Rescuing Ryder (Serenity Securities, Team Hawk #1)

Chapter 42

CHAPTER FORTY-TWO

Claire searched for Ryder during the Halloween party. Kassie coaxed Tex and his family to join them. She smiled as she watched Akilah explain her arm prosthesis to a curious Sara. She felt that before the night ended, Sara might request to talk to the therapist about a prosthesis and take the next step.

She ushered a few teens out of darkened corners. Leo mouthed thank you to her as she passed him, as he glanced at Melody. It took her longer than expected to get the tangled sucker from Melody’s hair and she missed speaking with Ryder’s friend, Tex and his family.

Kassie approached. She, Emma, and Tori wore matching pumpkin outfits, appearing as adorable as ever. Claire longed to experience the happiness she saw in her friend one day.

“Your shift ended. Now Ivan’s men will take over babysitting. I pity the teens caught by his men. Do you want to join us?” Kassie asked.

“Thank you. I came up with Bryanna early this morning and I’m bushed. I’ll head home with Jake and Carol,” Claire explained.

Kassie nodded. “Claire, Leo informed me they offered Ryder the corpsman position for Team Hawk. He turned it down this afternoon. Do you know why? Whiskey talked to him, and I wondered if he had spoken with you about it.”

Claire shrugged her shoulders. “The last time I saw Ryder, he was speaking with Tex. He doesn’t like to talk to me about the serious stuff.”

“I received a message from him around dinner time. Ryder asked me to set up transportation home for Monday. I plan to stop by the cabin tonight. If he isn’t there, I’ll reach out to him tomorrow. I wanted you to know.”

“Thank you for telling me,” Claire murmured, shocked.

Kassie returned to her family. Claire caught up with Jake and asked for a ride to the cabin. She knocked on Ryder’s door, but he didn’t answer. Her heart raced as she wondered where he stayed all day.

Claire returned to Jake and Carol’s car and they dropped her off at home. She unlocked the door and punched in the code to the alarm. Feeling along the wall, she turned on the lamp in the hall. Slipping off her shoes, she went into the kitchen and put on water for a cup of tea. She entered her office, pulled out the hidden file, and returned to the living room. She sat before the fire and sipped her tea while she opened the folder.

“You’re breaking the rules again,” Ryder’s voice came from the hall.

Startling her, she dropped the cup of tea, spilling it on her fingers, causing her to hiss at the hot liquid.

“Ryder. You scared me half to death. Where did you go this evening?” Claire walked toward him.

Ryder’s eyes appeared bloodshot, yet she didn’t smell any alcohol.

“Ryder?” She stopped before him, searching his face.

“I’m leaving, Claire. I’m returning home.”

Claire swallowed, attempting to pull up everything her education taught her. “Do you want to talk about it?” she asked softly.

“I wanted to thank you. It’s not your fault. I’m ready to return. The mountain helped me, and I’m grateful for the time I spent here.”

“Then why do you want to leave?” Claire whispered. “It doesn’t make sense. What about the people here? They’ve grown to care for you. What about Scott?” She grasped at straws, trying to come up with a reason for him to stay.

Ryder cupped her cheek and smiled sadly.

“Talk to me,” Claire pleaded.

He sighed. “I don’t have an urge to self-harm. You’ve done your job. You’ve given me the tools to handle living like this.”

Claire shook her head. “You’re not ready. There’s so much more, Ryder. You’re on the cusp of something bigger than you ever imagined.”

“I’m ready to go,” he insisted.

“Why did you turn the job offer down? Did it have anything to do with me?” she questioned.

“No.” Ryder shook his head.

“What about me?” she whispered. “I thought…”

“You deserve a life with a man like Gregory Klein. A man who comes home in suits and plays the stock market. You don’t want some damaged sad sack who you can’t rely on,” Ryder stated convincingly.

“What if I want you?” Claire’s green eyes pooled with tears. “I didn’t count on you, and yet you protected me. You stayed with me and chased the monsters away. I still have projects,” her voice drifted off.

“Claire, don’t make this harder than it already is. You need someone who you can count on,” Ryder chided softly.

Anger boiled up inside her. Claire didn’t like this Ryder. This guy needed a serious ass-kicking. He whined. The man Claire knew would rather she punch him in the nose.

“Fine. Leave. You’re not ready and no amount of talking will convince you,” she demanded angrily.

“Don’t get angry. I want us to remain friends,” Ryder soothed and stepped toward her.

“I don’t want your friendship.” She avoided him. “Where do you get off telling me what I need? You don’t even see what’s been staring you in the face this entire time,” Claire yelled and turned toward the couch.

Ryder’s hand shot out to turn her around when Claire shoved his chest.

“What the hell do you mean?” Ryder seethed.

“You're leaving because you don’t want to face the hard shit. It’s all nice to string the nice doctor along and leave when the going gets tough. You’re only doing what you do best. Run, Ryder. You ensured no one would come after you this time. You made Tex promise to leave you alone and you’re leaving behind all your connections here. All because you don’t want to work through it.” Claire barely controlled her voice.

“Lady, you don’t know how hard I’ve worked.” Ryder’s jaw clenched and his hands gripped his hips as he stared Claire down.

“Oh yes, I do. I’ve read every single report. You worked hard at pushing people away,” Claire challenged. “As soon as they dug deeper to help you, you ran. Or you allowed them to medicate you until you walked around in zombie mode.”

“I never liked the meds. You know I hated them,” he yelled back.

Claire shook her head. “You used them to numb the voices. When they stopped working, you went on to something else.”

“You act like I’m a drug user? People like you gave me the meds,” Ryder accused.

“I read your file. I know why you run. When will you stop and fight?” Claire raised her voice.

