Silent Screams (Hollow #1)

CHAPTER 14

“I hope you enjoyed it because that’s the last fucking time I take you to a track.”

I look at Damon, who hasn’t even spoken to me since we left. He was so tense and quiet on our way to the airport I didn’t bother making conversation.

I was in a world of my own as well. Reliving the moment and the adrenaline rush through memory. Now we’re back on the private plane, heading home to Chicago, enjoying dinner.

“How come?” I didn’t even expect him to take me back to another track.

“You were reckless, taking unnecessary risks.”

“Says you. I’ve been doing this for far too long.”

He freezes, then drops his fork on his plate. He must wait for me to do the same because when I do, he leans closer, so close, his seat right next to mine. I let the goodness of his cologne penetrate my senses, murdering all rational thoughts.

“It’s one thing to love speed and a completely different thing to be stupid . You could’ve gotten yourself killed,” he says, frustration seeping through his words.

He’s so angry it’s making me angry .

My defenses are up, up so high, he’ll never be able to bring down the brick-stoned wall. I’m an experienced rider. Given, it’s been quite a while, but he doesn’t know that.

The stunts I pulled back then with my bike could give some professional riders a run for their money. This is the last thing he should be questioning me on.

I refuse to stare at him. Damon has a way of making you feel disappointed in yourself. No one, not even Harvey, has ever questioned my intentions, my wants and needs with my thrilling adventures. They accepted it. Maybe even encouraged it further. Harv had no regards for safety back then.

“It’s not your place, Damon.”

Gone are the Mr. Dreygon or sir formalities. We crossed so many invisible lines this weekend there’s no going back. I’m not even sure, as I’m sitting here, frustrated and annoyed with him, that I want it to go back.

I know it will. I know come Monday, Damon will have his poker face on, the one that never smiles, never has a tiny twinkle in his beautiful dark brown eyes.

No. I’ll be facing the cold, collected, calculating Damon who barks orders left and right.

A part of me wants to pause this moment.

“Like hell, it’s not. I took you there—a heads up that you have a death wish would’ve been nice.” He’s pulling on his hair, looking immensely disturbed by the thought of my death. At least that’s what I’m assuming is bothering him so much.

“I wasn’t going that fast.”

“Tell me, Gemma ”—the way my name rolls off his tongue dissipates some of my anger with it. I’m glad I’m sitting down, my sushi completely forgotten—“Do you always put yourself in danger like that? You told me you liked the thrill. But that out there, the speed you reached...” He shakes his head. “You made them use the four-wheeler to come after us. If you’re looking for an escape... all you have to do is ask,” he’s whispering so close, I’m sure he’s trying to punish me, but it has the opposite effect.

I want this man so bad I can’t even function properly. I’ll be using my vibrator all night when I get home.

I’m feeling bold. That’s what Damon does. In the short amount of time I’ve known him, I gained my backbone back, and a bit of confidence.

It feels so good .

My body hovers over the edge of the armrest between our seats. My sex hurts to the point of crying. It wants a release. It wants his fingers inside.

“Oh yeah? And how will you help?” I’m playing with fire, and everyone knows eventually you get burned to the point of hollow screams. He told me that he could never give me more, but in this moment I don’t need more.

I need him.

I need his hands. His mouth. Maybe something harder too.

I shouldn’t want this, yet I’d be the biggest liar on the face of this earth if I denied myself the most basic of truth.

I want him and his body.

“Careful, Red. I told you one day I won’t turn away. Flaunt your sweet body in front of me again and I’ll fuck you in the bedroom.”

Oh God. Please do.

He gets up, and I see the thick, hard bulge straining against his jeans. My head hits the leather headrest.

I’m in agony. Maybe this is hell. My body is on fire.

He gives and gives, and he pulls away. But I don’t stop him. Because as soon as he leaves, I can think clearer.

And the answer always goes back to Harvey.

