Sick Like Me (Sick Like #1)

Chapter 34

THIRTY-FOUR

Three weeks.

That was how long it had been since I had last seen Dakota Vernon.

I had been messaging him, trying to call for his attention. But he had seemed to revert to his old behaviour—only messaging me back when it suited him, which meant it was whenever he wanted nudes and to degrade me so he could wank pathetically alone instead of actually fucking a human who was more than willing to let him do as he wished with her.

Maybe I was a little salty about his lack of presence in my life, but could you blame me? I think most people would feel the same should they have been in my shoes.

It was pissing me off, and if anything, it was making me feel petty enough to keep my… whatever the fuck it was Owen was, going. He didn’t deserved to be used like a pawn like that, but I never claimed to be a saint.

If I was a more healed person, then I would have found ways to love myself before I opened myself up to Owen and allowing to be part of my life. But I wasn’t a healed person. I almost thought I never would be .

I had no idea why I wanted to be destroyed. Maybe my tastes in men and relationships could be deemed a form of self harm. I for sure fucking felt like it was every time my heart felt like it was being slashed each time I begged Dakota for the bare minimum only to end up feeling used and abandoned at the end.

Owen was ready to give me his all, and I was ready to be loved. Or as ready as I ever would be.

Which is why and how I found myself walking through fields in the Jones Family Farm lands, seeking out flowers to decorate the dining table in my kitchen. Owen walked beside me with his aviator sunglasses covering his eyes from the sun, but I had the sense he was watching Peyton and Nova ahead of us as my best friend chased after her daughter—both laughing loudly.

I couldn’t help but notice the sideways glances he shot me, and I wondered if he was thinking about how I would be as a mother. I half expected I would be a shit mother. I looked after myself just fine, but looking after another smaller human being sounded exhausting. That was the upside to my best friend having a child. I could take care of Nova for a day, or a weekend at most, then hand her back and not have to worry about long term consequences.

I had no doubt he was thinking I would be the perfect wife and mother, but that was my fault for deluding him into believing I was more than I really was.

“The weather is so great today,” I spoke as I looked around the field to my left, daisies as tall as my hip covering most of the field. I smiled at the view, silently thanking Stefan for introducing us to the farms.

“It is,” Owen began, his voice trailing off for a second before he continued. “Seeing how excited Nova is makes me wonder if I’ll ever have kids to bring here myself. I bet it’s amazing in the Autumn time when you can pick pumpkins or during Winter when you can go for a sunrise walk with a cup of hot chocolate.”

It was as if he was shooting for blood, hitting me right in the heart. What he described was what I wanted, maybe save for the child being involved. A part of me wanted children, but a deeper part of me wondered if I would fuck them up.

My parents did a great job raising me, despite the fact they did so from different households. I wouldn’t have been surprised if I was married, and still managed to fuck my own child’s life up.

A part of me wanted what the Greenwich family had. But if it was realistic for me, that was something I would either have to learn and let the lesson bite me, or I would have to just accept that I would never find out and continue to live a life of solitude.

“How would you feel about marriage and kids?” Owen broke the moment of silence once again. My steps faltered, and Owen stopped a few steps ahead to turn and look at me. The fact I couldn’t see his eyes was irritating. He may have not known it, but his eyes were the door to his heart and showed his every thought so clearly it was exhausting to look into them sometimes.

“I’m open to the idea,” I replied cooly, not quite sure I can even believe my own words. But he said nothing, he just nods and seems convinced enough by my short response.

“I can’t wait until I can start a family of my own,” He finally replied after a few minutes of silence. We turned the corner of the path, the fields sprawling around us for miles shining under brightly under the sun.

“And why is that?” I asked, the laughter of Nova infections as she ran around us in a circle, then shot off ahead once again. Peyton huffed as she rest her hands on her sides, standing still to shoot us a warning look.

“Don’t ever have kids,” She joked, as if she knew the conversation we had been having. And then with that, she ran off after her child once again.

I smiled to myself, daring to peak a glance at Owen. He looked after Peyton and Nova with a look behind his eyes, almost bordering love. Not love for them, as he barely knew them. It was his first official meeting with them. But love for the idea of having a child.

I wasn’t sure I would ever be ready for children. I sure as fuck knew I wasn’t about to give him a child.

My mind wandered, wondering how Dakota felt about children. Did he want any? If he did, what kind of father would he be? I had suspicions that he would be a strict, ruthless one but the kind that would still always have his children’s backs.

I had every belief I would be a shit mother. I doubted my darkness was genetic, but knowing my luck, I would pass it onto my own spawn and fuck up their romantic ideals for life.

He finally registered the question I had asked, the one Peyton had interrupted. “I’ve always wanted to be a father. I know, it’s odd for a man to have a dream like that. Usually it’s women who dream of being mothers. But, I don’t know,” He shrugged, tilting his head back slightly to admire the full height of the tree bordering the fence to the car park.

“I get the feeling you’d make a great father,” I replied truthfully, probably the most truthful thing I had ever told him in all the months he and I had been dating.

I saw the faintest of pink kiss the tips of his ears, his lips pulled up into a wide smile as he spoke softly. “Thank you.”

