Resisting (Dirty Cops #1)

Chapter 15

CHAPTER 15

Rowan

I can’t believe that in the middle of a fight he’s taking a call. And I can’t believe that I’m back in this place again. The man I’m in love with is ashamed to be with me. And once again, I’m going to have to hide the truth and pretend that I’m okay with being the dirty secret. Only this time, the sting of the truth hurts so much more. My heart feels like it’s physically cracking down the center.

I understand why he’s concerned. I do. Jared’s teacher lost her job because of the school being worried about their reputation. But this is different. They were just fucking. I want to marry Ryker and have babies with him. But we’re not going to be able to do that if everyone thinks I’m his stepkid. I don’t see his career changing, nor is he retiring anytime soon, which means we’re going to be living in secret for years.

For once, I just want to be important enough that nothing else matters, not age, or background, or other’s people’s opinions. I want the man I’m with to be excited that I’m his and to want to show me off. To feel blessed that we’re together. And as much as I get off on the whole daddy-little-girl kink, I don’t want to be introduced as Ryker’s stepdaughter everywhere we go. And I definitely don’t want people thinking that he’s dating the witch. That’s even more crushing than if he were to pretend to adopt me.

This morning I woke up feeling truly happy and at peace for the first time, but now, everything has been tainted. The sourness of knowing that Ryker’s ashamed of our relationship is making me sick. The unbreakable bond I thought we had has now been fractured. Out of all the times Rhonda hurt me, I have to say, this feels so much worse.

Ryker ends his phone call and then takes the seat next to me. I can’t even look at him.

“Baby.” He reaches for my hand but I pull out of his grip. I don’t need this to hurt any more than it already does. “Rowan, don’t pull away from me. Please. I can see it in your eyes and it’s scaring me. I can’t lose you, angel. You’re my everything. Please tell me what’s going through that pretty head of yours. Tell me how I can fix this.”

I look up and see the worry line above his brow. His eyes so full of concern. Maybe if I tell him the truth, he really will fix it. Or maybe…his reputation is more important than my feelings. Whether I like the truth or not, I need to know where I stand. It may crush me more than anything, but I won’t be someone’s dirty secret ever again.

“I feel like I’m never good enough.” I cast my eyes down at my sweaty hands, nervous that this is it. My final game of chicken with Ryker and I’m about to collide into a broken heart. “Hunter, the kid you met the other night, he and I were kind of together before. But he didn’t want anyone to find out about us. He didn’t want to disappoint his parents and was embarrassed to be seen with trailer trash.” I use my mother’s words, though it’s the common opinion of me .

“He’s a stupid prick,” Ryker cuts in. “He had the most amazing girl in the world but was too blind to see.”

I look up and his soft eyes are now tense. Doesn’t he get it? He’s doing the same thing. He’s choosing his reputation over my heart. What everyone else thinks matters more to him.

“His reputation was more important,” I state. “And yours is too.”

Ryker shifts forward, taking my hands in his. This time I let him. I need him to hold me up because I can barely stand the pain.

“No, it’s not, angel. You’re the most important thing to me. I love you.”

I’m so confused. He’s sending mixed messages. He just said his reputation was on the line. He doesn’t want people to see him as a pervert. Although, he’s not. Any girl or woman, no matter what age, would want to be with him. I’m just lucky enough to be the one he chose.

“Baby.” He turns his head, looking out his office window at the officers milling about. He must be checking to see if they’re watching us, worried that they’ll see him touching me even as platonic as this may be. If they do see us, they’ll probably think I’m just upset over something that happened at school or with a friend, and that he’s trying to comfort me. But it’s him who’s hurting me.

Hating the icky feeling of shame, I try tugging my hands from his grip but he tightens his hold, refusing to let me go. “I’m going to tell you something, angel. But you can’t tell a soul. You can’t even write it down in a diary. Understand? This shit is big and no one can be trusted.”

“I won’t, Ryker.” I shake my head. “You can trust me.” There’s a bit of hope budding in my chest, hoping there’s a good explanation coming for why he has to keep our relationship a secret.

He glances over his shoulder again, shifting even closer to me. His voice dropping to a whisper. “I’m working on a huge case. Trying to bring down a bunch of dirty cops. The only reason I give a shit about my reputation is because I need to look credible. If people start blasting shit about me being a sick old fuck and going after teenage girls, even though that’s not what’s happening here, they’ll discredit me, and the accusation I’m bringing forward will be dismissed. They’ll think I’m trying to deflect the negative attention and make up shit to bring the heat down on other officers.”

Oh my God. I can’t believe what I’m hearing. I always thought you could trust the men in blue, but apparently, you can’t. I wonder if the creeper cop who’s been stalking me is one of the men he’s trying to take down. That’s one of the reasons I stopped by. I wanted to point the guy out to Ryker and tell him what’s been going on. I thought he would know what I should do. Maybe send the guy a warning, or have a talk with him.

“That’s the only reason I’m even remotely concerned about my reputation, baby. If this shit wasn’t going down, I’d be shouting to the world that you’re mine. And as soon as this shit is over, that’s exactly what I’ll be doing. I don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks. They’ll all be jealous because I’m the one with the most incredible girl. But timing is everything, angel, and right now is not the time for me to rock the boat.”