I want Damon, but I won’t allow myself to have him.

I’m home and something is off. Like I’m a stranger in my own space. I feel as if I’ve lost something, an inexplicable sadness weakening my core. As if I’ve told Damon goodbye even though I’ll see him at work on Monday.

The feeling slivers through me, through my veins, my bloodstream, knowing I’m cheating on Harvey.

Because I keep thinking of another man. Another man who brings out something in me, a certain confidence I didn’t even know I possessed.

And then there’s the bike.

Maybe that’s why I’m sad. I’ve been the happiest this weekend, a joy I haven’t felt in the longest time, and now it’s gone. It’s gone and I’m lost. It’s gone and I have to put on my brave smile and be there for Harv.

I don’t know how much more of myself I can give. Until I fall into pieces on the ground, never to rise again.

Relief fills me to the very bone for the fact that Harvey isn’t back from his weekend trip until tomorrow evening. The last thing I needed him to do was witness Damon in the driveway or see the sadness creeping over my face.

The car ride with Damon and his driver was so quiet I could hear my constant swallowing.

I shower quickly, feeling a tad bit better once I have my long gray T-shirt on. I’m makeup-free, Damon-free, and Harvey-free, and it dawns on me to enjoy this. This moment without struggling from one man to another. Without arguing with Damon or Harvey.

Instead, I welcome the peace. I eat pretzels as a late-night snack before heading to bed. I shut it all out.

The men in my life.

The worries.

The bad decisions.

And I focus solely on the thrill of being on a bike again .

That’s how I sleep, with a smile plastered on my face, despite the nagging darkness clutching to my stomach.

The next morning, the repeated buzzing of my cell phone on my night table wakes me up. I just want to sleep. I’m drained from my weekend and I’m positive it’s all due to my emotions.

“Hello . . .”

“Wake up. I’m at your front door!” Gia says loudly as I hear her knock.

I want to tell her to go away. To let me sleep. I want to be moody for once without forcing my smile for Harvey who isn’t here. But I don’t say anything. I hang up and sigh as I put on a bra under my T-shirt and go greet my sister.

“It’s so friggin’ cold out. I can’t wait for summer!” She’s stomping her feet on the rug, a frown hugging the middle part of her eyebrows. Someone woke up in a bad mood. “You didn’t text me when you landed.”

“I fell asleep.” In reality, she’d have insisted I call her and would’ve most likely known something was wrong. Gia knew everything about me, almost everything, save for Harvey’s and my relationship, because no one could understand us.

So I said nothing.

She rolls her eyes but hugs me anyway. “I’m happy you’re back in one piece.” She beams. To satisfy her, I make her pancakes and bacon—something that’s guaranteed to put a smile on her face.

“Where’s my niece?” I ask while cracking the eggs in the bowl with the dry ingredients.

“With James.” She shrugs while cutting fresh strawberries.

“Everything okay?”

She nods.

“Alright . . . ”

“He drives me crazy sometimes! I know he’s busy with work and all but sometimes I need a minute of his time too.” She stops cutting and looks up, and that’s when I see the waterworks. “I can’t stop tearing up, fuck!” She’s still looking up, trying to keep the tears from falling, when I put the pancake bowl aside and hug my sister.

It bothers me to see her like this.

“And then there’s you too . . .”

She accepts my long hug before she slices the red fruit once more while I pour the pancake batter in an oiled pan.

“What about me?”

“Oh, you know, other than the fact that you’re keeping things from me... you used to tell me everything. Before...”

I stare at the bubbles on my pancake so that I can pretend it’s more interesting then where this conversation is going.

In all fairness, she’s right.

Gia had always been privy to my most intimate and secretive details. But the accident changed things. More so than simply Harv and me. It changed my relationship with her because she can’t bear feeling left out or not being in the loop about my life.

“Gia,” I croak, flipping the pancake over. “It’s not about you. I just want to keep some things to myself.”