As if he wanted to prove my point, Owen kept Nova company the whole time Peyton and I went and ordered food. He set her in a high chair all nice, and he played little games with her such as peekaboo, and even showed her some ‘secret handshakes’.

As I stood with Peyton by the bar of the cafe, I couldn’t help but feel her eyes were trained on me—as if she were trying to stare through me to get a better read of me. “How the fuck have you not put a ring on that man’s finger?” She joked, her back against the counter as we awaited out toasted sandwiches.

I let out a laugh, my front leaning slightly over the counter with my hand wrapped around a plastic cup of iced coffee. “He’s too perfect.” I replied, a sincere compliment that sounded more sarcastic than anything.

“I mean it,” Peyton began, her voice growing soft and her eyes daring to shoot him a look. “He seems like a great guy. He has a stable job, and he has a great personality. He seems like the kind of man every father would want as his son-in-law.”

“Yeah,” I began, bringing the drink to my lips. I sipped the straw, ignoring the fact my coral lipstick was likely going to rub off in the centre. “But he isn’t what I want as a husband. I don’t even know if I’m built to be a wife. I think I’m just cut out for… Wasting your free time watching movies with, and the occasional fuck.”

Peyton smiled at the waiter behind the counter and took the bag which held all our toasted sandwiches. I stood, my free hand grabbing the bottle of mixed fruit smoothie we had picked up for Nova. “You may be, but you may also be pushing every chance of security away without even giving it a chance.”

I sighed, nodding my head. She was right. I knew she was right. I had allowed the darkness in me to take over for so long that I had believed it had become a part of my DNA. But maybe there was a way out, even if I had to crawl and scratch my knees and hands up in the process.

As we walked over to Owen, the sound of Nova’s laughter shrill biting the air, for once I had wished I was normal. I wished I could feel love as intense and pure as Owen claimed he felt for me. I wished I didn’t need a man to destroy me to the depths of my core. I wished what Owen gave me was enough.

Maybe if I pushed the darkness down for long enough, then I could finally be the woman I wanted to be. The one Owen believed me to be. He gave me too much credit, comparing me to a breath of fresh air and a warm blanket on a cold day. But I was none of those things.

I was the wind that stole your breath on a stormy day. I was the rain that soaked you and made you sick in the middle of winter. I was the fire that had just burnt out, when there was nothing else nearby to help you relight it.

But as I sat down beside Owen and placed a gentle hand on his back, a part of me wondered if I had only believed myself to be that way and none of it was real. Maybe I had lived so long denying myself the simple pleasures of pure love that I had made myself this person who was nothing like the real me.

I reached into the bag and pulled out a ploughman baguette, placing it before Owen with his bottle of water. I then pulled out my tuna melt panini, and held the sandwich loosely as the warmth threatened to burn me.

“Did you enjoy playing with uncle Owen?” Peyton asked, shooting me a look as if trying to tell me she was all for the man staying in her daughter’s life by extension through me. I opened my eyes slightly as I stared at her, asking her what the fuck she thought she was playing at. But Owen’s laugh warmed the ice in my chest.

“She was a perfect little angel, weren’t you Novie?” He used the same nickname I used for the child, to which she smiled up at him with wide brown eyes. Her smile was a mix between gummy and toothy, and it made me appreciate the fact he was good with children.

If he had been anything less than perfect, then I would have had the perfect chance to end things with him—it would have made it easier. It made me feel horrible for thinking so, as if I was seeking out any chance to end things with him.

I watched Owen as he rolled the sleeves of his cotton shirt up. He had turned up at my front door in a casual white shirt, and pale blue jeans. He looked casual, yet stylish. He had always been a man who wore t-shirts and shorts so the fact he had made an effort to look presentable to meet my best friend and somewhat niece meant something to me.

It made me think he was the right choice, and that I should end things with the man who made my question my own fucking sanity.

Owen reached a hand out and gently pushed Nova’s hair from her face as the wine whipped at her tiny excuse of a ponytail. I smiled at the action, wrapping my arm around his as I felt the need to hug him close.

I felt a bubbling feeling in my chest, and I wondered if that was the love Peyton and Stefan had told me all about.

Stefan was a man who loved love. He told me every tell tale sign and warned me about the red flags in not just prospective partners, but about my own feelings too. He also told me maybe I needed therapy, to which I laughed and told him to piss off.

Owen turned his head briefly to shoot me a warm smile, and I wished I could have been his eyes under his aviators. His eyes weren’t a beautiful, breathtaking colour that made me lose my breath—but they were warm and comforting. The sucked me in like a hot tub in the middle of the forrest in the Autumn season.

Owen gasped as he looked at Nova and made a joke about him stealing her nose, pushing his thumb out in a poor attempt. It reminded me of my father, him having done the same thing so many times when I was a child.

How I ever fell for the joke was beyond me. But seeing how happy he looked made me enjoy his presence all the more. He was easy to hang around with, and the fact he was so kind to everyone he met?

Owen Greenwich deserved all the love in the world. And I had decided I wanted to try to do that for him. Be that for him. If I failed, then at least I could say I did my best.

“You’re right,” I smiled as I leant close to him, my eyes focused on the smiling Nova as she held a handful of soggy bread out to Peyton. “You would be a great father.”