Silent Screams (Hollow #1)

CHAPTER 6

“I made pancakes,” I tell Harv as he wheels himself in. The smallest of smiles touches his lips, and I know I made the right decision—blueberry pancakes are his favorite. Hope rises in my chest at the massive victory.

This is why I stay. I stay for the day he wakes up smiling like my Harvey again. I stay for what we once were and what we are now.

Because despite the silences, we get each other. I also believe that what we experienced so young was extremely hard to overcome as a couple and that we might just need time to readjust, to adapt, to build this new life together.

“Thanks. I’m starving.”

I smile and settle our plates at the table, filling up two glasses of orange juice. I feel rested today. We slept in because his physical therapy isn’t until eleven o’clock. We had a relaxing night in last night, too, watching a horror movie.

We eat and head to his appointment not too far from home. Stefan greets both of us, with a level of energy that Harvey himself used to have, before they head over to the other side of the room. I take a seat and take out my book when I get a call from Henrik.

“Hey, what’s up?”

“Oh, you know—escaping a bartender’s apartment, nothing new.”

I laugh. “Living the life, I see.”

He chuckles before his tone turns serious. “How is he?”

I breathe out slowly. I hate it when his brother or parents ask me how he is. I feel as if telling them how unhappy Harv is betrays him in some way.

“He’s good . . .”

“Gemma, don’t lie to me. I could tell he was putting on a shitshow last weekend. He doesn’t even act like that when we’re hanging out.”

“What do you want me to say, Hen?”

“You see him every day. Do you think he needs help?”

It’s my turn to chuckle. I’m torn between my loyalty to Harv and my eagerness to get the old Harvey back.

Maybe I must accept it? Maybe after going through what he went through, you’re not supposed to be the same person?

“He’ll never accept therapy,” I say the truth instead.

“He’ll have to eventually.”

I hang up after our talk, grateful for Harvey’s younger brother.

His dad can be pushy toward Harvey sometimes, and his mom is missing a backbone, but Henrik is the perfect balance that clicks and matches with Harv.

He loves hanging out with his brother, probably more so than with me. For some reason the thought doesn’t leave a bitter taste in my mouth. After all, Gia’s my world and Harvey’s always had to accept that, so I understand their brotherly relationship.

An hour later, I’ve read several chapters by the time he’s done. I hurriedly put my book away, knowing the murky mood that sometimes awaits him after a PT session depending on how it went.

When we get home, I put in a load of laundry before meeting Harv in his room after he’s showered. I sit on his bed and wrap my arms around my legs, watching him button his long-sleeved flannel shirt.

“How was physio?”

He puts deodorant on, his gaze focusing on me. “It was good.”

“Just good?”

“Would you like a report, Gemma?” Gone is his morning smile and I look away, my cheeks burning with embarrassment from the tone of his voice.

I hear the venom in his words, like he’s spent years sharing saliva with a snake. Inside, the nerves are back, along with a crippling fear that we’ll hate each other one day in the future.

I clear my throat. “It’s just a question. Would you rather I ask Stefan?”

He sighs and wheels in front of me. “No, I’d rather you ask me.” Then he says, “Stefan thinks I’m making major improvements.”

My heart flutters at the news yet the stinging anxiety from his earlier comment sticks around. A part of me thinks this is what he needs. Hope. It’s what I need. What his parents and Henrik need.

I’m sizzling deep within, using the fuel of a thousand suns. Not out of desire, but out of anger. Because Harvey’s dismissals can frustrate me to the point of no return.

Except I then remember that he could’ve died, that his injuries could’ve been worse, and that when you love someone, you fight —with them, for them—you just fight because love doesn’t come easily.

So I take his hand in mine, stroking it with my thumb. “I’m proud of you. ”

His eyes beam, his throat bobbing when he says, “I’m gonna lie down a bit, alright?” His soft voice slowly melts the residing anger away.

I’m up on my feet, letting him get in bed. It’s amazing the muscle strength he musters during PT, so he often naps afterward. I can see the veins pop out of his forearms and biceps—so hot and attractive—it’s a shame he doesn’t see it.

I leave to pick up groceries for our family dinner tonight. Then, I tidy up the house and pull out a toy box for Athena so that Gia doesn’t have to carry a million bags when they come over.

I put the scalloped potatoes and chicken with lemon, onions, and herbs in the oven while Harvey wheels into the kitchen, his straight blond hair slightly disheveled.

“My family’s coming over for dinner...” I remind him, drying my hand on a dish towel.

He steals a few pieces of cheese and crackers off a marble board. “I know.”

I then prepare a salad and place vegetables with hummus on a platter; Gia’s bringing dessert.

I eventually head into the shower to clean up and put on a bit of makeup before stepping to my room in nothing but a towel.

There’s a knock at my door at the same time as I release the towel.

