Shattered Dreams (Dream #1)

Chapter Nineteen

Charlie

I storm into my house, slamming the door as hard as I did Autumn’s, wondering if any of the windows will shatter. Not caring if they do. As I walk over to the cabinet on top of the fridge, I grab the bottle of whiskey, not even waiting until I’m sitting on the couch before I take a pull from it. Putting one hand on the counter, with the other one holding the bottle in my hand before I take another pull, I try to block out her voice, try to block it all out, but the words come to me louder and louder each time.

He took my head in his hand, fisted my hair in his hand, and then proceeded to knock it against the wall so hard that I felt the burn as the skin tore open. I knew I would need to go to the doctor. I also knew I would have to come up with another story about it.

Another story, the words feel like I’m being kicked in the stomach, sucking all the air out of my lungs. I take three gulps down, hoping it dulls the way my body feels, but instead, her face flashes through my mind. The way her whole body shook while she said, But, just so you know, I died that night also. I’m breathing, but inside I’m dead. There is nothing left for you to destroy.

I take the bottle of whiskey, pulling more gulps. My eyes look at the bottle in my hand, right before I pull back my arm and pitch it across the room. The light on over the stove is dim, so I can see the golden liquid drip down the wall, just like the tears that poured down her face. My head hangs down, I took your verbal punches over and over again, just like I did with Waylon. Unlike with him, I guess I deserve yours.

I put my head back, but it feels so heavy I have no choice but to let it fall in front of me, before I turn and make my way to my bedroom. As I collapse on the bed, my hand goes to my chest as I turn my head to the side, the guilt hitting me like a freight train head-on, crushing me and taking me under.

All the times I saw them fighting, and we would always make jokes about it. The way he would reach out to grab her and yank her to him. The times he would hiss at her, and she would avoid looking at everyone. The times they would walk in and you would know they were fighting, since they would sit apart, and he would say she was having a hissy fit. All of it flashes in my mind, making it harder and harder to breathe. I turn to the side, seeing her face in my mind, her face and no one else. Nothing comes in but her face as I remember the last time I saw her before I found out she left town.

I was drunk, so fucking drunk, it was a wonder I wasn’t falling all over the place. The day in court, listening to her on the stand tell everyone how she knew he was drunk that night. The floor I was standing on felt like it opened up, and I fell into the dark hole. I avoided even looking at her until it was the anniversary of their death. Two years since Jennifer was taken from me.

I walked to her house, held on to trees to help me not fall on my face. Walking up to her door and balling my hand into a fist, I pounded over and over again. She opened the door, the light from the hallway on, and I could see her face. Her eyes swollen from crying, the tip of her nose red. I wanted her to hurt even more than she did.

“How could you do this?”

I asked her. “How could you do this to Jennifer?”

“Charlie.”

Her voice came out in a whisper. “I never wanted this to happen.”

I should have listened to her, but I didn’t. I was so wrapped up in my grief I didn’t care about anyone else’s. “All of this time, you fucking knew.”

“I know,”

she admitted. “I was waiting until the results came back.”

“You fucking knew he was drunk!”

I roared in her face. “You did this.”

My face went closer to hers. “You could have stopped him.”

“I tried,”

she said, “I tried to get him to give me the keys.”

“You didn’t try hard enough.”

My words were like a knife stabbing her again, the wince on her face should have had me step back, but instead, the rage took over. “It should be you in that grave, rotting in hell with him.”

That was the last thing I said to her before I turned and stumbled into the forest. Collapsing on my knees in the middle of the forest, I lay on my side, wishing for the pain to go away.

I get up in time to make it to the bathroom before I throw up, closing my eyes, seeing her there. Not Jennifer. Autumn. Her face white from me yelling at her, every single time I had a chance. Every single time I could spew hatred her way, I did. Sharpening my knife each time, not caring that I was leaving her with the pain she was in. Ignoring all of the signs. Falling back on my ass as I put my back to the wall, I want to go to her.

But I don’t. I sit in the bathroom with my head back, and my eyes closed until I hear the alarm coming from behind me. Pulling it out and turning it off before placing it on the floor beside me, I don’t move from my spot on the floor. Not moving one inch. My body is glued to the floor, feeling like I’ve been run over. No, that isn’t right. I feel like I’m being buried by the guilt that runs through me.

The phone rings from beside me, and I look down and see Emmett calling me, but I don’t pick it up. I just sit with my head back, seeing her face, Autumn. How the first time I met her, I was taken aback by how beautiful she was. How her smile lit up her whole face. How she used to make little jokes with me, and we used to laugh with each other. Waylon hated that, so I stopped doing it. He didn’t mind after I started dating Jennifer, but by then, it had shifted.

The knock on the back door has me turn my head to the side, my phone ringing again. I wish everyone would just leave me alone. I don’t have that because the back door is opened, and he hisses, “What the fuck is that smell?”

He walks in, and I can hear his boots crunch the glass from the bottle. “Charlie,”

he calls, moving through the house, his footsteps coming closer to the bedroom, and then finally, he’s standing outside the door. “What the fuck is going on?”

He’s wearing jeans and a T-shirt with the barn name on it.

“Nothing,”

I say, my voice monotone, but my head screams everything.

“You smashed?”

He puts his hands on his hips as he glares at me.

