Rise of a Fallen Man (A Look in the Mirror #2)

Chapter 25

Ari

“ P romise me,” I said as we stood in front of the open door to the former barrack. “Promise me one thing, please. If you’re ever in need or in danger... Anything at all. That you will find a way to let me know. That you will ask me for help. I don’t want you to suffer from cold, or hunger, or any kind of abuse ever again.”

I knew why he was leaving, but understanding his reasons didn’t make it any easier for me to let him go.

“I’m not a child anymore, Princess. I’m in a much better position to take care of myself now. You don’t need to worry about me.”

But I would. I knew I’d spend many sleepless nights thinking and praying for him. Salas was the strongest man I knew, but he was also a kind man, and kindness could be exploited by unscrupulous people.

“Beware of those who might pretend to be nice but are only waiting to backstab you. Like that gladiator, Falo. I wouldn’t trust him.”

“I don’t trust Falo, either, princess.” He smiled, brushing away a strand of my hair. “He doesn’t even pretend to be nice.”

“Promise me you’ll ask me for help if you need it, please,” I begged.

“If it’ll ease your worry, then yes, I promise.” He gently ran a thumb over my chin before cupping my face. “But I want you to promise me something in return.”

“What is it?”

He peered at me intently. “You do what you have to do, Princess. Be the best queen that you can be. Accomplish everything you have to accomplish, make the lives of our people better, and get your name in the history books like you were destined to do. But once it’s all done and you finally believe you deserve some happiness, I don’t care how late in life it may come or how old we both may be by then, you come to me, and I will spend the rest of my life making you happy.”

He was right. He could make me truly happy. But I couldn’t do the same for him. I couldn’t give him the easy, simple happiness he craved. He wouldn’t get it with me because nothing about my position was simple or easy. My coming into his life had been making it increasingly more complicated. To the point that he had to leave it all behind now.

Tears choked me, and I couldn’t say a single word in reply.

He didn’t force me to speak. Wrapping his arms around me, he just held me close until I found my breath again.

“I’ll go first,” I said around a painful lump lodged in my throat. “Wait for a minute before leaving too.”

It was impossibly hard to leave his arms. But I’d seen him walk away from me too many times already. I simply had no strength to watch him leave me again.

Walking briskly, I stared straight ahead. The world turned blurry from tears, but none spilled anymore. I’d cried enough. Tears never helped.

I had a destiny to fulfill and a country to rule. I gave up my happiness for Rorrim. Now I faced a lifetime without Salas, and I had to find the strength to go on.

At the end of the gardens, I stopped to collect myself and rein in my sorrow because I didn’t trust anyone to know how I felt. I couldn’t tell a single person in that grand palace that my heart broke tonight.

A golden string of a spider web stretched across the end of the path between the hedges. It shimmered in the dying lights of the lanterns left after the ceremony. The summer was coming to an end, and I’d hardly even noticed it go by.

I’d spend the summer mostly in the palace. I’d never found the time to go swimming. Salas had been my one and only breath of fresh air all these weeks. With him, I finally learned what happiness meant. And I had to let him go.

Many busy, lonely summers lay ahead of me now, spent in council meetings, or in the throne room, or at dinners with many important women from all over the world who might not mean much to me but meant a lot to the queendom.

Such were the duties of a princess.

Sweeping with my hand ahead of me, I tore the golden string of the spider web and left the gardens on the way to my rooms.

There was but an hour or two left of the night. I held no hope of sleep. All I wanted to do was to bury my face in a pillow and let it choke the screams of my broken heart.

“You have company, Your Highness,” the guard at the door to my sitting room warned me.

“Company?” I groaned and ventured a guess, “Prince Leafar?”

Who else would visit me at this hour?

She nodded, opening the door. “And his escort.”

His escort?

I entered the room, coming face to face with the Grand Duchess of Olakrez, the Leafar’s very persistent aunt.

“I believe our audience is scheduled for later in the morning, Your Grace,” I said, with a voice colder than the ice sculptures at the ceremony today.

“The matter can no longer wait, Your Highness,” she replied in an equally icy tone.

Several ladies from the prince’s escort were here as well, including the duchess’s personal adviser. They lingered around my sitting room, fanning themselves with embroidered fans and drinking cherry wine and ice water. Leafar wasn’t with them.

