Rumor Has It (Longwood U)

Chapter 24

CHAPTER 24

DAK

I don’t expect to see Sparrow the next morning. The way I feel like I can’t catch my breath had me awake most of the night. It’s made me realize that I’ve been fortunate to have never had my heart broken.

Well, there was that time when I was eleven and Lacie Miligan chose another boy to take her ice skating instead of me. In hindsight, I think I was more affronted that I—someone who’s been skating since he could walk—wasn’t chosen to take her skating. At the time, I’d been devastated she’d picked a different boy to hold her hand.

But I was eleven. What makes an eleven-year-old sad has nothing on this feeling. I heard Sparrow’s words. I heard him say he likes me a whole lot. But that still means I’m somewhere he isn’t. I’m pretty convinced I love this man and he merely likes me.

Ironic, since his entire premise of the reason he needs to think about being with me is that he’s usually in a different place than those around him. Clearly, I’m the one in a different place right now. And that place hurts a lot.

So yeah, I don’t expect him at the door. Imagine my surprise to find him standing there with a hot to-go cup in his hand, leaning against the wall across from the door as he usually is. It makes my already aching heart beat a little faster. The ache hurts a little more.

I pause just inside the door when I see him, trying to get my breathing to regulate. Then I step out, shutting the door behind me, and cross the hall. Sparrow hands me the beverage. I don’t smell chocolate, so I think it’s tea. His arm wraps around my shoulders and he pulls me close, kissing the side of my mouth softly.

“You okay?”

I nod, but can’t bring myself to say anything. It feels as if my voice would crack and that would be a dead giveaway. He kisses me again, then drops his hand to mine, linking our fingers together and leading me down the hall.

Sparrow gets up this early just to walk me to class on Tuesdays. I know that. It means something that he does so. He’s already in my pants, so I know it’s not just a way to seduce me. On our way through campus, I remind myself of this in an endless chant inside my head until we’re standing in front of my classroom door.

It’s hard to look into his eyes because I’m afraid of what he’s going to see in mine. But when his hand cups my cheek, I have no choice but to look up. It’s not often I see Sparrow without a smile, but he’s looking at me with concern.

“You sure you’re okay?” he asks.

I nod. “I’m fine,” I say and try to smile.

He sighs. His lips press to mine, and it hurts to kiss him this morning. But I do, fearing it might be one of my last.

“I’m heading to Xavi’s after my class. I’ll be back this afternoon. Okay?”

I nod. “Have fun.”

He stares at me for a minute and I can only imagine what he’s seeing in my eyes. “You’re really sure you’re okay?”

It’s difficult to smile, but I try to give him one. “Yes. I’m fine, Sparrow.” It’s a lie and I think we both know it.

From the way he presses his lips together before pressing them to mine a second later, he hears the lie as loud as I do. “I’ll text you when I get back.”

“Okay.”

I watch him walk away, and with every step, I feel sick. He’s not going to text me. I can feel it in my chest. He glances back and waves as he steps through the exit. Once he’s out of sight, I take a deep breath and turn to step into my classroom.

Taking my usual seat, I stare at my drink. I take a sip and let the hot, slightly bitter-slightly sweet liquid wash down my throat. It’s really good. I’m not sure what he orders, but I always love the tea he brings me. This morning, I love it a little more.

Why do I feel this heavy finality hanging over me? Yes, he said he wanted to think about it, but he also emphasized how much he likes me.

But the more I repeat those words he likes me the more childish it sounds in my head. Ohhh, he liiiikkkesss youuuu.

Since I know I’m not going to be paying much attention today, I pull out my phone. When I open it, I find the latest article I’d been reading on free use. I can’t help but wonder whether Sparrow would feel differently if I offered free use. The more I read, the more I can imagine it being a part of our relationship dynamic. I’m reminded of the hint of this that played out at the hockey game the other day.

He wanted, he took. And I fucking loved it. I came so damn hard.

Wait. No. I don’t want sex to be what’s driving him to be with me. I want him to want to be with me. I’ve already told him…

My gut twists when I realize I’ve just done exactly what I promised him I wouldn’t do. The one thing he asked from me when I told him I want to fuck exclusively is that I needed to tell him how I was feeling, especially when it concerned him.

I mentally curse myself as I switch over to our text conversation. No wonder he gave me that look right before he walked away. Because we both knew I was lying. And I insisted on keeping that lie. If he decides he doesn’t want to see me, he has a very good reason now. I’d just proven I am the kind of guy he avoids.

