Rebirth (Lost Souls #1)

Chapter 8

V ague memories of a dream linger in my mind, making me feel sick. A nightmare about my last moments, just remembering it already is enough to make me sick. My stomach churns, and I run to the toilet. As empty as it feels afterward, so does my heart.

I slump to the floor, the tiles cold under me, and cry as I mourn the loss of my old life. Even though that life could have been so much more, it also could have been so much less. I mourn that life, for what it was, could have been, and never was. But also for the person that I was then, for the innocence I had once upon a time that is now forever lost.

When all of my tears have left me, I wipe my face and run a warm bath. Not only do I look filthy, but I also feel filthy, down to my bones. The running water from the tap mesmerizes me, freezing me in my place. There are flashes of a red room, my body lying on a metal table, stripped bare and put back together. Yellow eyes looking up at me. It was him; it has to be. Moreover, I’m not shocked by this revelation. I understand why he did what he did, why he rebuilt me. Seeing where I came from, where I had been… Being filthy doesn’t even begin to cover it .

If only I could do the same thing right now, just to get rid of this disgusting feeling. Instead, I do the next best thing and put a healing spell on the water. “Aao ial pir gah baltoha comselh yolci luciftias bolp como bliort pamt.” The magic is quickly absorbed by the water, giving it a satisfying ice-blue shine.

I remove my corset, throw my dress aside, and carefully step in the tub. The water is hot against my cold skin and, when I sit down, a satisfied sigh leaves me. My body relaxes, some of the tension stripped away by both the hot water and the healing spell. It’s as if a weight is lifted from my shoulders while cementing my determination.

Knowing that I only have limited time left, it doesn’t take long for me to leave the bath and return to the garden, my notes in hand.

Sophia stands waiting for me at my usual spot. She looks concerned. “Aeliana,” she says, “please, reconsider.”

“Let it go. I won’t change my mind.”

“You have no idea where this path will lead you.”

“Do you , then?” I ask her, annoyed.

Sophia clearly wants to answer, but she hesitates, biting her lip and avoiding my gaze. “If you’re worried that I’ll end up doing something that I’m not allowed to, then don’t. I’ll take responsibility for my actions. Afterward.”

“You are willing to potentially lay down your life for this?”

“Yes.”

“And what if this, all of this”—she gestures with her arms—“is orchestrated, just to see what you would do? Making it all meaningless?”

Looking at Sophia, I consider her words for a moment. “If this really is a setup, then so be it.”

She grabs my arm as I walk past her. “What happened to your kindness, Aeliana?” she asks, desperation thick in her voice.

I try not to recoil from her, to not let her see what it does to me that she somehow seems to know that my kindness was all that was left of me in the end. All that kept me from giving up, until?—

“It died the day that I died,” I answer coldly.

She lets go of my arm, her eyes cold. “Fine, if that is how you want it to be, then be this way. At least I tried to warn you.”

“Warn me about what? If I’m expected to play by some set of rules, then explain them to me. Am I going to be punished if I go through with this because the rules say so? Fine, then I’ll be punished. I don’t care,” I spit at her.

“There are things that I am not supposed to tell you.”

“Then perhaps you should stop telling me things altogether.”

Sophia balks and takes a step away from me. “Don’t say that,” she says, shocked.

“Why not? I understand if you don’t want to be a part of it, but at least let me do this. Wouldn’t you do the same if you were in my place?”

“I would not,” she answers, “because I am not selfish like that.”

“Excuse me?” The words hit me hard. Selfish is something I tend to make sure I’m not. Ever. Always thinking of others, never myself, as the other side of the coin of that kindness she mentioned earlier. While in reality it was out of the idiotic fear of being judged. Being called exactly what she’s calling me now: selfish. I knew it was stupid back then and I know it now, yet I can’t help the way her calling me that makes me feel. Hurt, for the one time that I want to do something for my own sake. Even if it could cost me everything. Again.

“Before I came here, I lost everything. The people that I loved, everyone that I knew, were meaninglessly slaughtered. So, I have come to treasure whatever life this is. For it is a life, nevertheless. It is something that my loved ones no longer have. I could never betray that. You, too, should be grateful that you were given this second chance. So, please, leave your old life behind and make something good of this new one.” Sophia takes my hands in hers and looks at me, hopeful.

“I’m making something good of it,” I say, feeling myself calm down. “I feel better, stronger than ever before, like my own person. And this… I need to do this, or I won’t be able to leave it behind me. I need to do this if I want to be able to move on. Please, Sophia, I beg of you to understand.”

She nods quietly and says, “I do. If it is about closure, then I understand.” She looks away, almost as if she’s embarrassed. “Just… be safe. Do not do anything stupid.” She blushes. “I do not want to lose another person I care about.”

I don’t really know what to make of that. Has she been acting like this because she cares? Trying to deter me because she doesn’t want to see me get hurt? On the other hand, I don’t really know her, so, like she implied, all of it could be orchestrated. Even this. The mere idea in itself is enough to cause me exactly that hurt.

Despite my better judgment, my heart skips a beat at her admission. And then Sophia leans in and places a soft kiss on my lips. My eyes widen, but before I have the chance to react, she turns around and walks away. My cheeks heat as I come to realize that her kiss means that she cares about me beyond just friendship.