The duchess snapped her fan closed. “The Queendom of Olakrez demands you fulfill your agreement with us and make Prince Leafar your husband in every sense of that word.”

I’d requested the meeting with the duchess, intending to fight her on it, but I had no fight left in me. I felt too broken inside, too tired, and too numb to argue.

“Where is Leafar?” I asked wearily.

“The prince is in your bedroom,” the duchess informed me. “He’s waiting for you to perform your marital duty.”

She headed for my bedroom door. Her entourage of highborn ladies stirred, ready to follow her in.

I quickly stepped forward, positioning myself in her path.

“The prince expressed his desire for privacy,” I said. “I wish to honor his request.”

“I’m afraid his wish can no longer be honored, Your Highness. You can’t be trusted to fulfill your marital duties in a timely manner anymore. Goddess knows you’ve had plenty of time to do it since your wedding.”

I’d been trying to postpone the inevitable. Subconsciously, I’d dreaded to betray my feelings for Salas. But that was over now. Salas was gone. All I had was a life of duty ahead of me and an unfulfilled responsibility right in front of me.

The duchess came face to face with me.

“I will not ask where you spent the last hour, Your Highness.” She wrinkled her nose. “I can only assume by the smell from your clothes that it was somewhere awfully close to the horse stables.” She shrugged, spreading her arms aside. “Women have needs that their husbands can’t always fulfill. I certainly won’t question your affairs outside of your bedroom as long as you fulfill your duties inside it right now.”

“Of course, how can you question my ‘affairs’ if the Queen of Olakrez is known for keeping a harem of handsome boys for her pleasure?” I retorted, holding her stare.

“The queen is well within her rights to do as she pleases,” the duchess huffed. “She has ensured an heiress of the royal blood for her throne, and everyone knows it takes more than one man to satisfy a woman. I don’t question your desire for other men, Your Highness. It’s your lack of desire for your own husband that presents a problem. I am not leaving your chambers until I am fully satisfied your duties to our countries have been fulfilled. Otherwise, I am taking Prince Leafar back to Olakrez tomorrow.”

Going back home was Leafar’s worst nightmare. I couldn’t allow her to take him. But I also suspected the duchess’ threats didn’t have as much weight as she wanted me to believe.

“We both know the prince is of little value to the queen at this point,” I called her bluff. “If the marriage is annulled, his status as a former husband won’t possibly be the same as that of a pure, virginal groom. The queen won’t be able to find another match for him as advantageous as his current match with Rorrim.”

The duchess glared at me.

“His reputation is now forever stained. Thanks to you.”

“It’s a good thing then that I don’t care about his reputation. Prince Leafar’s value to me isn’t tied to his purity, and his wishes are important to me. He is a citizen of Rorrim now, and in Rorrim he shall remain.”

The duchess’s mouth fell open, but she didn’t rush with a reply. A calculation was behind her narrowed eyes.

I had to drive my point home, in front of all these witnesses.

“I want you to acknowledge the fact, Your Grace, that my husband is to stay in Rorrim when you leave tomorrow.”

“Only if he is your husband in every sense of that word,” she insisted. “To spare his modesty, however, I am willing to give you a chance to rectify the situation right now, with only me and my escort in attendance, as opposed to a far greater number of witnesses at the public consummation tomorrow.”

“If I ‘rectify the situation’ tonight,” I said with a calm confidence I did not feel, “There will be only the prince and I in that room. No one else.”

“How can we be sure it happened if we don’t witness it with our own eyes?” the duchess asked suspiciously.

“You’ll have to take my word on it.”

“Like I said, Your Highness. My faith in your word on this particular matter has been severely shaken.”

“How about Leafar’s word then? I know he confides in you. He wouldn’t lie.”

The duchess blew out a derisive laugh. “I’d be a terrible stateswoman if I believed the words of men.”

I leaned with my back against the closed bedroom door.

“What would it take for you to accept it once it has happened, Your Grace? Because I swear on everything that has any value in this world, you are not watching me fuck your nephew.”

The duchess didn’t flinch at my choice of words. The lack of decorum didn’t faze the seasoned politician like herself.

“If you’re implying I’ll derive any kind of pleasure from watching you defile the prince, you’re very mistaken. I’m simply looking after his interests.”

