Quiet Longing (Quiet Love #2)

18.

Rhys

As the days passed and Charli’s departure drew closer, tension brewed between us. She’d been spending time with Nuala, her mother, and her aunts most days, and then we’d hole up together in her room or the den at night. It felt like we were both avoiding the reality of our situation. Our kisses had become more urgent, a desperate edge to the sex like we were trying to grasp for the final pieces of each other before it ended.

We’d just finished watching a movie in her room when Charli sat up in the bed and turned to face me. “Don’t go to France. Come to America instead,” she blurted, and I stared at her for several long beats. She wanted me to come to America with her? Surprise filled me, but it was quickly followed by regret because, even though a part of me wanted nothing more than to be with her, I knew it wasn’t possible.

“Charli,” I breathed, a brick sinking in my stomach. “I can’t do that.”

She slid closer, grabbing my hands in hers like I might slip away if she didn’t keep hold of me. “Why? You said you need to get away from Ireland, so why not just change the destination? There’s so much you could do in Boston. If you don’t want to go to school, you could get a job somewhere near my college. We could find a small apartment off campus and—”

“Charli, stop,” I pleaded, pain slicing through me. The future she painted was a pretty one, but I knew it wouldn’t work out that way. Maybe we’d be together for a couple months, and things would be great, but she’d soon grow tired of me. And I’d grow restless. The demons inside me would eat me alive without an outlet to tame them.

Her eyes watered, and I hated myself for making her so upset. “Rhys, please, just hear me out. At least say you’ll consider it.”

“I can’t.”

Her hands squeezed mine. “Yes, you can. You don’t have to become a soldier. They are other ways to—”

“I do, Charli. I do .”

She sat back, deflated. “I don’t understand why you’re doing this.”

The dejection on her voice caused a sharp sting in my breastplate. “I have this … this restlessness inside me,” I said, searching for the right words to explain. “The way my childhood was, feeling so powerless all the time, I need to prove to myself that I can be strong, that no one will ever make me feel as small and weak as my father did. But the road to becoming that man isn’t in some college town with a beautiful, smart, caring girl like you. It’s a hard road, one with struggle, conflict, and pain . I can’t explain it, but I yearn for that struggle. I need a brutal routine. I need someone yelling at me to get the fuck up when I fall down, to taunt me when I want to quit. It feels like it’s the only thing that will ease the restlessness, the only way to slay the demons that eat away at me.”

“Demons?” she whispered.

“So many of them.” I stroked her cheek, my gut twisting with memories of being stomped on, kicked, punched, objects thrown at me. And even more memories of having to watch the same being done to my mother. Of fighting him but not being big or powerful or courageous enough to stop him. My father wasn’t the only bully in this world, and I knew I’d come up against more like him. But next time, I’d be ready. The army would turn me into a fighter, a survivor. Then nobody would be able to make me feel like my dad did ever again.

“Oh, Rhys,” she breathed. “There are other ways to tackle demons.”

“There aren’t. Not for me. Don’t you think if there was I’d be getting on that bloody plane with you? You’re in here, Charli.” I took her hand and pressed it flat to my chest right over my racing heart. “There’s no getting you out now, and it kills me that you’re going home. I feel like I can’t breathe whenever I think about it, but me moving to America with you, it wouldn’t end well. Those demons I mentioned? They’d swallow me up, and then you’d be left to clean up the mess.”

“That’s not true. If you come with me, we can tame them together.”

Christ, this girl. She had me in a chokehold. “I wish we could,” I murmured, pulling her to me and wrapping my arms around her tight. “I really wish we could.”

Charli wept into my shirt, and I felt like the biggest piece of shit in the world. Derek had been right. Charli and I never should’ve gotten involved. Not only was it threatening to break me apart, but it was breaking her, too. I felt it in the way her body wracked against mine, her sadness overflowing.

“I’ll write you letters,” I said, rubbing soothing circles into her back.

She sniffled and glanced up at me, her hazel eyes red from crying. “Letters?”

“Yeah,” I replied, my chest constricting. “Or emails if you’d prefer. I probably won’t have regular access to the internet once I start my training, but I can write to you whenever I’m at a computer. We can … we can keep in touch. You can tell me all about college, and I’ll write to you about what I’m doing.”

“Okay,” she sniffled again, some of the light returning to her eyes. “I’d like that.” She shifted a little but stayed close, my arms still wrapped around her. “God, look at your shirt. I’ve ruined it. I’m such a blubbering disaster. I’m so sorry, Rhys.”

“Don’t apologise. I’m the bastard who made you cry. I deserve my shirt to get ruined.” I deserved more than that. Should’ve bloody listened to Derek in the first place and kept my distance. Then I never would’ve made her cry like this.

A short silence fell before she broke it, “So, um, after you enlist, exactly how long do you have to serve for?”

I tensed at her question, knowing she wasn’t going to like the answer. “Five years.”

Her eyes flared wide. “ Five years? ”

I nodded sadly. She shook her head. “That’s … that’s such a long time. I’ll be finished with college in three, and you’ll still be …”

“Yeah,” I breathed, unsure if I’d ever felt such turmoil. Not even when Dad was at his very worst did I feel this torn up inside. “I’ll still be there.”