His explanation washes away that icky feeling. I understand now why this is so important. Unfortunately, no matter which way we slice it, or how great we are together, there will always be people who think it’s wrong that we’re a couple. People will judge us no matter what. And if he’s trying to prove that he’s the good guy and the other officers are snakes, then he needs to not have anyone questioning his morals.

“I love you,” I say, finally squeezing his hands. “Thank you for trusting me. I promise I won’t tell a soul.”

“I wish I could kiss you right now.” His eyes drop to my lips, sending a flick of heat right to them .

My tongue slips out, running along my lower lip, wishing for the same thing.

“Don’t make this harder than it already is, baby,” he groans.

“I’m sorry.” I smile, loving the effect I’m having. His control is slipping. I can see it. “Maybe I should go.”

He shakes his head. “Before you leave, tell me why you stopped by. Tell me exactly what you wanted daddy to do.”

The heat floods right to my core. That word igniting a storm. I bite back the moan threatening to slip free. “Actually…” I shake the naughty thoughts away, needing to behave and needing to discuss my situation with Ryker. I was looking in my rearview mirror as I drove here, worried I’d get pulled over before I got to the station and I wasn’t even driving my car. I can’t keep living in fear. I need to tell him what’s going on.

“I came to talk to you about something…”

I fill Ryker in on everything that’s been happening. Everything since the first time the creepy cop pulled me over for speeding. Every false charge. Every slimy comment. The more I share, the angrier Ryker gets. Now, I know what makes him such a good cop—the look in his eyes would make the most dangerous criminal cower in fear. I’m just thankful it’s not directed at me.

“Why didn’t you report him, baby?”

“I figured it was his word against mine. And who was going to believe a girl from the trailer park?” He hadn’t exactly crossed a line, and they’d probably think I was misconstruing his words and just being too sensitive. That I was annoyed with being pulled over and trying to attack a cop. “But I told my friend Myrah, and her brother is going to send a friend of his to act as my bodyguard. Knox has dealt with his own dirty cops and is worried for my safety.”

Ryker’s jaw clenches. “You’re mine. I’m your fucking bodyguard. Don’t need anyone else protecting my girl.” A thrill runs through my shoulders. God, I love his dominance. His possessiveness. “But I appreciate him trying to help,” he says, taking his temper down a very slight notch. “I’ll talk to your friend’s brother and let him know it won’t be necessary for his friend to stand guard. You want to give me his number?”

“I don’t have it.” I shake my head. “He’s in prison.” Ryker’s eyes narrow, so I proceed to tell him everything that happened to Knox. And by the time I’m done, the man before me is even more livid.

“I’m going to look into his case and make them pay, Rowan. You can tell your friend that I’ll bring those dirty cops to justice and will make things right for her brother.”

If I didn’t already love him with all my heart, I’d be falling right now. Ryker isn’t just a good cop, he’s a good man.

“I want you to come over here, Rowan, and confirm that it’s Diaz.” He goes around to the other side of his desk, pulling another chair next to his. “I looked up your record the day we met and saw that he’d pulled you over for speeding.”

“You pulled my record?” I’m shocked, and suddenly nervous knowing what he saw.

“Like I said. From the first moment I met you, I became obsessed.” He turns back toward his screen and starts typing on his computer while my stomach continues to twist and turn.

“I only stole the cigarettes because she told me to,” I rush to say. I don’t want him thinking I’m a thief. “I was trying to win her love.”

His hands pause on the keys and he shifts to face me. Those eyes of his peering into my soul. “I’m sorry,” he says. His voice is so full of love that it catches my heart. Tears sting my eyes, fighting to break free as he continues. “I’m sorry that you were given such a rotten mother, angel. I hope you know that it wasn’t you. Nothing you could’ve done or said would’ve changed a thing with her. You’re perfect. And I promise that as soon as I’m done with all this shit, I’ll be making her pay. ”

And again, if my heart wasn’t already so filled with love for this man, I’d be falling right now.

“Ryker.” I scoot closer. My knee pressing up against his thigh. “I really wish we were home in bed.”

He shifts even closer. If people are watching us now, they’d definitely be questioning things between us. But thankfully, his desk and computer screen are hiding us. At least, I hope they are.

“Me, too, baby. I want to hold you so badly it hurts.”

“I don’t like it when daddy hurts.” I reach out and squeeze him right between his legs. He’s already stiff for me. “I want to kiss it and make it better.”

His eyes squeeze shut on a groan. His cock growing harder under my stroking touch.

“Need you to quit, baby, before I can’t hold back.” His pained growl has me daring to disobey his order, but I don’t want to get him into trouble. What he’s working on is too important and I won’t screw this up for him. So reluctantly, I release my grasp and sit back in my chair.

“Fine, I’ll behave.” I pout. “But when you get off work, can I lick your ice cream cone?”

He bites down on his lip, staring me down hard. “Fuck it,” he says, standing up. “I’ll do this shit from home.”

He takes me by the hand and leads me out of the police station, telling Cheryl on our way out that I need help with my car and he can be reached by phone. He takes me straight to his cruiser, and soon as we’re out of the parking, he turns on his siren and lights, speeding off down the road as if he’s chasing toward an emergency. With the tension throbbing between my legs I’d definitely claim it is one.