Shadow’s Sinner

Chapter One

C hristian music filters through the door as I fiddle with the key. I can hear Mom singing, and I know I have about forty seconds until I’m late. Fear starts sinking into my heart, causing my hands to sweat.

“No, no, no,” I mumble as my single key slips through my fingers. My eyes scan the broken concrete doorstep, searching for the small thing. It’s not like I have multiple keys. It’s just the one. One single key to the house, and now I’m struggling to find it.

Thirty seconds.

Twenty seconds.

My heart races, and the lump in my throat swells up until I can’t breathe. I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and remind myself just to calm down. As if that ever worked.

I open my eyes, and the sun shines down, reflecting the key. Yes! I nearly jump in joy but don’t have time for that. I bend down, pick the key up, and shove it into the doorknob. I ease myself inside, shutting the door behind me as my eyes scan the small living room. Dad’s empty recliner tells me he’s in his office. It’s a toss-up if he’s in a good mood or one of his bad ones. I can hear Mom in the kitchen singing along as pots and pans echo through the small space.

“Where were you?”

I jump at the voice, swinging around. My little sister stands there in the darken hallway, eyeing me.

“The library,” I whisper. My hands sweat as I smooth down my pale blue dress. Lilianna and I couldn’t be more different. While I have long wavy red hair, more freckles than clear skin, and green eyes, she’s more like our mom—jet-black hair and brown eyes. She’s ten months younger than me, and while I had hoped we would grow up together as best friends since she wasn’t much younger than me, it never happened. She hates me.

“Liar,” she smirks. Lilianna’s eyes drop down to my white sneakers before traveling up to my eyes. “If you were at the library, where’s your bookbag?”

My eyes widened; how could I forget? I tremble, searching for something to say, but I can’t think straight. I can’t believe I forgot. I’ve been careful, I’ve been good, and now it will all be washed down the drain because I forgot my bookbag. She can’t find out. Lilianna would definitely tell our parents and sit along the sidelines while Mom screamed at me and Dad beat me.

“Girls?” Mom calls out for us.

“You’re in for it now.” Lilianna chuckles. I watch my sister turn on her heel, walking away as if she knew my secret. She couldn’t know.

Lilianna is your typical sister. She’s evil, and I hate using that word. I’m a good girl and shouldn’t think badly about people. But I can’t help it, not when she does things on purpose to get me in trouble. Two weeks ago, she went into Dad’s office, snooping for who knows what. I tried to get her to stop, but no one could stop Lilianna from doing what she wanted to do. She blamed me, and I was the one who got lectured about right from wrong. I was the one who had to pray to God to forgive me, even though that wasn’t what I needed to be forgiven for. All while Dad hit me six times with his belt. Mom was at the store, not that she would help.

Taking a deep breath, my hands trembling as I smooth my dress down again, I make my way into the kitchen, following Mom’s call. The pale-yellow wallpaper peels from the ceiling, there are small cracks in the tile floor, and the aroma of Mom’s cooking hits my nose. Liver. Bile rises in my throat as I gag silently. No matter how many times I tell them I dislike liver, beg them just to let me starve for the night, and I’m forced to eat the biggest piece.

I learned my lesson the first night just to shut up and eat what’s on my plate.

“Lakely, set the table,” Mom orders as I enter the kitchen. I glance over at Lilianna, who pulls down four glasses.

I open the cabinet, pulling down our plates, silverware, and napkins to set the table.

“So, Mom, I want to talk to you and Dad about something.” Lilianna’s high-pitched voice echoes through the kitchen.

“Oh, what’s that, dear?” Mom asks. “Lakelyn, come on, dinner’s done!” She claps her hands, causing me to flinch. Kicking myself in the butt, I hurry to set the table as they like.

“There’s this new movie coming to theaters, and the girls are talking about going.”

I roll my eyes, turning the plate forty-five degrees so the hummingbird faces the clock on the wall. There’s a long list of things our parents don’t allow in this household—no boys, no alcohol, no drugs, and no movies. While going to the movies on that list is odd, I don’t question them. So if Lilianna thinks they’ll let her go out with friends to the movies, that won’t happen.

“I’m sure your father and I can discuss it.”

I swing my head around; my jaw hits the floor. Aliens have taken over her body. That’s the only explanation. Mom would have shot her down before Lilianna could even finish that question. They’re strict, and while it’s worse for me, most of the same rules apply to her.

“Lakelyn, close your mouth before you let the Devil inside,” Mom hisses.

I snap my mouth closed, my hands clamping to fists against my side. Breathe, one, two, three, breathe.

“Lilianna, go get your father,” Mom says, smiling over at her favorite daughter. Lilianna leaves the glasses on the counter, smirking at me as she crosses the kitchen.

“Don’t just stand there!” Mom's voice cracks in annoyance.

