Scars and Burns (No Light Without the Dark #1)

43. Dinalia

43

Dinalia

T he modiste is going to be a challenge. How am I supposed to change, try on dresses, and justify my preferred high neckline without exposing my Goddess mark.

No one has seen it. No one except my Mother and Aeron. Who somehow knows about it. Though I still haven’t figured out how.

For the most part everyone assumes it is still on my forearm. Covered by my long sleeved tunics that I wear everyday.

Saphrina has been talking the whole time we’ve been in the carriage. Mindless chatter. I’m too distracted with keeping my Goddess mark a secret to care. I don’t notice she’s asked me a question until she’s tapping me on the knee.

My head turns towards her, “I’m sorry what did you say? I was lost in thought.”

“I asked what colors would you prefer? The fashion and style of the dresses will be simple since you’ve never really worn any. I can pick all the best ones out for you. But color is another matter. What suits me will most likely not compliment your… darker complexion.” At that I smile. No one in the Middle Kingdom has the same skin tone as me. In fact, even though I am from the Celestial Realm, I would have stood out even more if I had continued to live there. The people of the Middle Kingdom have ivory skin and those who work the fields tend to get more coloring. But the Celestial Realm is quite pale. Their soft porcelain skin seems to want to blend and match the snow caps of the mountains they live in. The only realm I have some resemblance to is the Shadowlands, with copper skin and raven hair. Though I have no knowledge of my lineage on my Father’s side. For all I know, I could be part of the Shadowlands. Wouldn’t that be ironic.

“You wear all black leathers every single day. Tunic and trousers, so I think we should mix it up for the gowns. Although black does seem to suit your coloring. A few gowns with silver embellishment in black could not hurt. That sapphire blue was stunning on you last night.” She hums a sweet sound. “Did you notice how it matched Prince Aeron’s eyes? What are the odds?”

Pretty high, considering when I fashioned the dress with my Mother all those years ago I chose the color for his eyes. But Saphrina doesn’t need to know that.

I shrug my shoulders. As if I didn’t really notice or pay close enough attention.

We’ve arrived at the modiste. The driver begins to open the door for Saphrina and myself when I pull it closed again. Locking it from the inside.

“What are you doing?!” Saphrina exclaims.

I exhale. I have to tell her. Have to show her why I need absolute privacy and discretion. I hold up a finger to the driver. Indicating I just need a moment. Closing the window shade.

“Saphrina, please sit.” She takes her seat again right across from me. Waiting patiently for me to explain myself. “Before we enter, there is something I must tell you. Something I must show you really.” Her face turns into worry. I begin to untie my corset. Just enough to loosen it so I can pull the tunic I wear underneath out to show her. I lay my hands on my chest. Closing my eyes and taking a few more deep breaths before starting. “When we enter the modiste I must change in private and I only wish to wear dresses with a high neckline.”

She scrunches her nose. “Dinalia, that is hardly going to capture the attention of a man to marry. Nor is it as feminine. So regal and stern per your usual attire. This is a chance to do something new. And on my Father’s coin! And if you are worried about exposing yourself, don’t be. I know you do not enjoy servants waiting on you. Nor are you used to being fitted so formally but this is the best modiste in the kingdom. They will make you feel safe and comfortable. Plus, I’ll be here for you as well.”

It’s not about feeling safe or comfortable. I’ve been uncomfortable my entire life and safety is a relative term.

Saphrina begins to speak again but before she can I expose my chest. Her eyes nearly pop out of her head when she sees my mark.

For a moment neither of us say anything. She just sits there staring at it. Analyzing it over and over and I at her.

“Please say something?” I finally ask.

She stammers for a moment. “Y - you have a complete Goddess mark. When? How? It’s incredible. Dark and vibrant as a tattoo. And the placement. I don’t know what to make of the placement.”

I lace my corset back up. Ensuring that my tunic is back in place. “I’ve had it for four years now. I received it days before Mother died. I didn’t even notice it had changed or moved to this part of my body until she exposed me to it. That is partially why I asked you if yours had appeared anywhere else when you said it was gone.”