“Fight for what?” Ryder roared.

“ Everything , Ryder. A chance to live a happy life.” Claire spread her arms out wide.

“I don’t deserve it.” Ryder shook his head, denying what she said.

“Why?” Claire cried.

“You know why.” Ryder threw his hands up in the air in disbelief at her words.

“Why?” she demanded.

“Damn it. Because I can’t live a life worthy of them,” he confessed quietly.

“Why?” she pressed him harder.

“Did you forget you’re a butterfly, not a freakin’ parrot?” he asked her, irritated.

“Let’s start with the sarcasm to shield you from feeling anything.” She crossed her arms and glared at him.

Ryder’s nostrils flared and his chest heaved. He barely held on to the rope which tethered him to the hell he lived and Claire prayed he let it go.

“I don’t want to feel this,” Ryder yelled. He paced back and forth, running his hands through his hair.

“Which part? The part where you remained helpless in enemy territory and ran out of medical supplies? The time when Gunner chose to protect you at all costs because none of them made it if something happened to you. Watching Gunner’s wife mourn the man she loved? Did you ever think they all made choices?” Claire asked him as tears fell down her cheeks.

“Shut up, Claire. You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Ryder gritted out.

“Gunner chose to leave in the wee hours of the morning because you stayed up all night caring for your brothers. What little supplies you saved diminished in the middle of the night. You finally slept for a short time before waking and tending to the burn victims by using the little water you had left in your canteen to ease their suffering. Gunner took the opportunity to find help then, knowing you’d insist on going yourself or staying together. The men chose to follow him. Patty chose the military life and all it entailed when she fell in love with Gunner.”

“Shut up!” He advanced toward her menacingly, but she stood her ground.

“Even the young kid Scott reminds you of, chose to join the military. He fought bravely to protect his brothers alongside you. They needed food and supplies for you to care for the men. You didn’t have anything to work with to save those men.”

He grabbed her about the shoulders. His hazel eyes turned wild. “Don’t make me say it again. I don’t want to discuss this.”

“Why?” Claire desperately searched his face, hoping to see a glimmer of acceptance.

“Because I didn’t have a choice. I couldn’t save any of them. You don’t know how helpless I felt staring into their eyes, knowing they wouldn’t make it, pleading for them to hold on for just a little longer. I watched my best friend’s blood slip through my fingers. The bullet nicked an artery and I could do nothing but let him go. They protected me for nothing,” Ryder cried.

“They protected you. Your tattoo will always remind you they are a part of you. They wanted you to live a life worth living.”

Ryder shook his head. “I did everything. My moniker was Patch because I fixed shit out of nothing in the field to get my men back to safety. I lost the privilege to carry my name. There was nothing but dirt and sand; no morphine existed to relieve their pain.”

“What choice did you have?” Claire begged him to understand and accept what he already knew.

“I didn’t have a choice,” Ryder answered quietly but without conviction. She failed him like all the others.

“If the rescue team showed up before Gunner died, how many men do you think would’ve survived?” Claire continued to push him to the ledge, waiting for him to jump off and take a chance at a good life.

“None,” Ryder admitted miserably.

“What. Choice. Did. You. Have. Ryder?” Claire knew the moment he accepted the reality of the fateful day.

“I had none. I didn’t have a choice,” Ryder whispered. For the first time, Ryder realized the guilt he clung to freed him when he accepted he was only a mere human, a man with no recourses.

“Sometimes things happen and we don’t get choices, or they’re taken away. It’s no one's fault. It’s how you choose to handle it that matters. I’ve given you choices since I saw you on the video call. Something stopped you from pulling the trigger. You chose to step onto the plane to come here. You agreed to stay. There are still choices to make. What do you choose, Ryder? A life of guilt and misery or a life filled with laughter and love?Your brothers gave you a second chance, and it’s up to you to live the life worthy of the one they gave you,” Claire sobbed.

Ryder stared, tormented by her words and yet accepting them.

“You can go, Ryder. You’re ready now,” she whispered.

Claire stepped around him, walked into her bedroom and closed the door. Her body slid to the floor. She cried for the pain he suffered, for the brothers he lost, and for the life she dreamed of having with him.

Ryder watched her go. His gut screamed to go after her, but his feet felt like lead. His body felt heavy as he walked to the front door. Glancing back, he set the alarm and closed the door. Pulling out his phone, he called Whiskey.

“Where are you? Claire searched for you all evening,” Whiskey asked.

“I’m at Claire’s. I don’t think I can make it back to the cabin. Can you pick me up? I don’t think I can be alone. I need help, Whiskey.”

“Yeah, I’ll be there in ten, brother.”

After what seemed like an eternity, Whiskey’s truck pulled onto the street. Behind him, two more vehicles followed. They parked on the street. Whiskey and Leo walked in unison to the front porch.

“Claire’s inside. I set the alarm. But I can’t lock the deadbolt.” Ryder didn’t glance at the men. His head felt heavy with all the knowledge Claire forced him to acknowledge.

Leo signaled to one of the men and took Ryder’s keys. He threw them to Taco, who backed out Ryder’s car, to allow Shadow to pull into the driveway.

“Come on. Let’s get you home. Doc’s waiting.” Leo extended an arm to pull him up. Saint moved to the driver’s side while Whiskey helped him climb into the back. Leo sat up front. “Shadow will stay with Claire. Taco’s driving your car,” Leo stated.

They turned onto the mountain road and Ryder leaned back against the seat. He turned to see the outline of Whiskey’s face, the bulk of Saint as he drove, and Leo still in leader mode, like Gunner. Would they have made the same choice? Hell yeah, they would because they were brothers.