“I know,” she says, piling up the strawberries on a white plate. “I don’t want to be annoying; I miss you, that’s it.”

I nod. Because I know.

I know the accident affected her, too, because I’m not the same girl I used to be. The light in my eyes dimmed afterward, never to be found again.

Some days when I’m with Damon, I feel it flicking back on again, only to be turned off as soon as I remind myself of what’s at stake. Like my relationship with Harvey, for instance, and his family, and my job .

Regardless, I’m glad we get to enjoy another Sunday brunch together before she’s surrounded by two kids.

“How’s everything with your boss?” She changes subject and suddenly I’m on edge. We’re headed into dangerous territory, and I don’t like it. I want to backpedal.

“Good.” I pour more batter into the pan.

“Is he hot in real life?”

“Gia,” I warn her, not wanting to think about his good looks.

“What? I’m a pregnant married woman with a kid. Let me live voraciously through you!” She smiles, and I can’t deny her.

“He is. Happy?”

The smell of melted chocolate fills the room as Gia melts it into a pot right next to me. I don’t like that’s she standing so close to me while we’re talking about such a sensitive topic. I’m afraid she’ll see right through the lies I’ve been spewing.

I really needed a full day to recuperate from my weekend with him. To make sense of all these bottled-up emotions.

“Did you sleep in the same room?”

I turn my head to stare at her—she apparently has the same death wish as I have according to Damon. “Obviously not!”

“Wow, finally! A reaction.” She bumps her shoulder against mine.

“You’re out of your mind, Gia. He’s handsome, but he’s my boss and I’m with Harvey.”

She nods and nods.

We stay silent for a few minutes. She’s no longer next to me when she throws at me, “You’re happier.”

My back is to her and I’m so, so grateful because the happiness that races up my chest surely appears on my face.

I refuse to tell her that I can’t stop thinking about Damon, that I touch myself thinking about what I want from him.

The smallest touch from this man sends me down a dark hole and I love the thrill it invokes in me. And seeing him on stage and hearing him talk with everyone at the conference? He commanded the room; he knew what he was talking about.

We like the same things.

But . . . Harvey.

The beating of my heart regains a steady pace as I remind myself of my reality.

“Gemma?”

“Yeah?”

“You’re always happy around Harvey, but it’s the fake smile that we get from you. The one where you try so hard to make sure he’s fine and happy and taken care of...” If she doesn’t shut up any second now, I won’t be able to control the slight tremor in my hand. “Lately you’ve been happier. I hear it in your voice when you call me after work. Or when I called you on your trip. You’re not faking it then. You’re the happier Gemma that I remember.”

I clear my throat before I turn to face her. “So I like my job... what’s your point?”

She gives me a pointed look, filling two glasses with orange juice. “I’ll never judge you. God knows James and I aren’t perfect either.”

I don’t respond. I face the oven again and finish my pancakes in peace.

Then I decide to feed her a few crumbs to wipe those earlier tears from her mind. Because I love my sister, and I want to appease her.

“Gia...” I turn to her. I’m dreading her reaction because she knew of my vow to Harv to never ride again. And Gia takes vows seriously. But I almost need to turn to her for this—I need someone .

It surprises me—that I’m willing to share things with her about Damon when I keep everything about my relationship with Harvey to myself.

“Yeah? ”

“My boss took me to a bike track. I rode again.” I mentally prepare myself for the wrath that might follow.

She looks stunned. “Well... why would he do that?”

I shrug. “He knows I used to bike. We were in LA, maybe that’s why.”

“Wow, this is huge! Tell me, how was it?” she asks excitedly.

“It was... I forgot how much I missed it. I missed being me .”

“Oh, Gem.” She shakes her head and comes and gives me a tight hug. “I’m happy you told me.” She squeezes my hand afterward.

We bring the food to the table, and I shift the focus to Athena and the upcoming baby as we eat delicious food together.

I miss you too, Gia.