I grab the cups, not saying anything. It wouldn't matter if I did anyway. I place them on the table and grab the Brita for Lilianna and me while Dad enjoys his whiskey and Mom enjoys her red wine.

I hold my breath, take the liver dish from Mom, and place it in the middle of the table. I stand to the side, waiting for Dad and Lilianna to return. Thankfully, it doesn’t take long before Dad enters the kitchen.

“Hmmm, smells good,” he says a little too cheerfully. I bite my inner cheek, forcing the bile back down. “Let’s eat.”

We each sit down one by one. Dad gets the first helpings, Mom, Lilianna, and I last. They left the biggest piece of liver for me, as they do once a week when Mom makes it. My hand tightens around the serving spoon, despising the second I place it on my plate.

“Lakelyn, how about you say prayers tonight?” Dad announces.

I bow my head and fold my hands together. “Our beloved king, thank you for this food we are about to eat. We ask that you bestow this food with your protection and continue guiding our family along your path. In the name of your disciple, Master Simon, amen.” I repeat the same prayer I say most nights.

“Amen,” the rest of them mutter around the table.

“How was school today, girls?” Dad asks, cutting into his food. I keep my eyes down on my plate, the liver mocking me.

“It was wonderful. I got my essay back. Guess what? I can’t even hold it in, and I got an A plus!” Lilianna chuckles before I hear the scrape of her teeth against the fork. My eye twitches, my fingers tightening around my own.

“That’s amazing news. I knew you could do it,” Mom praises her. If only they knew what her daughter was really up to, they wouldn’t be that proud of her.

“And what about you, Lakelyn? Your mother told me you had a study group with some girls at the library.” I can feel his eyes fall on me, boring into my skull and mind. He’s picking the lie out of me. Sweat beads at my forehead, and my throat feels tight, closing around my windpipe.

“It was good,” I mutter. As much as I don’t want this liver, I force a forkful into my mouth so I don’t have to say anything else.

“What did you have to study?”

I hardly chew my food, swallowing the bitter liver. The taste is almost like a dirty penny as it explodes on my tongue and slides down my throat. I reach across the table for my water, trying to drown out the taste. My mouth is drier than the desert, and I can feel the food stuck in my throat.

“It was math, was it not?” Lilianna asks. My eyes dart to her, brows drawn together. What is she trying to do?

“Uh, yeah,” my voice is muffled and uncertain. I set down my glass, unable to see any of their eyes.

“Really? I thought your mother said it was English.”

My eyes snap up to Mom before I blink over at Lilianna. Her lip tips up in a smirk before she takes another bite of her food. Smacking her lips as she chews her food.

“You’re right, I forgot.” I pull my bottom lip between my teeth. Stop freaking out.

Dad grunts but doesn’t comment on me “forgetting.” He doesn’t believe someone can forget anything so simple. Thankfully, the rest of dinner goes over smoothly, even as I dry heave half a dozen times, getting my dinner down. Lilianna keeps the conversation focused on her as usual, and this might be the first time I’m completely okay with it.

By my last bite, I feel nauseous, and my fingers tingle with the need to reach down my throat. I force myself to save the last bit of water until my plate is empty before draining the rest.

“Thank you for dinner, Mom,” Lilianna says, leaning over and kissing Mom’s cheek.

“Thank you for dinner,” I say mindlessly.

“You both can be excused now,” Dad says.

Lilianna and I stand from the table. She makes her way to her room as I rush towards the bathroom down the hall. Flinging the door open, quietly shutting it behind me, hoping not to alert anyone, I throw myself down on my knees in front of the toilet. The powder-blue tiles of the bathroom dig into my knees and shins, causing indents to appear. Throwing the toilet lid up, I hunch my torso over the bowl and plunge my finger down my throat. It hits the back of my throat, bouncing off the uvula, making me heave with nothing coming up. I do it again, reaching farther down, barely making it back up before vomit spews into the toilet bowl. The taste of liver and acid coating my tongue made me more nauseous than I was before. I vomit again, coating the bowl with a nasty brown color, bits of partially chewed liver floating to the top.

Once I’ve emptied my entire stomach and the only thing making it back up is stomach acid, I reach up and flush the contents down the toilet. It takes me a few times before the toilet is sparkling clean again. Shakingly, I make my way to my feet, heading to the sink to grab my toothbrush and toothpaste. I squeeze the minty paste onto my brush and thrust it into my mouth, aggressively brushing to get the taste of liver and vomit out. I take the extra steps to use mouthwash and a water flosser, ensuring no trace of the vileness is left.

Taking a deep breath to pull myself together, I open the bathroom door to make my way back to the kitchen. I pick up the dishes from the table and take them to the sink. I grab the sponge and dish soap and begin my chores for the evening.

It’s late in the evening when I finish my chores. I’m exhausted and ready to climb into my twin-size bed. I shut the light off in the kitchen and turned just to almost run into Lilianna.

