Shadows in the Dark (Dark Lotus #1)

20. Brynn

I’d been right at thinking that my sister could answer my questions about BDSM: what it was exactly, as well as what it all entailed. She may not be here in person to talk with me, but so far, her journals were very informative and eye-opening.

How was it that someone I thought I knew so well was basically leading a secret life? It stung a bit that she hadn’t told me any of this, not even that she’d been in the lifestyle since college. I could certainly understand why she kept this stack of journals hidden. If our mother had run across them… well, it would not have been pretty. Catherine Carter Davis Leonard was not known for her parental skills, but she was known for this need to compete with her own daughters.

I had figured out long ago that our mother was a narcissist. A textbook covert narcissist at that. I refused to be a supplier of adoration for her and Blair had done the same. Since we were no longer of use to her, Catherine basically dismissed us. That had been fine by me because Blair and I had each other. In that moment, the realization that I was very much alone hit hard.

I’d never considered what to do with myself if Blair wasn’t around because she was always supposed to be around. How the fuck was I going to cope with all of this long term? Was BDSM how Blair had coped with our mother’s glaring shortcomings?

That question shifted my attention back to the first journal in the stack that I was still reading. I was definitely taking my time with these entries. I had gotten through the chapters about her first suspicions that she was submissive. It gave me a sense of comfort that she had done a lot of research into the lifestyle just as I had been doing. My eyebrows rose to my hairline when I read that the first person to help her explore her submissive nature had been one of her college professors. I remembered she used to get this look on her face whenever she talked about Professor Banfield, but I just figured it was a regular crush. Apparently, the good professor had a way with knives that had made my sister get weak in the knees.

Reading a little further, I saw that she called herself a pain slut. I’d seen that term used in my research and in this context, it wasn’t derogatory. There were some women who liked pain with their pleasure, and the sadistic Doms could and would use any variety of items to satisfy both partners.

Briefly, I thought about some of the things EREBUS69 had done to me when we were together. I had a feeling he was holding back with me and my eyes opened wide when I considered that perhaps he was the kind of sadist that Blair preferred. I couldn’t wrap my head around that, at least, not right now.

This diary was focused on the early days of Blair’s self-discovery journey and I was learning a lot about the deeper, hidden parts of my sister. I still hoped to learn why she’d never said a word to me about any of it. Multiple entries later, I got my answer.

Dear Diary - I’m learning so much about myself. Never have I felt as free as when I am on the receiving end of Sir’s whip. Professor Banfield introduced me to a St. Catherine’s wheel, and while the irony of the name is not lost on me, I feel like I’m giving my mother a big middle finger in the air when I’m on it. Sir cuffed me in place and oh my god, I nearly came on the spot. I didn’t though because I would never disappoint Him…

She’d been cuffed to the wooden cross with her chest to the wood, leaving her back exposed. I read in much detail about being whipped, what it felt like, and how much pleasure Blair felt at being able to just let go.

Those who didn’t understand the BDSM dynamic would consider it all abuse. I know our mother certainly would have. The reality of it, though, was that in the right Dom/sub relationship, there was true intimacy… and the kind of intimacy that went far beyond the physical.

While I read about the importance of trust and that the submissive truly had control of the scene with her Dom, I recalled EREBUS69’s insistence that a safe word was in place and that I knew when to use it, as well as what would happen if I did. This was all so fascinating to me.

My back was beginning to ache from sitting so long and when I checked to see how long I had been reading, I swore under my breath. I was past time for a walk with Lug Nut. That sweet boy had been so patient, he’d not even come over to me to ask if we could go. A longer than normal walk would do both of us some good.

Once back at home, I went right back to reading, feeling Blair’s heart break when she learned that her Sir was transferring schools.

He has taught me so much about myself. Who I am, who I’m not, and most importantly, who I can be. His patience and persistence helped me find myself and I will forever be grateful. I wanted so much to tell Sir what I feel for him, but honestly, I don’t know if my feelings are genuine love, or if they are a tangle of affection, gratitude, and fantasy. He has been kind and generous enough to introduce me to several other Doms that I might like to work with in the future. I know he considered each one carefully to determine who might be the best fit for me. I will miss Sir intensely, but know that I am in good hands with whomever I decide to work with.

From what I was understanding, Dominants protected their submissives, a point that had just been illustrated by that specific entry. Her professor knew he would no longer be around, so he vetted others to look out for her.

What did it feel like to have someone so concerned about your well-being?

My brain was tired, and tomorrow was an in-the-office workday, so I needed to go to bed as soon as possible. I had one more walk to take with the dog and then I was in for the night. I really hoped things would not be weird with Randall. It was awkward that he continued to ask me out, even after I refused each time. I would never date him. Not only because he was my boss, but also because I just was not remotely attracted to him. Short of being rude, I didn’t know how else to indicate that I was not and would never be interested in seeing him outside of work.

Later that night while brushing my teeth, I saw my phone screen flash indicating I had a message on Olympus. I had specifically set up notifications for any channel where I was tagged, or any direct messages I received. My stomach did a somersault when I saw the notification was a direct message from EREBUS69.

I had installed the mobile app on my phone so I could check channels there and was able to pull up the message he had just sent me.

EREBUS69: I’m sorry I was unable to reach you tonight. I hope to meet up with you later in the week at Lotus. I’ll touch base soon, but just know that you will receive a delivery tomorrow at the office. Inside, you’ll find the clothing I want you to wear when we do meet again. Good night, Karma.

How did he…? Never mind. It wasn’t worth me speculating as to how he found out where I worked. I had to supply enough information during the registration process, and I honestly couldn’t even remember whether workplace location had been one of those things or not. In her diary, Blair had stated that Doms could find out anything they wanted to know, no matter how personal. It stood to reason that EREBUS69 found out my work schedule and knew I would be in the office tomorrow.

A smile crept over my face at the realization that the delivery would happen where Randall would see it. That was perfect. Maybe he would finally jump to a conclusion that I was involved with someone and he would leave me the hell alone.

As promised, a box arrived at the office and Randall was all over me wanting to know who sent it and what it was. I gave him no information and continued to ask him why it mattered until he finally dropped it. I could tell he was most displeased, though, which was exactly what I had wanted.

I brought the box home and tortured myself by not opening it until after dinner and the evening walk had occurred. When I could stand it no more, I tore open the package and gasped aloud at what was inside.

Nestled among black tissue paper were three items that again, barely qualified as lingerie. Colored a bubble gum pink, the thong was see-through with flowered lace on each hip. What was supposed to be a bra was little more than straps and strategically placed flowers that matched the panties. The third item was… a collar. Oh, shit.

Blair had been given a collar by her Sir and she’d stated how important it had been to her. What did this mean? It had to be nothing more than just a piece of a set. I placed it around my neck and glanced in the mirror over my dresser. I looked rather hot in it if I did say so myself.

Just like last time, there were instructions at the bottom of the box that had to be followed to the letter. While the rest of the steps were the same, this time, I needed to wear a navy blue coat and nude-colored heels. Good thing I had both.

By the end of the week, I was more than ready to go. I wanted to see him again and I definitely wanted to feel him against me. When the driver arrived, I noticed it was the same man as last time and when he got out to open the car door for me, I smiled, then handed him my purse and greeted him by name.