I just didn’t want to push him. My instincts are fucking backwards.

As I stare at our text exchange, I have no idea what to write. What do I say right now? How do I fix this? I tap out several things but, in the end, by the time class is over, I haven’t sent him anything. He hasn’t texted me either, not that I expected him to. He doesn’t normally when he’s in class. His class started ten minutes before mine ended so I don’t often see him after this class.

But the silence from him feels like it gets louder and louder throughout the day. Especially when his class ends, and I don’t hear from him. He’s with his friend now, so I shouldn’t expect to hear from him. But I want to. I really, really want to!

By the time I’m finished with my last class of the day, I’m not sure what to do with myself. My stomach feels sour, and I know this is all on me. Not only did I push him toward something he doesn’t want when he obviously doesn’t feel the same way I do, but I also broke my promise.

Ezlo is in our room when I get back. There aren’t many times I see this man sit still, but he’s currently sitting on his bed with his books spread out before him with his headphones on. There are big, curling demon horns coming off his headphones. They’re pretty sick.

He looks up when I open the door and gives me a smile as he pulls one of the earpieces away from his ear. “Hey.”

I shut the door and drop my bag. “Hey. You’re studying?”

Ezlo laughs. “Yeah. I have a paper due soon and if I do well on it, I don’t have to worry about the final so much, which is one less final to study for.”

“Ah. Papers suck. Good luck.”

He snorts. “It’s not so bad when you enjoy it. But yeah, definitely. What’re you up to?”

I shake my head. No fucking idea. “Gym, maybe.”

“Want some company?”

“No. Do your paper. Get that A. I’m fine to entertain myself.”

The way he studies me says he’s not buying my nonchalant demeanor any more than Sparrow did. I need to work on my acting.

“You sure?”

Sighing, I nod. “I’m sure, Ez. I promise, everything is fine.” Oh, look at me. Lying again. With the way he frowns at me, I’m no better with this lie than the one I told Sparrow. At least I’m consistent.

“All right,” he says. “Let me know if you change your mind.”

I nod again and head back out before he decides to tag along anyway. However, I have no intention of going to the gym. That feels far too exhausting. So I let my feet carry me and try not to stare at my phone screen, waiting for Sparrow’s text. I find myself in front of the hockey arena.

Without giving it much thought, I pull on the doors until I find one open. The entrance is almost always empty except during arrival, intermissions, and departure. So I’m not at all surprised to find it’s empty right now.

There’s a set of double doors open to the stadium, so I poke my head in. The ice is empty. It’s been a long time since I was on the ice. Since I don’t see anyone around, I make my way down the stairs and along the boards until I can step onto the ice.

I scooch along with my sneakers for a minute, then take a running start that finishes with me sliding. It’s not nearly the same as on skates, but it still feels good. I do it a couple more times before falling on my face when I almost run into a mass of pads that just stepped onto the ice.

Rolling over, I find Lennox standing over me. We’ve never actually met more than in passing, but we know who the other is. He’s looking down at me with a grin. “What’s up, Bozik?”

“I was fooling around until a mountain of hockey pads startled me.”

He laughs. “It’s easier to skate on skates.”

“Yes, well, I didn’t know I was coming here. And if I’d taken my skates out, Ezlo would have followed. He’ll take any reason to get on the ice.”

“Shame he’s convinced himself he doesn’t want to play anymore,” Lennox says as he offers me his hand to pull me up.

He chose an interesting way of saying that. When I’m upright, I study him. “Why do you say it like that?”

“You and I both know he loves hockey. I can see the longing on his face when he’s at our games.”

“I hate to break this to you, but that longing is for you.”

Lennox laughs. “Want to borrow some skates? We have a bunch in the back.”

I nod and follow him. As I’m lacing up with Lennox leaning against the wall waiting for me, he says, “I like Ezlo. He’s a cool guy. It’s almost a shame that I’m just not attracted to men. It has nothing to do with him and everything to do with me. You can’t just change who you are, you know?”

“Yes.”

“I try not to give him hope or mixed signals. I love hanging out with him, but I think that does give him hope so I try not to as much as I would like to.”

I stand and my body feels almost awkward on skates. Wow, it’s been a while. I follow Lennox out and as soon as my skates touch the ice, it feels like I can finally inhale a breath of fresh, cold air. I close my eyes and let my momentum take me until I come to a stop. Then I’m skating around, twisting and turning, crouching and jumping. Just to see how rusty I am.