I lift a trembling finger and carefully touch my lips, thinking about how it made me feel—like someone precious. I’m glad that Sophia didn’t give me the chance to react, for I have no idea how without showing her that I don’t fully trust her. I feel conflicted, because I do want to trust her. I want her friendship, and perhaps even whatever this might be. But I used to be someone that trusted easily, until the person I trusted the most betrayed me. Seeing how that ended for me, how his betrayal turned my life inside out, I’m not very eager to possibly repeat that mistake.

Besides, ever since I was a child, I was told that it could only ever be a man and a woman. Of course, I used to be curious, but my circumstances made certain that curiosity was all it could ever be. In that life, I was terrified of sinning. Until my life became a string of sins.

I swallow hard in an attempt to clear my mind. I need to remain focused.

Thinking about what I’m planning to do going forward, I realize that I’m mere actions removed from going down a path that I won’t ever be able to return from. If I’m not already going to burn for my sins, I will definitely burn after I’m through.

“ Y ou know… I could help, if you would let me?” Sophia’s question catches me off guard, her constant change of attitude giving me whiplash. Looking up from my notes, I frown at her, irritation undoubtedly clear on my face. It seems that she and Isra share this trait of not being able to make up their minds.

“After all that berating earlier, now you suddenly want to help me?” I don’t trust it, not really.

She shrugs and gives me a slightly embarrassed smile, clearly not getting the hint that I don’t feel like accepting her offer. And then I remember that kiss, the feeling of her soft lips against mine, and I quickly turn away as a blush creeps up on me.

I blink through my embarrassment until I feel myself calm down. A deep breath in, a slow one out, and I come to consider that it might be a good idea—safe, even—to have an extra pair of eyes on it in case there’s something I missed. I’m definitely not going to ask him for his input.

“Okay, fine,” I say, gesturing for her to take a seat next to me so I can give her a quick explanation.

Sophia gathers a chair from another desk and joins me. She looks at my notes in anticipation, but my eyes linger on her face and the way her eyes reflect the flames from the fire burning in front of us. The flames with a color so similar to her magic that it makes me wonder if that is what shaped it.

Biting the inside of my cheek, I lower my gaze to the papers in front of me. “I’m working on a transportation spell,” I start to explain, “based on the spell from before. The idea is that it will once again connect me with my husband. But instead of being a spectator, I want to physically go to him.”

I look at Sophia to see if she’s following. She nods at me to continue. “I’ve already managed to create a sort of portal that I can put my arm through, but I wasn’t able to contact the other side. The time limit was too short, and the spell was not powerful enough for more, so I need to fix that.”

“I cannot believe that you are already at a level where you are creating your own spells,” Sophia says after being silent for a moment. She sounds genuinely impressed.

The compliment makes me blush slightly. “Well, it’s not that complicated when you understand the composition of the magic circles. The wording is actually the most challenging part.”

I show her my notes, and she nods approvingly as she goes through them, leaning on the desk.

“What about the sacrifice?” Sophia then asks.

“For the test run I used my own blood as before, but I don’t think it’s enough for what I want to accomplish. The problem is that I won’t be able to really test it if I have to cut off a limb.”

Sophia nods again as she hands me the notes back. “When the time is here, you will need to make a sacrifice and hope that it is good enough.” It’s my turn to nod as she hits the nail on the head. “Meaning that until then, you will not be certain that your spell works.”

“Exactly, which is why a second opinion on my work could prove to be valuable.”

“Did you design the circle yourself, from scratch?” Sophia asks me while looking at my sketches.

“I did, based on the different components that make up the basic circles.”

“Impressive,” Sophia says. “Have you already tried it out?”

“Yes, when I was able to transport my arm. But it’s possible that the spell is also lacking, meaning it could be a combination of both that and an insufficient sacrifice.”

Sophia looks at my notes for the incantation, and I almost hear her thinking. “To be honest, the spell looks good. Then again, I am not fluent either,” she finally says.

“Is anyone?”

“He is,” she answers with a pained look.

Just the mere mention of him is enough for my chest to start aching. My whole body itches to follow that pull toward him. It's annoying, and I don’t understand it. Nor do I want any part of it, so I’m hoping that ignoring it will make it go away. Wishful thinking, probably.

“I’m definitely not going to ask him for help,” is all I say on the matter while I take the notes back from her. “If he knows about it, he might try to stop me.”

“Aeliana,” Sophia says, hesitating. “He already knows.”

Shock ripples through me, and I almost drop the papers, giving her an accusatory glare. “Did you tell him?” I bite at her with an angry look.

“No, he already knew. He knows everything that happens here,” she replies with a shake of her head.

I silently curse at myself. Of course he does. I’m such an idiot. “Well, he hasn’t stopped me yet, so I guess that’s a good sign.”

“I really cannot say.”

“And thus, nothing changes,” I mumble, biting the inside of my cheek in slight frustration.

A trickle of doubt finds a way into my mind, and I try to shake it off by closing my eyes and taking a few deep breaths. My conviction is something that I can’t afford to lose. “I guess I should go back to work, then. Make some final improvements.”

Sophia nods and gets up, looking back at me before she leaves. “Come and get me before you are to start casting the spell, okay? Just in case.”

“Will do,” I say. When she smiles at me, I return it, slightly more sincere than the last time.