.

No, it had cost her something great.

The unmistakable sound of the doors opening behind her filled the space and Lucy turned around to see Caro, Sasha, and Lilah walking into the auditorium. They stopped when they saw the stage, all of them taking in the finished product.

“Wow.”

Lilah whistled. “That looks amazing.”

Lucy stood, already gearing up to be on the defense. “If you guys have come here to tell me what an idiot I am, I don’t think that I can really take it. I know you’re on Team Theo.”

“That’s not why we’re here.”

Lilah shook her head.

Sasha frowned, putting her hands on her hips. “Besides, I thought we told you we’re Team Leo.”

“There is no Team Leo.”

Lucy’s eyes and nose started to burn, and she scrunched her face up, trying to fight the fresh wash of tears. She lost.

“Hey, come here.”

Caro didn’t even hesitate to pull Lucy into her chest.

The second her sister’s arms were around her, Lucy let go, like really let go. It felt like something inside of her had cracked open and everything was pouring out. She didn’t want this. She didn’t want to feel this kind of pain.

Everything hurt. Her head, her eyes, her stomach, her chest, her heart. She completely understood what Theo had been talking about when he’d said it felt like there was a fist squeezing his heart . . . ripping it out of his chest.

God, she couldn’t breathe, she couldn’t think. All she wanted to do was get out of that building . . . get out of her body. Caro didn’t let go of Lucy, just held her tight as everything poured out of her. All of the pain and sorrow and regret. So much regret.

“What’s wrong with me?”

she asked when she was finally able to speak. “Why can’t I let him in?”

“There’s nothing wrong with you.”

Caro pulled back, holding Lucy’s face in her hands. There were tears tracking down her sister’s cheeks too, her eyes watery. “And you’re fighting this with Theo because you’ve lost love before, and in the most permanent and profound way possible. We know what it’s like, Lucy. We know what it’s like to lose someone that we love with every part of our being. Mom died when we were way too young to understand . . . it made us part of a club that nobody wants to be in.”

“Luce, you were fifteen when you lost Rachel,”

Lilah said. “You lost your rock at one of the most critical times in your life. That’s formative. It changed you, for better or worse.”

“Apparently more for the worse. I don’t know how to do this.”

“You are capable of so much love,”

Sasha disagreed. “You can do this.”

“No, I can’t. Something is wrong with me. Something in me is broken. I’m broken.”

Lucy shook her head, blinking as a fresh wave of tears filled her eyes.

“You aren’t broken. Don’t talk about my friend that way.”

Lilah’s mouth had gone tight, her eyes narrowed as she defended Lucy from Lucy.

A humorless laugh escaped Lucy’s lips, and she shook her head. “I don’t want to talk at all anymore.”

“We don’t need to talk,”

Sasha agreed. “I think this might be an occasion for comfort food, cozy pajamas, and a good movie. Give me your keys. I’m driving you home and these two are going to meet us there.”

“All of my stuff is in my office.”

“Then what are we waiting for?”

Lilah asked.

Lucy turned the lights off in the auditorium—getting one more look at the man in the moon—before Caro and Lilah looped their arms through hers and marched her out of the room.

* * *

On Wednesday afternoon, Theo and Bear made their way through Sweeny Park just like they did every day at that time. The dog slowly meandered next to him, taking her time. It had been a week since her last vet appointment, and her stomach had gotten noticeably bigger.

She had less than three weeks left and was now being separated from other dogs. Bingley and Carl—the two dogs that had been frequenting the rescue pen at the café—had both been adopted, so Bear was spending the days there alone. Theo was grateful that he could still see her, especially as he wasn’t sure how much longer that was going to be the case.

It wasn’t like he thought Lucy would prevent him from being around Bear, it was just that he couldn’t be around Lucy.

He was more than aware that he had no willpower when it came to the woman, and he knew that she’d slowly chip away at his resolve. Nah, it wouldn’t be slow. It would happen in an instant, something as simple as her touching his hand, hearing her voice, smelling vanilla and cloves on her skin or in her hair.

With each day that had passed, the ache in his chest had gotten so much worse. It had taken less than three weeks for her to become enmeshed in his life . . . in his heart. He missed her so much it physically hurt. Apparently loving Lucy just equaled pain.

Maybe it would get easier. Maybe when she finally left town again he’d be able to breathe without feeling that tightening sensation in his chest. Or maybe this was his new normal. Was this what unrequited love was like? He should ask Max. The man had dealt with it for fourteen years before he’d reunited with Caro.

Oh god, Theo would go insane if he felt this way for fourteen years. The pain was unbearable. It hadn’t hurt this badly last time he and Lucy had fallen apart. Maybe because he hadn’t known he was in love with her. Ignorance had been his only saving grace. He didn’t have that now.

He knew what it was like to wake up with her in his arms. He knew what it was like to get to hold her hand in public, to pull her in close for a kiss and not worry about who was around them. He knew what it was like to lean in close to her, breathing her in as he whispered something in her ear. He knew what it was like to share that secret smile with her when they were surrounded by people. He knew what it was like to think that she was his.

I’m yours, Theo.

She’d said it. She’d said those words and he’d believed them.

Theo had a glimpse of what a future with her could be. The thing was, she wasn’t ready for a future. She wanted in the moment, and from how things had gone on Monday, she wanted that until she picked up her life again and left. But he couldn’t live that way, waiting for the music to stop with him standing in the middle of the room alone.

No, it was better this way. He’d been the one to stop the music. It would just be easier if he didn’t have the sound of her singing replaying in his head.

But, as Theo had long ago learned, when it came to Lucy absolutely nothing was easy.

