CHAPTER TWO
Consequences
Hannah
“How are you feeling now?” Milly lowered her voice, glancing around the bustling coffee shop, although Hannah doubted anyone was listening.
Few would be interested in the experiences of one neurotic woman with post-traumatic stress disorder.
“Much better.” Hannah feigned her upbeat timbre. “And the best part is, I haven’t seen either of my captors since that night in the club.”
“Don’t do that.” Shannon peered at Hannah from over her expensive coffee.
“Do what?” Hannah turned Shannon’s way. “I’m being honest.”
“And I’m glad,” Shannon retorted. “But don’t use that derisory tone about yourself. Han. You’ve been through so much, and you’re doing amazingly well.”
“You’re being kind.” Hannah shook her head with a smile.
There were no two ways about it. Both of her friends were angels. They’d been by her side day and night ever since her hallucination. Hell, Milly had even taken time away from her job to make sure Hannah wasn’t alone.
“We love you,” Milly reminded her. “And you’re being too hard on yourself.”
Hannah doubted that was true. She’d thought she’d been over the worst of the Lawes and Fuller experience, thought the court case and years of counseling would have laid their ghosts to rest, but she’d been wrong. The image of Lawes in that club had been as tangible as Milly was in the cafe. Hell, she’d even imagined bumping into him. If physical contact was possible in her invented landscape, what else could her mind conjure? She dreaded to think.
“My old shrink talked about this once.” Hannah glanced at the daily specials board. “It’s called psychological overspill, or something like that; when you’ve been through something so horrendous that the mind decompartmentalizes it, and it takes time for the remnants to surface.”
Hannah wasn’t sure if the condition she’d mentioned was real or something she’d just made up. Crippling self-doubt seemed to be a disconcerting, new reality for her. She didn’t seem able to trust anything she thought she saw or remembered anymore.
“That makes sense.” Shannon placed down her coffee cup. “You did go through something awful.”
“I know.” Hannah closed her eyes briefly, trying not to think of the dank basement where she and the others had been held. “It’s just… I thought I was over this by now.”
Over it? She might have laughed had her past not been so traumatic. There was no getting over what those men had done to her. She would carry the scars for the rest of her life.
“You’re doing so well.” Milly smiled, then added. “But perhaps it’s too soon for you to be looking for a man, Hannah. I mean, there’s no rush.”
“I need this, girls.” Hannah’s voice sounded pained. “I need something more in my life than only work and the memories.”
“You have us.” Milly patted her hand. “You always will.”
“I know, and I’m so thankful for you both.” Hannah’s gaze traveled between them. “But I feel ready, you know? The hallucination in the club was just a setback. I still need to move forward.”
Milly and Shannon shared a lingering glance, although neither one of them spoke.
“Well.” It was Shannon who ultimately splintered the silence. “If you’re sure, then of course we’re happy to help.” She gestured to the dating app on Hannah’s phone. The device had been sitting there as the three discussed her state of mind. “Show us who you have in mind.”
Hannah’s heart rate accelerated as she reached for her phone and flicked into her ‘favorited’ selection. Only two men had made the cut.
“These two.” She slid the phone across the small table for her friends to see.
The first, Rafael, was originally from Spain and worked in real estate, but it was the second, Saul, who had really caught her eye. His photograph showed a smart and driven man with a mischievous glint in his eyes, and Hannah liked the sound of that.
Despite the many horrors Lawes and Fuller had put her through, there was something that had shaken Hannah to her core, something she could never tell anyone.
The things they did to me.
Heat bloomed on her face as she pushed the sordid recollections away. The dentists had been pitiless and inhumane, but she’d never been able to get past the way their treatment had made her feel—the way they’d made her body feel. Just as the debasement had left psychological wounds, her physical reaction to their authority still haunted her. She remembered the electrifying touches and how they’d brought her to life—whether she’d liked it or not.
I didn’t like it. She swallowed down her rising emotions as the words pinballed around her head. No one could like the things they did.