She studies my face. Her face is a little scrunched. Confusion and what I am sure is a hint of jealousy lies beneath. “Okay, so that explains the when but what about the how.”

I take her hands in mine and hold them between us. “I honestly do not know. Mother came and talked to me the night she revealed it. It was the same day I found Lena, the lynx cub, in the woods. Lena was not physically wounded on the outside but on the inside she was broken. Mother said I healed her soul. I’m not sure how I did it, so please don’t ask. I didn’t even know that was possible but Mother didn’t seem surprised in the slightest. She died before her and I could discuss it any further. But now you know why I am always covered up. One because I am constantly cold and can’t seem to get warm even in the hottest summers. But primarily because I do not wish to expose myself or my Goddess mark. Everyone already looks at me with such skepticism. I do not wish for more wandering eyes to my chest. Questioning my Goddess mark and the power I might hold.”

She removes her hands from mine, “Why did you never tell me?”

I’m taken back by that question. After everything I just told her she is concerned for herself.

I gawk at her, “I… I don’t know. I had just received it and I didn’t understand it myself. Nor was I fully aware of the power that I hold inside of me and I still don’t. Then Mother died and your Goddess mark began to fade. And I started teaching you and you were struggling. I didn’t want to throw all of that in your face. Plus you were only two and ten. We also were not that close then.”

“But what about after that? Huh? What about after we had coped with Mother’s death? After you had further developed and understood your magic, I was doing the same. In four years, you are telling me you never once thought you could or should tell me about your Goddess mark?” Her voice is rising. Tears are swelling in her eyes. I can’t tell if she is hurt or angry.

I try to keep my voice calm. Thinking on what she has just asked me.

Could I have told her? I know we have grown closer but she has always felt more comfortable with me than I with her. I’ve never felt close to anyone other than my Mother and Cookie. And even then I kept so much of myself concealed. Never truly feeling like I belong anywhere. Never truly feeling like myself or at home enough to let down my guard. But she didn’t need to know. Telling her was my choice all along. I am only telling her now because I have to. She has no right, no claim to my Goddess mark or the power that I hold inside of me.

Maintaining my usual cool demeanor. “Saphrina, you have to understand I am and always have been far more isolated than you. The only person I’ve ever shared my magic with is, or was, our Mother. I cannot expose myself the way you do. The Kingdom would not embrace me as they do you. You are their precious princess. Your Father’s pride and joy. I have no such meaning. I have always kept to myself for reasons you will never understand. To safeguard myself and well being. Please hear what I say now. I did not keep this from you to hurt you. Or because I do not trust you. I kept this from you because I do not know a world where I can be exposed and open. I am not naive or innocent enough to think I will be accepted and loved without conditions. To be truly and wholeheartedly myself is not a life I have known nor is it a life I will allow myself to fantasize about.”

Saphrina softens. Her face is calm once more and her body relaxed. “I understand what you are saying. You have been cast a life not many would envision for themselves. I know who my Father is. I am not blind to his expectations and values. Nor am I unknowing to his cold acceptance and weariness toward you. I just wish you would have told me. You’ve allowed me to grow and accepted me through all of the changes in the past four years. Well, with Mother dying, my magic, and Father becoming more distant with me. You made me feel safe to expose and reveal myself to you. I wish I had known and could have done the same for you. ”

I smile at her. We embrace each other in a hug. Then I say in her ear, “It was not for you to concern yourself with. You have much on your shoulders as the princess of the Middle Kingdom and the alliance now underway.” We pull away from each other. My hands resting on her shoulders. “You know now and that’s what matters. Do you understand why the modiste must be handled discreetly?”

She nods, “Yes, of course. We shall only pick out gowns with high neck fashions and I will assist you with all the changes necessary in private.”

“Thank you.”

* * *

The modiste was actually quite pleasant. Not usually involved in those sort of high society affairs it was amusing to see Saphrina in her natural element.

She was confident and knew exactly what to say and do. She commanded the room in a way I had never seen from her before. Granted, I’ve never gone to the modiste with her and there has never been a time when I am with her during something she is comfortable and familiar with. It was nice.

