Shadows in the Dark (Dark Lotus #1)

25. Adrian

What was supposed to be my cocoon was often my prison as it was tonight. My bedroom had been outfitted with every luxury I could ever desire, as well as various safeguards, but none of those things ever seemed to matter. I’d spent thousands of dollars to make a safe harbor for myself, but this was no more of one than the waterways that surrounded the city outside of my window.

I scrubbed a hand down my face as I stared out the large, floor-to-ceiling wall of glass. The Golden Gate Bridge could be seen from this vantage point, and while it was often a beacon to sailors and others out at sea, it was none of that to me. I didn’t view it, or any other landmark, as a symbol of home even though I had been in San Francisco for a decade. Nothing in America invoked those feelings of home, not like Greece, but even it still lacked something. It always had.

I know what it is.

That fact wasn’t something new, but rather something I consciously chose to not dwell on. It was all just hypotheticals anyway. The toxicity of my raging thoughts would never bring me comfort there either. I had learned to accept them as my reality. The twisted inklings in my mind would come and go, leaving behind nothing but more pain which I had hoped to have become numb to by now.

Everyone else might have forgotten, but not me. Never me.

Years earlier, my parents had gone on as if nothing had happened after Aria’s death. I knew why they did what they did, but I was too weak to put it all behind me. Then, and especially now. Call it regret, or even the need for some sort of accountability, but going unpunished for my evilness where she had been concerned weighed down on me like a metal anchor.

And, maybe it is one.

I might not be confined to a physical prison, but the mental bars trapped me so much more than those iron ones ever could. To the casual person looking in, I lived a very nice life. I owned and ran my own company, had every luxury I could ever desire, and I even had Lotus where I could unleash my darkness on another without judgement or consequence.

What they wouldn’t see was the way these wicked thoughts ate me up inside like a cancer, spreading through my blood and inflicting itself bone deep. They also wouldn’t see the many nights spent much like this one where I had tossed and turned in bed, waking up numerous times as guilt consumed me. Finally, they wouldn’t only have recriminations of the past to endure, but the promise of future ones.

“I’m a monster.”

There. I said it out loud. That acceptance was like a noose tightening around my neck, but not enough of one to put me out of this godforsaken misery. This hell on Earth was of my own making, and it would be my downfall one of these days. Or maybe it already was, and my actions just hadn’t caught up to me yet.

My sister wasn’t the only one who haunted me. She would never be the only one. My evilness knew no bounds, and that was past, present, and future. I was fucked up in so many ways, but as I was told after Aria, it was a burden I would have to carry to my grave. A burden I would have to shoulder alone. No one could know the truth or else life as I knew it was over. And it wasn’t just mine. Others had sacrificed for me, and any weakness would drag them under with me. There was more than simply myself to worry about, and that in itself was another boulder crushing me at times.

These constant thoughts were unproductive. I had an early morning call with investors in Australia, so I rose up enough to pound the pillow beside me, then I placed it between my back and the others behind it. The glittering lights of the city reflected off the dark walls inside the room, so I reached over to the nightstand and used the remote there to close my curtains completely, cutting off the view that others paid millions of dollars for. I could hardly afford any further distractions if I ever hoped to get back to sleep.

The room was now as dark as my mind once more, but I still turned away from the window and rolled over onto my other side so I was now facing the wall. The black was left empty on purpose, this room the epitome of bare minimum when it came to décor. The rest of my penthouse had been designed to inspire conversation, although I had never invited another to this place outside of the staff I employed for specific jobs.

I had no friends. I didn’t want any which only compounded the loneliness I often found myself consumed with. The emptiness of my life usually enveloped me, but I focused on work and other mundane tasks to keep my head clear. On nights like this when I wished to have companionship of some sort, there was none to be found. It was all for the best. I was not very good company unless I was at Lotus in my private room. There, I was in complete control with my captive prey.

My thoughts moved beyond the last few times I had gone there when I had scened with Karma. It was surprising enough that I had sought her out as often, and as consecutively, as I had because I had not grown this attached to one since...

A slight growl escaped. I had not been attached to Blair Carter, but she had been to me. Maybe I had given off some errant signals, or perhaps her demons played all too well with mine, but her fascination had become an obsession I only knew one way to end.