“I heard you,” she says, leaning against the wall.

“I’m not sure what you mean.” I go to move around her, only for Lilianna to step in my way.

“You know exactly what I mean,” she hisses, crossing her arms over her chest.

“I’ll say it again. I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I lie. I tried to be as quiet as possible, but there’s no way to be completely silent while throwing your guts up.

“You think you’re such a good girl, but you’re not fooling anyone,” Lilianna sneers, smirking at me.

I bite my inner cheek, refusing to let her enter my head. Lilianna enjoys playing games. She’s wicked and downright mean.

“Please move. I want to go to bed,” I mutter through clenched teeth.

“They’re going to find out sooner or later,” Lilianna continues to egg me on. “Just remember that.”

Lilianna’s eyes scan over my body, causing me to shift on my feet. I don’t like her eyes on me, and I don’t like her thinking she knows better than me.

She slowly moves out of the way, allowing me to leave the kitchen. My hands stay fisted at my side, and I have the urge to make myself throw up again as my brain tricks me into believing that the liver is stuck in my throat.

“Oh, by the way, Dad and Mom want to see you in his office.” She laughs, turning around to the kitchen.

I close my eyes, my nails digging into my palms. It’s okay, just breathe. But that doesn’t do anything to calm the nerves sinking into my skin. I blink my eyes open, glancing over at the door. Run. It’s not the first time I thought about running away. Where would I go? I have no friends, I have no other family, there’s no one. I’m alone in this world. Sure there’s Travis, but he’s too new.

I suck in a breath, my feet carrying me towards Dad’s office. His door is closed, and I can hear hushed voices inside. My hands shake as I lift and rap my knuckles on the wood. Their voices immediately stop before I hear Dad say, “Come in.”

I twist the doorknob and push it open. Dad sits at his desk while Mom stands off to the side.

“Sit down, Child,” Dad says, motioning to the chair across from the desk.

I bite my bottom lips, pulling the door closed behind me before I sit stiffly in the chair.

“Your mother and I have been discussing it, and we would like to do something special for your birthday,” Dad announces.

My eyes widened, confused and startled that this was what he wanted to talk about. I for sure thought he would comment about me forgetting what class I was supposed to be studying for.

“You’re turning eighteen. It’s a big milestone,” he says, leaning back in his chair.

I nod my head, unsure of what to say.

“The church is picking six girls to go on a camping trip this weekend, and we think you should go for your birthday.” Dad doesn’t bat an eye as he talks. I glance between Mom and Dad, not believing a single word he’s saying. What he’s saying can’t be true, can it? Our whole lives have been spent between school and the church. There’s no way this isn’t a joke.

“Honey, say something,” Mom says with irritation radiating through her voice.

“I-I, that sounds wonderful.” My voice shakes.

“It is wonderful. You’ll leave tomorrow after school.” Dad smiles at me.

“Why me?” I blurt out. I know they hate being questioned, but it doesn’t make sense why they’re suddenly letting the noose break away.

“You will not question your father!” Mom hisses, her eyes narrowing down at me.

“Yes, ma’am,” I mutter, swallowing the lump in my throat.

“It’s okay, dear.” Dad doesn’t bother looking up at his wife. “The church has agreed you’re the perfect fit for this… adventure.”

My spine stiffens as my body breaks out in goosebumps. The way he says adventure makes it sound like anything but fun, but I don’t question him again. Mom glares at me, daring me to do anything but agree.

“I look forward to it.” The words leave my mouth even though I’m not sure I should be looking forward to it.

“Then it’s settled. Tomorrow after school, you and the other five girls will head out on this camping trip,” Dad says, getting up from his chair. “It’s time for bed now.”

“Yes, sir,” I say mindlessly.

I stand from the chair and leave his office, closing the door behind me.

Lilianna stands in her bedroom doorway, watching me, her brow raised.

It appears she has no idea what they wanted to talk to me about, either.

I can't help but find that odd as well.

Lilianna and Mom are like two peas in a pod.

I longed for that feeling, to know what it was like to have a caring parent.

But I was always the outcast.

Mom looked for reasons to yell at me and punish me.

Dad didn’t pay attention to me until I did something he didn’t approve of, and I would be beaten for it.

I reach my room and close the door before I let out my first full breath since getting home earlier.

My tiny room might not be much, just a twin bed in the corner with bright yellow bedding.

A desk across from my bed has a small container of pens.

The dresser sits behind the door with my alarm clock on top.

But it’s my safe space, the only place I can breathe freely.

I don’t bother with the light.

Stripping out of my dress, I pull out my pajamas and get dressed.

Slipping under the covers, I lay on my side, the window allowing just enough moonlight in.

It doesn’t take long before my eyelids grow heavy, pulling me into a restless sleep.