That night, Charli and I kissed and held each other, but we didn’t go any further than that. Our melancholy was too overpowering. And when the day came when she was to fly home with her mother, I did the mature, grown-up thing.

I avoided her.

Yep, pretty shite behaviour from me. I went out running with Derek, prolonging it by an extra mile because I knew that as soon as I got back to the house, Charli and I would say goodbye. She’d go home, leaving a giant, gaping hole in her wake.

Charli

My bags were packed, and Uncle Padraig was ready to bring us to the airport. I paced in the kitchen, constantly checking the clock and fretting. Rhys had gone out running with Derek, and I feared he wasn’t going to make it back before I had to leave.

The last few days had been painful. Rhys and I had talked for a long time, and I finally understood why he couldn’t come to America with me. Once he’d explained it, I completely got it. There was something inside him, something his father put there, and it needed to be pulled out. The only way he could do that was through rigorous, unrelenting routine and struggle.

We’d agreed to keep in touch, to email and stay up to date on each other’s lives. It was a small comfort, but a part of me knew that even keeping in touch wouldn’t bridge the gap of five whole years. Rhys might get some short periods of leave, but they wouldn’t be enough for us to forge a relationship. And besides, he had his mom to look out for. It wasn’t like he could use all his time off to come see me. No, I had to be unselfish in this even if a large part of me just wanted to lash out and demand he let me keep him all to myself.

Mom was in the living room with Aunt Jo. I’d already said my tearful goodbyes to Nuala, Tristan, Derek, and my aunt and uncle, promising I’d come visit again soon. I was going to miss them all like crazy but not as much as I’d miss the boy who’d quietly crept up on me that summer and stole my heart.

The back door opened, and I startled. Derek and Rhys appeared, sweaty and gulping mouthfuls of water as they arrived home from their run. My eyes found Rhys’, and I soaked him in. I had no idea what the future held. He might join some foreign army, go off to war, and get killed. I might succumb to a hereditary condition just like my birth mother had. One thing was for certain—if we ever did meet again, we wouldn’t be the same boy and girl who’d gotten swept up in one another for a sweet, blissful summer by the sea.

“I’ll leave you two to talk,” Derek said awkwardly before he swiftly left the room. I was barely aware of him, too busy cataloguing Rhys’ face, committing him to memory. His eyes remained glued to the shiny countertop like he couldn’t bring himself to look at me.

Stepping close, my hand reached out but he moved away, his voice strained when he muttered, “I’m all sweaty.”

My heart sank. I swallowed the lump in my throat and nodded. “We’re leaving for the airport soon. I wasn’t sure I’d get a chance to say goodbye.” My voice broke a little as I held back tears.

“Charli, listen—”

“No, I was being selfish trying to get you to come to America. You’ve got your own plans, and it’s not like you’re going to give them up for some girl you’re sleeping with.”

“You’re not just some girl,” he countered, his eyes darkening.

“I know that. We’ve become close this summer. You’re one of the best people I’ve ever met, Rhys, and I guess a part of me doesn’t want to let you go.”

“Fuck,” he swore, wiping some of the sweat from his brow as he moved towards me. “Come here,” he murmured before tugging me into his arms. He wrapped me in a hug so tight and all-consuming it knocked the wind out of me. The hug said so many things Rhys probably wasn’t brave enough to say. It told me my leaving was just as difficult for him as it was for me, perhaps even more so.

“Sorry. I’m getting my sweat all over you,” he said, pressing his mouth to my hair.

“I don’t mind.” I really didn’t. I wanted his scent on me so I could remember him. If I didn’t wash these clothes, I could let them comfort me when I was home in Boston, trying to latch on to the memories we’d made. The hoodie he’d given me was neatly packed away in my suitcase. I had a feeling I was going to be wearing it a lot.

“Charlotte! We’re leaving,” Mom called, and my stomach bottomed out. Every part of me didn’t want to leave the familiar, comforting warmth of Rhys’ arms.

Unable to hold the tears back any longer, I let them fall as I finally withdrew. I wiped at them, sniffling as I poked him in the chest, “Don’t you forget about me, okay?”

“How could I forget about the most amazing girl I’ve ever known?” he replied, and that just made me want to cry harder. There was a sheen of emotion in his eyes, too, and I knew he was struggling.

“Okay, I’m going,” I said, thinking that perhaps tearing off the bandage was best. “Thank you for the most amazing, wonderful summer, Rhys Doyle.”

His expression was full of conflict as I turned on my heel and headed for the door. “Charli,” he said, a desperation in his voice. Turning back, I noticed him clenching and unclenching his fist. I felt like he wanted to say something important, but then finally, he simply said, “Safe flight, yeah?”

My stomach sank, and I nodded, taking one final look at him before I continued on my way. Boston, college, and my entire future was waiting for me, but the sinking feeling remained, some foreboding voice in my head telling me that wherever my path took me, nothing would compare to my one unforgettable summer with a perfectly unforgettable boy.