No one sane could argue otherwise. The police had arrived, and they’d witnessed the scene for themselves—the cages and the chains. But deep down, Hannah was forced to acknowledge something else… something terrible. As well as the terror, there had also been the most incredible desire.
Lawes had done things to her she’d never even conceived, and even though she’d loathed the atrocious liberties he’d taken, she couldn’t deny, if only to herself, how much his approach had amplified her arousal. Hannah hadn’t realized she’d enjoyed the subjugation until he’d heaped it on her, but those dark memories still disturbed her dreams. Sometimes, they paralyzed her with fear, but at other times, her responses were different. She was ashamed of the number of nights she’d needed to relieve the tension at her core when those dreams had tugged her from sleep.
That was why Saul’s profile intrigued her so much. Something about the gleam in his gaze was naughty and called to the parts of her Lawes had awoken. That was what she wanted—as well as the tender care of a man who loved and respected her, she craved a partner who could dominate her in bed.
The best of both worlds. Her lips curled into a tiny smile. Once I trust him .
Hannah gripped the handle of her coffee cup as she watched Milly and Shannon evaluate her choices. Whoever she dated, trust was going to be a burning issue and one, she suspected, that would take a long time to resolve. But after many long nights of musing on the dilemma, Hannah knew it was time to take a risk and put herself out there.
“Well, okay.” Shannon’s gaze sparkled with interest as her gaze rose to Hannah’s. “These two look interesting. Who do you prefer?”
“I don’t know.” Excitement furled in Hannah’s belly at the lie. She knew precisely who she preferred, but for some reason, she couldn’t admit it to her friends.
In case they discover the truth .
She shifted uncomfortably in her chair, wondering if they’d noticed her growing blush. Fortunately, their focus was entirely on Hannah’s phone.
The long nights Hannah had spent wrestling with her proclivities had been hard enough. There was no way she was ready to disclose those feelings to her friends. She hadn’t even managed to confess them to her counselor, who, in principle, was bound to offer her confidentiality. The fact that she wasn’t able to confide in the two people who’d been there for her from the get-go gnawed at her, though. Shannon and Milly had been so good to her, and she repaid them with partial deception. It wasn’t right.
“I like him!” Milly pointed to the screen.
“I prefer the other one.” Shannon smirked as she glanced up. “He has sexy eyes.”
“Which one?” Hannah knew exactly who Shannon had chosen, but she played along regardless, noticing how her pulse sped up as Shannon elaborated.
“This guy.” Shannon flipped the phone around to face Hannah. “It doesn’t say much about him, though. Have the two of you chatted?”
“A little.” Hannah’s blush deepened. In the last few days, she and Saul had chatted a lot.
“I say, more than a little.” Shannon laughed. “Look how red she’s become, Milly!”
“Don’t!” Hannah’s hands rose to cover her heated cheeks. She loathed how easily her complexion gave her away. “I’ve never used online dating before, but, yeah, it has its advantages.”
She didn’t go into how she and Saul had spent days flirting online, how she’d revealed many of her dark fantasies to him, and how his domineering personality turned her on. Clenching her thighs below the table, Hannah was well aware of how their chats had affected her.
“It seems as though you’ve already made your choice, Han.” Milly chuckled as she sipped her coffee. “I say, go for it.”
“Really?” Somehow, Hannah had expected more resistance from her friends. She thought they’d continue the ‘it’s too soon’ mantra and try to convince her to back away from the dating app.
“You deserve to be happy.” Milly shrugged. “And you know we have your back.”
“Damn right,” Shannon concurred as she drained her drink. “If you agree to meet this, Saul, we want to know where and when, and we’ll expect you to check in after an hour, so we know you’re alright.” She winked. “Those are our terms, young lady.”
“Yes, Mum.” Hannah’s laughter filled the space around them as she reached for her phone.
Her tone was sardonic, but as she slipped her phone away, she’d rarely been more appreciative for such good friends.