Riffs That Ruin (Survival Records #2)

11. Blake

N erves rush through my body like they’re racing in the Indy 500. Although NASCAR has nothing on these speeds. I stand from the couch and pace the room, running a hand through my hair. It would probably be better if I left the room to get more space, but I don’t want to make my stage fright worse by having a pre-audience audience.

Thoughts spiral through my mind. It’s like I can hear the conversation between the angel giving me a pep talk and the devil on my shoulder feeding into the anxiety. I wish I could turn it off, but I’m forced to endure the torture.

You shouldn’t be nervous like this. You’ve already done two shows, and they went off without a hitch.

You call that without a hitch? Tristan disappeared after the first show.

Yeah, but the actual performance was fine.

Only because I didn’t have time to freak out beforehand. I was too distracted.

You sure this new guy is good enough? What if he makes everyone look bad?

He was perfect in sound check. Why would he suddenly fuck up?

I don’t know. How could he suddenly fuck up? Let’s think about it.

How about we don’t. It will all be fine. Shit. I have my contacts in, right?

You better hope they are. Imagine all those people staring at the coke-bottle-geek on stage.

I rush to the mirror to check. Yep, I’ve got them in. Hair is in place. Clothes are what the stylist gave me—nondescript to blend into the background. Raina is always the star of the show. We’re simply here to back her up. It’s one plus side that helps alleviate some of the nerves.

You could still trip over a wire, though. Imagine falling on your face, your guitar goes skittering across the stage and you trip Raina, making her break a bone. Nobody would forgive you…

Ugh, fuck the stupid thoughts running through my head. I sit on the couch again and rest my forehead in my hands. My fingers thread through my hair, tugging on the ends.

Deep breath in. Deep breath out.

It doesn’t help. My nerves are too jittery to settle. They ping back and forth, incapable of being contained, until my leg starts to jostle up and down. It shakes my head uncomfortably, but maybe it’ll keep the thoughts from taking hold.

A hand unexpectedly lands on my leg, the pressure making it clear they’re trying to keep me from moving. With a sigh, I lift my head and stare at Nash. He gives me a smile that instantly tells me exactly what he’s thinking before he can even voice it.

“You know what could distract you…” he trails off, leaving the rest for me to fill in.

“Not right now, Nash,” I practically growl with my frustration. He does this all the time, hell he did it before our audition with Raina. He’s done it so often that I can’t tell if he’s serious or simply doing it to distract me.

His tactics work so well that I don’t notice Raina until she’s standing in front of me, pushing her way between my legs, so I’m forced to sit back against the cushion behind me. She takes advantage of the space and plops onto my lap.

My hands instinctively snake around her waist, and I draw her close to me as her arm goes around my neck. “What’s going on, handsome?”

Her fingers trail along my hairline in a tender caress that I want to sink into. I could get lost in her any day of the week. “Stage fright. Anxiety. Take your pick.”

Raina hums, a sound of companionable understanding.

“Dude, you have nothing to worry about. You’ve performed in front of people plenty of times before. This is no different.” It’s something Nash has said in the past, but words simply can’t make it go away like he thinks.

“This is drastically different, and you know it. Tristan isn’t even here.” Nash opens his mouth to speak again, but I continue talking before he can cut me off, “And before you say he wasn’t here for the last show, I know that. It doesn’t make anything better.”

“You have the rest of us, though. You auditioned in front of Raina and made it through that. She’s the most important audience we’ve ever had.” He gives her a saucy grin, and my girl lets out a pleased little sound. I’m pretty sure she doesn’t even realize she does it either.

I let out a sigh and shake my head, trying to put it into words. “My soul belongs to music, but the performing… I did it for Tristan. He’s the reason I’ve always pushed through the nerves, because he’s always wanted it so fucking bad.”

As much as he was infuriating me, I mourn his absence. It’s like missing an important part of the group. We’re not complete without him. Not having any answers is slowly killing me.

“Do you enjoy it once you’re on the stage?”

I meet Raina’s gaze and pause to think through the answer. There’s a special kind of thrill I get when I’m on stage with her, watching her perform as I play, the cheers of her fans. “Once I play the first note, my mind settles and it’s all about the music. But until then, I can’t stop myself from thinking about all the worst-case scenarios.”

Raina blows out a relieved breath. “I was worried you might not like it at all. I’d hate to think performing with me was torture.”

The urge to flinch is almost too much to overcome. I didn’t mean to make her think that. “Playing with you is everything, Raina. I wouldn’t trade it in for anything, not even getting to avoid feeling like this.”

Telling her isn’t enough; I need to show her. I cup the side of her face and draw her to me until my lips brush across hers. “I love playing for you, it’s my favorite way to spend time with you.”

Her lips curl into a smile. “That might be true for now, but I can think of a few things that could knock it down from number one.”

Of course my mind instantly fills in her meaning, even without her spelling it out. The pounding of my heart accelerates until I question if it’s possible it could simply beat right out of my chest. My head becomes light and a buzzing rings in my ears.

