Risqué Business (Club Risqué #8)

Chapter 1

GRACE AND XAVIER

G race sat in the examination room of her husband’s medical practice and tried to read the nurse’s face. She didn’t really need to, of course. She already knew the answer.

“Right, I’ll let Xavier know you’re ready for him,” Judy announced in a no-nonsense voice that gave as little away as her expression.

Grace huffed out a silent sigh, put on a brave face and followed the nurse to Xavi’s office, even though she knew her way and hardly needed to be escorted. Perhaps she was worried about Grace breaking down, even though she hadn’t been told anything.

She stepped into the office and thanked Judy before turning already brimming eyes on her husband. Xavier wasn’t quite as stoic as the nurse, having clearly already read her notes. The answer lay in the disappointment in his own eyes. Unsurprising, since this affected him as much as her.

He stood and held out his arms, and Grace rushed into them, burying her head and letting go of the tears she’d been holding at bay.

“It’s not fair, Xavi,” she sobbed, beating at his chest with an ineffectual fist. “Everyone around us is either pregnant or has a baby. What’s wrong with me?”

Xavier petted her hair and murmured nonsense words to soothe her. “Don’t fret, sweetheart,” he said in a low voice. “It’s not the end of the world. You’re already doing everything right. You’re taking folic acid now. Your diet is excellent, you’ve stopped drinking alcohol and you’ve reduced your caffeine intake. You’re keeping active...”

“And yet none of it’s enough,” Grace said bitterly, wiping the tears off her cheek with the heel of her hand.

Xavier sighed and held her tighter. “There are still some other medicines we could try,” he told her, but there was a hesitancy in his voice Grace didn’t know how to read. Had he had enough? Did he want to give up? It had never been on his radar to have a baby. That was all her idea.

“Perhaps we just have to admit it’s time to get some outside help,” he finally said. “There are surgical procedures… assisted conception – intrauterine insemination or in vitro fertilisation. There are still lots of other options.”

Grace stilled in the shield of his embrace. Was that what she wanted?

All her life, she’d imagined her future with a baby in her arms. She’d heard her body-clock ticking loud and determined, especially during the run-up to her fortieth birthday.

Now, she was already forty-one. Time, which had never been on her side, was literally running out.

Xavier cupped her face in his hands and looked deeply into her eyes. "We haven't exhausted all of our options yet," he said gently, a hint of optimism on the edge of his voice. "There’s always a way. We can try adoption too, Grace. It’s not the end."

Grace looked at him, her husband, the man who, despite never having the same urge for children of his own, was willing to move mountains for her to become a mother. She had often wondered if he was doing it more out of love for her than the love for a child that may not even come.

"But I wanted us to have our own… our flesh and blood," Grace whispered, unable to keep the despair from washing over her words.

"I know," Xavier affirmed with a heavy sigh, his thumb tracing patterns on her cheeks to distract her from the pain stirring within. "But if we can't... if it doesn't happen, would you be okay with loving a child that didn't bear our genetic makeup?"

Grace was silent for a moment before she buried her face in his chest, clinging to his shirt as she stifled sobs. She knew Xavier was right; there were other options waiting for them. Options that could make them parents without having to go through biological processes.

She was ambivalent about the prospect of adoption - she wasn’t as confident as him. Although they both had stable, well-paid jobs, neither of them was getting any younger.

And did she really want to go through that entire process? One of being psyched up then torn down, over and over again. Was she strong enough to withstand it?

It scared her that she didn’t know the answer.

“Maybe…” she swallowed past the lump in her throat. “Maybe we - I - should just be thankful for everything we have instead of constantly wanting more.”

She put one of her biggest fears into words. “Even if I manage to become pregnant immediately, I’ll be forty-two before our baby is born. Sixty before they hit adulthood… and you’ll be even older. Is that really fair on any child?”

“Hey,” Xavier lifted her chin, so she had no choice but to look at him. “So, you’re telling me if you got pregnant in the next few months, you’d terminate?”

Grace’s brows pulled together, and she shook her head vehemently. “What? No! Of course not,” she denied.

Xavier nodded. “Then stop talking nonsense, Grace. We’re both in great shape. Better than a lot of people our age. Don’t allow your doubts to get the better of you, pet. Think about all the things we have to offer, instead.”

Grace tried. She really did. But when another three months had passed without any change, she was forced to admit - if only to herself - that she was ready to throw in the towel.

This entire process was so damn stressful. She felt as if her previously fulfilling life had been reduced to nothing more than her ability to reproduce. Like she was suddenly nothing more than a defective broodmare. Her entire life had begun to revolve around this single thing. Not her education or her achievements. Not all the things she’d accomplished in the name of human rights. She rose and fell on the biological efficacy of reproduction.

And currently, she was failing.

She felt that failure all the way to her core.