“No,”

I answer him honestly. “Wish I was,”

I admit to him.

“Get up and get your ass in the shower.”

He doesn’t entertain me. “Get your head out of your ass.”

I laugh. “I wish I knew how,”

I retort as he shakes his head.

“You have five minutes to get up and get in the shower, or I’m calling your grandfather,”

he threatens me. “I’m not cleaning that mess in the kitchen, but I’ll make you coffee.”

I think about his threat, knowing that he will absolutely call him and then he’ll definitely head down here and kick my ass. Then he will probably find out what I’ve been doing and kick my ass even more. I turn on my knees before getting up and pulling my shirt over my head, looking down to see her teeth mark barely there and suddenly wanting it there. I kick off my boots and get in the shower, with the cold water hitting me first. As I close my eyes and picture her in my arms, the pressure in my chest makes me reach up to rub the ache.

Fifteen minutes later, I’m dressed and walking out of my bedroom, seeing that he cleaned up the mess and that my coffee is on the counter. Picking it up, I head outside to start my day. Walking to the barn, I find him sitting on his desk, and he looks up at me as if he hadn’t just seen me fifteen minutes ago. “Morning,”

he greets.

“Morning.”

I take a sip of the coffee. “Thank you for—”

“I’ll add it to the list of things you owe me for.”

I nod at him in agreement. “That list is getting longer and longer.”

I smirk before I take another sip of coffee. “I’m good for it.”

“I don’t know about that. You going to ride her today or not?”

He motions with his head toward Goldilocks, and I just nod.

“Figured,”

he grunts. “Get out of here. I have work to do.”

I finish my cup and put it on his desk before going to Goldilocks and smiling when her tail whips side to side. “Morning, girl,”

I greet, grabbing her reins, and noticing she’s already saddled. “Let’s go for a walk, yeah?”

I walk to the edge of the fenced area before climbing on her and making my way to the trail. “It’s a nice day,”

I tell her as she slowly makes her way. “You like it here, right?”

She trots over a log. “I have a friend I’m going to bring to meet you.”

I smile as the tears sting my eyes. “To be honest, I don’t think she’s my friend. At least she shouldn’t be my friend, but I’m going to make her be my friend again.”

I chuckle. “That is if she doesn’t leave before then.”

The thought of her leaving town makes me grip the reins in my hands tighter. “You’ll like her, she’s pretty, like you. You have the same hair color.”

I pet her neck. “She hates me, but you… she’ll love you, and that’s going to be enough for me. If I can get her to smile at you, I’ll take her hating me.”

The tear escapes the side of my eye. “I’m going to try,”

I vow out loud, “I’m going to try.”

We walk for over four hours, and when we get back, she drinks for a solid five minutes. “Good ride?”

Emmett asks when I get back.

“Yeah,”

I say to him as he stands there looking at me.

“A couple of guys and I are going to have a drink tonight. You want to join us?”

Emmett offers.

I stare at him. “Drinks where?”

“At Brady’s place.”

He mentions her brother as if I won’t know it’s Autumn’s place also.

“Sure,”

I agree, shocking him a bit. “Meet you there.”

I spend the rest of the afternoon in my office, going over the schedule and interviewing another therapist to add to the ever-expanding company. I take another shower, and at eight o’clock, I get up and make my way to town.

I park my truck in the back, next to her car. I get out and walk in, seeing it’s more crowded than it’s been the last few times I’ve been here. Definitely fuller than it was the last time. I look around the room, my eyes going to her behind the bar serving a group of women sitting on the stools. Light music plays in the background, something that has never been done before. I look to the right, seeing most of the tables full as I spot Emmett and a couple of the guys. I walk over passing Brady. “Hey,”

he says, “you want something to drink?”

“Yeah,”

I reply and then look back at the bar, “but I’ll go to the bar and get it myself.”

“Um,”

Brady starts, and I’m sure he’s heard about Autumn and me, “listen—”

“It’ll be fine.”

I slap his arm and make my way to the bar, her eyes coming to mine as soon as she looks up. Shock fills her face but she puts up a shield. “Hey,”

I greet when I stand on the side of the bar.

“Hey,”

she says softly, tucking her hair behind her ear. I see she’s wearing a short white tank top with blue jeans, her sweater wrapped around her waist. “What can I get you?”

she asks me, avoiding looking at me.

“The house blend is good,”

I remark, and she nods as she walks over to the other side, grabbing a glass and filling it before coming back to hand it to me. “I’m going to be sitting over there.”

I motion with my finger to my group of guys. “Do you want me to pay for this now?”

“I can start a tab.”

She outstretches her arms on the bar top. “Emmett has one going also.”

“Sounds good.”

I pick up the glass and head over to the guys, who look surprised to see me here.

I sit down next to Emmett, listening to them talk, but the whole time, I keep looking over at the bar and seeing her smile with the girls. She gives them a different smile than she gave me, but then again, she doesn’t hate those girls like she hates me, and they haven’t made her life hell for the last eight years. The whole night, I’m constantly looking over at her. Every two minutes, I feel my eyes go to her. “You got your head out of your ass?”

Emmett asks from beside me as I look at Autumn. I pick up the drink and bring it to my lips, not answering him because I don’t owe him an answer. The only one I’m going to owe that answer to is Autumn.