I suppose the two of them have accomplished their goal, I’m no longer fixated on my stage fright, but now they’ve triggered my anxiety in a whole new way.

“Hey,” Raina says softly, her coy smile dropping from her face. She runs her nails along the small hairs at the base of my neck in a soothing motion. “What’s wrong?”

I’m not sure what tipped her off, perhaps it’s the way my breathing has sped up like I’m about to hyperventilate, or maybe it’s the way I’ve flinched away from her slightly without meaning to.

“I’m not comfortable with that.” The nerves rushing through me demand space, but I don’t want to shove her off my lap like some kind of asshole.

“Comfortable with a blow job?” Nash verifies, an unsure tone to his voice like he can’t actually believe I’m turning it down from our woman.

The anxiety rushing through me makes it too hard to keep any eye contact with either one of them, it’s not even a conscious thought to stare at my lap. My cheeks heat, and I wish I had anything in my hands to fiddle with. Instead, I end up picking at the sequins on Raina’s opening costume.

“I don’t want to pressure you into telling us something you’re uncomfortable with,” Raina starts. She climbs from my lap to kneel in front of me, probably sensing my need for space. “But if you don’t mind, I’d like to know why. It’s clearly something deeper behind your reluctance than simply not wanting one.”

Bringing my hands onto my lap now that they have nothing else to do, I find one of the sequins stuck to my finger. Using my nail, I flick it back and forth along the edge. What I wouldn’t do for some kind of fidget item right now.

“I have a big dick,” I mumble.

Nash laughs and Raina has an equally amused tone when she says, “Yeah, that became quite obvious the first time I saw you in gray sweatpants.”

Admittedly, it was a funny thing to say, I can’t really blame them for finding amusement when I’m torn up inside. “Well...” My words seem to get stuck in my throat, and I have to swallow past the lump to continue. “When I was in highschool my girlfriend and I decided to share our first times. You hear about it being horrible all the time, the guy blowing his load too quickly, the woman never coming due to his lack of experience.”

I glance up and spot Keaton frozen in place. He isn’t even tapping out a rhythm quietly on his leg, he’s giving my story the respect of listening quietly, but what I appreciate the most is that he isn’t staring at me, it gives me the confidence to keep going.

“I wish my first time was horrible because of that. It was much, much worse. Horrifying really.” I run a hand over my face, willing the memories to not play across my mind in vivid reality. “My girlfriend knew to expect the pain from her cherry, we both did, and I swear I went slow to let her stretch around me. But I barely got a couple of inches in before she was pushing against me, screaming and crying in so much pain. She grabbed her clothes and ran from the room.”

Images flash behind my closed eyelids, replaying the horror, and I swear I can hear her sobs echoing in my ears. “Her brothers were home. It only took them one glance before they were kicking my ass. I’m lucky I made it out of there with only a black eye, bruised jaw, and split lip.”

Raina sucks in a sharp breath, clearly hating the sound of me getting hurt. She reaches out a hesitant hand, wanting to comfort me but not knowing if I’d accept it. Somehow I find it calms the chaos trying to rip out of my chest. I grasp her hand in mine, soothing my thumb over her knuckles.

“The next woman I was with had roughly the same reaction. This time she was on top and dropped herself on my dick. She immediately rolled off sobbing, both hands holding her pussy. She wasn’t a virgin, but her hand came away with blood on it. I’m fairly certain something ripped.”

This time I’m able to meet Raina’s gaze, needing her to understand how much I want her, but I can’t have her. “My cock is a fucking monster, it rips women apart, destroying them and causing too much pain. I can’t bear to see that happen to you, too.”

Her eyes are filled with unshed tears for my pain, making me cherish her all the more, but it’s Nash who speaks up. “Surely you’ve had someone who turned out to be a good experience, they can’t all be bad. You have women clinging to you all the time after shows.” He glances at Raina and quickly adds, “Well, you used to. Now you have our girl to chase them off.”

I can’t help but scoff. “You mean all the women who were only after me for my monster cock? Not a single one of them wanted me for me.” I groan, hating to admit it. “First, my junk is too big to fit anyone, then they only want me because of it. Fuck, I’m not sure why, but it broke something in me. I know I shouldn’t have a hang up when it comes to sex. But I do. It’s paralyzing.”

Palming Raina’s hand between both of mine, I lean forward. “I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want the size of my dick to scare you away. You mean too much to me to lose,” I whisper, my voice raspy with emotion.

She’s on me before the words are fully out of my mouth. Her hands frame either side of my face and she kisses me. It’s not a deep, open mouthed one, but it’s still filled with passion.

“You don’t have to worry about me. I’ll be here no matter what. If you want to push off having sex, then I’m fine with that. I want you to be comfortable.” Her comforting promises do little to calm my worry, though.

“What if you can’t take it? If it hurts too bad?” My voice wobbles with the question, but I’m too concerned about her answer to be embarrassed by it.