* * *

Lucy stood in her living room, staring at the custom whelping box the Savage brothers had just delivered and set up. It was made of solid wood, stained a rich mahogany, and had an adjustable door at the front. There was a little holder for a heated lamp to hang over, and a big squishy pillow that was covered in a removable case.

Theo had ordered it, he’d even gotten replacement covers in a variety of colors and patterns, because of course he did.

Bear had already climbed inside and was pawing at the pillow, fluffing it and getting it into the position she wanted. She did a few spins before dramatically flopping down, like the procedure had been exhausting for her.

Lucy had gotten the whole thing on film. Over the last two weeks, it had been ingrained in her to film everything that had to do with Bear. Since Tuesday, she’d only been sending the videos to Gia, whose response was always a thumbs-up. That was it.

Not surprisingly, it had been radio silence when it came to Theo. She’d wanted to call, wanted to hear his voice. She actually wanted to see him in person, tell him how much she missed him. Not that it would do much good. It wouldn’t change anything, and she’d ultimately just end up crying again. Though that had been happening on and off since Monday night.

Some sort of floodgate had been opened and the only time she could keep it together was when she was at school. And even then, she had to excuse herself to go to the bathroom a few times a day so that she could escape prying eyes.

The only thing that really saved her was that she was busy at school. Rehearsals were happening every day, the students and teachers were preparing for finals the following week, and everyone was still hyped up from the football team winning state. At least there were some distractions to provide a little relief.

But those distractions were nonexistent when Lucy was home. She’d never had a breakup that felt like a death before, but that was the only way she could explain it. This thing with Theo was bigger than anything she’d ever known. The end seemed final, like there was no going back. She couldn’t fix it because she couldn’t fix herself.

It was true that a big part of her damage was from her mother; that was clear. But it hadn’t just been losing Rachel. It had been the aftermath. How her father had become a shell of himself for years. How Caro had ended things with Max and spent fourteen years living in limbo without him.

Lucy had watched everything fall apart around her while her own life had gotten out of control. That was when the bulimia had started. She’d already had an unhealthy self-image, always being bigger than everyone else, but things escalated in a matter of no time at all.

It had taken so much therapy for Lucy to finally get to a good place, but then not even a year ago she’d let her ex get in her head. He’d had way more power than she’d ever expected, and he’d messed with her, manipulated her. In a matter of months, he’d slowly dismantled things that had taken her more than a decade to build. She hadn’t even realized it was happening until it was too late. That was when she’d had to get out, so she ran.

Lucy was used to running away. It was how she’d gotten to California in the first place. She’d run from Cruickshank seven years ago, run from the death of her mother, which she’d never fully dealt with, run from a life she thought she didn’t want . . . run from Theo.

But then she’d gotten back here, and she’d found something she hadn’t realized she’d been missing, probably because she hadn’t really appreciated it in the first place. She’d found a place where she belonged, found a man who wanted her . . . a man who loved her. Why did that scare her beyond all reason?

Because he means more. Because he’s always meant more.

Letting Theo in—really letting Theo in—would make her more vulnerable than she’d ever been in her life. Just look at the damage a man she didn’t love had done. Theo would have the ability to destroy her.

But you’re destroying yourself.

God, this sucked. Every single part of it. She hated it. There was so much that she was feeling and she didn’t understand it. It all felt so impossible. She paced around the apartment for a bit, needing to find something to occupy herself before family dinner night. The last thing she wanted to do was be around people, but she wasn’t going to stand up her father.

That was when her eyes landed on her guitar, and she was across the room in an instant. Writing songs and singing had always been one of the best outlets for her emotions, and there was no better time than the present. Lately she’d been working on her music at school, so she’d gotten out of the habit of recording herself. She wasn’t exactly a fan of watching herself, but she’d often catch something that she missed. A lyric or riff that she’d failed to write down.

Maybe she’d figure something else out if she played it back, like how to fix her life. Or maybe that was reaching.

Lucy set her phone up to record, grabbed her notebook and pen, and sat cross-legged on the sofa next to Estee. It took her a second to get comfortable, but when she did, she let herself get lost in the music. The song was one that she’d been working on for years, seven, in fact. It was a song about love, about finding that one person and never letting go. She hadn’t finished it because she just couldn’t quite get it right. Something had always been off with it, and she still couldn’t figure it out.

She played with the lyrics, stopping every once in a while to jot a note down, or cross something out.

“This time I’ll give you all of me. You’re what I want, you’re what I need.

“So here I am standing at your door. I know I broke us once before. You’re all I’ve wanted all these years. Please don’t let me leave in tears.

“I’ve been so scared of falling. What I didn’t understand was the fall would set me free. This time I’ll give you all of me. You’re what I want, you’re what I need.”

It was at this point that Bear made her way out of the whelping box, coming over and sitting down in front of the sofa. Lucy ran her fingers over the strings one more time, the sound vibrating around the room for just a second before she let go.

“Are you going to watch me sing?”

she asked the dog as she reached over and ruffled the top of her head.

Bear’s response was to nose at the guitar as if to say keep going.

“This pain is more than I can bear, I won’t walk away again, I swear. This time I’ll give you all of me. You’re all I want, you’re all I need.”

Lucy’s fingers continued to strum the guitar strings, and she closed her eyes as she gave in to the song, feeling the lyrics as she sang. She wasn’t sure when she’d started crying again, her teardrops landing on her guitar.

This time when Lucy stopped playing, Bear looked up at her with mournful eyes. It was as if she knew how much Lucy was hurting, understood it all perfectly as she laid her head on Lucy’s thigh. And that was when the last ounce of Lucy’s control floated away. She sunk down onto the floor, holding Bear as she cried for what felt like the hundredth time that week.