“You’ve done this before,” he muses.

Grinning, I say, “I was better on skates than off when I was a toddler for quite some time.”

“I thought it would be weird if the Buffalo trio’s son never made it to skates.”

I grin. My last name isn’t all that common in the States, but unless you’re a hockey fan, I’m pretty anonymous. It doesn’t surprise me at all that Lennox knows who I am more than just Ezlo’s friend and roommate.

“Yep. I stopped playing when I was ten.”

“See, now I believe that you didn’t want to play anymore. Quitting as a child is different than winning awards, breaking a record, and being fucking badass all the way through high school and then just… stopping.”

“Did you know him in high school?”

Lennox shakes his head. “Nah. But we talked about hockey a lot at first. It was our common ground. And when he stopped talking about hockey, I looked him up. Ezlo is passionate about hockey. I don’t know what happened, but I wish he’d get over it and get his ass back on the ice.”

I shake my head. “Are your parents hockey players?”

He laughs. “No. So I’m clearly missing something, huh?”

Shrugging, I skate around his net. “You’re right. He loves hockey. But I understand the reasons he doesn’t want to play. He’s not convincing himself of anything. He loves hockey. He breathes hockey. But sometimes, those aren’t enough reasons to want to continue playing.”

“And you? Why didn’t you want to play?”

“I didn’t want to dedicate myself.” I shrug. “You know that you eat, sleep, and breathe hockey growing up if you want to get good. I missed having friends and playing with other kids. I just didn’t have that love, I guess.”

I skate around with Lennox on the ice for an hour, passing the puck with a borrowed stick and just laughing. When the team starts trickling in for practice, I thank him and head out. That’s when I see the texts waiting for me.

River Sparrow

I’m home. Come over if you’re not busy.

I’m going to order pizza. You hungry?

Everything okay?

Relief that he texted me several times over the last half an hour makes my shoulders relax. I send back a quick ‘on my way’ and then head over. As soon as he opens the door, I step into him, wrapping my arms around his waist.

Sparrow sighs, hugging me in return. We stand there for a minute. “I’m sorry,” I tell him. “I lied. I’m not okay.”

“I know.”

“But I’m sorry I lied about it. I told you I’d talk about how I was feeling, and I didn’t.”

“I know that too. I’m glad you realized it on your own. Come in. Let’s talk.”

I follow him inside. As soon as we’re seated on the couch, there’s a knock. “Pizza,” he explains. “Hold on.”

He gets up and returns with a box of pizza. Setting it aside, he drops back to the couch and pulls me into his lap so I’m straddling him.

“Talk,” he says.

“I think I like you more than you like me,” I say, even though I want to choke on my tongue. “It hurt when you didn’t want to be with me and… I’m not really sure how to process it. Also, I’m not a fan of talking about my feelings. It’s awkward.”

He chuckles, wrapping his arms around my waist. “I think I need to reiterate that I didn’t say I didn’t want to be with you. Did I?”

“No, but… ”

“No. No buts. Sometimes what or who you want isn’t what’s best for you. Knowing that and understanding when you need to not do what you want is part of the suckiness that is adulthood. While I know this is in no way the same thing or comparable, it’s a very literal explanation, so I’m going to use it. A person in an abusive relationship may love their partner with their whole heart and want to stay with them. But that’s not what they need. Knowing how—and in this case, having the strength—to make a different decision than what you want is part of growing up.”

“I feel like you’re talking down to me.”

Sparrow grins. “I’m not. Promise. I’m just saying that this is why I’m thinking about it. I do want you, Dak. I think we could be really good together. I think our relationship could be amazing.”

“But…”

“But we’re not in the same phase in our lives right now. I’m worried that one or both of us is going to compromise on something big.”

“I’d like to point out that all relationships involve compromise.”

“Diving in blindly, head first, is not smart.”

I sigh.

“So, what now?”

“That depends on you. Do you want to take a break until I figure out my shit, or do you want to keep on how we have been? Just so it’s clear, the only thing that differentiates what we’re doing from what you’re asking is a label, Dak. I’ve only been seeing you since we met.”

“Really? Since that first time at Rumor?”

Sparrow smirks. “Yes. Unintentionally, maybe, but yes. I haven’t so much as looked at another man since. My desire isn’t any less than yours, Dak. But I don’t act solely on my emotions, no matter how strong they are.”

I nod. “Yes, I want to keep seeing you.”

“Good,” he says, smiling. “Now eat some pizza. I think we both need a cuddle after.”