“If that happens, then I’ll still be here. There are plenty of other ways to be intimate without penetration.” She brushes her lips against mine again before wrapping me in a hug and squeezing me tight.

“Toys are man’s best friend. Typically said for using them on your woman, but that doesn’t mean the reverse isn’t true.” Nash grins and gives me a wink. “So how does getting a blowjob play into your fears? Let’s figure this out so we can get a warm mouth on that monster of yours.”

It doesn’t pass my notice that he didn’t specify whose mouth that would be. I level him with a serious stare. “If it can’t fit in a pussy, what makes you think it can fit in a mouth?”

Raina releases me at the sound of Nash’s bark of a laugh. We both can’t help but watch him when he’s so joyful. “No offense, babe,” he says to Raina, running a hand over her back affectionately. He turns his attention to me, smoldering me with a sexy grin. “Our woman has a huge mouth, it’s part of why she can sing so well. I bet she could get her lips around your cock.”

I instinctually glance at Raina’s lips, I can’t help it, not with the visual now in my head. Her tongue darts across the plumpness and an eagerness fills her eyes.

“I—I don’t know,” I mumble, licking at my own lips.

Keaton stands, gaining my attention. “I’ll guard.” He nods his head toward the door, using as few words as he can to get his point across. It takes me a moment to realize he’s already concluded that I’ll give in…

Raina shines her brilliant smile on him. “Thanks, big guy.”

Time seems to stand still as we all watch him walk through the door to guard the other side. I’m still staring at where he disappeared when Raina grasps my face again and kisses me. I lose myself in her, gliding my hand up her back until I’m able to thread my fingers through her hair to hold her closer.

Her soft lips glide along mine like silk, and her tongue begs to dance with mine. When we’re out of breath, she barely pulls away enough to say, “Say no if you don’t want it, but I really want to suck on your dick.” Her bottom lip bumps against mine in a pout, and her eyes implore me to give her what she wants. To surrender myself to her, and let her heal the hurt I’ve been carrying for far too long. This is about me, and nothing to do with a fixation on how big the weapon in my pants is.

When I don’t say anything, hands deftly unbutton my pants and reach into my boxers to tug out the thick hard-on barely being contained. My mind seems to be zipping between too many thoughts at once, because it takes me way too long to realize Raina still has a hold on my face as she kisses me, deepening it like she can’t get enough.

That means it’s Nash’s hand wrapped around my aching length, palming my cock and running his hand up and down like a goddamn expert. Which I suppose he is…

My cock jumps in his hold, enjoying every bit of his touch, more than I ever thought I would. He’s teased me for as long as I’ve known him, but I’ve never given in. Never let him show me how much I might enjoy being bi.

His thumb brushes over my head, slicking across the bead of precum leaking from my tip. I’m so turned on right now, my balls ache like they never have before.

Nash leans into Raina until his lips brush against the curve of her ear. “He’s so fucking hard for you. I need to see your lips wrapped around him, baby. Can you do that for me?”

She moans into our kiss, the sound getting muffled, which is even sexier. Her back arches into him as she draws away from me. Her eyes are nothing but a pool of hunger aimed right at me. A tiny hand joins the one on my cock and Raina’s eyes grow wide before they dip down. I follow her lead and look at my cock.

The sight before me can only be described as overwhelming. My best friend’s hand is around the base of my cock, and the woman I’m falling in love with has her fist above his.

“It’s bigger than I expected,” she whispers, before licking her lips.

“Right,” Nash replies. They both stare at the monster I’ve grown to hate, even as it pulses in their hold, wanting more than anything what they are offering. “Gorgeous isn’t it?” The tip of his tongue glides along his lip ring.

Fuck. Why do I want my best friend’s tongue on my cock so bad?

“This might be my new favorite toy.” Raina’s breathy words fall on my cock like a gentle caress, making it throb once more in their hold. I want them to move, to lick me or suck on my head. To do something other than simply compliment it.

“I can’t blame you for that. Now show me how well you can fit him in your mouth, baby. I want to watch your lips stretch around his fat girth.” Nash’s other hand palms the back of her head and gently guides her to my cock. It’s more of an encouragement than forcing her to do anything, but the sight leaves me breathless.

My best friend holds my cock as he guides our girlfriend’s mouth to my tip. Can life get any better than this?

His gaze meets mine, sucking me in. “Are you ready for this?”

The question alone sends my heart racing, but before I can overthink it, Raina’s tongue darts out to lick along my slit. She moans in pleasure, finding the evidence of how turned on I am. A second later, her tongue swirls around my head before she starts to lower her mouth on it.

I watch in pure rapture.

“Look at how perfectly her lips stretch around you. She’s made for your cock, Blake.” Nash’s words are met with her tongue flicking back and forth on the underside of my cock, punctuating every syllable. It sends sparks to the back of my eyes, making me close them and hope I don’t blow my load within the first five seconds of having her mouth around me.

A surprised moan sends vibrations along my shaft, making my eyes spring open…