“Good. Then our goals align. I wish nothing but the best for your nephew too. He begged me to ‘defile’ him in private, and I shall oblige. You’re not setting foot in my bedroom.”

“I am not leaving—”

“Suit yourself. Feel free to stay in this room for as long as you like. Now if you excuse me, I have a husband to bed.”

I placed a hand on the handle of my bedroom door and paused just enough to make sure they wouldn’t rush me in their eagerness to get in.

The duchess squared her shoulders, angling her head down like a bull, ready to charge.

“I’ll give you thirty minutes, Your Highness, before I enter this room. If you’re not done by then—”

“I need longer than that,” I interrupted her hurriedly, my fake composure slipping. “I need to take a bath first.”

“Well, then you’d better hurry.” She remained relentless. “At least on his first night with a woman, my nephew deserves better than a wife who reeks of horses and other men.”

I swallowed that insult as a punishment for all my lies and silently entered my bedroom.

Not finding Leafar in the sitting area, I peeked behind the silk screen to find him in my bed. Wrapped in my blankets, he slept on his side with his mouth open and a string of drool glistening in its corner.

I quickly slipped into the bathroom and had a shower. I made the water as hot as my skin could stand without blistering. Lathering the sponge with the rose soap, I scrubbed every part of my body, washing off every trace of Salas’s touch.

Despite my best efforts to hold them in, tears ran down my cheeks. I’d broken promises and lied just for a chance to experience a sliver of stolen happiness with the forbidden man. As a result, I made everyone around me miserable and drove the man I loved out of the city.

Now, I had to lie to myself that I didn’t need Salas in my life, that I could do just fine without him. I had to deny any chance of happiness to myself to keep everyone else happy.

And so it had to be.

I dried my skin with a towel, put on my robe, and walked over to my bed to finally have sex with my husband.

Leafar blinked at me, sitting in bed with the blanket pressed to his chest.

“Did I wake you up?” I asked. “I tried to be quiet.”

“I wasn’t sleeping,” he lied, but I didn’t hold it against him. I’d told far worse lies myself. “Um... my aunt?” He looked around as if expecting the grand duchess to jump out from behind the screen.

“She’s in the sitting room. It’s just you and me here tonight.”

He looked confused. “But she should be here.”

“She gave me thirty minutes to... consummate in private.”

He perked up.

“Really? I guess we better hurry then.”

He tossed off the covers, revealing his completely nude body and his already partially erect penis. His shyness seemed to have melted under the heat of his eagerness to get it over with.

“Wait.” I stopped him by raising a hand. “I have a few conditions first.”

“What kind of conditions?” he asked warily.

“You’ll lay down on your back and will remain in that position during the whole thing. Please.”

“All right.” He readily agreed, plopping back into the pillows. “Isn’t that how it’s always done? The wife is always on top.”

I closed my eyes for a moment, forcing the cherished memories of Salas’s large body moving over me out of my mind. I didn’t want to remember it right now, not when I was about to get in bed with someone else.

“Can you also not grab me while we are...together?” I asked Leafar.

He squinted at me from the pillow. “You don’t want me to touch you?”

“Can I trust you not to restrain me or hold me down while you’re touching me?” I fisted my hands, already dreading an impending panic attack.

He was so young, so inexperienced, and I was so fucking jumpy. Not knowing what to expect from him, I couldn’t trust him, and I feared the worst.

“It’d be kind of hard to hold you down if you’re on top,” he pondered.

It was not impossible for him to roll me over. He was stronger than me. But I wasn’t going to give him any ideas about that now.

“Just try not to overpower me. Let me do all the work, at least tonight. Please?”

“As you wish.” He threw his arms to his sides. “I’m all yours.”

All mine.

Whether I wanted it or not.

I lifted my robe out of the way as I climbed onto the bed. He bit his lip, watching me straddle his legs.

Was he hard enough for us to proceed? He didn’t look like he was. Goddess knew, I wasn’t ready at all.

How was I supposed to fix it?

I never had to think about things like that with Salas.

Salas...

With him, it’d just happened. In the most amazing way.

My chest squeezed so hard, I nearly bent over in pain.

I couldn’t think about him right now.

I couldn’t remember...

“Your Highness?” Leafar’s worried voice reached me as if through a fog.

In this relationship, I was the one who had to make it happen. I had to be strong. I tugged at the belt of my robe, untying it.

