Resisting my Roommate (Sycamore Falls #3)

Chapter 29

CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

JUDE

I stand behind the bar and look out over the packed taproom. It feels like the entire town is here. I’m not surprised. After all, it’s Abbey’s last night of work. If you can even call it work, considering she hasn’t poured a single beer or taken a single order.

It doesn’t bother me.

All these people wanted to stop by and say goodbye before she leaves in two days.

Two fucking days.

That’s all the time I have left with her.

After I urged her to take the job and she told me when she’d need to leave, it seemed like a lifetime away.

But those ten days went by in the blink of an eye.

Now, in less than forty-eight hours, she’ll leave Sycamore Falls.

All because I refuse to give her a reason to stay.

I keep telling myself I’m doing the right thing. I don’t want to be the one to hold her back from an amazing opportunity that pays a ridiculous amount of money.

And that’s the part I struggle with. She may not have come right out and said it because I wouldn’t let her. But she’d give it all up for me in a heartbeat.

If I would stop being such a coward.

“You look like hell.”

At the sound of Finn’s voice, I pull my attention away from watching Abbey and face my brother. As I take in his own disheveled appearance, my brows furrow. His dark hair is unruly, and it looks like he hasn’t slept in a few days, his eyes red and droopy.

“Did you have a fire last night?” I grab a glass and place it under one of the taps, then set the honey brown ale in front of him.

He nods his thanks, then takes a sip. “I’ve been off. Working a twenty-four tomorrow, though.”

“Then…”

“I’m thinking about offering to help Genevieve have a baby.”

My jaw practically falls to the floor.

Of all the things Finn could have said to explain the reason he looks like shit, this is the absolute last.

“I’m going to need you to back up and tell me what you mean.”

I swipe a pint glass off the counter and fill it up with a Belgian-inspired whitbier. I normally don’t drink while I’m working, but I think this warrants an exception.

“She wants a baby, but after her divorce, she has absolutely no desire to date. She decided to have a baby on her own.”

“So….what? You’re going to provide a sample?”

“Not exactly,” he says somewhat sheepishly as he tips his glass back, downing half the beer.

“But…” I shake my head in confusion. Then the realization dawns on me. “She’s going for a more…natural approach.”

“It’s a mistake, isn’t it?” He buries his head in his hands.

Despite my shock, there’s something about this that’s quintessentially Finn — always willing to help those he cares about. And complete strangers, too. After all, he’s a firefighter.

“I didn’t say that. I just…” I sigh, taking a sip of beer as I try to wrap my mind around all of this. “How did this even come about?”

“She’s been talking about it for a while. I knew she was researching IVF, but her insurance only covers certain things. Her out of pocket for one round could potentially be close to twenty thousand.”

Beer sprays from my lips. “Twenty thousand dollars?”

“And that’s just for one round. If it doesn’t work, she’ll have to try again. And then there are all the shots.”

“Shots?”

“Yeah. She’ll have to stab her ass or thigh or something with a fucking needle for two weeks.”

“All for the chance to have a baby?”

“For some people, it’s the only way they can have a baby. But…”

“Yes?”

“Well, she doesn’t have fertility issues, so it’s possible…”

“For her to conceive naturally,” I finish.

“She has a fucking list.”

“A list?”

“Of potential baby daddies.”

“At least you made the first cut,” I chuckle.

As crazy as this scenario is, I’m grateful for the distraction from my own problems for a change.

“That’s the thing…” He tilts back his beer and guzzles the rest of it. “I didn’t.” He slams his glass onto the counter.

“What do you mean?”

“I wasn’t on the list. I’m her best friend and I wasn’t on the goddamn list.”

I slide him a fresh beer, hoping it will help ease the tension. “Maybe she doesn’t want to do anything to ruin your friendship. If she’s going to be a single mom, she’ll need to lean on people for support. She’ll lean on you for support.”

“And I told her I’d give her all the help she needs. Changing diapers. Midnight feedings. Whatever. But to learn she’s okay with taking DNA from Mitchell Brighton? Or…or fucking Thomas Hubert? I’m sorry, but I think my DNA is infinitely better. I doubt they’ve got the swimmers to seal the deal.”

“There’s no guarantee yours are any better.”

“My swimmers are just fine. I had them tested.”

This additional piece of information causes me to spit out my beer yet again, leaving me momentarily speechless.

“You’re really serious about this. Aren’t you?” I ask softly.

He runs a hand down his face. “I don’t know. One minute, I’m convinced it’s a horrible idea. The next, it doesn’t seem so bad. We get along great. We practically live with each other as it is.”

“So you’d…what? Get married?” I ask, half-joking.

“She’s done with all of that after her last marriage,” he explains. “Hell, I’m not even sure she’ll go for my proposition. But we could raise the kid together. As friends. She trusts me, and if she’s not going the IVF route with an anonymous donor, shouldn’t trust be the most important factor? Or am I crazy for even thinking about this?”

“I don’t think you’re crazy. I think you’re a good friend. Gen’s lucky to have you.”

I place a hand on his shoulder and squeeze, wanting him to see the meaning in my words. Then I pull back, leaning against the back of the bar.

“I can’t tell you what to do since this is a decision only you can make, but there’s something to be said for having a baby with a friend, instead of someone you’re romantically involved with. You don’t have to deal with all the bullshit that comes with a relationship.” I pause, narrowing my gaze at him. “Unless you’re not sure you can separate things.”

“I’m just worried this could ruin our friendship. Not the part where we raise a baby together. But the part where we make the baby.” He takes another long sip from his beer.

I wish I had more words of wisdom for him, but I meant what I said. This isn’t something I can decide for him. He has to do it for himself.

“Well, enough of my bullshit. What’s going on with yours? How are you handling things with Abbey leaving?” He brings his glass to his lips, the amber liquid sloshing against the sides. “Do you plan on finally coming clean before she leaves or are you planning on being a pussy forever?”

I give him a quizzical look. “What are you talking about?”

“You know damn well what I’m talking about. Letting Abbey leave without telling her that you love her.”

My throat tightens and I avert my gaze. “I don’t,” I stammer. “It’s not?—”

“It is, Jude. Whether you want to believe it or not. You love her. I see it. Hell, the entire town sees it. When are you going to see it?”

I part my lips, searching for the words I need to tell him he’s wrong, but Finn knows me better than most. I can deny it all I want, but he knows the truth.

I do, too.

Even if I wish it weren’t the case.

“It doesn’t matter how I feel,” I say softly, swallowing hard. “I can’t give her what she needs.”

“Can’t?” Finn asks. “Or won’t?”

“What’s the difference?”

“There’s a big difference. One suggests an inability. The other, a reluctance.”

“She deserves to move on and be happy,” I tell him, repeating the same mantra I’ve told myself the past several days. Then I push off the counter and make my way out from behind the bar to help clear a few tables in the hopes of avoiding this conversation.

“You do, too.”

Finn’s response causes me to pause in my tracks.

Can I ever truly be happy?

Can I put myself through that again when I know how it feels to have that happiness ripped away?

I scan the taproom, easily finding Abbey amongst the sea of people. I wish I could give her what she wants. What she deserves.

I just don’t know if I’m ready. If I’ll ever be ready.

I’ve spent the past several years drowning somewhere between anger and denial. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to pull myself back up above water.

Not anymore.