Rejected and Regretted (Ashen Wolves #1)

18

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A V R I L

Koen stayed with me, comforting me, holding me in his arms, until I was calm enough to feel awkward about how intimate we were. My brain tried to be rational, reminding me that Koen was not and would never be a friend, yet my heart begged to differ. How could he be the enemy when I felt so safe near him?

When I finally pulled away from him, confused about my own feelings, he grabbed a pair of shorts they kept scattered around the borders, covering up. I was still in shock as he led me back to the town square. Every slight movement caught in my peripheral vision or faintest sound captured by my ears startled me. I knew I was safe, yet the recent events were still fresh in my mind, preventing me from fully relaxing.

As soon as we reached the main part of the territory, I found my beta and gamma desperately searching for me. Relief washed over their faces the minute they spotted me, and a second later, they were in front of me. Koen didn’t seem thrilled about their presence, if his jaw clenching was anything to go by. He was even less fond of the idea of leaving me, yet after I insisted I was fine, he reluctantly let us go.

By the time I finished explaining to them how I had failed miserably on my mission to explore the packhouse for the second time, Kea was beginning to float back to the surface as the wolfsbane left my system. She felt terribly guilty about not having been able to help me. Even as I returned to my room to sleep while my friends stood guard outside, she continued to apologize.

“I’m so sorry I left you to fend for yourself against that jerk,” she whimpered. “You needed me and I did nothing.”

“It wasn’t your fault,” I told her for the thousandth time, hoping this time it’d soothe her. “Besides, I would have been able to beat him just fine without your help if he hadn’t been a complete coward.”

“I know. It makes me sick to think about what he tried to do to you,” she observed. Shivers ran down my spine as I recalled Chad’s threats, and how I couldn’t fight back. But my wolf didn’t seem to notice my reaction as she went on, “Goddess, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m glad Koen was there for you. For us.”

At last, she grew quiet, and I knew exactly why. Like me, she was trying to comprehend the strange way she felt toward the mate who had forsaken us five years ago. The mate without whom we both learned to live. The mate who taught us that, if the one who was fated to defend us was capable of throwing us out without blinking, then we’d have to defend ourselves.

Yet, here he was now, protecting me when I couldn’t protect myself, over and over again, always on time.

Once I managed to push away my incoherent thoughts, blaming them on the intense wave of emotions I had just experienced, a series of questions sprouted in my mind. It was weird how, on three separate occasions, Koen had appeared just in time to assist me. How did he know where I was? How did he always seem to know when I was in danger? Was his desperate need to protect me his attempt to make up for failing me when I was eighteen? Or could he know where and when to find me because he was behind everything?

It all seemed to revolve around the same dilemmas. Friend or foe. Truthful or liar. Innocent or guilty. I always instinctively picked the latter, yet I was beginning to think that the world may not be as black and white as I had always believed.

Falling asleep proved a challenge when every time I closed my eyes, I saw Chad’s sinister grin. After jolting up in bed more than a couple times, unable to escape the nightmare that had almost come true, I eventually gave up trying. As embarrassing as it was to admit that I was allowing a dead man to haunt me, it was true.

Still, when the sun came up, I put on a brave face and acted as if I hadn’t been affected at all by the events of the past night - even if the two males outside my door made it hard for me to keep it up.

“How did you sleep, Alp- Avril?” Theo asked, his concern for me almost blowing up our disguise. Luckily, there was no one around this early in the morning.

“Like a pup,” I lied, sticking to my stone face. “As you can see, the boogieman didn’t come for me. You have nothing to worry about.”

“That’s a relief,” Elijah added sincerely, though when he started following me, I understood that wasn’t the end of it. “We’ll stick around just to be safe.”

“I don’t need you two glued to me. I can fend for myself,” I insisted, slightly annoyed. The last thing I wanted was for them to see me as incompetent. I was the alpha; I should protect them, not the other way around.

“Oh, we know,” Theo acknowledged. “But we’re not going anywhere.”

His mate nodded. “We’ll never leave your side again.”

I sighed. Great . Just great . At least, having two strong men on each arm would make me less approachable. Especially to the person I wanted to avoid the most - the one whom I kept meeting.

As expected, I hadn’t even made it out of the village when I saw his face.

“Avril,” Koen called my name softly. His eyes lingered on mine before they shifted between the two warriors by my side. There it was - the same look of displeasure he had demonstrated the night before. As he focused back on me, he quickly shook it off, taking a step in my direction. “How are you?”

“Fine. Is there a reason I shouldn’t be?” I answered defensively. The last thing I wanted was his pity, and I wouldn’t thank him if my life depended on it. There was nothing I wanted to discuss with him.

Yet, Koen was clearly not on the same page, because he stood still in front of me, blocking my path.

“What Chad did-” he begun, flames dancing in his eyes at the mention of the fucker’s name.

“Chad’s dead,” I spat, grasping onto whatever reassurance the fact could offer me. “There’s nothing to talk about.” I tried to move past him, but he rushed in front of me, forcing me to look at him.

“If there’s anything I can do for you…” he continued, his fists clenched to his sides as if he was refraining from reaching out and touching me.

I forced a smile, hiding my growing anger behind it. I hated his compassion. I hated the way he looked at me as if I was a helpless princess who needed to be protected.

But, most of all, I hated feeling like he was the only one who could take my pain away.

“Like I said, I’m fine,” I pushed, my tone harsher. At last, he seemed to grasp it. “Thank you for your time, Alpha. I won’t take up any more of it.”

This time, when I stepped forward, he didn’t try to stop me. As obvious as his dissatisfaction was, he didn’t continue to pester me. Though my chest ached, I also experienced a hint of relief.

Last night, Chad reminded me of how it was to feel powerless. When Koen saved me, he awakened something I had learned to live without; something I never wanted to depend on ever again. When he looked at me, he reached out to a part of myself I had tried to bury, and I was afraid it would come back to the surface. I was afraid of what I felt when I was with him.

It was in my best interest to stay away from him.