I breathe in anxiously, hoping for courage before I turn around to face Harvey. I spot his hand curling tightly while his eyes zoom all over my body like a man who’s practiced abstinence his entire life.

“Your dad called. They’re on their way . . .”

I nod and thoroughly bite on my bottom lip. We have time—even for a kiss.

I still have water dripping down my body, in the crease of my breasts. My feet are frozen in place. I want to move onward, but I’m afraid of scaring him off like last time, so I sit on the edge of the bed.

I tease my neck with my fingers, stroking up and down before moving my fingertips across my collarbone.

His weakness.

At that exact moment, he’s calling out my name. I take a deep breath in, losing myself in his blue eyes as I gain a confidence I forgot I had, while my fingers skim down my stomach.

He wheels forward, the movement so small, I could’ve missed it. My legs drift apart, ever so slightly. He stares at my pussy intently before darting his eyes back to mine.

“I need you, Harv.” I whisper.

I’ve never felt this greedy. Ever.

Eyes close before greeting me again. I hesitate a bit, then decide to go all the way, letting my fingers trail all the way down. As soon as they’re on my sex, and the fact that he’s here—he’s here , and that we have to be quick, is enough to drown me in my wetness.

“Gemma . . .”

I moan, lost in ecstasy.

“Stop . . .”

I shake my head. “No.”

If you won’t touch me then I want you to picture it.

“Gemma, stop! Why do you do this to yourself?”

“Can’t you see, Harvey? You’re doing this to me.” I don’t stop pleasuring myself.

“I’m not doing anything.”

“That’s my point...” I sigh sensually, feeling myself close to the tipping point.

He’s wheeling back, and I sense his refusal crashing against my arousal—the mixture a strong explosion of love and hate. Of opposites. I’m so close to coming, I can’t stop.

Maybe I want to punish him.

He won’t take me. So I’ll take myself .

“I can’t fuckin’ do this...” He’s almost red in the face as he leaves the room, and I let my own cries of passion echo with the slam of his bedroom door, as pain combines with my orgasm, taking my pleasure to new heights.

I lie on the bed afterward, staring up, unsure what came over me. It’s as if another scar of rejection carved itself over the tissues of my heart. And soon, I’ll run out of space. And soon, I might not even care anymore.

I’m all dressed in dark jeans and a midnight blue shirt when Athena runs into my arms. I let her caress and her energy take away my pain.

I greet my dad, Gia, and James at the same time Harv comes out of his room. His smile is on, but I won’t be fooled again. It’s fake and somehow it renders it worse. It breaks a part of me I didn’t know I had left.

I want honesty, to know where I stand. I want to hear his laugh again and not because Claire’s in the room.

“Thanks for having us over, guys,” Gia says, putting the chocolate cake in the fridge.

“We love having you over.” Harvey smiles, while I narrow my eyes at him. Athena is still in my arms, holding on to me.

I eye the beer bottle James offers him. He barely ever drinks. It’s not good to mix alcohol with his medication but a beer or two isn’t an issue so I brush it off when Harv takes the beer.

“How’s the new job?” James asks me at dinner, when we’re all around the table, Athena in her highchair.

“It’s good. My boss can be... interesting at times. Otherwise, I like it.” I focus on my niece, watching her shove small pieces of chicken into her mouth with her tiny fingers.

“You told me he’s an asshole,” Gia pitches in .

James chuckles. “Well, hopefully he warms up to you. Having a new assistant is stressful for the boss.”

“Does it involve traveling?” My dad asks, completely oblivious to my frozen state. Gia eyes Harv and gives me a sympathetic look. Harvey and I hadn’t discussed me traveling for this job. And, honestly, I’m not even sure I’ll have to any time soon.

My eyes drift to Harv, who places his fork down, waiting for my answer.

“Umm... yeah, sure. But not too often.” My dad nods and, thankfully, Gia starts talking about pregnancy stuff. James wanted the gender of the baby to be a surprise. So even though it’s killing her not to know, she’s going along with it to please him. I can’t say how often she tells me she almost ripped open the envelope in their wardrobe unit.

We finish dinner, and James and Harvey take their desserts to his room to try a new basketball game that James brought over.

Gia, my dad, and I are each eating our piece of cake, watching Athena lick the frosting off hers.

“So what was that all about?” My dad asks, surprising us, before he rolls his eyes. “You think I didn’t notice the tension after mentioning the traveling? Give me some credit, sweetheart.”

Gia laughs, shaking her head. Sometimes we forget he stepped in after we lost our mom. He had to develop this acute sense of observation that a mother tends to have.

He puts his hand over mine and squeezes it hard. “What’s wrong, Gemma?”

I shake my head, wishing for an escape, unwilling to break down.

I don’t want to talk about it.

Talking about it makes it real.

