Ruthless Regret (Ruthless Games Duology #2)

Chapter 18

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

ASHLEY

Karla and Jessa-Mae surface around seven. Doors slam, showers run, and I get up to make coffee for them both. Jessa is the first to enter the kitchen. She pauses in the doorway, and frowns at me.

“I didn’t think you’d be up yet.”

I hand her a mug. “I couldn’t sleep.” I don’t mention the nightmare that woke me. “Are you at work today?”

She nods, and drags out a chair so she can sit down. “We’re both on the same shift today. Why don’t you come in with us? That way you’re not here alone all day.”

“No. I’ve got a few things to do.”

“Didn’t the sheriff say not to be alone?”

“We’re in the middle of New York, during the day. I don’t think anything is going to happen to me.” I sound a lot more certain than I really feel. But I don’t want my friends to feel like they need to babysit me.

“Are you sure?”

“Sure about what?” Karla walks into the room.

“I’m sure that I don’t need to follow you both around like a lost puppy at work all day.” I nod toward the mug of coffee waiting for her on the counter. “I made you a drink.”

Karla tosses me a smile, and scoops it up. “Thanks.” She joins us at the table. “What are your plans for the day?”

“I’m going to go and buy a new phone, then call my mom and see if she can get my license back from Zain. I’d rather do that than have to apply for a replacement. Luckily, I didn’t leave my credit card in my phone case. That’s in my purse.”

“Maybe you should wait for us to come home before you go shopping,” Karla says.

“It’s fine. Nothing is going to happen to me.” My voice is firm, but I’m not sure whether I’m trying to convince them or me .

“Or you could come into work and get your job back.” Jessa sets her mug down. “Before you say anything, it’s only been a couple of days. There’s no way they’ll have filled your position yet.”

“I don’t want to.”

“The longer you leave it, the less chance there is of them canceling your resignation.”

“I don’t want to go back.”

“You spent less than a week back in Whitstone, and now you’re throwing away everything you’ve worked for? You have a good job. What’s the point in giving up on that?”

“Because it’s not what I want!” My shouted words hang in the air, while my two friends stare at me with matching expressions of shock.

“It’s not what I want,” I repeat in a quieter voice.

“You’ve been through some pretty traumatic things over the last couple of days,” Karla’s voice is gentle. “Maybe you shouldn’t rush into making any decisions. Give yourself some time to work through everything first.”

“I don’t need to.”

“Ash—”

“I said no. I didn’t spend four years at college to end up at a shitty administration job with no room for growth.”

“You were fine with that shitty job last week,” Jessa snaps.

“And now I’m not.” I hold her gaze. A week ago, I’d have backed down, agreed with her, and stayed quiet. But last week was a thousand years ago, and I’m not the same person anymore.

She stands up and crosses the floor to rinse her mug, then sets it down on the drainer.

“Are you ready to go, Karla? We’re going to be late.” She glances over at me. “You know where we are if you need anything.”

“I’ll be fine.”

Karla sighs. “Call me once you have your new cell phone so I have your number. And be careful . Just because you’re not in Whitstone anymore, it doesn’t mean you might not be in danger.” She reaches across the table and squeezes my fingers. “You know we’re just worried about you, don’t you?”

“I know.” I stay in the kitchen while they leave.

The door slams a second or two later, and then opens again. Jessa comes through the door like a whirlwind, pulls me to my feet and hugs me.

“I’m sorry. But Karla is right. We’re just worried. You’re acting so strangely.”

“I’m working through it.” I hug her back.

“Call me as well, once you have your new cell. Check in throughout the day. And stay aware. If you see something weird, come home and lock the doors. If you can’t do that, stay somewhere public and busy and call us. We’ll come and get you.”

“I will. I promise.”

She rushes away, and the door slams again. For the first time in days, I’m completely alone. No one hovering over me, no one pushing me to talk, no one demanding my attention or forcing me to make decisions. Just me, and my thoughts.

I take my time washing and drying the mugs, my hands moving on autopilot. My mind is elsewhere, stuck on Jessa’s words.

You’re acting so strangely.

Of course I’m acting strangely. How else would I act after everything that’s happened?

Jessa and Karla mean well, I know that. But they don’t understand. How can they? They weren’t dragged into the nightmare I’ve spent the last five days living through, and they’ve never gone head-to-head with someone like Zain.

Zain.

I can’t stop thinking about him, no matter how hard I try. He’s lingering constantly in the back of my mind. And it’s not just thoughts of his anger, his ruthless behavior. It’s everything . The look in his eyes, the way his voice softened when he wasn’t playing his games of control, the way he felt when we?—

I slam the mug down a little too hard, and it rattles on the counter.

I don’t have time for this! I don’t have time to dwell on how we ended up sleeping together, why it happened, or what it meant. It doesn’t matter.

I finish drying the mugs, and head back to my room, so I can grab my washbag, before taking a shower. The water rains down over me, hot and soothing, and for a moment I let my mind go blank. But it doesn’t last. And before long, I’m replaying the events of the past week in my mind again.

Zain’s release.

Meeting him at Jason’s grave.

The contract.

The marriage.

The chaos that followed.

Every single detail feels sharper, more vivid than ever, as though my mind is refusing to let me forget any of it. But no matter how much I turn it over in my head, there’s one truth I can’t ignore.

I want to know what really happened.

It’s not just about Zain. It’s not even about the revenge he claimed he wanted or the twisted game he played. It’s about Jason and Louisa. It’s about the lies I didn’t know I was telling myself.

My friends would say that now I’ve walked away, I should put it behind me and return to my life. But regardless of his intentions, Zain has opened a door inside my mind that I’ve kept locked for years.

I want to know the truth behind Jason and Louisa’s deaths. Even when I thought Zain was the culprit, I wanted to know why . But I pushed it away, buried it deep, and did everything I could to pretend it didn’t happen.

I can’t do that anymore.

I rinse off, and step out of the shower, wrapping a towel around me as I make my way back to the bedroom. My reflection in the mirror catches my eye, and I stop to look at myself. I don’t recognize the woman in the mirror staring back at me. She looks the same, but she’s not. There’s something different in her eyes. Something harder, and more determined.

I’m not the same person I was.

While I dress, I figure out my gameplan for the day.

First, I need a new phone. I’ve been cut off from the outside world for long enough, and I don’t just mean with Zain taking my cell away. I’ll deal with that later. For now, I need to take back control over everything I’ve let slip away over the years.

Once I have the phone, I’ll go to the library. The murders were well-publicized, and I can start there. I need to see what was reported, what wasn’t reported, and if there’s anything I don’t know about the case.

Then I’ll call Sheriff McFadden. He’s the only one who can give me access to the case files. Maybe I can convince him that I have a right to see them, that I need to understand what happened.

I need to know the truth. And just because I’ve walked away from Zain, it doesn’t mean I can’t try and find a way to access all the same information he can. I’ve seen his interrogation and my interviews. I have a right to ask why I was interviewed without a parent. I need to figure out why I can’t remember that first part of the interview. I want to know why I changed my story. I need to find a way to get those memories back.

Maybe I can find something … anything … that will give me answers to at least some of my questions.