“It’s all good,” I said, trying to sound comforting, then shrugged the robe off and tossed it aside.

He ran a curious gaze up and down my naked body as I tried my best not to blush. It wasn’t shyness that crippled me, but the uncomfortable feeling from how wrong this whole thing felt.

Unease creeped up my spine, threatening to paralyze me. I had to get it done and over with. Quick. Like yanking out a tooth.

“Sex is supposed to be enjoyable.” Salas’s words came to me.

And then, “Some things take time.”

I didn’t have time. I fought for it and lost. But I had to at least try to make it enjoyable for Leafar.

I plastered a smile on my face and leaned over him.

“Just relax, my prince.” I slid my hands up his perfectly smooth chest.

His muscles strained under my touch.

Relax.

Relax and enjoy.

The words jolted me with alarm. I stiffened, dreading where my mind was about to go. Coercion led Leafar and me into my bed tonight. I’d been forced, and my mind reacted, threatening to veer off into the darkness once again.

Unlike my panic attack with Salas, however, there were no gentle arms cradling me, no soothing words to support me. I couldn’t count on anyone but myself to get me through this.

“Ahh, it feels good.” Leafar let go of the sheets he was clutching and gripped my hips. Sliding me forward over his cock, he bucked his hips up.

“Wait...” I pushed against his chest.

“How much longer do you want me to wait?” he snapped, his fingers digging into my flesh. “Have I not been patient enough?”

It wasn’t his fault. He didn’t know me. Maybe I didn’t give him enough chances to get to know me, but he had rejected every opportunity I gave, and the more I’d learned about him, the further away it drove me.

Fighting against his grip, I scooted back.

He glared at me.

“It’s because of him , isn’t it?”

I froze, startled. “What are you talking about?”

He pulled himself up into a sitting position. With his fingers locked on my hips, I straddled his thighs.

“I’m talking about that slave turned gladiator you’ve been fornicating with.”

Blood stopped in my veins.

I licked my dry lips. “Who told you about him?”

“Did I even need to be told?” he scoffed. “Everyone saw how you looked at him in the arena during the games and at the ball tonight.”

I could deny it, but I’d lied enough. Leafar was my only future, and what kind of future would that be if we built it on lies?

“I’m sorry, Leafar.” I took a deep breath. “I’m sorry I met him before I met you. I’m sorry my feelings for him grew out of my control. I’m sorry I can never regret meeting him. But if I hurt you in any way, I hope we can find a way for you to forgive me, because hurting you was never my intention. Your safety and your position in Rorrim were never threatened. And now...” I swallowed hard. “He’s gone, Leafar. I’ll never see him again.”

“Oh, he is gone,” he lashed out. “Absolutely. I made sure of it.”

My muscles tightened in apprehension. “What do you mean?”

“Powerful women take lovers. It’s a fact of life.” He spread his arms to the sides in acceptance of that fact. “Women will be women. My feelings aren’t hurt,” he scoffed. “I knew my place long before I came to Rorrim. As your husband, I’m supposed to celebrate whatever makes you happy. And if it takes several random men to satisfy you, so be it. But if it’s just one man, there is always a threat of him eventually taking my place. Especially a former whore, whom you went through the huge trouble of elevating to a royal gladiator.”

“How do you know all of that?” I scrambled from his lap, almost falling off the bed in the process.

“Another gladiator kindly informed me, so I knew where the danger lies.” He followed me into the sitting area behind the screen.

“Who else knows?” I didn’t bother putting my robe on, grabbing my discarded dress instead. It might smell like horses, but I had no time to look for anything else.

Butt naked, Leafar watched me, his eyes flicking nervously between my face and my clothes. “Where are you going?”

“Who else knows, Leafar? Whom did you tell about Salas?”

“Salas?”

“The man whose secret you just so righteously threw in my face.”

His handsome features scrunched with disgust.

“He’s a whore, Your Highness. Why would you even want to associate yourself—”

“You put his life in danger.” My shaking fingers got trapped in the dress as I tried to straighten it to put it on. “Do you not realize that?”

“Well, according to the Rorrim’s laws, he should’ve been long executed,” he replied casually.

Burning with both anger and terror, I tossed the dress aside.