I don’t want to acknowledge our failed relationship. I love Harvey too much to walk away. I can’t walk away from him; he needs me .

Even if he doesn’t give me what I crave.

“We’re worried about you, Gem... I miss my happy sister.” Gia rubs my arm lightly, and suddenly I’m suffocating because this seems like an intervention.

Is this how Harvey feels when I push him too hard? When I hover and pester and question?

“It’s like any relationship... we’re working through it.” My sister is a strong believer in therapy—I’m surprised she didn’t bring it up as a solution like she once did after the accident.

I prefer suffering without an audience.

“We’ll take your word for it. But remember, nothing matters more than your own happiness.”

I don’t want to talk about this.

I want my bed. Harvey in his. Our routine is safe—expected. I want to forget his earlier rejection and to see him smiling more with others than with me.

I want to forget. Forget. Forget.

Everything.

I’m slipping, so deep, and the dark underground is too full of demons to let me come up for air.

I can hardly breathe.

I clean up, giving myself a task to do while my heart rate slows down after this mini confrontation, and my dad joins the guys in Harvey’s room.

When I’m done, I find Gia, wiping away a few tears trickling down her face. “Why won’t you talk to me anymore, Gem?”

My throat is closing so fast. I don’t understand how this nice dinner turned into a therapy session. Are they wondering if I need help the same way Hen wonders for his brother?

“Gia... I do.” I go to sit on the carpet next to Athena, who’s looking over a book.

“Dolphin!” She points down at the image and laughs. I smile, too, wishing to avoid my sister’s wrath.

“You’re lying! I’m only this emotional because I’m pregnant. But Gem, you know how much you mean to me... I just want my sister back.”

I can’t speak. I’m afraid of what will come out.

“You can’t feel guilty for doing the things you used to love... you have to start again. You’re gonna be miserable if you don’t.”

I’m already miserable.

I’m comfortable in my misery.

“Can you do me a favor?”

And I nod. Because I’ll do anything for Gia. Anything.

“Tomorrow, go for a walk in the forest. A small walk, like you used to.”

I look at my sister as if she’s asked me to steal the full moon for her. A favor with major implications. It means telling Harvey I’ll be going for a walk without him and him perhaps resenting me more, envying me.

“Gemma . . . promise me.”

I watch my niece smile, and I agree to my sister’s request.

The next day, I’m putting on my winter coat, my fingers sweating from what I’m about to do. I hang in front of Harvey’s door, giving myself a mental pep talk before I knock and step in his room.

“I’m going for a small walk. Want to join me?” I ask, hopeful. I know it’s not as simple for him in the winter with his chair, but we could make it work.

Betrayal crosses his features in a flash, quickly replaced by indifference. “No, I’m good. Have fun.”

“I won’t be long, alright?”

“I don’t need you sniffing my ass every two seconds.”

His words slash through the last tiny piece of pride I have left. “You know what, Harv? Sometimes you’re such a prick! ”

I smack the door behind me and put on my winter boots with trembling fingers, bringing my phone and keys with me.

Then I barely slow my steps, my entire body vibrating with anger, until I reach the forest about seven minutes away from our house. As soon as I’m surrounded by large green trees, I find it easier to breathe. But the heaviness of my thoughts doesn’t vanish easily once I get a whiff of pine trees.

Rain and pine trees.

The memories flood back, eager to wash away the light, the peace, the happiness. I don’t let them—I refuse to start this walk in tears. Because time has passed, and those memories have come and gone so often over the last two and a half years they don’t feel as deeply engrained in me.

To the point where I can breathe in the smell of pine trees and be grateful that it’s not snowing with a mix of rain today. Rather, it’s the perfect Sunday for a stroll. And the white snow covering the tips of the branches makes it look beautiful.

Beautiful enough to wander into the forest and get lost.

Would he even care if I don’t make it back?

I push every lingering thought away. All of it. I don’t want to think.

All I want is this silence.

Snow and pine trees.

I’m walking and walking. I don’t stop. I pick up my pace until I finally reach a massive gray rock covered in snow. I remove the snow and sit on it.

Brown eyes pop into my head; they’re the wrong set of eyes. They’re supposed to be blue and belong to a blond-haired man. Not the dark ones of my mercurial boss.

I look up. Is my mom up there? Around me? Can she see me suffer?

Will I ever be truly happy again?

I miss her. I might’ve been young when I lost her, but you never forget your mom. I had eleven years with her, and the loss still feels tremendous.

I’ll always remember the way my dad fought for her and with her. He never gave up on her. He never gave up on us.

You don’t give up on the people you love. You just don’t.

I stay unmoving, taking in the nature around me. My body is getting cold from my current state. Then I keep walking until I’m ready to go back home, shower, and have a nice chill rest of the day while Harvey broods in his room.