Santa Is A Sl*t (Holiday Hoemies #2)

Chapter 1

Chapter One

NOEL

“What do you mean you’re moving?” I ask incredulously. Surely, this woman is playing a twisted joke.

Val sighs before giving me a sympathetic look. “Noel, I’ll still be in the same city as you and we’ll see each other all the time.”

I see she’s made the decision to pacify me with classic lies. Crossing my arms over my chest, I pout and mumble under my breath, “Not as much as you see dick.”

My best friend is abandoning me for her hot bosses turned boyfriends turned freaking co-inhabitants. I should have known something was up when she suggested we camp out in the living room last night to watch my favorite movies. I should have suspected bad news when she brought out the cupcakes I like from the bakery across town. And I really should have guessed she was preparing me for bad news when I woke up to the phallic-shaped donuts that she had delivered for breakfast.

I knew it was coming. Val has been dating Beau, Hart, and Romeo for almost a year. I’ve been waiting for them to ask me to help them pick a ring; I should have been preparing for them to steal her away for good.

Assholes.

“One more year. We can make a roomie bucket list and check things off super slowly and appreciate the deep friendship we’ve forged.” I’m bargaining with desperation despite knowing it’s a lost cause.

Val wraps her arms around me. “You’re my best friend. You’ll always be my best friend, no matter how far away I live. Luckily, I’ll be close by so we can still make that list. Just go ahead and cross off any orgies or sex dungeons.”

She’s trying to ruin all the fun today.

I don’t understand why she’s making me eliminate the best ideas considering she is pretty much the orgy queen, taking three dicks on the regular. But whatever. Some girls have all the luck.

“Fine. I guess you can go live with all your boyfriends and just leave me here to die alone. I’ll make sure to adopt some cats that will be kind enough to feed from my remains when I succumb to mortality since I’m sure you’ll still be too busy having loads of sex to check on me.”

If she was thinking I would be reasonable about this, she is dead wrong. I’ve never been even a little reasonable in my entire life and I’m not going to waste a chance to be as dramatic as possible, hoping that she’ll feel guilty enough to change her mind.

It’s a lost cause because all she does is laugh. “I’m sure I’ll continue having stupid amounts of sex with mind-blowing orgasms but I’ll always make time for you, Noel. Would you like to continue in this pit of despair you’re digging or bitch about your boss until I have to leave?”

Val is good. As good as option number one sounds, she knows I can’t resist option two.

Ever since Scrooge McDoucheFace, also known as Nicholas, took over Santaland, we’ve put up with change after change. None of them are good changes either.

I’ve made sure to complain about him regularly to Val. A girl has to vent to her best friend so she can avoid turning her workplace into a rage room. Every time a new employee memo comes out, I think about grabbing a giant fake candy cane and shoving it up Nicholas’s ass.

“You’ve got that look on your face that normally ends in trouble. What’s going on now?” Val asks.

“Nothing new but I’m certain that will change by the time I make it into work. I was just imagining my new boss taking a candy cane up the ass courtesy of me.” It’s a nice fantasy. Maybe I’ll draw it out stick figure style and frame it.

“Lube or no lube?” she asks with a raised brow.

“I’d make an exception to my policy for him.”

“No lube, no back tube,” we say in unison. I’ve been preaching it since our college days. “I could maybe spit on it, even though it's not a sufficient replacement. If I was feeling charitable.”

Val laughs and I can’t help but smile.

I know I’ll still see her, realistically, but we’ve lived together for so much of our lives that this feels like a very serious change. It scares me and she knows it.

“I’m going to miss you, Val. So much. I am happy for you and I know those assholes love you. They’ll take care of you. But I’ll miss you.” I hold back the tears that are begging to fall.

She wraps me in another hug and I embrace her back. “I’ll miss you too, Noel.”

We spend the rest of our time in comfortable silence but I can’t help but wonder how much lonelier I’m going to feel once her things disappear from our apartment.

I don’t want to be alone.

What. A. Fucking. Twat.

An absolute asshole.

The most massive fuckwad in all of tarnation. Or at least in SantaScape.

I crumble up the newest employee memo and throw it on the ground before promptly picking it right back up and finding the nearest recycle bin.

Val would be mortified if she knew I was contemplating littering considering that she works for the sustainability company that her three boyfriends all own.

Remembering how Val and said hot boyfriends broke my heart this morning, I almost retrieve the tossed paper and throw it back on the floor.

Of course, the shitty day couldn’t just end there. Nope.

Not with Mr. Scroogy McSnooze in town.

Sweet old Santa left us last year. Not like…left us as in he died. Mr. Bates just abandoned us for the Bahamas and is living his best retirement life with his wife Carol.

His nephew, Nicholas, is the exact opposite of what anyone would expect from the new “Christmas King”. Since he started, the guy has sent out at least one work memo a day changing the many traditions of SantaScape.

First, no more after party. We’re just expected to work ourselves to the bone every single day with no celebration at the end of the season.

Then there were the costume changes. Before, we had modern adorable themed outfits with striped leggings and fitted attire. Now we look like an elf fucked a present box. I’m a walking gift with ears.

Now, he has the audacity to give us a script to follow, ensuring each child that comes to make a wish to Santa only has two minutes to do so.

Santa fright is a real thing. Some kids take two minutes just to muster up the word ”hi”.

I was bummed when all of the changes affected me and my daily routine but now that he’s messing with the kids…these itchy green gloves are coming off.

Well, figuratively…for now.

I hold my head high as I march my way to the office of my target. I’m ready to be fired. I’m ready for any consequences. I am ready to unleash every bit of rage I’ve contained inside my body for this.

Nicholas, watch out.

Instead of barging in, I pause outside the entry to his office. I need a few minutes to calm myself down first. After all, I still have a secretary to trick into letting me barge into our boss’s office without an appointment. There’s no way I’m going to fool her if I walk in looking like an elf from a gory horror film.

Only, there’s no one at the desk to stop me. It’s a little early in the day for a lunch break but I’m not going to dwell on it.