I ended up with six new formal gowns and eight new everyday gowns. After the wedding festivities I am not sure when or where I will have use for them but they will be nice for the weeks to come.

All had silver embellishment. Deciding very soon after the first gown I tried on that gold was not for me. The formal gowns all had a metallic gemstone essence to them. Choosing reds, purples, black, and blues for those. All ranging in different shades. The everyday gowns are far more subtle. More matted fabric rather than glamour. Each one flattering a high neck or a shallow ‘V’ that compliments but does not expose my Goddess mark. I ensured all had long sleeves as well. Mainly for my constant state of coldness but also to hide the scars that riddle my skin. Saphrina gave me a scrutinizing look when she first saw them. But I returned it with a warning look of my own. No one knows of my late night killings in the Shadowlands and I do not intend to expose my own self inflicted scars now either.

By the time we have returned to the castle, King Elio is already waiting for us.

“Did you enjoy yourselves?” he asks.

“Yes, we did. Thank you, Father. Dinalia is going to look lovely.”

I smile at her and then to him. “Yes, thank you, Your Grace, for your generosity.”

He nods, in agreement, “Of course, it was my pleasure. What are a few gowns for my ward when my only daughter is getting married.”

Escorting us back into the castle. He talks while we walk. “Saphrina, you are scheduled for a ride with Prince Proteus. Guards will be in attendance but from a safe distance. Enough to keep an eye on you two but far enough away that you may speak openly and get to know one another.”

We are walking in a triangle. King Elio leading the way. I glance over to her. She’s looking straight ahead. Trying to mask her face.

“Yes, of course Father.”

“You will ride wherever you wish. Enjoying a picnic when you’ve reached your destination. There will also be another formal gathering this evening. Not so much a ball but there will be dancing for those who wish for it. Dinner shall be served of course. Dinalia you are also expected to attend. This will be a wonderful opportunity for you to wear one of your new dresses while meeting some more nobles for a possible marriage.”

Saphrina and I look over to each other. Optimism in her eyes. Worry in mine. I am still not sure I want to marry a nobleman. What sort of life would that be for me?

We’ve followed King Elio all the way to the stables. Where Prince Proteus is already waiting. Saphrina gives me a hug and then bows to King Elio. Leaving us as she makes her way over to Prince Proteus. I watch their exchange. Very formal. Very polite. Neither is overly excited. Both just doing what is expected of them for their realms.

Prince Proteus and I lock eyes just for a moment. There is something in them I did not see before. Something I can’t put my finger on. Something that contradicts the soft spoken, quiet young man that came to us yesterday. But his eyes. His eyes have changed color. I recall his eyes from the first time we met. They were a soft blueish gray and then yesterday they held more of a deep glacier blue to them. Not uncommon for eye color to adjust as we grow but not in a day. Now, his eyes are deeper in shade. A cerulean blue that did not use to be there.

King Elio then turns to me. Stepping a little closer than I am used to. “You may go about your daily routine, Lady Dinalia. I shall see you this evening for dinner.” Then he turns and walks away.

I watch him leave. Confused by his formality and dignity towards me.

Brushing it from my thoughts I head for the forest. It hasn’t even been a day since I was last there and it already feels like forever. Missing my place of refuge outside of the castle. I’ll probably wander around for a few hours then relax by the stream. Maybe I’ll get lucky and Lena will be close by.

Either way, it will be nice to be out of the castle. I need time to think. Figure out what my true feelings are towards Prince Aeron and process the fact that Saphrina believes him to be her mate.

How do I confront what is growing inside of me for him when I’ve barely had more than a few conversations with him. Whatever is between us shouldn’t be and I must put an end to it. For my sake and Saphrina’s.

I’m at the cliff’s edge. Dangling my feet over the ledge. Rubbing my tongue against the wound that Aeron gave me earlier today.

Over all the wounds I’ve received from others this is the only one I am pining over.

Then I feel it.

The warmth settling over my body.

How does he do that?

But more importantly, why is he here?