“What do you know about our laws?” Then it dawned on me. Leafar wasn’t foolish, but he had a weakness that allowed him to be manipulated. His weakness was fear. “Who put you up to this? Your aunt?”

He paled.

“No. My aunt can’t know about a whore in your bed. Think about the scandal it’d cause in Olakrez.”

“Who, then? The gladiator who told you? Was it Falo?” I knew it was. “Who else knows?” I gripped his arms and shook him so hard his teeth clunked. “Whom else did you tell?”

“Your mother, the queen.”

“What?” I dropped my hands from his arms.

Mother would be furious. She must be, since she didn’t even call for me to speak with me about it. I had to talk to her at once. I’d get her out of bed if I had to. Maybe I could still salvage the situation somehow.

“And the head councilor, Lady Etah,” he added.

My heart dropped.

Salas’ secret was no longer a secret. The council knew.

I blew out a breath, scrambling for what to do now.

Leafar spread his arms aside again.

“I had to, Your Highness. Who else has power over you? Who else could possibly put an end to it and make you behave?”

“Me.” I pressed a hand to my chest. “Me, Leafar. You should’ve talked to me. That’s how trust builds between people. We should’ve been able to discuss things between us, instead of talking to others behind each other’s backs.”

And now what? Was I too late to do anything about it?

Cold sweat chilled my spine.

“Oh, Leafar.” I shook my head. “You let your fear rule you. And now, an innocent man may die.”

“He isn’t innocent!” he shrieked. “He’s a whore who has no place in the palace, in the arena, or in your heart. Your association with a man like that is disgusting. Mother would’ve never accepted your marriage proposal if she knew. You’re a princess, for gods’ sake. Why did you need to fall this low? Did you not have enough handsome men at the court to fornicate with? Did you have to fuck a dirty whore?”

I raised my hand to slap him for the insult. No one would fault me if I did. According to the laws of Rorrim, it was perfectly legal for me to hit him. But the same laws would have him executed if he slapped me back.

How wrong all these laws turned out to be, and I had worshiped them for so long.

I dropped my hand without touching him. Grabbing my dress from the floor, I tossed it over my arm, then did the same with my cloak.

Wearing nothing but my shoes and my glasses, I shoved the door into the sitting room open and marched out.

“Guards!” I yelled.

“Your Highness?” Leafar ran out after me.

His aunt and her entourage rose from the armchairs, staring at us in shock. The door to the hallway opened, and two guards rushed in.

Leafar faltered. Realizing he was still completely naked, he cupped his crotch with his hands and promptly retreated behind the bedroom door.

I placed my clothes over the back of the couch, then took the dress from the pile and shook it out.

“My highly esteemed ladies,” I announced, putting the dress on over my head. “The prince’s reputation is fully and irreparably tarnished. I hope he’s now sufficiently defiled for your liking, Your Grace.” I bowed my head to the Great Duchess while closing the front buttons of my dress.

I didn’t explicitly confirm the consummation, but I knew how my words would be taken in conjunction with both of us emerging naked from the dark bedroom. I owed this much to Leafar. No matter what, he was my responsibility. His aunt had to deliver the report of our marriage being valid to his mother, and they both had to leave him alone.

“Well...” The grand duchess moved her startled gaze from me to her nephew, who was peeking at us from behind the door.

The duchess clearly hesitated on how to proceed in this situation. Plenty of witnesses saw us naked, including the palace guards. It’d be foolish of her to insist Leafar remained untouched and pursue an annulment. It also would be impossible for his mother to bank on his pure reputation again and find another high-standing wife for the prince. Their best bet was to leave him in Rorrim, just like he wished.

The prince didn’t even need to lie. All he had to do to get what he wanted now was simply to keep quiet. And he did, not saying a word.

One of the guards stepped forward, tentatively gripping her crossbow.

“Your Highness? Do you need help?”

“Yes. Please send for Prince Leafar’s valet to help him get dressed and escort him to his bedroom. My prince needs his rest. He had a very, very busy night.”

With the emphasis on that word, I glanced at Leafar, wondering if the trust we’d pledged to each other and broke could ever be restored.

Tossing the cloak over my shoulders, I left the room. With the hood low over my face, I headed to the east wing of the palace, where gladiators were staying for the night, including the guest of honor who’d been lauded as the one touched by magic still that morning, only to become a hunted fugitive now.