“I never want to lay eyes on you again,” I’d told her that last night at the club.

“Please. You can’t mean that,” she had pleaded, the desperation to appease me evident in her tone. She defied me openly, but then would always grovel so beautifully when I would have to bring her to heel.

“Leave,” I had ordered, unwilling to budge even the slightest.

My eyes closed and just like that, her face was now gone from my sight. Her words had lingered a few seconds longer, but eventually, they also disappeared and I fell back into a semi-conscious slumber. I was no longer at Lotus, but back in Greece. Aria was there. I could see her in front of a mirror with one of her dainty hands splayed across her bared belly.

“Why are you still up?”

I could remember that night as if it was only yesterday. I had been eager to leave the house to meet up with a woman. Hanging out with my twin was a major cramp in my hustle. Ever the thorn in my side though, she often defied our parents, and me by association.

“I’m going out,” she’d said as she dropped her hand and turned toward me. “I have plans.”

“You can’t go out tonight,” I’d stated matter-of-factly.

“And why the hell not? It doesn’t look like you intend to stay in.”

“I’m not, but we’re talking about you, and not me.”

“Don’t try to act all parental. I’m your sister, and nothing more. We’re the same age, and–“

“I’m older,” I’d pointed out.

Aria stood up, then placed her hands on her hips. “By seven whole minutes. Get over yourself. I’ll be back later.”

She’d tried sauntering past me, but I’d grabbed her arm. “When are you ever going to listen?”

“When you stop sneaking out every night to go to that kink club.” I’d been shocked that she knew where I often went, especially since I had thought I had covered my tracks well. My dirty secret only contributed to motive, although I supposed there was something to be said about twin intuition. “You don’t tell Papa that I’m hanging out at the docks with my boyfriend, and I won’t tell Mama that you’re having sex with women her age, some of which you’ve fucked in this very house.”

I’d been too stunned to do anything more which allowed Aria to jerk her arm from my grasp. I still stood there dumbfounded as she paraded down the hallway to the front door. I should’ve gone after her, but I didn’t. At least not at that moment. My sister was head-strong much like me, and remembering my earlier plans, I’d left for the club.

I couldn’t focus that night, and when I couldn’t stop thinking about Aria hanging out on the docks where any number of criminals often gravitated, I’d cut my night short. The club door then closed behind me with a resounding thud, and it was the last thing I could clearly remember from that night.

How I had gone from that, to what I had woken up to, I did not know.

Even in my subconscious dream-like state, nothing was any clearer. The next sound I’d heard was the water as it splashed against the concrete pier behind me. I stayed in that moment, even when the bottoms of my feet turned wet. The cold liquid grew heavier as it rose like floodwater up my legs. It passed my hips, then my chest until it was just below my chin. Still, I didn’t awaken, and it didn’t stop rising. Moving higher, it was only when the salty liquid got into my mouth and nose, and the heaviness in my chest as I tried to breathe got worse did I open my eyes.

I expected to find myself safe in my bed, but I wasn’t. I was literally in water, and instinct kicked in. I clawed and fought for survival, even though I craved death. An afterlife in Hell wasn’t enough to stop me from flailing my arms and legs until I was able to move forward. It was pitch black outside, and although there was no light other than a few stars in the sky, it still took me a minute to acclimate to my new environment.

Upon realizing I was on the rooftop pool of the building I lived in, I swam the remaining distance to the ladder, then hefted myself out. I was no longer in just a pair of boxer shorts like I had gone to bed in, but a pair of sweats. Upon heaving myself out of the water, I quickly reentered the building and went straight back home. Once inside, I shed the wet clothes, and decided that sleep was an overrated concept.

Although I was back in the safety of my place, the feel of rushing water pulling me under was still with me. Sounds of boats and other things in the background rang in my ears. They were not the same ones I had spent over a decade trying to forget though, but rather something more recent.

Those other sounds were not Athens, but San Francisco. Again, these memories or glimpses of the past needed to disappear. There was only one way to do it. I put on another pair of sweats after drying off, and I ignored the entire body shiver that wracked my frame. I then turned on my computer and started to work.